How do I unruin the 4 yo

[Imadehimlikethat]

So DS is just gone 4. He had a hard first two years in and out of hospital and that's left some long term issues. But in trying to compensate for them I've raised a scream tantruming child and I feel like I'm ruining his precious future.

For example he was tune fed for a long time and nil by mouth so when he finally asked for food we literally brought what he asked for so he'd eat. Now if we go into a shop he expects chocolate and a you so ideally a Kinder Egg etc.

I've indulged him quite a bit to make up for when he's had a hard time so now he expects a magazine if we go in the shop, a toy fro mtbe vending machine etc.

The answer to no is a tantrum. Full on jump up and down and scream job.

He knows which shops sell the things he wants so will specifically ask to go in them - tantrum if we don't, tantrum if we do but say no to a toy etc.

The guilt of the hard first two years plus a delay in his communication skills and some learning delay meant he was rewarded for I guess precocious behaviour - wanting to pick where we went, where he sits etc because it WAS cute and proof that he was communicating with us. Not if he doesn't get his own way we just get tantrums.

Nursery never see a tantrum or anger.

He will smack me when he's upset but says he's sad not angry.

Thing is I know this isn't his fault. He's a product of over indulgent parenting and that's mainly on me as a SAHP and def the softer one.

Attempts at reinstating boundaries lead to.... Tantrums!!

I between he's funny and loving and sweet. I just don't know how to stop all the bad parenting in a way that's going to make him into a lite boy who will make friends and do well I nschool and be happy as opposed to someone who cries if someoen else is on the slide at the same time!!

The tantrums have only got this bad over the last month but he's def quite "precious" in terms of getting upset if anything doesn't go totally his own way.

Have I screwed his life up before he's even got to school??

Dear OP i think you should stop saying your a shit mum. Sounds like you might need to build your confidence too. You’re a good mum, doing a decent job, trying to help your child build new behaviours. Don’t talk yourself down, makes it easier to doubt yourself. Give yourself a pep talk before you head out maybe?

Also - that’s a long walk, do you think a scooter would be possible? And of course as everyone knows it’s not really allowed to take scooters in the shop

Bite the bullet and agree with your partner that for the next two weeks it’ll be a nightmare. Take a really hard line, ignore the bad, reward the good, but with attention and not goodies or toys.

Some kids have tantrums and others don't. My DD had none whatsoever, my DS had explosive ones although thankfully for me, rarely because he wanted things in shops. He was never overindulged, it is just his personality. He does get angry quite quickly but has learned to control it at least outside of home and is actually known as a really chilled kid, never got into any trouble at all at home. His anger is more turned inwards now as a teenager.

Don't blame yourself, it's very very very normal for kids to have tantrums. The best you can do is to teach him to become self aware of them, what triggers them and how to manage them. Talk talk talk to him before and after when he's calmed down. Don't engage in conversations during the tantrum, do what you have to do then trying to remain as calm as possible. Your calmness will help him calm down himself.

its tangerines. So not unhealthy per se but 10 a day?!

Eek bet the dentist isn't thrilled either. It's so hard cos it's a healthy food until you consider 10 a day and teeth and guts.
Does splitting it up so he gets X no of segments and working it down work? Or tell him he has to clean his teeth after every time to make it less fun?

It's hard though isn't it because theyre actually communicating a want and that's so big.

Re the long walk home, it IS long time wise but is less than a mile. And we stop often to talk about the tree, hug the tree, sit on the bench etc. It is very much and "at his pace" on dry days. If it rains or we need to go elsewhere I bring the buggy or we bus it. If we dint ggo to the shop its one of the nicest parts of our day as there's no distractions or time restrictions

Give him a purse that you hold onto, at the start of a week you add money to it...
You explain that his money will by x w z ,
He can then only buy if he has money

He's had a tantrum today because he didn't want to go to school and reading this I've realised I've done what I do usually which is to offer comfort but explain what we need to do emie school and give option of buggy or walk with the understanding that if he doesn't cooperate he'll get buggied.

