Need advice and a handhold. My child called ' simple'.

[wildbhoysmama]

More of a WWYD. I'm really upset right now as my poor little boy is vulnerable and I can't bear for him to be bullied.

I've never, ever had words in my whole life with any neighbour but there's been heated words and I'm not sure what to do.

My DS is 7 and has ADHD and autistic traits ( as well as being severely epileptic, so he copes with a lot) but is a fun, funny, kind and positive little guy. He is emotionally and socially around age 5, but in mainstream and we've been told he's very sharp and performing excellently at school ( he loves school, it is a very caring environment for him.). Life is not always easy but we're a v close family ( 2 older DS and close wider family) and me and DH work hard to make sure he's understood and we have a v happy home life.

We live in a lovely neighbourhood with a mix of families and older people, most of whom have been here many years and whilst noone lives in each other's pockets we're all supportive and everyone is pleasant. All the kids play out, including our DS and he has some lovely, wee friends. Unfortunately one child is problematic: they moved in about 3 years ago ( their house backs onto ours) and whilst I don't know them we pass the time of day. Their DD is 10 and just horrible to our DS. She belittles him, manipulates him and, I think, uses him to make herself look good in front of others. She constantly calls in for him and despite being told politely he's not available she continues to call for him sometimes 2/3 times a day (it maybe to do with our trampoline/ climbing wall etc).

We had a horrendous summer last year trying to get DS to understand that they shouldn't speak as they just don't get on. He was the butt of her jokes and she manipulated the others to run away from him etc. It ended up she threw stones at him and smashed our car window the parents were apologetic and paid for the repair.

The last, few weeks with the weather being better she has started calling again. We say not to call again but she keeps doing so. Tonight things came to a head. Pur DS was on his swing and she was whispering insults to him through our high hedge. Our NDN heard it all as she called him 'simple'. Our DS then asked my DH what it meant.

I went round to her door (.never had to before) to Express my upset. Her mother said ' I'll have a word' but very casually as if it was no big deal. When I said it was quite a big deal she got very angry, saying that we had to keep our son away from her DD too. I pointed out that he is not the issue and with his ASN her dd needs to know that he's vulnerable. She exploded- walking up to my face and asking me to leave her garden.
I said it was very ' adult ' and left.

Her dd was adopted 4 years ago and I don't know whether this makes her mother very over-protective, but she must know how awful her dds behaviour is. Both my NDNs call the dd 'vile'- not nice for a child but I hate to say I agree.

I don't know what to do? I can't keep him from playing out. What do I do if this victimisation continues? Do I have grounds to have a chat with social services or is that just way OTT.

Sorry it's long, thanks for listening in advance.

So many people on here assuming that because the girl has been adopted she has suffered terrible trauma, meaning she is free to treat other children like crap without consequences, but we really have NO idea what happened to her before her adoption and speculatingnis pointless. Meanwhile the younger child is being traumatised right now by the bullying and his mother is being told “be kind” and send a card to the bully’s mother! FGS. BULLYING is traumatising! It’s effects can last for years. And I would guess that it is more than the word “simple”, which understandably hit a nerve for the OP, that this is sustained bullying and most of it is going on unseen by the adults. He shouldn’t have to be afraid to play in his own garden, let alone play out in a place where the majority of other children play well.

I really don’t understand why people excuse bullying so much and play it down. It is traumatising. It’s serious and it can and should be stopped, not ignored and allowed because the bully is presumed to be having a bad time, because they will just continue to bully all their lives. I understand that happy people don’t bully others, but it is not the victims responsibility to sort their problems out.

Thanks, I'm teacher - I find that difficult to believe. But if you are, I wouldnt want you teaching my children.

Children can be mean at times but it's down to adults to protect them and give them the means to deal with situations.

Please don't get the older siblings to do the supervising, it's not fair to place the responsibility on them. They are children themselves and should be free from adult responsibilities.

Yes she does sound vile. When she keeps calling out to him go right up to her and tell her to get out and he doesnt want to have anything to do with you because you are not a nice child. Seriously , she sounds awful and if her parents dont want to do anything you need to protect your son even if you are the bad one.

I don't think anyone is excusing the bullying, just saying that sometimes there are underlying reasons for behaviour which children don't have the maturity to understand and adults need to help them navigate. It's an utter minefield. And having 2 children with additional needs - whether we know there are diagnosed needs or not, adoption is considered an additional need, you only have to look at school applications processes to see it places looked after children as a high priority. At least initially this would be the case but I know locally once the adoption has taken place and everything is signed off, families are often left to their own devices with little to no support for the trauma being moved around can cause.

Compare that to a child who has diagnosed additional needs, is under the care of the school senco, family and friends understand that X might react like this because of the needs, because they don't yet have the capacity to understand and so on.

My youngest Sen child can be the most vindictive and manipulative child as part of her Sen. Her older brother, same diagnosis, reacts completely differently to an identical situation. He can be the most kindhearted and loving child until he feels threatened.

This isn't just a straightforward case of bullying by someone who fully understands the impact of their actions.

Some very unpleasant, victim-blaming posts on here. Unfortunately, I have a feeling if it were the other way around and we were talking about a younger girl and an older boy some of the responses would be very different...

SinisterBumFacedCat, I would say it's a pretty safe bet as social services don't make 6 year old children available for adoption without abuse or neglect.

plainspeaking what a dreadful comment, the usual AIBU bitchiness in play. Go away and make someone else feel bad because I'm not rising.

