AIBU to tell her he's cheated?

[NotReadyForThisX2]

Me and Dp have a couple friend who are due to get married. Dp wasn't on the stag do but heard from others that the groom to be cheated on his fiancé. He's spoke to him and he admitted he had.

Dp has told me in confidence and thinks we should stay out of it, that his friend is really sorry and not usually that type of man, blah blah blah....
But I'm friends with the fiancé and if it was me I'd definitely want to know before I married him.

Dp thinks what we tell each other should stay between us and that I'd be unreasonable to say something and get his friend in trouble and in the process damage their friendship.
I think if he didn't want me to say anything he shouldn't have told me at all. Where as Dp said he'd see that as keeping secrets from me and wouldn't want to have to do that.

We ended up having a argument about it and he basically said it wasn't anything to do with me and he'd be really angry if I say something to her.

If you became friends through your husband I’d not tell her, but if she really really is a friend would she want to know? You may loose her as she may blame you, but you should take that risk.

But you should have told your husband not to tell you anything if you can’t hold your tongue with his secrets.

Well, I got Married, had a baby Then found out he had cheated. Honestly, I felt like a fool
And Wish I had known. Now divorced thank god. But, if I’d had been told then I would never have married him. Once a cheat... x

Ok whatever it was, no I would not tell her. And I'd be beyond furious if I told my husband something like this in confidence, and was sure my friend had never done it before, or would again, and he rocked up to his mate and told him. I'd actually consider ending it for that.

I'd certainly never tell him anything ever again.

God that poor woman.

We know, you know, most of her friends probably know, all his friends know. If family went on the stag do then family know. This stuff doesn't stay secret the question is when not if she finds out.

I couldn't live with myself if I stayed quiet.

But you should have told your husband not to tell you anything if you can’t hold your tongue with his secrets

I suspect that ship has sailed, he now knows, he will never ever tell her something like this again.

That's what I'm torn with @Bluntness100. I do like that Dp tells me things. But then I think no way Dp or any of their friends would keep quite if they knew she'd shagged someone else. And if it's ever Dp doing the cheating I'd want one of the girlfriends to tell me if they knew, not act all friendly with me while knowing my oh had been shagging about.

Stay out of it.

As said op, in this scenario, I would respect the fact my husband told me in confidence, that this is his friend predominantly and trust his judgement on whether to say or not.

I do think though he won't tell you anything like this again, as you've proven yourself a risk factor. So I think if you're considering not telling her because you wish him to confide in you going forward, then that ship really has sailed.

Really now it's about are you going to use the info to cause this woman pain, possibly end her relationship, have her wedding cancelled, and end the friendship with the man and your partner. How much damage are you going to do?

As said, if your partner is right, and this has never happened before and in his judgement never will again, then there is every chance these two people could go on to have a long and happy marriage without her knowing of his drunken one night stand. Can you live with the fact you caused that sort of damage?

I couldn't.

But you should have told your husband not to tell you anything if you can’t hold your tongue with his secrets.

Didn't really have opportunity to tell him that @MrsGrannyWeatherwax. I was sat watching tv he said here look at this, do you think he really did, showing me the messages. Then when he'd met him and asked him, he came home and told me the nitty gritty details while I was sat feeding the baby.

That's all true @Bluntness100. But I also know she'd hate people talking and laughing about this behind her back and what if he's caught something and she ends up with it. Could I forgive myself then? She wants to start trying for a baby once they're married.

Dp said his friend was feeling very guilty, I might ask him if he'll try convince him to confess. He must be worrying that a lot of people know so maybe he'll think it's better her hearing it from him and not from someone else.

Could you sit and watch her face when she marries him knowing what you know? Smile and wave and watch her marry a liar, a cheat and a coward. Toast the happy couple?

I couldn't.

Grief the poor woman might have an STI!

Let's hope she doesn't find out when she gets pregnant.

I can't believe so many are saying stay out of it. He's making a total fool out of this poor woman.

If he's had sex with someone else, admitted it to his friends and it was for all to see on the stag. I guarantee many others who are going to the wedding will know about it.

It's horrible when you've been cheated on and you know afterwards that so many people knew but failed to tell you. We're talking about marriage here. And bollocks to whether it was out of character or not. He's a grown up and should learn some self control.

Ffs. He also might have used protection. And she also might go on to have a long and happy marriage. With wonderful children.

But yeah. Rock up there and rob her of that possibility.

Tell her anonymously. She will feel like a fool if she goes and marries him then he cheats on her again. Then she’ll find out everyone knew about the other incident and didn’t say anything . At least then she’ll have the option and maybe they can postpone the wedding.

He was the one that would have robbed her of that bluntness.

Also I don’t think kissing another person is always cheating. I was dared to go and kiss a firefighter on the lips as part of agame at my hens night and I did it! But my husband knew about it.

No I wouldn't say anything.

You were told this in confidence.and the only way I would get involved is if she was a very close friend.

Apparently he didn't @Bluntness100.

In fairness to the guy I really believe he never has before and probably won't again. I've always really liked him, he seemed like one of the good ones and all the 'lads' are shocked he's done it. That makes it worse for me as I've always thought (as does his partner) that him and my Dp were very similar in that respect. So I guess I can't help but think what if it had been my Dp. And I know I'd want to know and I know it would be over.

But then I think no way Dp or any of their friends would keep quite if they knew she'd shagged someone else.

If you can't trust that your DP would keep private, something you told him in confidence then dump him. I would want to tell, but I think this is his decision because it's his information.

@bluntness100 I think your moral compass is seriously warped.

Thehashtags, that's interesting, as I think yours is. 🤷‍♀️

If I were you I would contact her to pull out of the hen do, and the ensuing questions might lead the truth to come out, without you being directly responsible for telling her. If you're vague with the details she might ask other people. She deserves to know from someone though before the wedding!

He's hardly remorseful if he slept with this person twice!
I think she should know - it's then her choice as to whether to 'let it go' or break things off.

Absolutely I would tell. This woman is your friend. She is entering into a marriage contract that she isn't making an informed choice about. I could never attend a wedding and know this information. Similarly, I would be really angry if I knew a friend was aware of this and didn't say.

Worst case, prepare to loose the friendship if she doesn't believe you- but isn't even this better than the other chance of her finding out years later, mid-divorce, that you knew and didn't say?

If it was me, I would want to know.