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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to tell her he's cheated?

604 replies

NotReadyForThisX2 · 10/04/2019 19:10

Me and Dp have a couple friend who are due to get married. Dp wasn't on the stag do but heard from others that the groom to be cheated on his fiancé. He's spoke to him and he admitted he had.

Dp has told me in confidence and thinks we should stay out of it, that his friend is really sorry and not usually that type of man, blah blah blah....
But I'm friends with the fiancé and if it was me I'd definitely want to know before I married him.

Dp thinks what we tell each other should stay between us and that I'd be unreasonable to say something and get his friend in trouble and in the process damage their friendship.
I think if he didn't want me to say anything he shouldn't have told me at all. Where as Dp said he'd see that as keeping secrets from me and wouldn't want to have to do that.

We ended up having a argument about it and he basically said it wasn't anything to do with me and he'd be really angry if I say something to her.

OP posts:
KarmaStar · 10/04/2019 21:46

Vow not how.sorry

ALittleBitofVitriol · 10/04/2019 21:48

I think your dp is being really unfair here.

Your dp is deciding for the bride what she has to accept in her relationship.

Your dp is deciding for you what your moral boundaries are.

Your dp is happy to unload this drama on you but you're not allowed your own perspective on how it should be handled.

Your dp has decided that the groom is sorry and it's out of character so therefore everyone else has to agree.

Fuck your dp being angry with you, I'd be furious with him! Obviously it's not out of character for the groom, in the 'right' circumstances his character allowed him to do it! Who says he won't make another 'mistake' if the circumstance permits?
A man for whom cheating was actually out of character would a. Not get so plastered drunk he couldn't control himself, b. Get drunk in an environment where there was options for sex, c. Do it again when sober!

Your dp should encourage the groom to have enough character to be honest with his wife to be. The groom fucked up and is allowing his partner to be publicly humiliated and put at risk from stds because he's a feckless coward.

Shoxfordian · 10/04/2019 21:50

You should tell her because she deserves to have the truth. Your partner has shown his lack of integrity by trying to stop you.

YemenRoadYemen · 10/04/2019 21:50

This is what this sort of thing is so unbelievably shitty.

It's a lose-lose situation, and not just the core relationship, but other friendships are also tainted to a greater or lesser extent.

By all means follow Bluntness's advice, and keep her in the dark. Even though everyone else knows, and it risks coming out in the future, thereby tainting the friendship further down the line.

Likewise if you do tell her now, even though it at least gives her the truth and options of her own (not just being his decision to decide unilaterally that it was a mistake not worth upsetting the apple cart for 🙄), it still won't go well.

What an absolute tool - 'it didn't mean anything', but it changes everything.

Han2029 · 10/04/2019 21:50

I would say 100% that you need to tell her.
I have been in this situation where a few of my friends knew and nobody told me until I found out months later, I was so upset that everybody knew and didn't tell me, it just makes you feel so ashamed when you have nothing to feel ashamed about.

Your friend may be able to forgive him and they could get married anyway, but if she finds out further down the line once they're married that could be a different story as it was kept a secret. You also mentioned that she wants to try for a baby once they're married, that then adds kids in to the equation.

It's not a nice situation for you at all but you've said that you're sure your DP wouldn't leave you if you told her so I would definitely say tell her as she deserves to know and you are her friend, imagine it was you and your DP and your friend was debating whether to tell you or not.
I would definitely say tell your DP before you tell her but make sure to make it clear you are telling her and just giving him a heads up.

Ratatatouille · 10/04/2019 21:51

he believes his friend is truly sorry and it won't happen again

But she could be like you and I, OP, and one time is enough for her to call it a day. That’s what I was getting at with the thing about other people deciding her boundaries for her. What your DP is saying here is that she should forgive a one-off because the important thing is that he won’t do it again, but that’s not his call to make.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 10/04/2019 21:55

Agree with Ratatatouille. It's her call to make, no one else's. She deserves to know the truth about her life, not to be the only person kept in the dark.

naynaybiscuit · 10/04/2019 22:03

@Ratatatouille has nailed it. Everyone is making the choice for this poor woman.

I'm sorry but I really struggle to understand how someone is too drunk to know what they are doing yet still manage to have sex a couple of times. Hmm no of course you didn't want to have your cake and eat it....

polkadotpixie · 10/04/2019 22:12

I think you have to tell her

My ex DP cheated on me with 2 of our colleagues (we worked together) and everyone knew except me.

I was more upset that no-one told me than I was by the cheating itself. I felt very betrayed by my friends

LettuceLeave · 10/04/2019 22:22

Tell her.

HappyintheHills · 10/04/2019 22:43

Could your DP persuade his friend to do the right thing and tell her himself!

Neverender · 10/04/2019 22:50

Get him to tell her himself. Make it clear that you knew and supported this course of action. If he's not a scumbag he'll come clean and also free you from the burden of knowing. ASAP.

If not id tell her - i would want to know and would feel like a total twat for getting married and not knowing. And wouldn't trust any of you ever again. That would be terrible.

fourcanaries · 10/04/2019 22:57

It's all hearsay. There's no proof and he will deny it so I'd keep out.

theotherblonde · 10/04/2019 22:59

I was in a similar position recently OP!

