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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to tell her he's cheated?

604 replies

NotReadyForThisX2 · 10/04/2019 19:10

Me and Dp have a couple friend who are due to get married. Dp wasn't on the stag do but heard from others that the groom to be cheated on his fiancé. He's spoke to him and he admitted he had.

Dp has told me in confidence and thinks we should stay out of it, that his friend is really sorry and not usually that type of man, blah blah blah....
But I'm friends with the fiancé and if it was me I'd definitely want to know before I married him.

Dp thinks what we tell each other should stay between us and that I'd be unreasonable to say something and get his friend in trouble and in the process damage their friendship.
I think if he didn't want me to say anything he shouldn't have told me at all. Where as Dp said he'd see that as keeping secrets from me and wouldn't want to have to do that.

We ended up having a argument about it and he basically said it wasn't anything to do with me and he'd be really angry if I say something to her.

OP posts:
Nickpan · 11/04/2019 02:31

has anyone totted up the Tells vs Don't Tells?

I'm sure there's a queue of people waiting to tell her anyway.

Ce7913 · 11/04/2019 02:50

That poor woman.

Standing up on her wedding day, and half of the people there to 'celebrate and witness' their relationship - including a good number of the wedding party - knowing that she's being tricked into it by her future husband and colluding with him in the most profound, humiliating charade I can imagine.

You know, because "he's a bro" and, "my husband says he's totes sorry even though he did it twice and once sober and even though hubs is treally ruly against cheating, he also doesn't believe that cheaters should have consequences or that women should have the right to information that allows them to protect their health and future happiness."

What an absolute mockery.

Ihatehashtags · 11/04/2019 02:54

This story is getting worse and worse. You absolutely have to tell her. Imagine how you would feel if you found out everyone knew your potential husband hadhad cheated, and the details of it all and no one said a thing! You would feel so hurt, humiliated and furious with your so called friends. She deserves to make the decision to stay with him, or not but it has to be based on facts. Not lies and deception. God he might have an STD!

Ihatehashtags · 11/04/2019 02:55

@Nickpan majority are tell her.

Ce7913 · 11/04/2019 03:09

Personally, though I would be crushed, I would be so deeply grateful to the person who told me if I were the bride in this scenario.

Especially given the fact that he is so cavalier about protecting her/his baby's health.

Whether she leaves, or she stays with the tool and tries to make it work, she deserves to make that choice having all critical and relevant information, not be tricked into it. To build her marriage on a foundation of honesty and respect, or not at all.

It's disgusting that her cheating fiance, his scuzzy friends, your partner and you are all making that decision for her.

Furthermore, there is just no way that this isn't going to come out at some point. Too many people know. Too many people in your extended friend group support and condone infidelity (evidently, seeing as according to your husband no-one tried to talk him out of it, it was memorialised/glorified with photos and jokes/whatnot in that chat group, and now everyone's agreed that their priority is to protect him over his poor fiance).

At some point, someone is going to have a few too many drinks and let it slip, or someone new is going to be told or everhear it, and it will all come out.

And it will be so much worse for her. And so, so isolating. Because all of her so-called 'friends' knew and treated her like a fool.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 11/04/2019 04:05

Can you get a screenshot of the any text msg from their group with pictures of he was missing woman earlier... Anonymise the screenshot and send it to her....? Anonymise it?
Not the best way to find out... But more likely to preserve your friendship...

He's put you in a shit position... One I've been in... Except the 'other woman' was in our friendship circle..... She couldn't wait to tell me.... I was so annoyed and upset she told me.... My cuckolded friend had a 3 year old with this despicable man..

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 11/04/2019 04:09

PS I told her.. It was bloody awful.

But years down the line, she has suspected it a long time.

Really crappy of your husband to tell you.... Yes, I know re spousal confidence... But to your best pal??

Surely he knew that would put you in an awful position?

AvengersAssemble · 11/04/2019 04:14

I would tell the Fiancée to tell her before you do as she deserves better than to marry a cheating rat.

rainbowstardrops · 11/04/2019 04:35

That poor woman!
I think I'd speak to your DP and encourage him to talk to the cheating bastard of a friend in the hope that cheating bastard confesses to his poor wife to be.

Imagine finding out weeks/months/years down the line and knowing that some of your so-called friends knew too but carried on as if it was no big deal!

I'd want to know for sure.

LagunaBubbles · 11/04/2019 04:52

But yeah. Rock up there and rob her of that possibility

Yes because of course that would be the OPs fault and not the cheating scum of a man she's about to marry eh? Hmm

Lweji · 11/04/2019 05:00

I'd think the secrecy ship has sailed when his friends knew and that's how your OH found out.
It's not as if he's the only one who knows.
I bet all the other girlfriends and wives know too.
I think the bride should too.

Butteredghost · 11/04/2019 05:05

OP you are in a shit situation but I wouldn't tell her. If you saw the guy cheating that would be one thing. But you heard from your DP who heard it from someone else.

