AIBU to tell her he's cheated?

[NotReadyForThisX2]

Me and Dp have a couple friend who are due to get married. Dp wasn't on the stag do but heard from others that the groom to be cheated on his fiancé. He's spoke to him and he admitted he had.

Dp has told me in confidence and thinks we should stay out of it, that his friend is really sorry and not usually that type of man, blah blah blah....
But I'm friends with the fiancé and if it was me I'd definitely want to know before I married him.

Dp thinks what we tell each other should stay between us and that I'd be unreasonable to say something and get his friend in trouble and in the process damage their friendship.
I think if he didn't want me to say anything he shouldn't have told me at all. Where as Dp said he'd see that as keeping secrets from me and wouldn't want to have to do that.

We ended up having a argument about it and he basically said it wasn't anything to do with me and he'd be really angry if I say something to her.

I’d normally say “tell her” but if your partner knows this man well, knows it’s a one-off, and something that he feels terrible about & will never happen again, I’d keep quiet, especially if it’s going to cause issues in your relationship.

No-one can ever say it's a one-off, the future hasn't happened yet.

But what pushes this from "drunken mistake" into "potential to cheat again" territory is the the blow job in the moring that he didn't stop from happening. At that point he'd have been sober enough to make decisions and he could have stopped it and left.

His DW to be deserves to know.

*deserved, not deserves, I had read the update.

I’ve just recently been cheated on and found out that quite a few people knew about it even a ‘friend’ I’d known for 29 years and she had been round and acted like a so called mate yet kept quiet about it!!!
I would say definitely tell her and let her make her own mind up, if she chooses to forgive him and still get married then that’s her choice but it needs to be her choice, you can’t decide for her by letting her marry him believing everything is fine and happy only to then find out in months or years time that every one of her ‘friends’ knew and said nothing!!
Plus how do you know it would only be the only time he’s ever done it or would do it as he may be laughing that he’s got away with it and do it again if he hasn’t already?? If he was really and truly sorry about what happened then he should tell his wife to be and let her make her own mind up and show her the respect she deserves by allowing her to know the full facts and decide from there.
So how can you know all of this and allow her to blindly go into this marriage and still claim to be her friend?? To me a friend is someone who will always tell you the truth no matter how difficult that truth is rather than blatantly lying to your face and keeping a secret like this to themselves and every other person you thought were mates and you were close to knowing this and not saying a word to you. It’s total disrespect and disregard for your feelings.
Yes she may hate you for a bit at first for being the one with the guts to tell her but she will thank you in the end for being honest with her. As if she finds out herself then has to come to you and ask if you knew only to find out you did and kept it from her she will never forgive that and will never speak to you again.
So if you class yourself as any kind of friend then have her back and respect her as a friend and tell her the truth.
Xxxxxx

She already knows, he's told her @Anfield11.

Sorry for your own personal experience of it @Anfield11

@NotReadyForThisX2 have you spoken to her? How is she holding up ?

Wonder what he’s actually told her.

Bet it’s a very diluted version of what actually happened.

I have spoken to her, don't want to put the details of that conversation on here but from what she's told me, he's told her the truth.
She's very obviously upset but she's ok.

And me and Dp have agreed that anything said to us by either of them, we won't be sharing with the other.

Because everybody knew by now and he didn't have a choice, probably.

Even without saying anything to the other about confidences, do you really want to be in the middle?

I think this is the best outcome op. Do yiu know what she will do? Will she stay in the relationship?

I agree and I really don't know @Bluntness100. She seems to be dealing with things very well and calmly though.

I hope that she can find a peaceful resolution and your friendship remains intact.

I think your friendship will be fine.

Does he wish to stay in the relationship do you know?

Yes, definitely @Bluntness100. I think he regrets it big time. I've always thought she's a bit too good for him anyway (looks wise, which I know is shallow).

I'm not excusing him at all because he's an adult and he's been an absolute dick, which I'll tell him when I next see him. But I think he was very drunk and there was lots of encouragement from the work friends group.

Stay out of it.THe truth always comes out and it should not ruin your relationship.

Cancel the cheque !

Moral compass

Mmm we can’t go round policing how consenting adults behave that is what is done in countries where people are controlled

If you yourself were somehow involved had seen them, she was a very close friend and you were certain of an affair then that’s different but that’s not he case

Many many men and women do something like this before they get married and go ahead and the marriage is fine. She may even suspect something but chooses for what ever reason to ignore this

Just seen an update

I wouldn’t discuss it with him. Your husband can tell him he is a dick. I wouldn’t get so involved and be there to support your friend

Stupid man

I haven't discussed it with him @EnthusiasmIsDisturbed. But I have told him I think he's a dick. He's spent three night in our spare room and eating our food so I've no problem telling him what I think about him.

Sorry didn’t read that bit

Curious - is the wedding going ahead?

To the best of my knowledge yes @MrsGrannyWeatherwax