Need advice and a handhold. My child called ' simple'.

[wildbhoysmama]

More of a WWYD. I'm really upset right now as my poor little boy is vulnerable and I can't bear for him to be bullied.

I've never, ever had words in my whole life with any neighbour but there's been heated words and I'm not sure what to do.

My DS is 7 and has ADHD and autistic traits ( as well as being severely epileptic, so he copes with a lot) but is a fun, funny, kind and positive little guy. He is emotionally and socially around age 5, but in mainstream and we've been told he's very sharp and performing excellently at school ( he loves school, it is a very caring environment for him.). Life is not always easy but we're a v close family ( 2 older DS and close wider family) and me and DH work hard to make sure he's understood and we have a v happy home life.

We live in a lovely neighbourhood with a mix of families and older people, most of whom have been here many years and whilst noone lives in each other's pockets we're all supportive and everyone is pleasant. All the kids play out, including our DS and he has some lovely, wee friends. Unfortunately one child is problematic: they moved in about 3 years ago ( their house backs onto ours) and whilst I don't know them we pass the time of day. Their DD is 10 and just horrible to our DS. She belittles him, manipulates him and, I think, uses him to make herself look good in front of others. She constantly calls in for him and despite being told politely he's not available she continues to call for him sometimes 2/3 times a day (it maybe to do with our trampoline/ climbing wall etc).

We had a horrendous summer last year trying to get DS to understand that they shouldn't speak as they just don't get on. He was the butt of her jokes and she manipulated the others to run away from him etc. It ended up she threw stones at him and smashed our car window the parents were apologetic and paid for the repair.

The last, few weeks with the weather being better she has started calling again. We say not to call again but she keeps doing so. Tonight things came to a head. Pur DS was on his swing and she was whispering insults to him through our high hedge. Our NDN heard it all as she called him 'simple'. Our DS then asked my DH what it meant.

I went round to her door (.never had to before) to Express my upset. Her mother said ' I'll have a word' but very casually as if it was no big deal. When I said it was quite a big deal she got very angry, saying that we had to keep our son away from her DD too. I pointed out that he is not the issue and with his ASN her dd needs to know that he's vulnerable. She exploded- walking up to my face and asking me to leave her garden.
I said it was very ' adult ' and left.

Her dd was adopted 4 years ago and I don't know whether this makes her mother very over-protective, but she must know how awful her dds behaviour is. Both my NDNs call the dd 'vile'- not nice for a child but I hate to say I agree.

I don't know what to do? I can't keep him from playing out. What do I do if this victimisation continues? Do I have grounds to have a chat with social services or is that just way OTT.

Sorry it's long, thanks for listening in advance.

Where have people suggested he not play in his own garden?

Completely agree with everything @Goldmandra has said. I've been both a victim of bullying and I'm an auntie to two adopted nephews who were adopted when they were around the girl's age. Older children aren't adopted without considerable challenges. Many will also suffer from the effects of FAS and issues relating to attachment which manifests itself in various ways as they get older. Nobody has said the girl cannot or should not have consequences for her actions. They are suggesting that coming at the situation from a position of understanding can only aid communication between neighbours. The OP has said that ignoring the girl isn't working, she keeps calling around. So in that situation, something else needs to happen for a positive outcome for the OP, otherwise the problems will continue happening.

So many replies, this subject seems to be very emotive. Thank you for your continued support bumface and greentulip and to those also providing another perspective it is all very helpful.

To the pp who has suggested I was over dramatic, I'd like to see how you feel after a sustained case of bullying on your child for 2 years. Also to those suggesting I keep him in I'm absolutely not going to do.that, he loves being outside and at 7 he's very capable of playing outside his door and at his friends' houses a few doors up. He is not some kind of 'problem' to be kept inside.

How was the mother reasonable to shout and be aggressive, do tell? I don't see her supervising her child or approaching me to hold out an olive branch.

