AIBU to tell her he's cheated?

[NotReadyForThisX2]

Me and Dp have a couple friend who are due to get married. Dp wasn't on the stag do but heard from others that the groom to be cheated on his fiancé. He's spoke to him and he admitted he had.

Dp has told me in confidence and thinks we should stay out of it, that his friend is really sorry and not usually that type of man, blah blah blah....
But I'm friends with the fiancé and if it was me I'd definitely want to know before I married him.

Dp thinks what we tell each other should stay between us and that I'd be unreasonable to say something and get his friend in trouble and in the process damage their friendship.
I think if he didn't want me to say anything he shouldn't have told me at all. Where as Dp said he'd see that as keeping secrets from me and wouldn't want to have to do that.

We ended up having a argument about it and he basically said it wasn't anything to do with me and he'd be really angry if I say something to her.

Grow some balls tell her he's cheated

How would y'all feel if it was your man

In this case the messenger will always be shot. Don’t say a word !

As heartbreaking as this is for her, I'll bet it's a load off your mind that she (apparently) now knows.

I think you're very generous to allow him to stay the night. I'd probably have told my DH that he should tell him to get a room somewhere. Like he probably did on his stag night.

Apoiads, are you drunk?

No need for name calling, that’s all.

No, Apoiads is the cheating fiancé I think. Drowning his sorrows because poor little him had to come clean with his fiancée.

Of course that is the OP's fault. Anyone would think that after half a bottle of whisky.

Ok, so I’m the other side of the coin. I was with my man for 16 years, just bought a house together and I found out he’d been unfaithful from approx the 2nd/3rd year together! I was dumbstruck. It seems a lot of people I’d thought were friends had seen him out and knew about this, I only wish they’d told me earlier. Getting married is a massive choice and this girl needs to make it with both eyes open. Please, please tell her. I so wish one of my ‘friends’ had told me.

@Isthisreallylife
The guy has already told his fiancee. Thanks to the lovely OP.

Thank goodness I've got to the end of this exhausting thread!! I need to go to bed...

I do think the only rational people on here are the OP and Bluntness100.

What a shame a genuinely moral dilemma has descended into name-calling. Poor OP - of course she was conflicted. Anyone with a conscience and an ounce of empathy would be, wouldn’t they?

I think @Apoiads has overlooked the fact that the fiancée is a close friend of the OP. It would have been very difficult for her to pretend that all was well.

And what about the fact that her DP's friend didn't use a condom?? Is she supposed to not care about her friend's sexual health?

It depends whether the information is coming from your friend or not.

I had defended a bitch at work, I had then managed to get my DP a job. The aforementioned bitch and my DP got it on when we were on a break. There was a lot of 'should we tell her' among our mutual colleagues. They weren't friends. Just people I knew. They eventually told me in a malicious way by forwarding on messages.

I never spoke to any of them ever again as they were absolute cunts who were jealous of me. They were absolutely ecstatic telling me about my DP's infidelity. It's like we were the 'golden couple' and they wanted to bring me down. Bitches. Incidentally, none of the cunts had men of their own.

Turned out my DP was an asshole anyway, aside from him sleeping with my'friend' when we were on a break.

I think you're projecting in that case. This isn't the same at all. The OP is a close friend of the fiancée, and would have found it very difficult to look her in the eye if she kept quiet.

I actually think her DP shouldn't have told her, it put her in a very difficult position.

What a horrible situation to be in.

It wasn't a drunken shag.
it was a failed drunken shag
followed by an unprotected half drunken shag
Followed by a sober morning sexual encounter

No excuse. He knew what he was doing. And he's probably only owned up because he knew that shit was going to hit the fan at some point.

FWIW OP, I would want to know. The humiliation of multiple wedding guests knowing. The bride to be should have the choice before she marries him of whether to do so or not.

I would have given the groom to be the option of coming clean or an anonymous note being sent.

The outcome is the best you could have hoped for. You didn't need to step in, thankfully.

Years and years ago, I went to an event and a close friend's fiancé was there with someone else. He was drunk but not drunk enough to hide his horror when he saw me. Didn't deter him though - I saw him leave with her. And two of his mates were there too.

I was like you - torn on what to do. I went to my friend 2 days later and told her I thought I'd seen her fiance with someone. She called me a liar and never spoke to me again. It caused huge issues in our friends group. I found out years later that he'd set me up in the days before I plucked up courage to tell her. He planted seeds that I didn't like him and was trying to split them up and did she think I maybe had feelings for him. Looking back - she wasn't really ever my friend if she chose to believe I was the sort of person he painted me as.

They split up after he cheated on her (again).

I vowed I'd never get involved again. But I did. I worked with one of my best friend's DP. I found out he was sleeping with a colleague. I told my friend. She had the opposite reaction. The thanked me and said she was grateful as she couldn't begin to. Imagine how hard it must have been to tell her. She ended it. Now happily married with a lovely happy family. We've been friends for over 25 yrs

I'd do it again. Life's too short. People choose to stay. People choose to end it. They should at least they have that choice.

I hope they sort it out and get the outcome they both want.

I’m shocked at the passiveness of women who think “ahh it’s just men”, “it’s a stag night let them be”. “Don’t stop the happy couple from getting married and having a future together”.
Isn’t it time we challenge men and say keep your willies to yourselves if you want to get married or be in a relationship built on trust and love? Instead of saying “oh it’s just culture”and “it’s just how they are”.

What wet blankets we women are if we think this is normal or okay. No wonder we get paid less money in jobs than men, we put up with crap and believe it’s “just how it is”.

I couldn’t hide it from a stranger let alone a friend. How hideous is compromising someone’s sexual health? For that reason alone I’d tell them. No one gets to ‘trump’ that decision by saying they’ve known their friend longer.

I wouldn't have said anything myself.

Not my circus, not my monkeys.

I'd have a clear conscience about it as I don't meddle in other people private lives.

NotReady I have read all your replies although stopped reading the forum responses after a few got a bit rude...

This is my take on it. You and your Partner have been made accessories after the fact. There is nothing you can do to reverse that situation now you unfortunately know.

Should your friend ever find out that you knew what her partner did on his stag night, she would drop you like a ton of bricks for not telling her.

You're stuck, you are not in a winning position either way, thanks to her Partner for not being able to keep his mouth and trousers shut.

I think your Partner has taken the right steps in telling his Mate he needs to speak up to his fiancee. At the end of the day, it's their business to sort out and bully for him if she decides to postpone the wedding to take her time to reflect on what he has done.

If his Mate doesn't speak up under his own steam, if I were you I would give him a gob full about how he has placed your Partner and now yourself in an untenable position.

As you have said, I would then withdraw my support of any further do's or such like and if the Bride asks, point her in the direction of her future Husband.

In the meanwhile try not to let this eat at your relationship.

Agree to disagree if you must, but remember what is important to the two of you and try and let that matter gather some dust.