How do I unruin the 4 yo

[Imadehimlikethat]

So DS is just gone 4. He had a hard first two years in and out of hospital and that's left some long term issues. But in trying to compensate for them I've raised a scream tantruming child and I feel like I'm ruining his precious future.

For example he was tune fed for a long time and nil by mouth so when he finally asked for food we literally brought what he asked for so he'd eat. Now if we go into a shop he expects chocolate and a you so ideally a Kinder Egg etc.

I've indulged him quite a bit to make up for when he's had a hard time so now he expects a magazine if we go in the shop, a toy fro mtbe vending machine etc.

The answer to no is a tantrum. Full on jump up and down and scream job.

He knows which shops sell the things he wants so will specifically ask to go in them - tantrum if we don't, tantrum if we do but say no to a toy etc.

The guilt of the hard first two years plus a delay in his communication skills and some learning delay meant he was rewarded for I guess precocious behaviour - wanting to pick where we went, where he sits etc because it WAS cute and proof that he was communicating with us. Not if he doesn't get his own way we just get tantrums.

Nursery never see a tantrum or anger.

He will smack me when he's upset but says he's sad not angry.

Thing is I know this isn't his fault. He's a product of over indulgent parenting and that's mainly on me as a SAHP and def the softer one.

Attempts at reinstating boundaries lead to.... Tantrums!!

I between he's funny and loving and sweet. I just don't know how to stop all the bad parenting in a way that's going to make him into a lite boy who will make friends and do well I nschool and be happy as opposed to someone who cries if someoen else is on the slide at the same time!!

The tantrums have only got this bad over the last month but he's def quite "precious" in terms of getting upset if anything doesn't go totally his own way.

Have I screwed his life up before he's even got to school??

It sounds like his difficult start in life may have set him back a bit in some of his development. Some of what you describe sounds like a younger child, a typical terrible 2s. Could it be he just needs to catch up a bit? Don't feel you have done anything wrong because he is 4 and most children have grown out of this by now, just treat him as you would a tantrumming toddler

even my 2 year would be told off for some of that behaviour
He does tbf.
Tantrums he has the choice of having a cuddle with the I know you're sad but... Or walking / being carried because we need to go to X. He still holds my hand to walk even when he's upset.
The smacking he is told no, that it hurts/ upsets Mommy and he says sorry and kisses it better (he knows anything hurt needs kisses. Even the inanimate objects and the csrept they fell on!!)
If he's smacking out at stuff, k mocking it over etc he gets a choice between the naughty step (where he'll sit and not move but sob) or his pushchair (where he'll sit for even longer and calm down).
If he needs to apologise I always get him to tell me what he's sorry for so it's less learnt by rote

I think the setting expectations as we come out of school is a good one as we have to walk past the shop. And for me to stop trying to make it up to him that I said no.

We are trying treats on set days so he desperately wants an egg from the shop I don't go past and I keep telling him Daddy had to get it for him on Sunday, not Mommy today, magazine 3tc, reminder of what he's had that week and so why we can't have it.

I just hate being the reason he's sad and whilst I know he acts out most for me because he knows I'm secure, I have found myself having to shout at him just to be heard instead. Of me making sure he's safe and leaving him to calm down.

@Cantthinkofausername1990 Fab advice! I've taken that onboard myself and will be implementing it with my devil child!! 😈 Thanks x

I would think about what rules you want to make (from your OP it seems mainly about avoiding meltdown when toys/sweets aren't bought). Then explain them when at home, and mention them casually every now and again. Before you have to go out to the shops explain where you are going and why, adding that you are not going to buy a kinder egg today. Also, explain how misbehaving will result in a consequence depending on what works for you (removal of a toy, loss of screen time, no trip to park on way back etc.).

Then follow through with this and be consistent. It may take a while of huge tantrums but at 4 the behaviour can be changed.

It does sound like there are too many treats for no reason. Why do you need to do a treat on a set day?

I say this as a trap I felt into when mine was small. We walk past the newsagents and it became an every day habit and if I didnt take any money out with me there was still an expectation of me buying them something. I reduced it to Fridays but then thought why? It was just habit and expectation from the kids to get something. I did stop it and did treat them. The treat then had value because it wasn't an expectation but something that was an occasional nice thing rather than their God given right!

When he's jumping up and down on the side of a main road, I can't ignore it though?

Why not? So long as you make sure he's safe whilst steadfastly failing to engage, job done.

I used to find DD's tantrums at home quite restful. Once I'd ascertained that she was safe and there was nothing actually wrong with her, I'd leave her to it and go off and do my own thing. She soon realised she was achieving nothing.

Please don't blame yourself, even without the difficult start your son had some children are just more prone to have tantrums and tantrums at 4 are not unusual.
As much as you can ignore them and when he is calm try to have a chat with him about treats ans they are treats because you don't get them all the time. He is young but you can explain about cost and no one can have everything they want.

