How do I unruin the 4 yo

[Imadehimlikethat]

So DS is just gone 4. He had a hard first two years in and out of hospital and that's left some long term issues. But in trying to compensate for them I've raised a scream tantruming child and I feel like I'm ruining his precious future.

For example he was tune fed for a long time and nil by mouth so when he finally asked for food we literally brought what he asked for so he'd eat. Now if we go into a shop he expects chocolate and a you so ideally a Kinder Egg etc.

I've indulged him quite a bit to make up for when he's had a hard time so now he expects a magazine if we go in the shop, a toy fro mtbe vending machine etc.

The answer to no is a tantrum. Full on jump up and down and scream job.

He knows which shops sell the things he wants so will specifically ask to go in them - tantrum if we don't, tantrum if we do but say no to a toy etc.

The guilt of the hard first two years plus a delay in his communication skills and some learning delay meant he was rewarded for I guess precocious behaviour - wanting to pick where we went, where he sits etc because it WAS cute and proof that he was communicating with us. Not if he doesn't get his own way we just get tantrums.

Nursery never see a tantrum or anger.

He will smack me when he's upset but says he's sad not angry.

Thing is I know this isn't his fault. He's a product of over indulgent parenting and that's mainly on me as a SAHP and def the softer one.

Attempts at reinstating boundaries lead to.... Tantrums!!

I between he's funny and loving and sweet. I just don't know how to stop all the bad parenting in a way that's going to make him into a lite boy who will make friends and do well I nschool and be happy as opposed to someone who cries if someoen else is on the slide at the same time!!

The tantrums have only got this bad over the last month but he's def quite "precious" in terms of getting upset if anything doesn't go totally his own way.

Have I screwed his life up before he's even got to school??

Well done for deciding to tackle it now. Best advice my DBIL ever gave me (they were two children ahead of us) - it's all a phase, might be a day, might be a month, but it's all a phase.

Keeping ignoring as far as you safely can, enforce consequences consistently and with some kindness, reward the good behavior and you'll get the behavior. You might need to find some healthier ways to show love than buying him whatever he wants, little treats like choosing an activity when you would have done an activity anyway, like park or swimming pool. He doesn't need to know you would have done anything to get the house anyway.

For years I just did not go to the shops or supermarket with DS, after a couple of episodes more akin to a Die Hard movie than Topsy and Tim. He's fine now!

I walk past the damn shop every day because its on the way home lol. We catch the bus in but walk home. I don't want to catch the bus home too as he needs the exercise lol.

I was away the weekend and they've been worse since I got back. Another thing to beat myself up with!

I understand and recognize your situation. My mother was the same with my brother for similar reasons. The only difference is you recognize there is a problem and want to change, my mother didnt and still feels guilty and has created a monster that she us frightened off, he is now 50!!

You've got some very good advice on this thread. This has probably been said but my contribution is to remain consistent. Dont give in once you have said something for an easy life. I'm not saying never negotiate with a child, just not while they are going through a tantrum.
Keep choices simple and font get into conversation. Once the tantrum had started we dudnt engage, it just made things last longer and for them to find a weakness.

It will be difficult but if you stay strong and consistent so the child knows exactly where they stand and know your reaction is going to be the same there will be a breakthrough.
Good luck, it won't last for ever!!

Thanks, I know you're all right, consistency and solidity. He's currently sat on my lap watching TV and giving sticky kisses

I would make a reward chart. Pick a specific thing he can do around the house and have a sticker chart - he does X 5 times and he can choose a treat. Make it something achievable but not too easy - tidying toys, helping in garden something like that.

Then stick to it. That’s when treats happen.

All other requests are turned down with a calm - “you can have a treat when you get ” - all negative behaviour is ignored.

Positive behaviour is rewarded with specific comments “you’re doing X/Y/Z beautifully!”

It’s much, much kinder to him in the long run - your last update shows the confused messages he’s being given.

No judgements OP - he nearly died and that is horrendous. He didn’t though, so he deserves the boundaries that allow him to make sense of the world.