Definitely over and out this time. A final thanks to everyone with constructive and helpful comments

Ah no Victim blaming from me . None OP

Your son is your priority and rightly so

All I am trying to say is shifting the thinking from ‘bad’ to ‘damaged’ can help
(Sometimes )

Sorry OP , it’s really shit when your child is hurt . I have had my DS in tears quite a few times Over far less hostile behaviour

Agree MissDolly. Op dont feel bad for standing up for your son. He needs you to protect him. This girl is a bully, and shes vindictive.

Unfortunately, I have a feeling if it were the other way around and we were talking about a younger girl and an older boy some of the responses would be very different...

I was just thinking the exact same thing.

So many people on here assuming that because the girl has been adopted she has suffered terrible trauma, meaning she is free to treat other children like crap without consequences

Please point me to the posts that say this.

Here’s one Grandma:

Her mother is undoing years of damage being placed in foster care &/or the damage a previously abusive/dysfunctional home life ahs caused.

From page one of the thread.

meaning she is free to treat other children like crap without consequences

Where does that poster say this^?

So many people on here assuming that because the girl has been adopted she has suffered terrible trauma,

So, you’ve been living with your birth family who for whatever reason are struggling enough for you to be removed for your own safety. You’re sent to live with a new family that you don’t know, with new rules, sights, smells and sounds. And you may see your birth family again, or maybe not - or more likely you get bounced between your foster family and birth family before someone finally decides that you can never go back to the people you call family. Then, someone else comes along, takes you to a new home, gives you at very least a new surname, tells you to call them mum and dad, another set of new rules and new people. You have no contact with anyone you’ve known before - at 6 you lose every single relationship you’ve ever known, good and bad. And you’re expected to cope and behave nicely and be able to learn at school.

It doesn’t remotely matter what happened before adoption, adoption itself represents a massive trauma, particularly to older children (and 6 is old for adoption).

So many people have no first clue about the experience of children who are adopted. But let’s turn the hose on her

jellycatspyjamas

That doesn’t mean we allow her to treat a young boy badly. For his self esteem and mental health, it’s best the girl is avoided.

The parents of the girl need to help her socially, which shouldn’t be to the detriment of other children

That doesn’t mean we allow her to treat a young boy badly.

I haven't noticed anyone suggesting that the child should be allowed to continue to treat the OP's son badly.

Posters have suggested the Op send an apologetic note or card to the neighbour. That the girls behaviour is understandable because she is adopted and that’s a valid excuse for being a bully. I can completely understand adoption is traumatising, but if this continues to be excused you are forgetting that bullying is traumatising, especially because others are so reluctant. I was bullied by my next door neighbour for years, she went to the same school, I had no escape at home or school. I ended up changing schools and that gave me a bit of a rest. I still work hard to stop thinking everyone hates me now because of how she made me feel back then. Trauma due to bullying is often minimised and I wish it wasn’t, because if bullies understood the consequences they might consider stopping.

If this girl is traumatized she needs specialist help. It's not going to be fixed by some well meaning neighbors and some children told to "be kind" is it?

SinisterBumFacedCat, building bridges with the child's mother so they can manage this difficult situation together isn't minimising the child's behaviour or saying she should be free to treat other children badly without consequences.

We can understand that a child may have challenges and that a parent may have a very difficult job to do and still agree the child's behaviour isn't acceptable.

That doesn’t mean we allow her to treat a young boy badly. For his self esteem and mental health, it’s best the girl is avoided.

Where did I say she should be allowed to treat him badly? Both parents need to deal with their respective parenting challenges, the OP may need to be more proactive in keeping her son away because the girl in question may really struggle to understand why she’s not welcome - she won’t necessarily have the same understanding of her behaviour or the means to control herself in the way most 10 year olds do.

Her early trauma is absolutely relevant in the strategies her mum uses to parent her and in the steps the OP takes to help her son avoid her. The language used to describe the child and her challenges has been pretty appalling, the assumption that she has control over her feelings and behaviour is ridiculous when that simply isn’t likely to be the case. Because of her experiences.

I think you're being a bit... Not dramatic, as I'd be upset too, but you've blown it a bit out of proportion. If your son is vulnerable as you say then I agree that he shouldn't be "playing out" unsupervised. You can ignore the door when the girl knocks, or simply tell her that he won't be playing with her again so please don't call again. When you said someone called your son "simple" I thought you meant an adult, which would be really upsetting. But a probably vulnerable ten year old girl? Kids are mean. it's horrible but don't you think talking to social services would be a huge overreaction? Not that they'd deal with this anyway, but if they would .. what are you hoping for? That she'd get taken back into care or her mum (who behaved completely reasonably in my opinion) would get into trouble or something? I think you can't simultaneously be a protective and a relaxed parent. If you want to protect your child from every mean word spoken by other children then don't get him play out alone. I think at 7 he's a bit too young for this anyway and wouldn't suffer - surely playdates or clubs would be more constructive and safe environments for him. OR if you're going to let him play out in the streets with loads of children, many older, than you have to accept that sometimes kids might be unkind to him, and there's not much their parents are going to do about an unkind word other than speak to their child about it (which the other mother offered to do). Also, please don't contact the police like a PP suggested. Ludicrous suggestion, waste of police time, and they'd not in a million years go round and shout at the little girl! (Also in response to that PP, the other mother wasn't "abusive", she said politely that she would have a word and then asked the OP to leave her property. Please don't throw around the word "abusive" when you mean "a person didn't react exactly as I wanted them to." It's insulting to people who have actually dealt with abuse.)

so the Op's child can't play in his own garden?

WOW

Really upsetting to hear how intolerant and selfish some posters here are. Talk about black and white thinking! Absolutely no tolerance of anyone who has the slightest different sort of difficulty to yours.

Barbie222 you are so right. awful that people are suggesting that the not play in his own garden