AIBU to tell her he's cheated?

[NotReadyForThisX2]

Me and Dp have a couple friend who are due to get married. Dp wasn't on the stag do but heard from others that the groom to be cheated on his fiancé. He's spoke to him and he admitted he had.

Dp has told me in confidence and thinks we should stay out of it, that his friend is really sorry and not usually that type of man, blah blah blah....
But I'm friends with the fiancé and if it was me I'd definitely want to know before I married him.

Dp thinks what we tell each other should stay between us and that I'd be unreasonable to say something and get his friend in trouble and in the process damage their friendship.
I think if he didn't want me to say anything he shouldn't have told me at all. Where as Dp said he'd see that as keeping secrets from me and wouldn't want to have to do that.

We ended up having a argument about it and he basically said it wasn't anything to do with me and he'd be really angry if I say something to her.

Well, if it is then at least she's going into it with her eyes open.

You and your DP did the right thing, absolutely!

Very interesting - thank you for updating

Yes, thanks for the update OP. So many posters don't.

I’d stay out of it. Sounds like a drunken snog. Not worth the backlash of telling the fiancé

At least he told her, and it isn't going to be one of those 'secrets' everyone knows about that will come out later.

He may very well be totally ashamed of his behaviour and it might be out of character for him. It's one of the reasons that these drunken stag or hen do's aren't a good idea.

If (IF) my DH had cheated before we were married, and then found out afterwards, I'd feel like the biggest fool.in the world. And probably feel very strongly about people who knew but didn't tell me. I'd want to know.

I know I always wonder if I've read something and there's no update @MrsGrannyWeatherwax and @DeadWife. I did end up mentioning to my friend I'd posted on here and she was fine about it and understood I'd been struggling with what to do.
I do think he's feeling very ashamed and it's really not like him. I still wouldn't personally forgive him but everyone is different and I support her decision.
She said I had to put that he hasn't got off lightly though and going ahead with the wedding isn't about him being totally forgiven and it all being forgotten. She said she doesn't want Mum net thinking she's soft.

NotReady, thanks for the update. I hope she realises the only person she has to answer to, is herself at the end of the day. If its something that she feels is going to come up again and again during arguments or is going to cause her to worry if he is late home etc, she might be best off to put the wedding on hold for now.

I have forgotten some of the detail, but I would have hoped his mates would have looked out for him a bit too if he was so drunk.

I taught our Daughter to watch out for her mates if they went out and one of the group met someone new if they had been drinking. I would have taught a Son the same, got to look out for your mates when they have downed a few.

Good luck to your friend!

It was just a drunken snog on his stag? So much drama and you getting involved in other people’s business. A snog on a stag do I’d completely ignore, there’s really nothing to get stressed over. Sleeping with someone else ok that is different, although I’d still keep out of it.

parma
Perhaps RTFT

@NotReadyForThisX2

Oh, bless her, haha. What a sweetheart.

I hope her fiance knows just how fortunate he is to have been given a second chance after his disgraceful behaviour.

And that he spends the rest of his life proving that his behaviour was an abbheration as well as investing a great deal of effort into showing her just how valued and respected she is.

Why can people not READ THE FUCKING THREAD
Are you too important to RTFT?
PARMA it wasn’t a drunken snog but it was a fuck and a blow job without protection

Glad how it’s turned out for you notreadyforthis
You should never have been put in such a shit position

Why do people come steam rolling in when they haven’t read the thread???? Yes Parma I’m talking about you 👉🏽

It was his work friends @expat101. He was very drunk there's a video from earlier in the night and he looked very drunk.
The work friends are no longer invited to the wedding.

I think you should stay out of it TBH .As far as messengers go they often get shot!.It may even be that it was just a drunken snog and too much drink was consumed!.Even if you make a fake post online as some have suggested on here ,it may well come back to you ,these things often do .Leave well alone would be the best option for you I think.

And yet more people come with opinions that clearly haven’t read the full thread.

Parma & Dottie - things have moved on a bit and it was established many pages ago that it was sex and a blow job and not just a snog. The guys OH also knows now because he told her himself. Which you’d have found out had you bothered to read the OP’s updates.

Honestly people. Read before contributing. It’s not hard!

Ha just seen your latest update! I don’t think forgiving is usually a soft option tbf as it’s extremely difficult

Tell her good luck with the future and to try enjoy the day despite his behaviour!

I will @MrsGrannyWeatherwax. I agree too, forgiving is the harder thing to do, I couldn't do it.

To those posters who said stay out of it and it wasn't my business. I spoke to my friend after it's all come out and she was suspicious and questioning him and herself. I'm very glad he was the one to tell her and so is she. But if he hadn't I'd hate to think of her always having that little niggle/doubt that something might have happened and her never knowing.
So if I'm ever in the same position in the future I'd say something.
Although me and Dp have agreed that if we know something that could cause conflict for us, like in this situation then we don't share it with each other. It remains to be seen if Dp can actually stick to it though

Did you ask your friend if she would have wanted you to tell her if he hadn't? Or does she not know you knew before she did?(Sorry if already mentioned and I've forgotten)

Yes I did @RainbowFox and she said yes, she'd have wanted to be told. She was suspicious anyway and she wasn't keen on the new work friends either.

Did they get married in the end?

Put it to him another way.... If on your hen do you cheated on him how would he feel if his friend knew and let the wedding go ahead? I would guess betrayed by all involved. Plus if it comes out later that's a divorce which could get messy.

Absolutely crazy how women on here would rather live in complete ignorance to their partner cheating???

Like youd rather he get his ya yas and not know ???

Tell her anonimously... I would be thankful if someone told me by soon to be husband shagged someone else. So I Could call my wedding off