He has walked whilst whining but he holds hands excellently anyway. We've had extra cuddles on the bus and as usual the only one singing out loud as we walk the last bit is me, singing hits by request as he was too sad to sing. Gone into nursery then cried but they brook no argument and distract quickly which works.
That is what I'd do as standard but I beat. Myself up for the fact that he's upset to start with I guess. And on bad days I find myself yelling to be heard over him which I know isn't helpful.

Thank you for everyone's suggestions - some of it really helps. Some of it makes me realise I do do it anyway. Some of it has made me think. I think I do feel like I've let him down - he was made inside of me "imperfectly" and I don't know how to forgive myself even though of course I would tell another Mum that it isn't her fault and mean it

Funnily enough mummy I did this but for me but I didn't think to share it him. I like it

Which of us is perfect though? You love him to bits. We are all just doing the best with the knowledge and skills we have. We don’t mean to get things wrong but sometimes we do. (Not perfect!!)
It’s ok for kids to feel upset or cross or disappointed or frustrated. It’s not our job to ensure they never feels these things. It’s our job to teach them how to express and cope with those feelings.
Be kind to yourself OP.

I wonder if in your determination to let him express himself/express a want/extra cuddles etc, you are clearly letting him know that he does not need to throw a tantrum, and has the option not to do so?

Someone up thread got a kicking for saying they look their child in the eye and tell them they can throw a tantrum or not,nit will make no difference. I essentially do this (without the "big boy" and "make a fool of yourself" bits), and it works. I just feel like you might be working so hard to please him and be the perfect loving mummy who respects his feelings, that he is not receiving clear messages about his choices having consequences for him?

Im glad he’s on the mend. Don’t be too hard on yourself or him. I am a big fan of 123 magic easy to use not mean and will have things back on track pretty quickly. Great book also it is really good at rewards and building happy relationships with children.

Just to add, my 4 year old has been an absolute pain in the whatsit this week especially around getting ready for school. But it's been 6 weeks since half term, she's totally exhausted. We've also had various things happen on weekends like we went to a wedding and she has been to see Granny with her cousins. She has had very little time recently to recharge. We are planning at least two days next week where we do nothing at all.

I'm having another push at potty training next week so we won't be going ANYWHERE lol

Yeah you might have a point Tawdry. His communication was so bad for so long that crying, screaming etc was his clearest tool so we accepted him, cuddles him and praised him for "telling" us. Now I spend half my life saying "use your words" becasue screaming has worked for him for so long it's his safe default

I found your last post really moving. You're doing really well, please be kind to yourself.

Distract him and give him choices so that he has a little control.

Totally walked past the shop with just a simple oh when I said we weren't going in. Sometimes I think I overthink. He's currently sucking MY thumb though so def in a weird mood lol

I haven’t read the whole thread but just to say, I have never said no to my daughter without a full explanation as to why not. She really wanted a chocolate bunny from the supermarket the other day and I explained that if she has Easter treats now, then Easter will be much less fun and exciting and she accepted that. I also explain that I have a certain amount of money and if I bought everything she wants all the time then we wouldn’t be able to afford other things that we need like toilet paper and food. I explain things to her in quite an adult way but she does get it. Best of luck, sounds like you are making progress now anyway.

It’s so hard. So many of our DD’s behaviours are a clear result of things we did when she was little. But we had to do them to deal with her issues at the time.

I would be thankful you’ve sussed it at 4 and have time to turn it round. DD is 9 and we are finding it hard to reverse.

Just be consistent. Avoid saying no, use distraction, but also pre-empt things. So before you go, we won’t be buying chocolate in the shop but when you get home we’ll have X instead. You’ll know what the flash points are. It will take a few weeks but you’ll get there.

Assuming no neuro issues, he is becoming old enough to be able to understand why the behaviour should stop.