Be consistent choose a system and stick with it (it may takes a month or two to work) .Count to ten when you feel like screaming. Pick your battles. Give him the illusion of choice e.g. which would you rather have the banana or the apple? where you can. Don't sweat the small stuff. Praise anything you can and don't go on about what he is doing wrong.

Good luckx

Many years ago the Explosive Child book helped me (may be a bit dated now)

Could you walk on the other side of the road for a few days or take a different route?

As PP said, specific praise for even beginning to possibly behave well.

I liked the Happiest Toddler on the Block and used the little tricks in there long after he wasn't a toddler. Got it cheap second hand off Amazon. A Mum at school is in a similar position but still struggling to say no to the unhealthy treats that don't help the underlying medical condition, don't underestimate how traumatic it's been for you both just getting through the illness/hospital treatment etc.

In addition to all the excellent advice here, if you and he spent two years going through scary and distressing stuff in and out of hospitals together, it may be worth seeing if anyone in your area does theraplay? My DB's youngest had some medical trauma very young and the forcing medication down them/having to do physio had to be done but caused a lot of understandable behaviour. They found some theraplay sessions a gentle way to work on some of the dynamics and feelings and got a lot of support that way. (I think they accessed through a children's centre??)

It's hard when they have a delay or are young for their age. Just wondering whether he handles it better at nursery because everything there is structured, so he knows what's happening? If I sometimes change my mind or do something nice and unplanned, for my DC it opens the door to a lot more requests because hey, why not? Mum changed our shopping trip to include lunch, what else might I get if I ask?!

We use a visual timetable on the fridge (magnetic one) to explain what's happening that day. Unless there's an actual earthquake, I try and stick to it. It has a good effect on behaviour now DC are used to it - "we are doing breakfast, dressed, going to the library. Home for lunch, then playing at home in the afternoon" for example.

I can't deny it's hardly "let's fly to Paris!" spontaneous and thrilling but it removes a LOT of conflict triggers.

Also agree with PP who said offer some limited choices "would you like your cheese sandwich on the red plate or the blue plate?" as low-intensity practice for making good choices and exerting healthy control.

I agree with previous posters that you've done your best and have nothing to feel guilty about.

If you have issues with eating, try Ellyn Satter. She is so sensible I find myself using her approach in other areas of life.

We do 🤣🤣 he just points across the road and says "in there!! I'm there!! I want a magazine. Please"

I think us not going in is the answer for now. I worried never taking him in would make it worse because he needs to practise going in and not getting a "thing"

In other ways he's awesome. Walked round with a magazine in the supermarket, saw a different toy he wanted and put the magazine on the shelf to pick up toy. No question about wanting both. He's quite fickle I guess so he'd happily return the thing he really wanted five minutes ago for thing newer thing.

I brought him a magazine and he looked at it, declared it had no toy. I said oh right shall we bin it then?? And he's like yes OK. Grrrrr

Teapot13 ill have a Google but they are medical rather than just picky. Very much linked into sensory issues and very consistent

The post you said where you took him to the pub for lunch then there was the issue with the slide then he wanted a toy but he didn't want the toy that was available then you gave him your phone then you had to take the phone back off him.

That all sounds VERY confusing (to me, and I'm an adult!) but you're switching and swapping and offering and rescinding in a completely confusing and inconsistent way which is going to cause MORE tantrums, not less!

You don't have to treat him when he's having a good day OP! Just praise and a sticker on the chart that leads to something special (like a trip to his favourite shop for a Kinder egg), you know? You don't 'owe' him treats and gifts you really don't. Think about how what you do now is preparing him for understanding consequences of actions (which is so important in his future) and how you're teaching him emotional resilience and learning how to wait - these are golden things to bestow on him and even whilst being very very firm and consistent, you can still be loving and kind and respectful of him . Remember that children actually enjoy boundaries and consistency - it makes them feel safe and secure when they know where they stand but are surrounded by love. You sound like you're really on the right path though so keep at it.

