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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to tell her he's cheated?

604 replies

NotReadyForThisX2 · 10/04/2019 19:10

Me and Dp have a couple friend who are due to get married. Dp wasn't on the stag do but heard from others that the groom to be cheated on his fiancé. He's spoke to him and he admitted he had.

Dp has told me in confidence and thinks we should stay out of it, that his friend is really sorry and not usually that type of man, blah blah blah....
But I'm friends with the fiancé and if it was me I'd definitely want to know before I married him.

Dp thinks what we tell each other should stay between us and that I'd be unreasonable to say something and get his friend in trouble and in the process damage their friendship.
I think if he didn't want me to say anything he shouldn't have told me at all. Where as Dp said he'd see that as keeping secrets from me and wouldn't want to have to do that.

We ended up having a argument about it and he basically said it wasn't anything to do with me and he'd be really angry if I say something to her.

OP posts:
Original poster
NotReadyForThisX2 · 10/04/2019 20:14

I didn't mean if I'd told him she had, just if him or his friends knew she had I'm sure he'd tell his mate. But even if I'd told him, that seems harsh @donquixotedelamancha.

Do you think he should dump me if I do tell her?

OP posts:
Original poster
NotReadyForThisX2 · 10/04/2019 20:19

It was the same night and he was drunk, although something happened in the morning too. I can't decide if the fact he's been so open with my Dp is because he's genuinely mortified and wants someone to open up to or if he's quite proud. Only Dp knows the whole story, the guys on the stag know she went back with him and the next morning he admitted he'd shagged her but said he was drunk and couldn't remember much about it.

Do thinks it's the first and it's him admitting it to someone to off load.

OP posts:
Windowsareforcheaters · 10/04/2019 20:20

He was unfaithful and didn't use a condom. He is planning on trying for a baby.

Has he at the very least had an STI test?

He is risking his future wife's life. You are also taking risks with this poor woman's health.

This isn't about morality anymore her health that is at risk.

pickletickled · 10/04/2019 20:21

What a fucking awful situation to be in. I'm torn.
I think, but it's easy for me to sit here and say this while not in your shoes, I would only tell her if she was a close friend or family member - sister/cousin/whatever.
My reasons being - what if she doesn't believe you? What if it causes massive issues between you and your husband. He trusted you - which btw I feel he should have kept to himself that his friend is a cheating fanny rat. However, he told you so now can't take it back.
That doesn't help now though.
I'd feel so bad about this and in her shoes I'd want to know....Urgh! as I said I'm torn.
Sorry OP I'm not much help.

Hecateh · 10/04/2019 20:22

Keep it to yourself
It's not something you know for yourself.

What you are doing is breaking your DP's confidence. He told you a secret and expected you to keep it. He told you because he trusts you. You are breaking this trust if you tell.

Gruzinkerbell1 · 10/04/2019 20:25

This woman is about to marry this guy! She deserves to know.

lboogy · 10/04/2019 20:26

What do you hope to achieve by telling her? Telling her is for your benefit it seems. You want a shit show so you can watch all the drama unfold.
Stay out of it

User12879923378 · 10/04/2019 20:26

If I found out that a friend had known and hadn't felt able to tell me, I would understand that more than I would understand my husband telling someone else something that I'd told him in confidence.

If the bloke had admitted it to you himself or you had seen it for yourself that's different but if I had found out in the way you did I would not be telling her, personally.

Gertie75 · 10/04/2019 20:29

Horrible no win situation for you to be in, I'd definitely want to know and would be equally furious with my fiance as I would with so called friends who knew and kept quiet.

Could you talk to the guy? Explain that you and a few others know and that he needs to tell her? At least she gets to decide herself what she considers cheating and whether she's ok with marrying him.

How long is it until the wedding?

lboogy · 10/04/2019 20:30

Is this woman your actual friend or a casual acquaintance . I get the impression she's someone you know casually. A friend is someone you confide your deep dark secrets to. You ring them for advice and a shoulder to cry on. If she's none of these things then you definitely should stay out of it.

SunshineCake · 10/04/2019 20:30

He shagged this woman more than once. That's not just a drunken fuck.

Windowsareforcheaters · 10/04/2019 20:33

What do you hope to achieve by telling her?

I hope to achieve her going to the clinic for a test. He shagged another woman and did not use a condom.

WifOfBif · 10/04/2019 20:33

Surely if that many people know it will come out anyway?

