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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to tell her he's cheated?

604 replies

NotReadyForThisX2 · 10/04/2019 19:10

Me and Dp have a couple friend who are due to get married. Dp wasn't on the stag do but heard from others that the groom to be cheated on his fiancé. He's spoke to him and he admitted he had.

Dp has told me in confidence and thinks we should stay out of it, that his friend is really sorry and not usually that type of man, blah blah blah....
But I'm friends with the fiancé and if it was me I'd definitely want to know before I married him.

Dp thinks what we tell each other should stay between us and that I'd be unreasonable to say something and get his friend in trouble and in the process damage their friendship.
I think if he didn't want me to say anything he shouldn't have told me at all. Where as Dp said he'd see that as keeping secrets from me and wouldn't want to have to do that.

We ended up having a argument about it and he basically said it wasn't anything to do with me and he'd be really angry if I say something to her.

OP posts:
Original poster
NotReadyForThisX2 · 13/04/2019 10:28

I'm not sure what CANCEL THE CHÈQUE!!! Means @ahtellthee. He's gone home now though. She text to ask me if he stayed here, I said he had and I hope that was ok with her.

To those posters saying my Dp will now no longer trust me. I NEVER SAID ANYTHING to her, yes me and Dp disagreed over what to say/do. But I spoke to him about it and didn't run off to tell anyone anything.
We ended up agreeing on what we thought we should do and that was leave it, as Dp was certain his mate was struggling and worrying anyway and he'd say something himself, which he has. Dp has apologised for putting me in that situation at all and acknowledged that it wasn't really fair to tell me but not expect me to have any opinion on how to deal with it. I've acknowledged that seen as he'd actually spoke to his friend that of course he'd have a better idea of how he was feeling about it and what he might do himself.
Our relationship is good, no trust issues. In fact he was about to start telling me something about it this morning until I said "just shut your fucking mouth" (jokingly, kind of).

OP posts:
2birds1stone · 13/04/2019 10:44

You mean now we wont know the outcome and if they have broken up or if the wedding has been cancelled. Grin🤐

If it has encourage her to have a unhen do!

Foxmuffin · 13/04/2019 10:48

My husband has a friend who has cheated on his now fiancé several times. He tries to manufacture situations where he’d have the opportunity to do so again. i.e “golf weekends” DH suggested the wives/GF attend too and make use of the spa and said friend was horrified and less keen as golf wasn’t his agenda.

Anyway. Only my DH knows as their other friends would be really judgemental and my DH is more revered in his opinions.

I will feel really torn at the wedding, should they get that far but really I’m breaking my husbands trust as he has confided in me so I won’t say anything. But I’m not happy about it all. I think my husband might be asked to be best man and I feel so uneasy. But it’s not our place.

ralfeesmum · 13/04/2019 11:05

Please stay away from it all. You could easily end up in a heap of unbelievable sh*te - the soon-to-be-happy couple may very well BOTH decide to turn on you and your Dp (who told you in confidence) definitely will.

Sorry, but you have to keep your mouth shut on this one.

Lweji · 13/04/2019 11:14

OP,

I'm not sure what CANCEL THE CHÈQUE!!! means

It's from an old and very long thread when people kept telling the OP to cancel the cheque but she had said in an update that the cheque had been cashed.
It's like telling pps to Read the Fucking Thread. Although it looks like it's directed at you, it's not.

Lizzie48 · 13/04/2019 11:16

Read the thread, people! The OP and her DP have agreed that they won't tell, and their relationship is fine. It does seem as if the friend is troubled by his actions, so hopefully he will confess to his fiancée (maybe he already has?) or at the very least get himself to a sexual health clinic.

lesleystevenson555 · 13/04/2019 12:07

How would y'all feel if it were your man no excuse drunk or not does that mean everytime he drinks he can cheat

Original poster
NotReadyForThisX2 · 13/04/2019 12:36

Ah, thank you @Lweji. Was trying to think what a cheque had to do with anything 😂

OP posts:
Thankfuckitsfriday1 · 13/04/2019 12:49

He didn’t have a drunken snog.. he fucked someone else. Multiple times right before his wedding.

Imagine how humiliated she could be if she is told AFTER her wedding that everyone knew. All the men on the stag do and probably all of their partners. With that many people knowing it’s unlikely to stay secret forever.

Make a secret facebook account and tell her, say al the men and some of their partners know so they can’t pin it in you.

I wouldn’t be able to go on her hen night or sit in their wedding ceremony knowing.

GabsAlot · 13/04/2019 13:13

do u think she knows now then op?