YemenRoadYemen · 11/04/2019 06:17

Yes because of course that would be the OPs fault and not the cheating scum of a man she's about to marry eh? Hmm

Right?

Talk about fucked up logic.

Jimdandy · 11/04/2019 06:36

If he doesn’t do it regularly and it was literally a one- off on his stag doo where he got carried away I’d let it go. Why ruin the relationship!?

BarbedBloom · 11/04/2019 06:43

I would tell her. If I found out and also found out everyone had known but me I would be cutting the lot of them off. She should have the choice. But in this case my DH would be telling her as he feels very strongly about this sort of thing, so I appreciate it is difficult in your position

YemenRoadYemen · 11/04/2019 06:46

Because it's not your deal-breaker to decide on, that's why @Jimdandy .

If it's such a minor thing, and can be excused by him 'just getting carried away' (🙄), then why not just tell her, hmm?

Doghorsechicken · 11/04/2019 06:49

I’d tell her, even if it’s an anonymous letter. She needs to know before she’s tied in with a sleeze bag like him. ‘Oh he’s never done it before’ if he knows he can get away with it he’ll just dabble when he fancies.

ukgift2016 · 11/04/2019 06:50

I would tell as I would have loyalty towards my friend.

Shocked at how many people are saying don't tell. This is a woman entering a marriage and TTC with a man who cheated on her. She deserves to know the truth and your her friend!

BoobiesToTheRescue · 11/04/2019 06:55

So instead you're not going to go to the hen do or wedding.

So you have chosen to punish her in all of this?

She will have no idea about the cheating and she will be worried about what she has done to offend you/annoy you that you can no longer go to the hen do and wedding. And to "leave it up to DP to explain why I'm not there." Also means you aren't talking to her.

So she has done absolutely nothing wrong, but you're choosing to punish her.

Bit of a fucked up way of 'dealing' with it.
Just tell her or don't tell her. Stop fucking her around, she doesn't deserve it.

For what it's worth, I'd keep my nose out.

Delegator · 11/04/2019 07:00

Have been exactly in your position.

I doubted my decision to not say anything

The marriage lasted less than 2 years and their dd suffers the most

It wasn’t worth sacrifice a friendship based on different values

DH and I argued to the death on it. I may have damaged my own marriage I’d said something Sad it still makes me sad

Marchitectmummy · 11/04/2019 07:08

I wouldn't be chastising my DH for his honesty with me, what outcome doe you want from that - him to keep secrets ? Him to lie? Bad move you have made there.

As for your friend, it's not for you to say anything. Your partner told you that in confidence your ultimate loyalty should be with him. You know very little about what happened, you weren't there wee not told first hand and are jumping at the bit to break the news to your friend.

Threatening well I won't be around them again is ridiculous and childish, what is that achieving?

People make mistakes, maybe he has made one. Leave alone.

deadsexy · 11/04/2019 07:21

Personally I wouldn't be telling. It's a stag night and he was probably well and truly drunk. But then if he's not used protection .... oh I don't know.

Zebra31 · 11/04/2019 07:26

Op if you were her. Wound you want to know? This is awful. You need to tell her.

supercee · 11/04/2019 07:35

'Personally I wouldn't be telling. It's a stag night and he was probably well and truly drunk. But then if he's not used protection .... oh I don't know

It's a stag and he was drunk so that's ok then Hmm No wonder 'men' act the way they do.

Original poster
NotReadyForThisX2 · 11/04/2019 07:36

I think I'm more confused than I was to start with. Ultimately I don't think I can be friends with him knowing what I know, and I considered him a friend too. Actually knew him before my own Dp and before I knew his partner. So our couples friendship is definitely changed.
Not many of our or Dp's friendship group know, it was mostly his work friends on the stag do, which is why my Dp didn't go in the first place. The only friends (from our group) who went were A few single ones, they're shocked but hadn't actually been in the club with him at the time.
It was a stag do WhatsApp group, Dp was still in as he was supposed to go, he's best man. They've been friends since kids, so I do get his loyalty to his friend.

I'm sure others know, just not sure any other girlfriends who are close to her will. I can only think of one besides me who'd maybe say something and her partner wasn't there and I don't think he knows.

I'm unsure on the partner confidence thing, Dp never said he was telling me something in confidence he just told me. Thinking about it that's a bit crappy of him, isn't it? He knows I'm friends with her, what if she asks me if I've heard if anything went on, on the stag do? Am I supposed to just lie to her?
The hen do is easily explainable, I'm pregnant and was considering not going anyway but thought I'd still like a get together with everyone. So he'll just say I'm not feeling well. The wedding I know Dp won't go without me, he won't be able to cope with everyone asking where me and Ds are and if everything is ok.
For me I think if he won't tell her then Dp needs to stop the friendship and they say they've fallen out over something which explains us not going to the wedding and everything. I don't know though, I'll admit I'm pregnant so a bit emotional right now, but I can't have them coming round to our house for dinners, laughing and joking with them all while wondering if she suspects anything or if she'll ever find out.

OP posts:
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