How do I unruin the 4 yo

[Imadehimlikethat]

So DS is just gone 4. He had a hard first two years in and out of hospital and that's left some long term issues. But in trying to compensate for them I've raised a scream tantruming child and I feel like I'm ruining his precious future.

For example he was tune fed for a long time and nil by mouth so when he finally asked for food we literally brought what he asked for so he'd eat. Now if we go into a shop he expects chocolate and a you so ideally a Kinder Egg etc.

I've indulged him quite a bit to make up for when he's had a hard time so now he expects a magazine if we go in the shop, a toy fro mtbe vending machine etc.

The answer to no is a tantrum. Full on jump up and down and scream job.

He knows which shops sell the things he wants so will specifically ask to go in them - tantrum if we don't, tantrum if we do but say no to a toy etc.

The guilt of the hard first two years plus a delay in his communication skills and some learning delay meant he was rewarded for I guess precocious behaviour - wanting to pick where we went, where he sits etc because it WAS cute and proof that he was communicating with us. Not if he doesn't get his own way we just get tantrums.

Nursery never see a tantrum or anger.

He will smack me when he's upset but says he's sad not angry.

Thing is I know this isn't his fault. He's a product of over indulgent parenting and that's mainly on me as a SAHP and def the softer one.

Attempts at reinstating boundaries lead to.... Tantrums!!

I between he's funny and loving and sweet. I just don't know how to stop all the bad parenting in a way that's going to make him into a lite boy who will make friends and do well I nschool and be happy as opposed to someone who cries if someoen else is on the slide at the same time!!

The tantrums have only got this bad over the last month but he's def quite "precious" in terms of getting upset if anything doesn't go totally his own way.

Have I screwed his life up before he's even got to school??

Oh, OP I can't imagine how hard it ,must have been for you those first couple of years. But is is never too late. Remain firm, don't move the goalposts. You obviously adore him and he knows that. That is something very special in itself.

Minr did this once , I got so feed up of it that let them walk in and have everything they wanted asked them do you want this ?
They filled up a basket, i then said and because you threw a tantrum to get me in here we are getting nothing, and walked out the shop....

I totally agree with @LonnyVonny.
Came here to say the same thing but wouldn’t have been able to write it as well.

Is he small enough to stuff in a buggy?

You have done amazing btw. You now want him to adapt.
I would probably tell him how proud of him I was, how far he has come. How amazing it is he now asks for things,
Can you buy a stock of Kinder eggs with him and then use them as a present when you get home for even more of his excellent behaviour, development and communication?

If he fits in the buggy you can say to him
"My darling if you behave like a baby I will put you In the buggy and yoj don't want that" "you must hold my hand and stop taking things from the shelves"

My son is too big even though he is only two to get in a buggy and he is murder in the shops.
I've found saying
"Of course" "certainly" "deffinately" etc really help him.

So I say you can of course have the kinder egg (he loves them too I mean he is obsessed) but let's buy them in a box that is cheaper and bring them home when you have eaten dinner I will give you one ! You can choose the one you want!

My son doesn't eat nicely at home and is a brat and is as good as gold at nursery
Like you my son had some health issues at birth and to be honest we were just grateful he and I were alive but now that we are doing better it's time to adapt

It's so hard but I want to say it's not your fault xxxx

You are not the reason he is sad

He is getting upset because he is learning that the world isn't going to give him everything he wants, whenever he wants it. Every child learns that sooner or later.

It's OK to throw the rules out of the window for clinic appointments, as long as you are consistent in that. He will get to grips with that distinction quickly.

If weight and height are enough to make him anxious, could you contact the clinic and ask for a referral to the play therapist? Their role includes helping reduce anxiety for children who require repeated uncomfortable or painful procedures. If his anxiety can be reduced, it could make everything a little easier for both of you.

I think you're doing great op, you recognise a cause for your ds' behaviour and you're working hard to fix it. So you have nothing to feel guilty for.... the last few years sound tough. Four is still very young so he's got loads of time to learn, just expect some resistance before improvement because he's not going to love it.
I'd suggest deciding what's going to happen before you leave the house then sharing it with ds and sticking to it:
We're going to feed the ducks, we'll walk past x shop but we won't go in today, on the way home you can go on the swings if you haven't had a tantrum.

Could he cope with that much language? If not, maybe try a few visuals with it so that he has a clear picture of what's expected before you set off?

Ah OP you've totally got this. The key is you can see he's got a bit spoiled and you are taking steps to address it. It might take a bit of time, but that's ok.

Maybe not yet, but one day you'll be able to say to him "do you actually think that if you keep crying like that I'll give in?". The penny will drop and he'll say "umm, no" and stop kicking off. You just need to be consistent enough first that he can learn the new "normal". It is hard when they have been so ill, it can have a huge impact on the family dynamic. It's not something you did wrong, you've been a responsive parent to a very sick child and now you're responding to his needs now he is better. You'll be just fine.