Similarly though as a PP said, give him choices. Give him choices at various times during the day - but only about things that don't really matter. Like "Would you like fish fingers for tea or chicken nuggets" or "Do you want to put your wellies on or do you want your shoes", "We can watch half an hour of TV, do you want to watch Teletubbies or In the Night Garden", "What colour sticker do you want to put on your sticker chart", that sort of thing. This will show him that his wishes and feelings are important and are listened to to balance out the times when you say "No, we cannot have an ice cream right now because it's dinner in half an hour".

Good luck with it OP!

You've already had lots of really good advice.

Lots of children need to go through the tantrumming stage just to find out that they don't work. As long as you don't change the decisions you're making as a result of tantrums or in order to avoid them, they will soon stop.

However, please don't follow the advice of giving a child rewards and then removing them for bad behaviour. That puts all the focus on the behaviour you don't want to see and is far more likely to reinforce it.

Focus instead on praising the behaviour you want to see, being consistent with boundaries and helping him understand his own emotions and how he could express them more appropriately.

You don't need to be cold or cross with him. Tantrums are upsetting for the child and it's OK to acknowledge that while still not being swayed by them.

You have absolutely not ruined him! You did what was needed during such a difficult time when he was smaller to help him along and cheer him up. Now you have realised that he's growing up and that it's time to make some changes to help him learn and grow - sounds like you're doing everything right to me!

I have a three year old with some communication delay and I feel your pain on the tantrums. Here are some things that have helped me:

Avoid triggers: If there's something that always causes tantrums then I do my best to avoid it as much as I possibly can. If you go to the shop every day and every day he has a tantrum about not getting a treat, then every day his habit is being reinforced. Is there any way to avoid it, even for a week, just to reset expectations?

Communicating in advance: If you have to go to the shop, can you tell him exactly what is going to happen and whether he will be getting anything before you even leave the house, so he's got time to get used to the idea?

Let him have his own way at set times: Could he have a treat every Friday instead of every day? Then you can say "No, you can't have that today but you can have it on Friday" when he kicks off. Plus, he won't feel like he's lost all control.

Concrete boundaries: No matter how awful the tantrum, never give in because it will make next time a million times worse!

Good luck with it, it's not easy. And honestly, your four year old is not the only four year old who screams about not getting anything at the shop. He's not a monster, and you aren't a bad parent. So give yourself a break too.

However, please don't follow the advice of giving a child rewards and then removing them for bad behaviour.
I totally agree with this. Once a reward has been earned, as far as I was concerned, it was in the bag for them. If they later had "bad behaviour " there would be an appropriate consequence for that. Once you go down the road if taking what they've earned from them they can feel they've got nothing to lose. Keep things simple.

Try a chart for walking whilst holding your hand. You can't let that slide, so even if he doesn't want to hold your hand obviously you need to do it for safety. But it's so much better if he wants to do it rather than him having a tantrum over it. Make the reward one of his magazines/toys (but spell out it's a definite number of stars he needs to earn it.

I have a baby born at 26 weeks who is now a toddler. He’s also had repeat hospital admissions over the last two years with poorly lungs and has nearly died twice. I get the indulgence thing. Plus we have an older child as well so I am conscious that sometimes I have patented differently.

BUT. Think of it this way. He’s had an uncertain start to life. What he needs now is stability and clear boundaries to help him recover from that. He cannot catch up with his peers if he’s emotionally treated as a much younger child. You say he’s developmentally delayed which is fine but even my 2 year would be told off for some of that behaviour.
So here are some tips:

