Need advice and a handhold. My child called ' simple'.

[wildbhoysmama]

More of a WWYD. I'm really upset right now as my poor little boy is vulnerable and I can't bear for him to be bullied.

I've never, ever had words in my whole life with any neighbour but there's been heated words and I'm not sure what to do.

My DS is 7 and has ADHD and autistic traits ( as well as being severely epileptic, so he copes with a lot) but is a fun, funny, kind and positive little guy. He is emotionally and socially around age 5, but in mainstream and we've been told he's very sharp and performing excellently at school ( he loves school, it is a very caring environment for him.). Life is not always easy but we're a v close family ( 2 older DS and close wider family) and me and DH work hard to make sure he's understood and we have a v happy home life.

We live in a lovely neighbourhood with a mix of families and older people, most of whom have been here many years and whilst noone lives in each other's pockets we're all supportive and everyone is pleasant. All the kids play out, including our DS and he has some lovely, wee friends. Unfortunately one child is problematic: they moved in about 3 years ago ( their house backs onto ours) and whilst I don't know them we pass the time of day. Their DD is 10 and just horrible to our DS. She belittles him, manipulates him and, I think, uses him to make herself look good in front of others. She constantly calls in for him and despite being told politely he's not available she continues to call for him sometimes 2/3 times a day (it maybe to do with our trampoline/ climbing wall etc).

We had a horrendous summer last year trying to get DS to understand that they shouldn't speak as they just don't get on. He was the butt of her jokes and she manipulated the others to run away from him etc. It ended up she threw stones at him and smashed our car window the parents were apologetic and paid for the repair.

The last, few weeks with the weather being better she has started calling again. We say not to call again but she keeps doing so. Tonight things came to a head. Pur DS was on his swing and she was whispering insults to him through our high hedge. Our NDN heard it all as she called him 'simple'. Our DS then asked my DH what it meant.

I went round to her door (.never had to before) to Express my upset. Her mother said ' I'll have a word' but very casually as if it was no big deal. When I said it was quite a big deal she got very angry, saying that we had to keep our son away from her DD too. I pointed out that he is not the issue and with his ASN her dd needs to know that he's vulnerable. She exploded- walking up to my face and asking me to leave her garden.
I said it was very ' adult ' and left.

Her dd was adopted 4 years ago and I don't know whether this makes her mother very over-protective, but she must know how awful her dds behaviour is. Both my NDNs call the dd 'vile'- not nice for a child but I hate to say I agree.

I don't know what to do? I can't keep him from playing out. What do I do if this victimisation continues? Do I have grounds to have a chat with social services or is that just way OTT.

Sorry it's long, thanks for listening in advance.

I think it's more that the OP has to do what she can. Her child is her priority, the 10 year old isn't.

Wholeheartedly agree with laiste.

** for you OP. Hope your DS is feeling better.

She knows that already though. That's the starting point. It's just stating the obvious and reinforcing the boundaries/obstacles between the adults that are already there.

No one here has said the girls possible past means the OP should pat her on the head and do nothing.

We're working towards a solution. Looking at ways to make this better for everyone, no? That means starting with understanding the 'other side'.

More space on this thread has been given to speculation about how the girls adoption has effected her than to the OPs son who has suffered 2 years of bullying. There really are plenty of posts telling OP to tread carefully because of this or withdraw and hide and trust that the girls parents are dealing with it and having a terrible time dealing probably with little support. How traumatising is it to put up with 2 years of sustained bullying without any support? It’s not a question of sides, but I do wonder why people rush onto threads to disagree with the Op and brim over with empathy for the girl without doing the same for the Op who is currently having a shit time.

Op I hope your son is feeling better today.

If you're still reading OP; i second the posts suggesting reconciliation. Whipping you up into being more angry is achieving very little. Anger is the easiest emotion to have and most times doesn't get you anywhere.

Personally i think one of the best answers here was the one suggesting the starting point should be writing a note to the other mum. Don't think of it as rolling over or turning the other cheek or baring olive branches as such OP. Think of it as not giving in to the obvious reactions and instead tackling things by thinking out of the box to solve this properly. For the long term, and in the most pleasant way for your son.

