Need advice and a handhold. My child called ' simple'.

[wildbhoysmama]

More of a WWYD. I'm really upset right now as my poor little boy is vulnerable and I can't bear for him to be bullied.

I've never, ever had words in my whole life with any neighbour but there's been heated words and I'm not sure what to do.

My DS is 7 and has ADHD and autistic traits ( as well as being severely epileptic, so he copes with a lot) but is a fun, funny, kind and positive little guy. He is emotionally and socially around age 5, but in mainstream and we've been told he's very sharp and performing excellently at school ( he loves school, it is a very caring environment for him.). Life is not always easy but we're a v close family ( 2 older DS and close wider family) and me and DH work hard to make sure he's understood and we have a v happy home life.

We live in a lovely neighbourhood with a mix of families and older people, most of whom have been here many years and whilst noone lives in each other's pockets we're all supportive and everyone is pleasant. All the kids play out, including our DS and he has some lovely, wee friends. Unfortunately one child is problematic: they moved in about 3 years ago ( their house backs onto ours) and whilst I don't know them we pass the time of day. Their DD is 10 and just horrible to our DS. She belittles him, manipulates him and, I think, uses him to make herself look good in front of others. She constantly calls in for him and despite being told politely he's not available she continues to call for him sometimes 2/3 times a day (it maybe to do with our trampoline/ climbing wall etc).

We had a horrendous summer last year trying to get DS to understand that they shouldn't speak as they just don't get on. He was the butt of her jokes and she manipulated the others to run away from him etc. It ended up she threw stones at him and smashed our car window the parents were apologetic and paid for the repair.

The last, few weeks with the weather being better she has started calling again. We say not to call again but she keeps doing so. Tonight things came to a head. Pur DS was on his swing and she was whispering insults to him through our high hedge. Our NDN heard it all as she called him 'simple'. Our DS then asked my DH what it meant.

I went round to her door (.never had to before) to Express my upset. Her mother said ' I'll have a word' but very casually as if it was no big deal. When I said it was quite a big deal she got very angry, saying that we had to keep our son away from her DD too. I pointed out that he is not the issue and with his ASN her dd needs to know that he's vulnerable. She exploded- walking up to my face and asking me to leave her garden.
I said it was very ' adult ' and left.

Her dd was adopted 4 years ago and I don't know whether this makes her mother very over-protective, but she must know how awful her dds behaviour is. Both my NDNs call the dd 'vile'- not nice for a child but I hate to say I agree.

I don't know what to do? I can't keep him from playing out. What do I do if this victimisation continues? Do I have grounds to have a chat with social services or is that just way OTT.

Sorry it's long, thanks for listening in advance.

Your ds sounds very lucky and privileged to usually be surrounded by caring and supportive family and friends.

If this is the only problem in his life I would leave it and not address it with the mum again.

The little girl and her family sound like they have deeper issues and the mum sounds stressed. But the fact that they paid for the broken window shows that they are trying their best and they care!

Just supervise as much as you can and mitigate any teasing as proactively and positively as you can. And I would allow him to play out but only fully supervised as he is too vulnerable otherwise.

@AvengersAssemble

Behave? What an odd thing to say.

I really wish people would stop minimising this type of bullying. It's clearly sustained and highly abusive. If the ages were ten years older, you'd all be saying call the police etc. A young,vulnerable child is being abused by an older child - who does and should know better. OP, quote rightfully wa ta to protect her DS. A report to police or social services could lead to a timely intervention which prevents this escalating.

OP you really don’t need to take this other child’s history into consideration, more than you already have. Your priority is the wellbeing of your ds. This girl knows that he is vulnerable and has been seeking him out to bully him for an extended period.

Carry on telling her to go away when she comes to the door, supervise (from a comfortable distance) any outdoor play and absolutely report any further incidents.

This is no different to her calling him the ‘R’ word. It’s an ableist slur and completely unacceptable.

Agree @PinkyU

And so now there are posters victim blaming!

Yes, of course the disabled victim of sustained bullying should just ignore name calling because the poor bully may be having a difficult time!? Unbelievable!!

Thanks for all your advice. Much to think about. I know how hard her life will have been previously and that's what's so difficult and why I've tried to deal with it differently up until now.

Thank you for all your kind posts. I get that he needs to fight his own battles ( he's not a quiet, wee thing at all, he'll be the first to push back if someone is physical with him) but i think dealing with words is much harder for him. baileys we do quite a bit of this already but need to do more as he gets older.

Oh and it the PP/ troll who questioned the size of stone to smash a windscreen, it was a whole bunch of stones and one must have hit at the right angle. She has form for stone throwing, another car was also damaged before.

Tough situation OP. I would be really vigilant with them. I wouldn't want her ever having unsupervised access to my DS. She is a damaged child (who is hopefully now in a loving environment where she will get the help she needs) but I would see her as an actual risk to him. Please don't let her near him. Especially the whispering in his ear and manipulating him. Gives me chills and makes me think of some awful stories.