Original poster
NotReadyForThisX2 · 13/04/2019 13:26

I think so @GabsAlot.

OP posts:
beanaseireann · 13/04/2019 13:31

barryfromclareisfit.
I agree with your post of yesterday morning.
Your username is intriguing.
Is Barry from Co. Clare ? Smile

GabsAlot · 13/04/2019 13:41

hope shes ok then op

notacooldad · 13/04/2019 13:45

,Make a secret facebook account and tell her, say al the men and some of their partners know so they can’t pin it in you
Nasty and awful for the gf.

backinaminute · 13/04/2019 14:17

I think you sound like a lovely friend and partner OP. I would have felt conflicted in the same way. Out of what is essentially an all round 'no win' situation, I think it's been a good outcome for you and your DP. Surely it's totally healthy to have those sorts of conversations within a relationship. You haven't broken any confidences and you will likely be a big support to your friend in the coming days/weeks if she knows you know.

Your poor friend though, how awful. If he has told her the whole truth, I wonder if it's salvageable or if there will be a wedding?

It is literally everyone's worst nightmare in the run up to a wedding.

My DP and I aren't married - I'm really surprised by the people that think because he didn't break any vows that it was ok to do what he did. We might not have legal vows but we certainly have things that are agreed or not, shagging about most definitely being one.

I know someone said (can't link as I'm on the app) that their DP has a friend who did this and they've been married for 20 years - can you imagine being this person?! Where people know and you don't. I makes me feel a bit sick.

coffeewithcream · 13/04/2019 14:43

Tell her even if anonymously. It's the right thing to do. There's also a chance he may do it again & I think you might feel guilty if you don't tell her. Think most people would rather know if they have been cheated on. Poor woman

ahtellthee · 13/04/2019 15:09

@NotReadyForThisX2 sorry if I confused you, it's an old Mumsnetism now associated with telling people to read the full thread. It's so annoying when they don't!

And, I also think you sound like a lovely friend who has done the kindest possible thing for all concerned. I would like to think that I would do the same in your shoes (but hoping I never will be in that position).

Original poster
NotReadyForThisX2 · 13/04/2019 16:29

Its ok @ahtellthee and thank you

OP posts:
kierenthecommunity · 13/04/2019 18:18

I know it’s not relevant to this thread anymore but I’m stunned at how many people are suggesting sending an anonymous letter/Facebook message. I’ve never heard of anything so spineless.

When I was at uni I got an anonymous letter (complete with crude drawings of erect penises receiving blow jobs) telling me my boyfriend was having sex with another woman. I was so devastated I had to see the GP who referred me for counselling. I couldn’t believe someone was so evil they’d want to hurt me this way. And naturally I assumed it was some shit stirrer and totally believed it was sent by a liar.

Sadly it did turn out to be true but I’d have rather not known than have found out like that.

SchoolOfLife2 · 13/04/2019 22:57

Kieren... obviously the content of the message you received is very different to what is being suggested to OP. The message you received sounds spiteful.. no one wants that

Welcometotherock · 13/04/2019 23:16

I hope he has told her or someone else has. I'd be gutted. Bit of a difference between a drunken snog and full on repeated sex.
Imagine finding out in five years time your husband cheated on you like this and everyone knew. It's awful. :(

Ce7913 · 14/04/2019 01:02

I just wanted to say that I'm sorry you were put in this position by your DP's friend.

It's unfair when people who didn't choose the destructive, selfish behaviour have to bear some of the burden of it's consequences.

This is one of those situations where, once you know about it, there's just no winning - every single course of action carries one or more ethical, emotional or social costs.

You've clearly struggled with that burden, yet you have been the recipient of a lot of low-brow and obviously inaccurate insinuations about your character, that you're jealous and gleeful and 'loving' the darama etc. from certain quarters here, and for what it's worth, you've handled it with more grace than I would have.

I hope your friend is okay; she is lucky to have friends who look out for her and try to protect her health and dignity.

I hope your DP's friend grows from this.

I also sort of hope he gets tinnitus or restless leg syndrome for six months or so.

Halo84 · 14/04/2019 05:32

If you send by Facebook, as a pp suggested, use TOR or a proxy server. Messages on Facebook can be traced.

beanaseireann · 14/04/2019 07:59

I'd want to know.
Even anonymously, so I could find out more myself.

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 14/04/2019 10:20

OP this thread is bonkers...
I can’t believe the weirdness I’ve just read...

I’m glad it worked out in the end and he told her so you didn’t have to make a (frankly difficult) decision on it.

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