Perhaps have a treat day when he is allowed to choose a comic, sweets etc. Then when he tantrums you can remind him that today is not treat day. Or you could try a reward chart. Eg tick for every day with no tantrums when he has x number of calm days he chooses a treat.
Lots of praise when he is helpful, accepts No, is calm when shopping and less attention,/engagement when tantruming.
He probably does feel sad not angry when he tantrums because he wants something he can't have and it's hard for him understand or accept why.

There's some brilliant advice on here, some of which I will use for my 4yo! But 'I just hate the being the reason he is sad' really stuck out for me. OP you are the parent, it's your job to teach him how to be a good person, that involves making him sad when he does something wrong. You aren't his friend, you're his
Mother. And regardless of his start in life, we are all facing that battle as parents everyday. It would be easy to indulge them and make them happy all the time but ultimately that doesn't create a nice person. You can do this!!

I think we all would have done the same as you, by slightly spoiling them due to hardships etc.

Have you read Toddler Training.

Toddler Training

Although it aimed at up to four year olds, I think the tips in it will be useful for you. I found it very helpful when mine were young.

Link the treats to his behaviour chart so good behaviour = treats - not just to 'once a week you'll get a treat for doing absolutely noting'.

How are you making him sad?! You aren't! Tantrums aren't sadness, every single one is a learning opportunity for the child to have another go at handling their feelings, learning to wait, coping with the crushing disappointment of not being able to have the thing they want at the exact moment they want it (!!). It's good for him not bad or saddening.

All this listing stuff he's had and why he can't have more, no. Just say, "We're not going to the shop today". Simple, instantly understandable. and you do NOT have to offer an alternative placating activity action or treat instead of the one you're not giving nor do you need to provide an explanation or justification - no is no! It's as simple as that. There are umpteen hundred opportunities in the day to notice and reward good behaviour and non treat-based as only doing stuff for treats is a poor motivation to teach a child anyway.

Don't despair! It's perfectly reasonable for you to be facing these challenges a bit later than most parents, given his tricky start. It's ok for him to want stuff passionately and tantrum about it! It's just time to teach him how to move on.

There is a website called AHA parenting, Attachment something or other. It's very helpful for teaching how to put boundaries in place without feeling mean!

For example, when he tantrums, recognise that he's very angry and upset, and how sad he feels to not get everything he wants. You get sad too, when you don't get what you want. And you get sad when he is sad.

Try telling him 'we aren't stopping at the shop today because I've got you a treat at home'. After a few tried, make it a routine that there is a treat at home, rather than at the shop. Maybe you have to rush home to see a friend, or go out somewhere. Try and break those habits.

I've got an only child (DD4.5) although due to have another in a few months (god help me!) - she still does tantrums (mostly when tired etc) if things don't go her way or she can't have what she wants.

Example - her best friend got a hamster recently, we have a cat, about to get a puppy (think cat will be ok) and she wants a hamster, she's not good about closing her bedroom door etc so I said no - I'm not about to deal with the cat killing the hamster, which he might do. Cue, screaming, shouting, tears for 3 days until she was round at her best friend's house and best friend's little brother had been bitten by hamster - they both told her, he had a big plaster on and had to get a tetanus jab. After that it was 'I've decided I don't think I want a hamster now, they bite'.

But yes, I ignore any tantrums, they soon pass and she's not even 5 yet. Same advice to you with your DS.

Isadora2007's ideas re small chores to do to earn money to buy small toys is a good idea. I do that with DD - not too much, but e.g. if she feeds the cat, brushes it, tidies her room without me asking her, takes her washing when dried upstairs, folds and puts away then she gets small amounts of pocket money. In fact, this has really helped her - she feels more grown up.

Could you introduce a reward system so he gets treats for good behaviour? For my DS, he gets a piece of cotton wool to put in a see-through plastic jar every time he's good, even for small things. When the jar's full he gets a treat of his own choice (within reason!). So he knows treats are only when the jar is full - not an everyday thing, and the way to get them is to keep being good.

I so relate to this. DS is two and a bit behind in his understanding of language due to hearing loss. So he has the wants and tantrums of a two year old but he doesn't know what I'm talking about when I'm trying to reason with him. I'm trying to break away from just giving him everything he wants because it's easier!

But then you're just placating him with endless treats --- which will lead to more tantrums not less pickle.

Trying to keep stopping a child from having to experience the strong emotions that lead to a tantrum is robbing them of the opportunity to learn these really important emotional skills.

Life is not an unending parade of treats!

You need to start before you even leave the house. Today we are going to go into town to do X, Y or Z. Mummy isn't going to buy you any toys, sweets or magazines today. Today we are just going to do "X".

Then stick to it. Ignore the tantrums. Pay lots of positive attention to him when he isn't being a screamy.

