AIBU to tell her he's cheated?

[NotReadyForThisX2]

Me and Dp have a couple friend who are due to get married. Dp wasn't on the stag do but heard from others that the groom to be cheated on his fiancé. He's spoke to him and he admitted he had.

Dp has told me in confidence and thinks we should stay out of it, that his friend is really sorry and not usually that type of man, blah blah blah....
But I'm friends with the fiancé and if it was me I'd definitely want to know before I married him.

Dp thinks what we tell each other should stay between us and that I'd be unreasonable to say something and get his friend in trouble and in the process damage their friendship.
I think if he didn't want me to say anything he shouldn't have told me at all. Where as Dp said he'd see that as keeping secrets from me and wouldn't want to have to do that.

We ended up having a argument about it and he basically said it wasn't anything to do with me and he'd be really angry if I say something to her.

I'd tell her. If it was done to me I'd want to be told and I'd be furious with a friend of any capacity who knew this but let me marry him anyway!

No @Bluntness100. He met her in a club he was drunk and she went back with him. They had sex. Then the next morning she did something for him, he wasn't drunk then and he told my Dp because he said he feels worse about that as he was sober but she started and he didn't stop her.

He said he knows he used a condom the first time but they stopped (because he was drunk) and then started again a bit later but same night and he doesn't think he did that time.

It’s a friend, so I would definitely tell, in person.

Your DP was U for putting you in this position and would be VU to dump you for telling.

I was cheated on and others knew about it, when I eventually found out I was devastated by what my then partner had done and felt so foolish that others knew and said nothing, I felt everyone we knew must have been laughing about how stupid and trusting I was.

You have two problems here OP, firstly will you be able to stomach not telling her as your DP wants, and go and be in the wedding photos smiling knowing what the groom has done?
Secondly does this change how you view your DP and his view of infidelity, this "what she doesn't know won't hurt her" attitude. From experience my then partner had no problem regaling me with stories of how his work mates were cheating, all the shenanigans that went on at work parties, I should have being paying closer attention as it told me what he thought of infidelity and those who cheat, I paid attention too late to that. Just something to think about.

As I tell the teenagers I teach penetrative sex is not the only way you catch and STI. Condoms only protect properly if used correctly.

Any sexual contact, even with a condom is a risk. Without a condom it is dangerous.

If the 17 year olds I teach can grasp this why can't the adults on this thread realise this excuse for a man has put the health of the woman he, apparently, loves at risk?

DH and I also have BFFs who are a couple. They also have a troubled marriage.

DH and I had to sit down and discuss 'spousal confidence' vs 'responsibility to friends' as far as what we tell each other about our friends. We agree that infidelity and severely endangering family finances are things that we'd break 'spousal confidence' about and tell our BFF. As a result, neither of us will ever tell the other if our BFF does either. And that neither of us will blame the other for not telling.

At this point since your DH has asked you not to tell, as wrong as I feel it is, I'm afraid you're going to have to honour his request. But going forward, you and your DH are going to have to decide which things are 'taboo'.

OP, I get why you think she deserves to know. And I agree that she does.

IMO though, my loyalty to my DH would come above her. As such, I would be talking seriously with him about why I think she deserves to know and whether we should both agree to somehow let her know. With both of you on the same page about that, there will be no breach of confidence between the two of you.

I would post an anonymous note telling her the whole sordid ordeal. Then it’s up to her. I would also emphasise that she may need and STI check but say sorry anonymously. I would deny any knowledge if she asks and just be there for her either way.

@bluntness100 I think your moral compass is seriously warped

I agree she should know the fact before she gives her life to this man and starts a family. Getting married and then layering finding out everyone knew is disgraceful.

Can't stds seriously harm unborn children? I don't know the facts but I'm sure I read somewhere about stds (treatable ones) causing severe health issues in babies if undetected.

If your dp is happy to keep it secret, I'd be seriously concerned about his moral compass in all honesty.

Do you think he should dump me if I do tell her?

If he absolutely insists that he doesn't want you to share what he knows, then I think telling harms your relationship. I think he should tell.

I think this because I did what you are considering, for the same reason. I was not being quite as deliberate as you would be, but in hindsight I disrespected my DW by not fully keeping her confidence because I was annoyed by her choice.

OP, if your partner wants to cover up for his friend, what would he expect from his friends when he had the opportunity to stray? Telling you ‘in confidence’ isn’t cosy sharing, it’s telling you who he is. By their friends you shall know them. Do you want that kind of man? From that kind of friendship group? Wouldn’t you be better off...

Tell him where to go. Tell the poor bride to be what you know. Don’t be complicit in the groom’s deception. Don’t keep quiet because your relationship might depend on it. That’s how we are controlled. ‘Behave as I tell you or i’ll leave”. And you can see from this thread how many women are willing to take part in deceiving a woman to keep their own men happy.