We all create situations from our current situations. You did what was best for your family at the time.

That doesn't make you a bad parent.

Especially because now you know it's not best for his future and will change it.

Lots of kids tantrum when they can't have what they want. Personality plays a BIG part!

Just ignore and disengage. He'll soon get the message!

My 'special' baby is 2, and I relate to so much in your posts. He has multiple hospital admissions, various appointments with different specialists, developmental delay (including a pretty significant communication delay) and has also had various feeding issues.

I also understand the guilt and sadness that echoes through your posts. As parents of special babies, we have to mourn the life we thought we were going to have in order to find the joy in the one we do.

It is important to be kind to yourself; it is hard enough raising DC and when you add in all the extra therapies, appointments, procedures, admissions and other worries that you have to juggle then it can feel overwhelming.

Various of my DS therapists / support workers tell me and DH that we are doing a good job and I am always baffled as I feel like we are constantly failing DS. I could rattle off 20 things that we 'should' be doing, but there is always more. We also have the guilt of working outside the home and sending him to nursery, but I love my job and I would hate to be at home full-time

Anyhow, it sounds like you are doing a great job and you have some strategies in place (that I will steal!)

Wishing you all the best

If it helps, I used to through a tantrum on the way to nursery every day.

Until I let slip to my mum that 'Do you know, they have nursery on the days I don't go?'

She didn't fall for the tantrums again after that little gem.

You sound really lovely. Your description of taking him to nursery today was great - he got to express his displeasure but he still ended up at nursery and on time. Fantastic result all round for everyone.

OP I haven’t had a chance to RTFT (just the first page) but I just want to say that you deserve every bit of support you can get. It sounds like you’re in a place of blessed relief now that his health issues seem to be in the past (hope that’s right?). I think it’s wonderful that you’re realising your helplessness in that horrible past led you to permit behaviours you probably wouldn’t have without these other issues, and want to redirect them now for the better.

In just the first page there are some great time-tested tips for that redirection, and I have no more to add, but just wanted to add my words of support and hope this gives you encouragement. Good luck.

Tantrums happen! They know it means you'll give in, and the best way to stop future tantrums is by just letting them wash over you now. I know how hard they can be, but they do pass when kid accepts the boundary. Oh they come back when they think that boundary wall is weak, but eventually they turn 18 and the tantrum is no longer your issue (joking way of saying even teens have tantrums).

They don't always have them in safe locations though, road side, busy shop in the Christmas season, etc in which case I literally stand over my child. One foot either side of her waist, she can't escape because I've got a grip on her so she's not going into the road, and my arm span is much longer than half her body so people come too close and get my hand in front of them. There's a child underfoot walk around her don't step on her. And let the kid kick and scream to their little hearts content. When they're finished simply restate that it's not happening and their behaviour means that whatever punishment you have thought of happens. I've found engaging in the tantrum causes it to last longer which is why I just stand there like a lighthouse, keeping her safe. It's actually the best way to bring it to a close despite the nasty comments about controlling my kid. Ignore them, you have it under control if you're keeping them safe and bringing it to as swift a conclusion as possible without letting them have their own way.

It's never too late! You know that treats cannot possibly make up for a tough time, but you have recognised the problem and now you can do something about it. For a good framework to go by, get New Toddler Taming by Christopher Green: it's full of practical common sense and has a very reader-friendly style. Chris Green is a consultant paediatrician from Oz, but it's not at all 'medical' in style. You will have to stick to your guns for about a week, then things will get much much easier. Be strong! You are the grown-up and you want the best for him.

I was in the same position. I had a difficult childhood so I over-indulged my 4.5 year old. He became very entitled about goodies/toys and expected them every time we went out.
He now gets a toy on Friday after he’s ‘earned’ the money through stars on his reward chart. Just little things like brushing his teeth etc. I had to explain to him how things were going to be different and stick to my guns....but so much better this new way.