Today things developed a little more. As he was playing in the front garden with his little friend ( me sitting on the bench right in front of them with a cuppa just before dinner time) she was going back and forth on her scooter, intentionally going the 10 metres in front of us over and over. We took no notice. My ds then, unfortunately, felt a little strange and had a seizure on the grass. She stood watching, pointing and laughing and shouted really loudly 'Look at this weirdo going all stiff!'. I firmly asked her to leave us in peace and took ds inside to recover. She is just making this very difficult.

I get that she's distressed inside, I really do, but I will continue to ignore her, my olive branch bears no fruit right now.

Honestly op in that scenario (appreciate you had other priorities) I’d have told her he was not a weirdo and she was being nasty namecalling. I’d also tell her to keep away from my house.

@wildbhoysmama I am so sorry your son was subjected to that today. Personally I would be approaching the parents again, even in writing if face to face is likely to be confrontational.

Outline today's behaviour and how absolutely unacceptable it was. Do it in writing every single time if necessary and keep a copy for yourself.

You might not appreciate it as I understand you have no compassion for her right now. But It means that family has evidence (if they choose to use it) for getting additional support for their daughter and you are making sure that they cannot ignore the effect their child is having on others. I absolutely do not advocate any form of apology. But writing will hopefully be received less aggressively.

It is virtually impossible to prevent children playing together when they are out in the same space. Believe me I've tried 'banning' it before when a particularly unpleasant behaving pair of children homed in on my eldest son. The only way to stop it was for me to sit outside my house supervising my children playing, for mine to play in the tiny garden or to go to the park. Which of course you don't always want to do.

Thank you, both. I think.if I do respond it will definitely be in writing- after being faced up to yesterday I am not willing to be seen as the one to mix things. I'm still very upset by today- my boy is ill and that's all I can focus on. Thanks.

If you were out the front then she was obviously unsupervised and allowed round your street

This in itself suggests the parents aren’t taking things seriously. She’s still coming round. Still being spiteful.

I would keep a diary, and at some point report her behaviour to child care services

Look at this weirdo going all stiff
she called him 'simple'

This is what they call 'hate speech', is it not? This situation needs escalating. This girl could find herself in serious trouble in years to come if nobody tries to challenge and modify her behaviour.

Why are PP diagnosing the bully with 'SEN...brain damage..traumatised...victim of abuse' etc, just because she was adopted 5 years previously? Children are adopted for numerous reasons. Not all adopted children have been abused/had abusive birth parents, or even been under the care system.
This street tyrant child, who will soon be a teenager, is a cruel outright bully and takes pleasure in it. She is hounding this boy on a daily basis, what next? 'stones' (her weapon of choice) through the window when the victim is barricaded in his own house? because it looks like this is where it's heading at the moment
And PP are defending this behaviour with 'but but but...she was adpoted...' !
It seems this situation is seriously escalating now. If I saw or heard it just one time more, I would be round there sharpish and even closer up 'face to face' with the mother, and I wouldn't care who saw it or whose 'property' I was on.

The bully is making this younger child ill

OP is completely correct to focus on her ds and what he needs.
I do want to just reiterate that all adoptions will include trauma. Imagine losing all of your family, friends, school and home. Then having to start from scratch again with everything in your life, starting with basics like the home routines and the food you eat and working up. There is no way that doing this doesn't involve trauma regardless of what led to the adoption.
That isn't to excuse or accept the girl's behavior but it is easier to find solutions when you are clear about the difficulties.

If that was my adopted daughter and she is only 10 I would be more aware of exactly what she was doing. She’s vulnerable so in my book needs closer supervision. A child coming to your door frequently is a nuisance. You repeatedly asked her not to so you had to speak to her mum. Sounds like a guilt reaction on her part.

If it was my daughter, adopted or not, she would be grounded, and grounded for as long as it takes. No going near the windows to taunt the other child either.

Not all adopted children have been abused/had abusive birth parents, or even been under the care system.

Do you have any evidence to back this up or is it just your ill informed opinion? In the UK, the vast majority of adoptions are as a result of children being removed from home following child protection processes. We don’t tend to relinquish babies, besides the girl was 6 when adopted which makes it much more likely she was forcibly removed.