A vulnerable young child is being bullied by a somewhat older vulnerable child. Both sets of parents want to protect their own vulnerable child. Both sets of parents want to give their own vulnerable child the best opportunities they can despite being dealt a bad hand. In your shoes I would be very upset. But I'd also be very upset to be the other parent.

This other mother has it harder because her daughter looks “normal” but I’m sure the mum is terrified of how she will turn out
You have it hard too and my sympathies are with you but your family sounds lovely and your son for the most part totally unaware of her nastiness .
You are both mums of emotionally draining children she is still bonding with hers following (possibly) infertility and the adoption process ... can you not write her a note with a bunch of flowers acknowledging all the above and saying how Sen mums need to support each other not tip each other down

You have two vulnerable DC here. I might try looking at what strategy why want to have, no contact between DC, supervised contact only, or some other arrangement ?
Having though about what you want to happen I go round to the other mum and ask if you can sit down with a cup of tea and try and work out what to do together so that it works for both your DC.
It would be natural if you were both a little over protective of your DC given their life experiences to date but you sound reasonable and hopefully she will be as well.

An interesting perspective pinkyU I didn't really think of it as victim blaming but i see that it could be seen as this.

I feel as protective of him as I did of my other DSs but, perhaps, a little more as he is indeed special to us. Nutmegan you have made an excellent point, he is a very happy child and has a great school and family life. I think i'll disengage completely and just keep him away from her/ stonewall any attempts from her at our door. I/ DH/ DSs will also be even more vigilant when he's outdoors.

Thank you all for your insight.

Sen mums need to support each

we haven’t established that the girl has any additional needs, surely? He mum would quite likely be massively insulted at this!

Reporting to police or SS is ridiculous. If it's that much of a problem then you take steps to protect him even if that means keeping him in, or at the very least with extensive supervision. Presumably with his severe epilepsy you'd need him to be closely supervised by someone who knows how to deal with him fitting anyway? You're choosing him for him to be out there playing. There are loads of positives to that, but one of the consequences is you can't curate the company he keeps as much as you'd like.

I think this whole thing has been very triggering for both you and probably the other parent. My son's been called stupid and weird (he's autistic) and it brings out my mother hen like nothing else. Find a way to defuse the words - naff as you like, even "simply amazing". Even if this girl's mum has words about this incident there will be others.

Perhaps you need to be more direct and tell the child not to call round again and your son will not be playing out with her. A clear message.

nofunking one of MY frustrations is that ds looks ' normal' / neurotypical and people don't make allowances at all for him acting younger or shouting out or being socially a bit different ( e.g he likes to sniff people or want to hug if he likes you).

Like PPs have said I don't think she has SEN, the mother has had lots of opportunity to share this, especially when I first met her and explained about DS.

mysecondbest I like your thinking, thank you.

Whatever problems or vulnerability the older child had in this situation, her parents should not have allowed her to continue to call on the OP's child when she was not welcome and had previously broken a window. If the girl's parents had properly supervised her this latest crisis would not have occurred.

obviously as of this evening I've done this, telling her mother to keep her away from ds and reiterate the message I'm giving that she should not call at ours.

We have a large, high hedge but she taunts him through it. I can't/ shouldn't have to supervise ds in his own back garden constantly.

His epilepsy is under control with medications these days ( he's has the very odd one but the other kids/ his brothers are fantastic at recognising if he's gone a bit strange/ quiet and shout me/dh).

Not an excuse though. If she has been in care, might be worth contacting social services as she likely has a key worker contact there

Nope.

Op please distance your self from the girls problems..
You need to concentrate on your son.
Do not engage with this
Girl when she calls at your house, tell her to go away.
Be firm,, she is not your problem, she is your sons bully.

Like PPs have said I don't think she has SEN, the mother has had lots of opportunity to share this, especially when I first met her and explained about DS.

If she’s adopted, she will almost definitively have special needs of some description, that the mother may choose not to share with people due to a. Confidentiality and b. a huge lack of understanding around the affects of abuse and neglect.

OP, the mother may be casual but that doesn’t mean she didn’t take it seriously. She will be well aware how awful her child’s behaviour is and probably feels very powerless to stop it. No, you shouldn’t have to supervise your DS in his back garden constantly, but equally, she is allowed a few minutes whereby she doesn’t have to supervise her DD

Difficult all round and you have my sympathy.

Bisset, language about the girl's mother being "allowed" time when she isn't supervising her is not helpful. If she is going around taunting other children and damaging property she cannot be unsupervised, both for her safety and that of other people. It is very sad and very difficult, but many children sadly have needs which mean that their parents cannot leave them unsupervised.

Teportig to SS or the Police? Seriously? They’d laugh you out of there.
I can understand your frustration, but you told the parent, she said she would have a word. It was you who escalated it, just because she sounded casual doesn’t mean she wasn’t going to tell the child.

*reporting obviously 🙈

Oooh, it does change everything that the neighbour has been adopted.

Although your son has challenges, he's obviously had a safe and loving home to grow up in. The poor girl who didn't have stability until recently.
I would be inclined to explain why she is so nasty. Perhaps some kindness to her is in order as well.
( ps- doesn't mean that he should play with her, or that the behaviour shouldn't go unchallenged)