STIs can cause significant health risks to mothers and unborn babies.

The very least you can do is insist he has a check.

For those of you still saying don't tell her HE DIDN'T WEAR A CONDOM.

Don't do it anonymously. She will spend the rest of her life wondering where it's from. Is it true. He will try pass it off as someone who has it out for them or something similar. I think you should tell her. Face to face or over the phone then she can ask you questions and you can answer anything you know.

I feel very uneasy about the posters who think it matters whether it was just a kiss vs sex. Or whether he is likely to do it again. Or whether he is sorry. Or whether they might have happy years ahead. It’s for OP’s friend to decide what her boundaries are, and what she is willing to accept from her partner. It’s not for somebody else to decide that for her and then withhold information on the basis of what they believe she should be prepared to accept. It’s patronising and infantilising. Like other people know what’s best for her rather than allowing her to have the information that’s available and to investigate the situation herself and come to her own conclusion about something that will affect potentially her whole life.

It’s a tricky one, OP. I can see that there’s no easy route for you. Generally it doesn’t do any good to get in the middle of couples’ issues. But this woman hasn’t committed to her partner yet. She’s about to financially and legally commit herself, and start a family with (!), someone who has had unprotected sex with another woman without her knowledge. She is also at risk of any number of STI’s.

I really hate the “boy’s club” culture where they are all laughing and pisstaking and posting photos about what is actually a terrible betrayal and would no doubt devastate this poor woman if/when she finds out. What a bunch of tossers they are.

Drunken snog or sex I would want to know. If she’s your friend then you should tell her. I would definitely tell her. She can then make an informed decision when/if she goes ahead with the wedding.

I feel awful for her. Everyone (including partners/wives probably) who went on the stag know. The men are joking about it on texts. Everyone may as well be laughing at her behind her back. Poor woman.

I had a similar situation in my early twenties, with my (now) husband's best friend from primary school and his partner who we socialised with. Rightly or wrongly I accepted that I couldn't tell her, but I drew back from socialising with her. I was not her friend, because a friend would have told her, and I wasn't going to pretend to be.

My Dp told me because he was shocked and didn't know what to do/say about it. He was contemplating telling her himself, but he believes his friend is truly sorry and it won't happen again. He also feels guilty as if he'd gone away with them he thinks he'd have stopped him doing it.
He's getting tested, that's how the did he didn't he use a condom conversation came up with my Dp.
Me and Dp do differ on our attitude to cheating it's an absolute no negotiation end of things for me, which he knows. But he says he'd consider forgiving me if it was a one night stand or if I had reasons for it, more so now we've got Ds.
He isn't saying that to lay the groundwork if he ever does, he told me it before we were even a couple and he knows me well enough to know I'm not the forgiving type.

He doesn't want me to say anything but to be clear there's no way he'd end things if I did. And he said if I do and his friend denies it, he'll back me up and tell her what he was told. Ultimately he'll take my side over his friend but that's just making me feel worse because shouldn't I be taking his side and keeping quite.

I also don't have a clue what she'd do. I think she may forgive him though, but Dp doesn't. I'm going to first ask him to talk to his friend and encourage him to come clean, maybe fib a little and say people are talking and something might get out.

Agree with @Ratatatouille point about boys culture. It's gross that cheating on your stag do has become so common that it's like a rite of passage for some men.

I can't add to what others have said but if I were you I'd tell her

Sorry x posted. Yes ultimately it's best coming from the man himself. Hopefully he'll do the right thing.

Id give him a chance to tell her first. Tell him in no uncertain terms that you’re serious and it’d be better coming from him.

I don’t know how you’d cope with the Hen do and wedding, knowing that she doesn’t know.

What a horrible position to be in, OP.

This reminded me of a guy who was part of my uni friendship group - he was more friends with the guys but I’d also briefly dated him. He had sex with a woman on his stag do, and 2 of my male uni housemates brought it up at a gathering we had of us just old housemates. Because I’d never met the fiancé, I said nothing. They got married, and have 3 children now. I don’t know how he has squared it in his own head so that he can just carry on like nothing happened, but I feel sorry for his wife.

I think I would say something if it was a friend of mine. I wouldn’t be able to look her in the eye, and would find it impossible to carry on with the couple get-togethers, laughing and joking with him, knowing what he’d done.

How much do you actually know though?
Fact wise?can you look her in the eye and say your df had sex with someone else?
Probably not.
Your dp probably won't back you up as he will be angry with you for breaking a confidence.
So from the bride to be's point of view,you will be standing there,repeating something you've heard second hand,no evidence to prove it and your dp saying nothing.
She could well blame it all on you as trying to cause ructions.
You should stay out of it because you do not know exactly what happened and the consequences could be terrible.
Just how to yourself to be there for her if it does come out.