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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Taking it slow or taking the piss

313 replies

Greekcheese · 11/04/2019 17:45

Boyfriend of nine months . Great bloke. Crazy about him . Started off meeting once a fortnight or theee weeks with plenty of text contact . Now up to once a week with an overnight stay. He wants to take it very slow. My friends say he is taking the piss . We are both 30. Him a home owner me a renter . No holidays ever. One weekend away . He has lots going on in his life. Mine is not as busy. He says he loves me but needs to take it slow. I have a history of being a mug for men. Staying in unhealthy relationships . Compromising and sacrificing to please them . I don’t want to fall Into this trap again. He loves the way it’s going. SAYs he feels valued and loved .Thanks

OP posts:
PCohle · 21/04/2019 01:27

Well it sounds unlikely he would ever physically cheat on you given you think he finds sex repulsive.

It would bother me that he has plenty of time to spend with her when he only wants to see you once a week though.

He sounds like her gay best friend frankly.

Dieu · 21/04/2019 01:33

Once a week would be fine with me.

echt · 21/04/2019 01:33

I have a history of being a mug for men. Staying in unhealthy relationships . Compromising and sacrificing to please them

With the greatest of respect, you're doing it again: staying in an unhealthy relationship; being a mug; compromising and sacrificing to please him.

He loves the way it’s going. SAYs he feels valued and loved

I'll bet he does. It all goes his way, none of it to you.

Bin him off. Keep off relationships with men. Get some therapy/counselling that will give you proper sense of self-worth.

Original poster
Greekcheese · 21/04/2019 01:34

Ok that is good news and thanks . I’ve snooped and I know I shouldn’t have but he texts her to tell her she looks awesome or she is in great shape or she is so intelligent or she has supported him so much and made him a better person. He has also text her to say that it would be better that he doesn’t join her on her girly holiday as a surprise as they would have such great fun together that they would arrive back and not be best friends anymore with a sad teary face and would it be worth it . I don’t even know what this means . She ignores these type of texts besides telling him that he will never be joining her in holiday with lots of laughing faces

OP posts:
Original poster
Greekcheese · 21/04/2019 01:37

Btw joining her on holiday is a joke . It’s apparent she would go batshit if he arrived which he jokingly says he will do

OP posts:
echt · 21/04/2019 01:38

How do you know the details of these texts? Does he show them to you on the the occasions you meet?

Original poster
Greekcheese · 21/04/2019 01:42

I’ve snooped

OP posts:
echt · 21/04/2019 01:45

Sorry, should have seen in your update.

Still, I'm amazed that in the little time you spend together you have time for this.

Original poster
Greekcheese · 21/04/2019 01:49

We meet , we sit around , he is not normally texting but when he does he is smiling like a mad man . He doesn’t smile like me this with me or roar out with laughter either when he is with me . I know it’s shit

OP posts:
echt · 21/04/2019 01:57

I'm bailing out of this thread.

Original poster
Greekcheese · 21/04/2019 02:01

Why? Please tell me your thoughts. I’m so confused .

OP posts:
Original poster
Greekcheese · 21/04/2019 02:02

He has suggested us meeting too. He says we would get along great and would like me to build up a friendship with her

OP posts:
Jaspermcsween · 21/04/2019 02:08

Oh dear. This is all very sad.
How will you ever have children without the sex?

Jaspermcsween · 21/04/2019 02:09

Do you mean he sometimes sits texting and laughing at the queen colleague when you are together?

daisychain01 · 21/04/2019 02:51

Being brought to major family events and paraded around to meet everyone but then will not see him for days on end although plenty of messages and compliments

OP you ran a thread about this waste of space at Christmas, how he fitted you in around his many social activities, collected you at Christmas so he could parade you round at his relly's then dropped you back home so he could socialise with his many friends.

And you're still with him in April, even though it was unanimous then that he was using you and was fitting you in around his hectic life.

Honestly, 4 pages into this thread, with everyone telling you time after time that you should just throw in the towel and tell him to get stuffed, you've wasted enough time. But you're still confused??