I think a note through the door is the way to go, factually and straight to the point and asking her to support you in stopping her dd bullying your DS.

I am still shocked by the victim blaming on this thread. the op's disabled child is being victimised and bullied by this girl.
yet the op is being told to write notes to the girls mother and all sorts.
the Op has posted that the girl mocked her son having a fit.
yet still its all about the bully.
if I was the op (and I have been there) I would call the police and ask for help. they won't arrest the girl or anything like that, but will hopefully visit the family. maybe that will shock the mother into dealing with it.
it might not work, but at least as this escalates over the years (and it will) the police will be aware.
the op's son needs to see her supporting him, not the bully.

Thank you all for the flowers. Wee guy is grand this morning, thank you, we're used to it and he copes really well. He'll probably nap today which gives me time to relax.

I absolutely have his back on this, as I do with all my sons, but normally I am more supportive in a behind the scenes role, letting them navigate life as their own people with us there as back up and to give guidance. In this situation it has gone too far, my ds is not going to be her performance tool, and I will be very proactive. I may be calm and thoughtful of others but I do not suffer fools gladly.

I am not confident at all that I'll get anywhere with the mother after the way she spoke to my calmness the other night. I may try to speak to the father if I catch him - he seems far more understanding and calm ( he was the one who dealt with my dh over the smashed windscreen last year) mainly to address her insulting him whilst he's in his own back garden, and I will be keeping a diary of things from now on. If she comes anywhere near the house she will be given clear, firm, short shrift- no emotion involved just told to go and not come anywhere near us.

samcro I don't see anyone victim blaming or suggesting that this upsetting behavior should be ignored. It is more about what strategies are likely to bring change.
OP knows what has been tried up to now doesn't work so it is about thinking about what might. As summer is coming up and there are issues using the family garden some sort of solution does need to be found.
OP did you say at one point you worked in a school? If so you might find talking to the SENCO about helpful strategies in this situation ( just to be clear this isn't victim blaming just trying to use possible resources) As pp have said a lot of standard responses may just make the situation worse.
I hope you find solutions that work for your family.

Sorry to hear about the latest incident OP. I strongly think you should write down the facts of what happened - without emotion - in a letter to her parents. You need a written record and to show that you have made them aware. They need to be fully informed so they have the opportunity to try and manage the behaviour and get their child any support she needs.

Why she is bullying your DS is a red herring and is of no consequence in your situation.

You need to turn her away firmly when she next knocks and let her know in no uncertain circumstances she is not to knock again for your DS. Your priority is him, not her.

You need to tell your son to ignore her and her nasty comments because the bottom line is he is going to come across nasty people throughout his life ( we all do) and he needs to develop resilience.
Am I right in thinking his emotional/ social development equates to a 5 year old? You would not I hope must let a five year old play in ' public places' without adult supervision . This is no different he hasn't the social smarts to be able to hold his own with 10 year olds!

@wildbhoysmama, I hope you had a peaceful day today and your son has recovered well.

It sounds like you have a good plan going forward (diary and speaking to the dad). I'm sure you've been told, if you've done any of the parenting course the professionals like to send us Sen parents on, that changing your approach can often change the outcome. Even if it takes a little while obviously you need this resolving sooner rather than later and definitely before the long summer holidays.

Thank you all, feeling ready to face what comes and, minisok you're right about changing approach. I may enlist DH to do the chatting to the father, he's very calm but gets straight to the point.

Dana I have indeed told him to ignore her. I am aware that he needs resilience, he has quite a lot already, he's not cried about any of this, just become puzzled, and I have raised 2 other sons rather successfully. We know our son and he will be allowed out to play with the others, many of whom are aged 5-8 who he socialises with very well and the other 9-10 year olds are kind and find him good company ( he was on the NDN trampoline with 3 of the older ones earlier): he is not the problem and I will not have him treated as such.

Thanks for all comments, again.

No your son absolutely isn't the problem, but you have to protect him from those who are by keeping an eye on him!