• have a few simple rules. We have no hitting. No throwing. And no screaming. And hitting is a wide category so includes kicking etc. Each of these results in a time out. Which in this house means I remove him to a space and sit there with him (holding him down if need be) till he is calm. I then repeat why he is there and what the rules are. And that if he did it again he would go back there. Rinse and repeat.
• Say no. It’s a REALLY important thing for a child with developmental delays to learn. My son had a brain haemorrhage and I had a lot of chats with neurologists after his cranial ultrasounds. Learning to wait, being told no, learning to accept the no are all REALLY important developmental milestones. So when you say no think of it as doing him a favour- like occupational therapy. Don’t say no for petty things, but a no is a no.
• You can ignore tantrums. Make a cup of tea when indoors and let him tantrum. Occasionally offer a hug. Do not negotiate. Do not try to ‘solve’ the issue. He will be too irrational to deal with it. He might then hit/spit/kick and he’s back in time out and the original fuss is forgotten and you are in a new tantrum cycle. Deal with one thing and one thing firmly no matter how long it takes.
• Set expectations before you leave the house. We are going here. You are not getting X. We are then doing Y. Then we are coming home. As you do these, repeat them to him. It sets clear boundaries and expectations.
• For now, cut out the treats. When his behaviour is more reasonable you can re-introduce them. In your example he wouldn’t have had the toy to entertain him. Take something in your bag- a sticker book, a book, a little pad. He gets nothing new for a bit. And I wouldn’t have taken him back to the slide after the first tantrum. I would have said, ‘you didn’t share, so no slide today. We go home. When you share, you get the slide.’ And just leave it there. Don’t explain yourself further. Don’t negotiate.

The jumping up and down on the way home you handled perfectly. Ignore and say in a bored voice: please walk properly. And when they are walking properly LOTS of praise. And maybe something like: you are walking like a big boy so shall we have a big boy chat about the cars going past? Turn the treats into non material things. You put on your socks so well (or you put on your socks without a fuss- as a treat would you like to choose a shoe?). You ate so well, as a treat should we do some colouring together or as a treat, would you like to help me load the dishwasher?

Hmmmm. DS also has had a lot of hospital appointments in his short life (and is the same age of your son), and we too have spoiled him somewhat - he often gets something nice to eat if we go to a supermarket, or a magazine. I often buy his toys, especially after yet another uncomfortable appointment. But I guess the difference is that when we say no, he pouts a bit and then gets on with his day. I think this is because we did completely ignore it when he has (very rarely) tantrummed... but it might also just be personaility rather than our parenting. Sorry OP. I'd try ingoring it - no gifts for a week or so - then see what happens. He needs to learn that not every trip results in a present.

Sorry for the typos!

Look up Hand in Hand Parenting, really great approach with equally great results.

And as for your second example, again he’s just getting too many things. Does he need that magazine or that toy? Nope. Don’t buy it. Take something from home to entertain him. He wants to bin it because he doesn’t get the value of it.

Lots of fab advice. When you see him do ANYTHING positive, notice it and comment on it. Well done for putting your shoes on, fab crossing the road holding my hand, I noticed that you brushed your teeth the first time I asked..thank you. You feel odd and he may question why you have said it, but it makes them feel good. It worked wonders for our LO who we guilt parented cos she is adopted and we were so happy, but she could play us! She is a different kid now. When she (we) start slipping, we up the ante so to speak and she changes back. It's great. Good luck, you can do this!

I am having exactly the same issue over here! 🙋🏼‍♀️ Kinder Eggs, Magazines, Barny Bears etc. If anyone says no to her she goes BATSHIT. Hitting, punching kicking. Tells me to "Shut up mummy!!!"

I also know it's my fault as I overcompensated for a terrible start in life thanks to her now non existent father. Totally my fault. She now thinks SHE is in charge. Not me....... I would actually say it sounds like she's a tad worse than your boy. Following with interest. At least you know you're not alone in this struggle xx

Just gradually start deferring the gratification - buy a Kinder Egg one day and put it next to a wee star chart on a shelf - three boxes to fill. He gets the egg when all three have a sticker or star in. Talk to him about it in advance, instead of when there is an egg in the shop he wants to eat straightaway. So before you go out, make the chart, choose some stickers, make it exciting, then allow him to choose the treat for his chart, making it clear it's not for now.

If there is an egg sitting at home, you can say "we're not going in there today, but if you walk home nicely you will get a star towards to other egg." If you are in the shop you can say "we're still saving up stickers for the egg at home, after that you can choose the next reward."

You have to be calm and consistent, so if he didn't walk home nicely - no star, but just say that he can try again tomorrow, no pressure either.