Come on you don't sound an unintelligent person but if you keep asking the same question time after time, and expecting a different answer you're either having a brain-fart or you're a time waster.

purplepears · 21/04/2019 04:23

Does this man actually take you out on dates? Or just parades you around family events occasionally or sits around your place grinning inanely?
Nearly everyone on here has told you to get rid. He doesn't make you happy.....he makes you anxious and occasionally grateful for his presence.
Otherwise you would not be writing on here.
He's feeding you breadcrumbs. No sex. No interest in your feelings, wants, needs.
Get a bloody grip.

BitOfFun · 21/04/2019 05:09

This sounds worse with every post you make. Are you aware of that?

Spanielmadness · 21/04/2019 05:22

The sex won’t improve - it will decrease

cantfindausername2 · 21/04/2019 05:49

OP, you are his handbag. Something nice to show off and then put back on the shelf. Wether he is gay or not, he clearly isnt into sex. Do you want that to be your life? It doesn't seem like he cares what you want. Dump him and find someone who fancys thr pants off you. Your wasting your 30's with him.

TheBlessedCheesemaker · 21/04/2019 05:58

I loved your life once, OP. It broke my heart to dump him, absolutely tore me apart. In the end he married the other woman (an ex who hung round as a mate), she waited and waited and eventually wore him down. They are divorced now - she wasted her whole life not feeling loved enough, is in her early 50s now and very lonely. Lots of therapy and had a complete breakdown during their marriage.
Kind and gentle is not enough and will tear you up inside when what you need is to be properly loved. The relationship destroyed her even though he did nothing wrong other than never really needed her, never really loved her.
Trust me. Run for the hills. It will hurt like hell but that is nothing compared to staying.

ContessaIsOnADietDammit · 21/04/2019 06:12

OP, seriously. It's screamingly obvious that he is not particularly interested in you (in fact he sounds more keen on his colleague) but you're so desperate for any sort of attention that you just put up with this shit and tell yourself it's a relationship.

He will never actually have a child with you - there will always be an excuse.

It will never get better than it is right now - you have reached the best bit of this relationship.

Have a think about whether that makes you happy (it fucking shouldn't) or sad.

VALUE YOURSELF FFS.

JenniferJareau · 21/04/2019 06:26

Being brought to major family events and paraded around to meet everyone

He's either asexual or gay. He wants to have the appearance of a heterosexual relationship to fit in to what his society thinks is acceptable, but doesn't actually want a relationship.

I am sorry to be blunt but you are nothing more than a periphery in his world. You are of little actual importance to him, his hobbies clearly mean more.

Wildrose19 · 21/04/2019 06:35

He’s managed to keep you hanging on with the texts and compliments but it’s all superficial. He can wheel you out for occasions then drop you back home (what’s that about?)

No wonder he doesn’t want a holiday. He doesn’t want sex.

It’s all superficial isn’t it? It doesn’t sound like he stays over and you share a Sunday morning in bed together. All that intimacy that is normal in relationships especially at the start you are missing out on because he is avoiding it.

I would say gay too but it doesn’t matter really. Don’t spend any longer analysing it. He can’t give you what you want.

rainbowstardrops · 21/04/2019 07:05

Does anyone see anything positive or with a future on this .

NO!!!!!!!!

Pretty much every single person on this thread has told you that he's just not that into you (for whatever reason) and yet you are still confused!
I'm bloody confused! Confused

From where I'm sitting, he's treating you like his lovely little show pony who he trots round his relatives to show you off and then when he's accomplished that, he pops you back into your stable.
He prioritises his friends,family and hobbies over you and only comes to see you when he hasn't got anything else going on.
It's not even like you have amazing sex to make up for it!

He's using you!!!!!

I mean, he might be a really lovely guy - as a friend - but a partner or future husband he aint!

tokirara · 21/04/2019 07:50

OP, I suggest you go and seek some real life counselling for your self esteem and relationship issues. Even if he were asexual, how he is treating you and the female friend in his life doesn't seem by any means like how things should be in healthy living relationship.

It's all well and good all of Mumsnet telling you what the issues might be on these threads, but if you are going to keep asking "Why?? BUT he's wonderful etc" instead of confronting the issue and making real progress for yourself (nothing to do with whether he starts to parade you around more!) then do you see it's a bit pointless? We can't give you the answers that you wish to hear.

You may benefit from having a therapist talk to you in person and discuss the issues with you over face to face, eye to eye contact, so the "BUT's" gradually disappear and you are left with some clarity in your own hear and mind about the situation and the way forward for yourself. This is how counselling has helped me.

Good luck.