My friend had cheated numerous times (call it an affair) on her husband. I found out after the fact when her husband had already found out and when everything went crazy between them. Her husband left her, stopped talking to her and eventually moved out and moved far away.

However, my friend was still seeing this guy the whole time up and until recently! (as far as I know). So one night a couple of months ago, the husband messages me and asks so many questions about his wife and whether she is still seeing the other man. I knew deep down from a previous conversation the previous weekend that she had been seeing him non-stop but that it had ended by that weekend she spilled all this out to me.

A big part of me wanted to tell him everything as I felt she wanted to sway her husband back to him regardless of much she kept disrespecting him and their marriage. I was furious that she kept making the same mistake and even though her husband had left, she was adamant that she wanted a second chance and she wanted her husband back. I couldn't see how she wanted her husband when she was sleeping with someone else?

Anyways I did not tell her husband any of it! As far as he thinks it was a one time thing when in actual fact it was more like a 50 time thing! I didn't want him to get more upset by everything and I felt he deserved the truth but my loyalty had to be with my friend. Even though she kept making mistakes which I disagree with, I could not tell him any of this.

My point is that this information came second hand from your husband. You did not find out yourself, you found out because your husband did. I think your loyalty should be to your husband and protecting the privacy of what he confides in you. I agree that your husband should encourage him to come clean but its always best that she hears the confession from him rather than an outside party. The future of their relationship and her being able to forgive him (if possible) comes down whether he tells her or you do!

I hate to admit this but I once cheated on my then boyfriend (before we were married). It was a one-night thing with an ex that I was still in love with and weeks after the event I was feeling really guilty. So I told my boyfriend the truth and as much as he was really upset, he eventually forgave me because I had told him myself. He always said that hearing such information from a third party would have ended us completely forever.

So yeah encouraging the partner to be honest himself is the best move.

Original poster
NotReadyForThisX2 · 10/04/2019 23:13

Dp said he'll speak to him and encourage him to tell her. If he won't then I've said I'll leave it up to Dp to say something or not, but I won't be friends with them and I won't go on the hen do or to the wedding. I can't just happily socialise with them as a couple knowing what I know.
That's on Dp for telling me the details, so he can explain my absence from events, meet ups etc.

OP posts:
YemenRoadYemen · 10/04/2019 23:26

Good for you NotReady.

I hope it was worth it for him.

Eliza9919 · 10/04/2019 23:37

Could you send her something anonymously, that plants a seed of suspicion so she can dig and find out herself?

Personally, I'd just tell her.

TriciaH87 · 10/04/2019 23:48

Point out to your partner if you were about to get married and commit to each other that you will remain faithful to one another would he rather find out you cheated before hand or years later. What if this guy has picked up an sti or the other person turns up in 9 months holding a baby. She would be utterly devestated and finding out you all knew would make it worse.

trexismyfriend · 10/04/2019 23:57

Just do it anonymously?

CupcakeDrama · 11/04/2019 00:02

No way would I get involved. I never get why other peoples business bothers people so much. Stay out of it!

ahtellthee · 11/04/2019 00:06

For goodness sake, do not send an anonymous message. That is insanely cruel.

Either tell her or don't, but own your actions, rather than playing games.

MashedSpud · 11/04/2019 00:24

Urgh, how grim. I feel so sorry for her.

She either doesn’t know, goes ahead and marries the cheat while all his WhatsApp predatory friends snigger about it. She could have an sti, the person he cheated with could be pregnant and she’s pictured in the WhatsApp group. He probably will cheat again.

Or she finds out, makes her decision whether to marry him or not. Gets checked for sti’s rather than risk her fertility, hopefully moves on and meets someone who’s not a lying, disrespectful twat.

Siameasy · 11/04/2019 01:32

I would stay out of it - your DP put you in an awful position telling you.

dontgobaconmyheart · 11/04/2019 01:33

I would tell her yes. If your going to fall out with them anyway by never socialising again or going to the wedding what's to be gained from not Confused. I thought the reason people ultimately don't tell in these situations is they don't want their social circle to suffer for themselves personally as a result of something someone else did.

I'd have limited interest in being friends with a cheater who would treat a woman this way and make a fool of her anyway and would think less of my DP if he didn't agree. What a horrible self serving boys club mentality. That is this poor woman's life and very likely bloody health assuming they are sexually active. I will never get why the hush hush because I'll end up less popular mentality always trumps concern for another person over something much more severe. I would expect my DP to tell her that he had personally heard him admit to it if he wouldn't tell her himself. Not sure why the onus falls on you when he's the one who found out and heard it from the horses mouth.

It's a nasty business of course it is OP but collaborating in a lie that risks someone health and takes away their autonomy for someone who is a cheat and a liar is a no brainer for me.

Willyoujustbequiet · 11/04/2019 02:03

100% tell her.

The poor woman and potential baby is at risk of an sti. Her marriage and future life will be based on a lie. I never understand these cowards that say keep quiet.

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