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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to tell her he's cheated?

604 replies

NotReadyForThisX2 · 10/04/2019 19:10

Me and Dp have a couple friend who are due to get married. Dp wasn't on the stag do but heard from others that the groom to be cheated on his fiancé. He's spoke to him and he admitted he had.

Dp has told me in confidence and thinks we should stay out of it, that his friend is really sorry and not usually that type of man, blah blah blah....
But I'm friends with the fiancé and if it was me I'd definitely want to know before I married him.

Dp thinks what we tell each other should stay between us and that I'd be unreasonable to say something and get his friend in trouble and in the process damage their friendship.
I think if he didn't want me to say anything he shouldn't have told me at all. Where as Dp said he'd see that as keeping secrets from me and wouldn't want to have to do that.

We ended up having a argument about it and he basically said it wasn't anything to do with me and he'd be really angry if I say something to her.

OP posts:
ChipSandwich · 13/04/2019 04:07

So the shit's now hit the fan.

I'm a firm believer in keeping your own counsel.

Other people's relationships are just that. Other people's.
Your moral compass might be different to that of others.
OP has this information third hand. That's a shaky foundation
to break such news to someone who is not actually a bosom buddy, shortly before their wedding.

Also, she was given the info in confidence. I doubt her husband will share sensitive info with her in the future. I know I wouldn't share a confidence with someone I couldn't trust.

Nope. Not enough solid evidence to wade in and create chaos.

ChipSandwich · 13/04/2019 04:17

This is all he said she said,

Nobody knows what happened. You weren't there.
I can't understand people who think they need to have their say no matter who gets hurt.

TiredConfusedMumma · 13/04/2019 05:03

If I were her I’d want to know... BUT my loyalty would always be with my man over anyone else. If he told me something in confidence I wouldn’t break that confidence.
And I would expect the same from him.
I would encourage him to have his friend tell the truth BUT ultimately his friendship is also on the line.... he shouldn’t be made to do anything that would risk that.
I don’t believe in ‘once a cheater, always a cheater’ and yes he’s absolutely screwed up but I just don’t think its your place to tell her.
I don’t know.... it’s a horrible situation but for me, I wouldn’t put my partner in a situation like this.
I’m probably one of very few who feel this way but it’s just my opinion.

VetinarisTerrier · 13/04/2019 05:22

So far I haven't seen anyone acknowledge that this was not his actual stag. The stag is still coming up around the same time as the hen. This was a work party for him which is why the OP's Dh was not there. So he went away with his work mates and cheated. For all those saying that it's no big deal as it was his stag and what happens on stags stays on the stag, what happens next month at the real stag? Does he get another get out of jail free card to boink someone again?

He is disgusting. Any one drunk, but able to perform, is sober enough to have made the choice to cheat. He has zero excuse, and those on this thread making excuses for him have extremely low standards. Although I would bet if they were in the fiancee's position they would be screaming bloody blue murder if their partner did this to them. It's just ok as it is some random woman Hmm

9thCircleInHell · 13/04/2019 05:30

Cheaters don't cheat because they're men, or drunk or unhappy or any other bullshit that some of the previous posters have said. Cheaters cheat because they have crap boundaries and think they can get away with it. They do a quick cost to benefit ratio analysis and decide that the pleasure that they'll get from each encounter is worth the pain it will cause to the people involved.

Maybe "once a cheater, always a cheater" isn't true but once a person has crossed the line by stepping outside the relationship it's a million times easier to do it again and again.

I'm a loyal person (for all it fucking got me) and this means not only in a romantic relationship but it all my relationships.
When my husband cheated on me, friends and family knew. They looked me in the face every day and said nothing. I had to discover the pricks betrayal myself but for weeks before hand I was blaming the downturn in our relationship on me being busy with work and having an one year old.

After it all came out, those silent "friends and family" are fucking dead to me. I hate them more than the other woman who screwed the man I married for months. Their betrayal hurt me almost as much as my husbands.

Your friend deserves the truth and hopefully the cheating fiancé has come clean. Don't hide from your friend as whatever happens she's going to need you.

VetinarisTerrier · 13/04/2019 05:42

*@9thCircleInHell * I'm sorry that happened to you Flowers. I really appreciated all you wrote, too many people disregard real loyalty these days, and honesty. The guy who lost you was a complete idiot, you sound lovely. For what it's worth I would have told you as difficult as it would have been. I'd rather lose a friend over being honest than keep one as a concealer/liar.

Figamol · 13/04/2019 06:56

Yup, been in exactly same situation where the my friend, the bride had been cheating on the groom (friend of DH). I didn't say anything - not my place, but I told her I wouldn't be coming to wedding and we kind of fell out, even though flights were booked and all. Fast forward to wedding day and we find ourselves on a flight full of people going to a place where the wedding wasn't happening - the bride and groom had cancelled it all by themselves! I eventually told the groom a few months later about her cheating and he was floored. All that to say, things have a way of coming to their own conclusion and you're well best staying out of it. Messenger gets shot and all that.....