The set days for treats sound like a great idea, and really adaptable to be switched for pocket money/ reward charts as he grows up.

Why do you need to do a treat on a set day?

because part of the problem is me and my dropping boundaries. So If I tell me he can have X once a week it helps me keep the boundary of No. He doesn't understand its magazine Monday. But Magazine Monday reminds me to say no iyswim can I just say, my comment was meant as a criticism towards you! As I said I fell into the same trap when my boys were young.

Can I tell you something that happened years ago. When Ds was in yr1 a child, whose mother was a teacher at the same school died. It was a huge shock of course, especially for the other teachers who were her friend. Everyone over compensated to be ' nice' to the child. Boundaries were overstepped, he could put his feet on the table,he didnt have to wear the exact uniform. he got a treat every day from his nan and grandad.The childs behaviour become more obnoxious and bullying because he could get away with things because ' he had a bad start'
It was only when he moved away and the new school wouldnt put up with the behaviour that the nice kid returned ,so to speak. I know all this because it is very close to my family.

I know it us different for you but the point was ,like your child he went through a tough time, like you, his family and teachers wanted ' to make it up' to him and handled him with kid gloves. However that just made things worse. Tough love was hard, very hard but it brought rules, boundaries and security back to the child. The lad is a man now and he is a pleasure to spend time with but I do believe things could be different if people have into his demands.
You are on the right track Op!
It'll be worth the hard work in the long run!

Does he like/is he able to eat fruit?

I was very pleased with myself when I managed to convince DD2 that fruit was something very special, as a cheery 'I've just remembered! We've got strawberries at home!' could distract her away from almost any bit of chocolate or plastic tat that caught her eye.

It worked brilliantly. So well, that when other parents were paying out a whole 10p for a Freddo a day, I was being done for at least three quid's worth of soft fruit every other and more if she came shopping with me.

He's not ruined or screwed up, and you haven't done anything wrong. It can just be difficult to get back to normal discipline for kids who have been ill for a long time. And children with communication delays can get frustrated and tantrummy, so you have a tricky combo to manage.

Agree with pp that it may help to have clear expectations stated ahead of time. Some children cope well with "on the spot" decisions, others really struggle and are better following rules they already know. Schools and nurseries follow routine because they have to manage so many children, and that's possibly one reason why he's well behaved there. If he doesn't know when he gets things and when he doesn't then he will keep on trying - demanding more and more and tantrumming - because to him it's not predictable. To his childish eyes you decide at random, he doesn't understand grown-up reasons for getting things or not. So if you decide ahead of time and tell him in ways he understands, maybe give him a few simple choices "this or that" rather than total free range, then he isn't disappointed so often. Maybe a few treats he gets regularly, and other treats he can earn and then when he has earned a treat you can go to the shop and he can choose what he fancies.

You can "ignore" tantrums in the sense of not engaging with the tantrum, not arguing with him or scolding him or trying to bargain with him or bribe him while it's going on, while you don't actually let him run into the road. Just say nothing, or use a very very boring voice "when you are ready we will walk home and then do " on repeat.

Hope it all keeps improving for you and your little one!

OP you haven't ruined him - but the sooner you start dealing with his behaviour the easier it will be. The more it goes on, the more ingrained it becomes.

You have to be consistent and the best way to do it, however much it hurts you, is treat it like ripping off a plaster, short and sharp.

You've talked about his communication issues and developmental delay, and I suspect that part of the reason for his tantrums is not because he doesn't get what he wants, but because he doesn't understand why he got what he asked for yesterday but not today. He's confused.

If he fits in the buggy you can say to him
"My darling if you behave like a baby I will put you In the buggy alas no. I mean he fits in it, he's got a special one as he has equipment but we have to use it for long distances etc so I can't turn it into a baby jail lol

@Goldmandra you've made me cry. I am an utterly shit Mum. I can't believe I've never thought to ask for something like this. I mean we see respiratory, cardio, surgical plus dietician, dentist, blood tests and renal scans. Why the hell haven't I thought of that. Thank you. Seeing paeds soon. I'll raise it

Does he like/is he able to eat fruit? no to like, yes to can but he doesn't trust the sight of it to put it in his mouth except ape with the skin on. Everything else is too wet Amarylis that is how I deal with them tbf. We have a chat to see if he can explain what's wrong as he has a habit of s reaming for lots of things because it's quicker than words so getting him to say it when he's able helps. When he's too upset he can't so it's a useful distinction for distracting it away or waiting it out so to speak

I'm fairly immune to theooms tbf. He got really upset in the shop because he couldn't have X but mainly because he was tired. We sat in the nude of the floor and hugged it out because I couldn't carry him, he wouldn't walk and I knew he'd got too tired.

The looks

Middle not nude. Geez that would garner some looks

If your son has developmental delays, realistically he is acting like a child of that age. So whilst he may have had a rough couple of years, be assured he's likely pretty normal for his developmental age.