I take playing out to mean playing in a public place, but you talk if bouncing on ndn's trampoline, so maybe we are at cross purposes

All you can do is to keep your ds away from her as much as you can.

She shouldn’t be playing out without a parent. She is bullying and causing criminal damage and won’t learn not to because she isn’t being looked after. I’m sure she has had a really shit start in life but it isn’t helping her, being allowed to behave like this.

I'm so sorry that you little boy had a seizure, and do hope he is OK now.

I wish you lots of luck with your DH meeting with the girl's father. Hopefully this will lead to more action from them.

I know that stress can exacerbate some people's epilepsy so perhaps it would be helpful to point this out to them. And that it is really rather a serious matter if the girl is deliberately coming round to his house to target him and if that stress is then implicated in his seizures. It is a shame that this level of spelling out is needed (again) if they don't seem to get it on common sense and empathic levels, but sometimes it is.

I am very frustrated with the girl's mother, and father for not doing more and sooner. Perhaps if SS do have to be involved then they might actually be able to access parenting classes and advice on how to better manage their daughter's difficulties and how to work with other parents for the sake of all children but their daughter also.

A family near us has recently had SS involvement at last (nothing to do with me but for the children not being taken to school I think) and I am glad because they boy is no longer seen bullying and displaying violence and vindictiveness towards his younger sister (plus there are other indicators of problems). The mother was not receptive or an engaged parent for whatever reason.

Obviously this boy has difficulties and I feel for his pain, but I also worried for what kind of future he would have if he carried on that way, and for what his little sister goes through. He seems to play with less frustration and anger now, and is not displaying so much anti-social behaviour and I really hope that means he is feeling better in himself and is having help to deal with his emotions. The sister also seems to be happier. Fingers crossed...

It is very sad I think that calling in SS may be either a waste of time due to a lack of resources, or is still seen as shaming. It should be about help to make positive changes, but that does also involve saying a firm NO to undesirable behaviours.

Lots of good luck OP

Way I see it, if the mother’s allowing her to continue to knock at your door and say nasty things through your hedge, she’s allowing you to do the bollocking.

Some kid coming to my door to bully one of my sons would be told to piss off back to their house because I know what they’re up to, not pussyfoot “he’s not available right now”. I’ve known mums step on to school buses to tell off a bully, that girl’s very lucky she’s not picking on one of their kids!

It’s a shame she’s had a horrible time of it, but that’s not your or your son’s problem.

Yes community police officers would get involved if you explain.

What would you suggest she write in her note?
Nobody wants their child labelled as a bully, the girls parents will already know of the girls short comings and no good will come of a letter

A decent parent would prevent a child like those playing out unsupervised, and minimum in sight of their own house. They would also ask the girl to apologise for her behaviour and some way ‘make up’ for it.

She may have her own disabilities, but the parents turn a blind eye - we don’t know.

All OP can do is protect her own.

I hope your boy is ok after his seizure. He sounds like a lovely little chap, I wish you lived in my neighbourhood as my 10yo DD and her friends would all be taking him under their collective wing! I’m sorry that I don’t have any advice on the situation, it’s so tricky because of the girl being adopted but surely her parents shouldn’t be condoning this behaviour adopted or not. You are well within your rights to tell her to go away when she is at your door or openly mocking him.

dana yes crosspurposes, I mean in his friends ' gardens and up and down the street on his bike in sight of us or friends' parents. Occasionally round the block ( it's a circle) with us in our front garden waiting for him coming back - but right now he's under strict instructions not to do this as he would pass her door.

I'm not as wet as you may have presumed, I say he's not available, won't be and to not come back. My DH is often out tinkering with his old cars and is tough with her, constantly saying not to come back, not nastily but firmly. Both my ndn are the same if they see her.

I have not had her approach to apologise for her cruel words, so it seems the parents aren't dealing with it. We'll continue to give the same message. DH will see the father at some point ( prob when I'm not spitting feathers so I don't try to go with him) and I'll be keeping a record in case things get worse. Overall it's shit, but we'll deal with it.

plattercake thoughtful and sensible words, thank you. Thanks everyone.