I’m not saying any of that to excuse her behaviour, it’s not ok at all but traditional methods of discipline are very likely to exacerbate and amplify the behaviours - adopted children need a very different approach.

I'd agree not all adopted kids are abused, but when a child is adopted at this age, then at the very least they have lost parents or guardians, been brought up in care, or even neglected.

Whatever causes a child to be adopted at six, it's never ever good.

Children are adopted for numerous reasons. Not all adopted children have been abused/had abusive birth parents, or even been under the care system.

Such ignorance

Still more sympathy for the abuser rather than the abused. It's sickening.

I'd be keeping an eye on them and giving her a thorough telling off if she is nasty to your son. It's bullying by an older child and not just a bit of horseplay between friends. You need to have your son's back on this.

Where @AuntyCJ? I see folk trying to explain why grounding, shouting, repeated telling aren’t likeky to have any impact on the girls behaviour because of her life experiences. I’ve not seen anyone excuse or defend her behaviour as ok or not express concern for the OP but I’ve seen a huge amount of utter ignorance of what adoption means for children and their resultant behaviour.

As has been said repeatedly, if you have some sense of what the behaviour is about, there’s more chance of effecting change.

Well a ten year old wouldn't know that term so it's obviously come from thr mother . I would steer clear from all of them .

My DSis (severely autistic, learning difficulty and other needs) was bullied as a child about 15-20 years ago . Name calling , spat at, bruised, punched, kicked and sexually assaulted .

Police got involved , as did SS - turns out child 1 had his own SEN going on , child 2 had been known to SS before birth due to his own family set up .

Child 1 is now dead (suicide), child 2 is in prison and has been in and out for a long time .

Not unique situation either I remember the ones who bullied at school - when primary school stage - were largely facing horrendous circumstances themselves .

(Secondary was a different ball game unfortunately but I think at a younger age it’s quite often something like that .)

Not easy though , I was horrendously bullied right through school and struggle every single day because of it , so I can fully understand your frustrations . I’ve been on the other side too - social care - so could fully conceed that being brought up in the environment that gets you into their care can make you a very unhappy and angry child indeed .

It does come down to the adults in the situation eg parents , carers , SS, teachers - to protect all children involved . I imagine if things were better managed around my sister and the two lads involved one wouldn’t now be dead at least , if they’d all received appropriate support and looking after .

Dsis is adopted and I know my aunty would be the first to say she’s been given very, very little support to help cousin who has enormous difficulties , it’s the same with other SEN, you’re just sort of left to sink or swim - not enough support for anyone which is why situations come to rise like this .

Op, repeatedly telling the girl to go away isn't working. I'm afraid if you want this situation to stand a chance of changing you're going to have to approach her mother again.

If all other avenues fail then it sounds like the girl's mother may need extra support and so SS might be a different route. Many adoptive parents find that their source of support dries up after adoption has taken place, so in some ways you might be doing her a favour by reporting the girl's behaviour.

As others have said, it doesn't sound like she should be playing out unsupervised - particularly as you've now made her mother aware of the problems and she continues to allow her out without supervision. Definitely a sign that she's not coping with her.

That should say ‘dcousin’ is adopted , not my sister !

Thank god for the rational posters here.

I'm so depressed by this attitude from others about who deserves the most 'sympathy', and the pack mentality raging after 'the bully' and this bloody 'look at me knowing what the words 'victim blaming' mean'. So many falling over themselves to pick a side. People on a forum, with no direct involvement in the situation getting bolshy.

• The OP has posted with a problem.
• It's not straight forward.
• It involves children.
• She's in the middle of it.
• She's struggling and can't take every aspec into consideration to see a clearer way forward.

The idea is that posters here disconnected from the situation help suggest a solution based on ALL the circumstances. Isn't it? Or do we just pick a side and then bray on like a bunch of donkeys about

Hosing the kid?
Building a big bloody fence?
Victim blaming and
calling the police?!

Wonderful. Such sensitive insight. You might as well just go and stick a couple of lines on FB about it OP.

Oh hun, the 10 year old is such a vile bullying bitch and that mum's just a c.u.n.t xxx

aspect