I'm sure others have already said it but look at what a child should be doing at that age and treat him accordingly.

Most of all, be consistent! I have 2 Sen children and it's bloody hard going at times. But consistency means they learn what to expect and they react to situations accordingly.

If you have an early help team in your area, or a children's centre, ask about courses like stepping stones or effective discipline, raising children and the like. They can help give you the skills to realise you are not a bad parents, that there are others in similar boats and give you a different way of thinking about things so you're not trapped in a negative spiral.

Goldmandra you've made me cry. I am an utterly shit Mum. I can't believe I've never thought to ask for something like this.

You're not a shit mum! I only suggested it because my own DD was in a similar situation and the play therapist on the ward suggested it. We visited the ward fortnightly for a few months and she worked with DD2 very gently to help reduce the anxieties she could. If it hadn't been offered, I would never have thought to ask.

I'm sorry it made you cry

First... Stop saying 'no'.
Second, deflect requests by redirecting his attention.
Third, say "why don't we make a list of all the things you like in the toy shop for father christmas to have later in the year" or "why don't we make a list of what your favourite chocolate is, so we can let the easter bunny know together later, what colour egg should we paint on the card?"

Intentionally plan trips to the shop to only do these things. Make it clear it's not for him to get something 'right now' or 'today'. Give him a little treat when you get half way home if he behaves well, eventually just when he gets home and then eventually nothing, because it'll just become normal behaviour. Make it all very exciting and a new game.

When he gets used to going in to shops and not getting instant gratification he will quickly stop the tantrums.

My friend has always given her dd everything she ever asks for too. And the dd also has complex health issues. It's hard to watch as the girl is now 5 and so spoilt! Treats should be occasional. No child is worse off for having occasional treats rather than daily ones. Think about the adult you want to create. If you're getting tantrums anyway then just say no from the outset and get the tantrum over and done with. He'll soon learn not to expect sweets and magazines and toys every time he goes out.

First... Stop saying 'no
Years ago on a training course we were told this.
On a more recent training session the advice had changed and now it was ok to say ' no' to a child.
Children were becoming used to not hearing the word and getting anything negative sugar coated to them they never learned that no is a straight forward response...........apparently.

He doesn't get everything he wants tbf, he is currently waiting for the Easter Bunny to bring one thing and the poor Birthday Fairy and Father Christmas take it in turns to have the responsibility lol.
But truth is he is (initially) really happy and excited and I love the giggle he gets. But actually there are other ways to generate that giggle. I have to stop going for easy hits

Good advice on here OP you just need to keep being consistent and remember that if you give in you’ll feel better for a little bit but worse in the long term.
4 year olds are hard work. DD didn’t have any developmental delays but she used to have the most awful tantrums at that age. I remember having to lock in the car and stand next to it for 20 minutes when trying to come home from the supermarket because she was in such a rage she was thrashing round too much to be strapped into her car seat. It’ll pass.

Brilliant shout from Goldmandra about the play therapist. Also worth asking if they have child-friendly stuff to help prepare for the appointment. Ours has a YouTube video of a teddy having an ultrasound in the exact room they use in our hospital, for example.

And it can be good to make it clear you are definitely coming back afterwards, to reduce hospital anxiety - so something like starting a jigsaw puzzle together but leaving it half-done and saying "we'll do that when we get home again from the hospital this afternoon". Post-hospital treats can be visiting grandma / going to the park / anything free or not food related!

Hospital wise, it's hard for them to do anything because it's two hospitals. Lots of departments. When the doctor pulls the "do you want to touch it, ooh look at Teddy stuff" DS is just upset for longer. I just dead eye them and tell them to hurry up.
Will def speak to our paed consultant.

He's amazing on the trip to / from hospital and in the waiting room. In fact last appt he wanted to go back and play in the bloody thing. He'll generally walk into the smaller room OK although there's the odd room he won't even walk in (small / dark). It's literally just when they touch but if thry asked for a kiss or a cuddle he would. He's always saying hello to strangers but he hates the minute thry turn into nurses / doctors. You can imagine how much fun changing a gastrostomy is!! And so I compensate and the cycle continues.

But I want a more emotionally resilient child who can cope in the world and that's my (our) job.

Anyone wanna potty train him whilst you're all being so awesome 😂😂😂

I have to stop going for easy hits

I am an utterly shit Mum.

Please stop doing this to yourself. You sound like a brilliant mum, honestly. You've got tonnes of insight. Parenting is a marathon not a sprint and I think your little boy is in great hands.

Hospital wise, it's hard for them to do anything because it's two hospitals. Lots of departments. When the doctor pulls the "do you want to touch it, ooh look at Teddy stuff" DS is just upset for longer. I just dead eye them and tell them to hurry up.

A good play therapist will put this kind of thing into a plan and make sure that clinicians see it before your DS arrives for a procedure.