Ferret27 · 13/04/2019 07:07

Stay out of it .. I know a coupein this statio they have a great marriage 20 years on and 3 kids.... she doesn’t know and he has been faithful since they made their vows ... if you are happy to breaksoneones heart and upset two sets of family . .. good luck ..it is for the groom to decide what he can live with ...if the wedding is really soon it would be awful.... as it will probably go ahead anyway but have this shadow cast over it...

Dillydallyalltheway · 13/04/2019 07:35

Half of me says don’t tell her, but the other half thinks you should, after all, I’m almost positive she will find out about it anyway at some point. It is a truly difficult situation, if it was just a kiss then don’t say anything, if it was full intercourse then she really does need to know poor thing. Having said that, if you turn the situation around and it was she who cheated, would you feel like you would have to tell him?

TheLittleDogLaughed · 13/04/2019 07:38

I hope it all works out for you OP. Dh went in a stag do with a group of blokes years ago (before we’d met) and the stag and best man both spent the night with other women having sex. Dh said nobody told the bride or the best man’s wife but the wedding was totally ruined as it seemed such a farce and both the cheating blokes were embarrassed to show affection to their partners when all their closest friends knew what they had done. In the end the friendships fell apart and both marriages failed. Whether the cheating friend in your story comes clean or not, I reckon it’s over for him in this relationship sooner or later.

ChipSandwich · 13/04/2019 07:53

Being disloyal does doom a relationship it's true. You can never recover that bubble of happiness once one or the other has burst it

Crunchetta · 13/04/2019 08:19

If I were in your position right now, I would make contact with DP’s friend, and let him know that you know what happened, and you are not comfortable to look his fiancée in the eye knowing what you now know, and tell him he needs to tell her everything, so as not to drop your ds in the poop, I would say you found out because you saw the WhatsApp messages, and reinforce that she has to be told, if he doesn’t tell her then you will have to! Good luck op

strawberriesandsugar · 13/04/2019 08:27

You're husband has put you in a very difficult position by telling you this information.

Lose lose situation.

She needs to know, but I'm not sure how would be best for her to find out. The groom should tell her. And he's ridiculous for allowing the whole stag party to find out. Them all knowing whilst she is oblivious makes it worse.

2birds1stone · 13/04/2019 08:36

**READ THE FULL THREAD OR ATLEAST THE LATEST UPDATE

READ THE FULL THREAD OR ATLEAST THE LATEST UPDATE

READ THE FULL THREAD OR ATLEAST THE LATEST UPDATE

it would seem the groom came clean and told his bride. Although that is purely because groom has asked if he can stay with them.

Crunchetta · 13/04/2019 09:14

Bluntness100 what planet are you from exactly? The poor woman should be the one in the knowledge of what her soon to be husband has been up to? SHE should be the one to make a decision on her own future, and whether she can live with the betrayal. Have you ever been through a divorce? Can you imagine how she would feel when it comes out years down the line, and it will because these things never remain quiet! Divorce Particularly when children are involved, It’s the worst feeling in the world, as well as having the knowledge that soooo many people knew and said nothing! I agree with OP 100% I would also withdraw from the friendship because I couldn’t live with the knowledge of what he has done, and that I’d played judge and jury and decided her fate by NOT breathing a word and effectively protecting the person that is the guilty party!

TigerTooth · 13/04/2019 09:17

You want to wreck their future over a drunken snog that he regrets? Why?
She’ll forgive him and you’ll be frozen out and your DP’s friend will feel betrayed.
Leave well alone, get something else to feel righteous about. Nobody will benefit from you blabbing.

Lizzie48 · 13/04/2019 09:22

It wasn't just a drunken snog, he shagged her twice, the second time when he was sober. And he didn't use a condom.

Besides, the thread has moved on.

ahtellthee · 13/04/2019 09:34

CANCEL THE CHÈQUE!!!

Op, I hope that your evening went ok and that he is not hanging around...

GabsAlot · 13/04/2019 09:51

god this thread is frustrating

fucking read all of it first before commenting!

TigerTooth · 13/04/2019 09:52

Glad you’re not blabbing op - you need to allow your DP the same loyalty to his childhood friend as you have said that you would to yours.
It’s just a drunken shag - you’ve said he’s not the type to usually do that and he regrets it.
As for not being able to look them in the eye and not being able to continue the friendship - very Mary Whitehouse - best left well alone and try to stop being so judgy.

TigerTooth · 13/04/2019 09:52

Glad you’re not blabbing op - you need to allow your DP the same loyalty to his childhood friend as you have said that you would to yours.
It’s just a drunken shag - you’ve said he’s not the type to usually do that and he regrets it.
As for not being able to look them in the eye and not being able to continue the friendship - very Mary Whitehouse - best left well alone and try to stop being so judgy.

ForksintheRoad · 13/04/2019 09:56

@VetinarisTerrier makes a very good point - this was just a 'pre-stagnight'!!

GirlcalledJack · 13/04/2019 09:56

How did it go when you got home OP?

Aridane · 13/04/2019 09:59

As heartbreaking as this is for her, I'll bet it's a load off your mind that she (apparently) now knows

Phew- that’s OK then

winniestone37 · 13/04/2019 10:09

Don't do it.

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