How close are you to this woman? Is it worth damaging your relationship for? I’m so torn on this, usually I’d say tell her but not at the risk of your own relationship.

willstarttomorrow · 10/04/2019 20:35

OP you describe this woman as a friend. As awful as it is I think you need to tell her. As a partner of the Stag it is far easier to stay out of it but you are close enough to be invited to the hen night. There are loads of people already discussing it behind her back, be kind and find a way to tell her so she can decide how to deal with it. It is a horrible situation but she is about to commit to marrying this man.

QueenofmyPrinces · 10/04/2019 20:35

I was in a similar situation and for my own reasons I decided not to say anything.

They’ve been married for 10 years now and I still doubt I made the right decision. I feel guilty because I robbed her of the chance to be with someone who would respect her and not cheat on her, but because I kept quiet she’s married to a cheat who can’t be trusted. I have no proof he’s cheated on her during their marriage but I wouldn’t put it past him. If someone’s morals means they have it in them to cheat on their partner then a wedding ring doesn’t change that.

You’re in a really horrible situation.

I would really want to tell her but as has been said, you would be betraying your partner’s confidence and you have to ask yourself if telling her that she was cheated on is worth jeopardising your own relationship for. I imagine not so I would keep quiet.

Thankssomuch · 10/04/2019 20:38

Tell her if you must but I promise you she won’t thank you for it, either now or later. Never assume you know everything about a situation or the complexities of a relationship between two people. I don’t mean to sound harsh, by the way.

Lollypop701 · 10/04/2019 20:39

What matters more, your loyalty to your partner who has told you in confidence, your own moral compass, or your friendship with the woman? I think it’s a choice between 1 and 2, and only you know what you can live with. If I had told my dh something in confidence and he repeated it it would cause serious issues. So he would need to be sure of what he was doing. If he was, I’d try to understand but I’d probably never tell him anything again that would put him in that position. There are no easy answers op. Good luck

Binting · 10/04/2019 20:41

I wouldn’t tell her, but I can see how difficult the situation is for you. If the opportunity arose I would be tempted to have a word with her dp though, to see if he really is remorseful.

Elephantbiscuit · 10/04/2019 20:43

I would want to know if I was marrying someone that was a liar and a cheat, who was willing to put my health at risk and feels that having a shag with a random was more important then the life we were planning together.

I would feel awful knowing these things about someone and keeping it to myself. She has a right to know the type of person she is marrying and then can make a choice if she goes through with the wedding or not.

Have you asked you DP how he would feel if it was him being cheated on and no one had told him?

MaybeNew · 10/04/2019 20:43

How much of a bastard must you be to celebrate your stag by shagging another woman? And then admit to it so all your friends are now sharing your guilty secret as they watch you get married?

This is so grim. If I was the bride, I don’t know what would hurt me more, the infidelity or the fact that no one valued me enough as a person to tell me and worse watched me marry the cheating bastard.

Tell her. She deserves it and he doesn’t deserve your concern.

Windowsareforcheaters · 10/04/2019 20:44

HE DIDN'T WEAR A CONDOM.

This is serious stuff. Perhaps I spend too much of my life teaching safe sex to teenagers but the way this is being overlooked by grown women is very worrying.

Sexually transmitted infections are rife in the U.K. they have long lasting implications for health and HIV is a life threatening condition.

Original poster
NotReadyForThisX2 · 10/04/2019 20:44

Friendship wise, they're the closest couple friends we've got. I got out on nights out with her, before Ds every couple of weeks or so. We go shopping sometimes, coffee, a weekly gym thing we both go to. Not best friends but as she's near by and my Dp is very good friends with hers we see a lot of each other and get along well.
Both her and her Dp have spent quite a bit of time with Ds too and they try to accommodate him where possible, planing get togethers etc.

OP posts:
Awwlookatmybabyspider · 10/04/2019 20:47

Obviously we don't know this women. Even if you do tell her. If he's worth a few quid she may still decide to go ahead with the wedding. Bide her time, and. Eventually, catch him herself. Which, she will do and tAke him for every dime he's got. Personally I wouldn't blame her if she did.
I would if my fiancé made a cunt out of me by shagging another women.

Bluntness100 · 10/04/2019 20:48

Op, this story is changing, are you saying he had sex with her sober thr next day and they didn't use a condom, that this wasn't just a drunken shag that he regrets?

Whatsername7 · 10/04/2019 20:52

I think she deserves the opportunity to decide for herself if she wants to marry this man. I would go directly to him and tell eith he tells her or you will.

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