He'll soon realise you mean what you say and that shouting doesn't get him what he wants.

The other way is to buy him something right up front but say if he gets all screamy for other things during the trip out then the thing you bought him goes in the bin. Then stick to it.

The key is the sticking to it.

Talk to him, talk talk talk and be consistent. Do not give in. They understand so much more than we think.

When hes calm, initiate lots of conversation about it, that you are not going to give in if he tantrums, he is wasting his time. Explain why. Explain treats, explain gratitude, explain tantrums and being aggressive and rude and how they are not helping him, explain money, explain why he can't have everything. Explain how shopping trips need to be now.

People think they cant speak to their children because they are 'too young' to understand. They usually are not.

Why do you need to do a treat on a set day? because part of the problem is me and my dropping boundaries. So If I tell me he can have X once a week it helps me keep the boundary of No. He doesn't understand its magazine Monday. But Magazine Monday reminds me to say no iyswim

Re feeling like I should always make him happy and parent not friend. I am aware that raising a self entitled brat is not doing my wodnerful, smart, funny, loving child any favours. And part of that means accepting some of my decisions will make him sad. But I know that in a few weeks I'll pin him down / cajole him / comfort him and bribe him whilst he has an ultrasound. Then I'm a few months ill do it for an x ray. Then again for the dentist. Then for another consultant and on and on. He's massively wary of it all so even weight and height case him anguish. So I feel like I do my fair share of making the best decision for him knowing he doesn't understand that and will be distraught whilst it happens. It makes it harder to then do it based on which way we walk home, whether we go to the park, buying a toy or magazine etc. I know that's not the right thinking - boundaries and good behaviour matter too. He needs to know how to behave AND he needs to blodo tests.

Following with interest as I think I might have this problem too! Mine is only 11 months old and has been in hospital a lot so I’ve definitely overindulged him a bit to compensate for it! I’m worried that I an raising a spoilt brat but I also don’t want to deny him comfort! Will you let me know how you stopped the tantrums?

You need to ignore AND SEE IT THROUGH. Tantrumming will peak, then stop as long as all the adults in his life are consistent.

Look up "extinction burst" on google- this may be what your experience.

Imagine if you used a vending machine, every day you put money in the vending machine (asking or tantruming behaviour) and every day you got what you wanted (toy/magazine/kinder egg). Then one day it stops working- what do you do? You shake, hit, yell at the vending machine- this is what happens when you put a new consequence in place. Eventually you stop even trying to use the vending machine (tantrum behaviour) because you know it doesn't work anymore.

Whilst doing this I would have treats ready at home or even in the car (stash of kinder eggs or magazines etc) that you can give off the back of successful tantrum free shops. Even engineer a few 2 min shops with a reward in the car so he starts to get the idea.

Good luck, don't feel guilty!

it sounds as though you could have PTSD to be honest

It's very, very common for parents whose child has dealt with a serious illness to overcompensate like this. It doesn't mean the OP has a mental illness

OP the fact that your DS's Nursery aren't seeing any of the behaviours you describe speaks volumes. They have clear rules and boundaries and he knows that tantrumming won't change that. Once he figures out that throwing a tantrum won't get you to back down either, he will stop. It may take a while but he will stop.

It's completely understandable that you've indulged him after what he's been through. But you are absolutely doing the right thing by trying to nip it in the bud now. I've worked with teenagers who simply cannot function in a school environment because they're so used to getting everything they want and have never been told 'no'. These kids do not tend to really struggle socially and I worry about how they will cope in the world of work. Children have to experience disappointment, frustration and not getting what they want in early life in order to be able to cope with the real world. So you're not being mean by saying 'no' to your son, even if it temporarily makes him a bit sad, you're giving him important skills for life.

Also-
Ignore the behaviour NOT the child.

So if he's unsafe- pick him up/ move him etc. Then place him somewhere where the tantrumming does Not pose a risk.

Wait it out. Ignore tutting. It's worth going through the pain/embarrassment threshold. If you're worried you will cave then even consider going to another town to do it a few times first.

Come on OP give yourself a break! You've been through a really tough time and he's 4! You haven't ruined him!

Just start ignoring tantrums...not that it's easy! He knows how to behave if at nursery he's good so just relax and go easy on yourself.

Both my kids did this and they don't even have the excuses that you mentioned in the OP.

Rest assured it's also normal behaviour, and it will get better.

I hate the 3-5 stage, both my older boys were awful.

You are basically going through a development stage that he would have gone through 2 years ago if he wasn't ill. If you decide to google professional advice then it's the same stuff aimed at 2/3 year olds- be consistent (don't cave in sometimes or he'll learn that you don't mean what you say), be calm (it will get better if you are consistent), set expectations before you go out (it will be a shock at first but tackling this now is the best for him) . It may be embarrassing and you may feel like the only parent in the world with this problem but it can get better if you're consistent.