AIBU or is his mum being disrespectful

[sweetpea37]

My mil has stayed a handful of times in our home to mind our dc which we appreciate as she can't have them in hers due to space plus all their stuff is here.
The first time she stayed she went into our bedroom and emptied our laundry basket and put on a wash (underwear and all) I was not happy about this at all so DH had a word with her the next time she stayed and asked her not to do our laundry. She didn't.
The next time she stayed she did it again so I explained to her in a nice way how I feel very uncomfortable with people washing my clothes in particular my underwear and we appreciate her help. She seemed to accept this but then goes I'l just do my sons so.
It came up in conversation one day and my SIL explained to me how her mum just likes to help and I acknowledged that but also said I really don't like anyone washing my underwear and in particular I have bought a few decent bras now thanks to having 3 children and I prefer to wash them separately to protect them whereas mil just throws them in the washing machine.
We just came back from a wedding and once again I've found my clothes all washed and on top of that a top I owned ruined. There wasn't that much washing to be done as I'd kept on top of it thinking she wouldn't bother if the basket was almost empty. My husband thinks I should just hide all my dirty clothes in future so his mum won't wash them but I don't think this is the answer either? Locking the door isn't an answer either as he feels this is rude.

Just make sure your washing is all done before you go away and leave the kids with her. I would hate anyone else washing my underclothes frankly but it sounds as though she is deaf to your request.

It's a bit odd but I think you need to suck it up or buy a lock for your bedroom. Babysitters are hard to come by!

Deaf enough to hear while saying she will only do her son’s and en doing dil’s laundry anyway.

*then

Dildos have been around for quite a long time. Chances are she’s seen one before.....

Did anyone say she hasn't, or is it that think it would be precious to not expect the MIL to wipe out the anti-bac wipes and polish the dildo?

Bit torn on this, if I'd been ill & out of action I'd really appreciate the gesture as it takes a load off and I'd be too tired to mind. The rest of the time, lovely though it is, I'd possibly find it a bit annoying, esp if they were a repeat offender. I'm pretty fussy about my laundry and my handwashing so I'd rather someone just left it - unless they want to buy replacements. I also have heavy discharge a lot of the time, and I sweat, too. I don't want someone seeing that. They also won't do the things I do pre-wash to some clothes, or iron the right stuff afters. I'd love it if anyone cleaned the place, and I'm super tidy so rifling amongst my posessions would be boring and easily detectable, but please leave my laundry alone! If I'm away long enough I virtually empty it pre travel anyway.

Get one of those pop up fabric storage bins, OP, one with a zippy top. Put that out with your laundry in, just for her visit and padlock it with a suitcase padlock (and hide the keys). Either that or put a novelty toy in your laundry basket, one of those ones you can get that pops up out of your loo seat or similar.

FGS she was asked to do ONE THING! Mind the children.

Not put a wash on, not do the ironing, not mow the lawn or repoint the house.

She absolutely didn't need to do what she'd been expressly told not to do.

What have you said to her, OP?

Well, a top. And I did say that the ruined top needs to be talked about. But it seems to be the pants that are upsetting most people

It was more than that. And ruining one garment through ignoring a request that she leave the washing alone isn't acceptable.

You're also ignoring the issue of invasion of privacy, Bertrand.

Just hide your laundry/delicates and let her wash your husbands. I expect she enjoys feeling helpful. Remember she's been doing her son's laundry for many years so it comes naturally to her.

I would be a bit embarassed if my mil went through my laundry but if she made a habit of it I'd just put my undies and delicates in a different basket eg in my wardrobe.

My mil loves ironing and folding DD's clothes, if I leave a basket of them around she always irons them! I don't mind at all.

You told her not to do your washing and she ignored you .
What about hiding the washing detergent? Might be easier than locking the door .

I don’t actually get what’s so hard about locking a door. Might’ve been unacceptable when DH was a teenager and living in his mums house but absolutely nothing wrong with it in your own house. If anything, if she finds out then she is the one being rude....

I don't care whether she enjoys it or not, she's been asked not to do it so should respect that.
A normal person with proper boundaries would have asked if they could do something to be helpful, especially if they knew they'd ballsed up by trying to be helpful before and been told not to do it again.

My mil loves ironing and folding DD's clothes, if I leave a basket of them around she always irons them! I don't mind at all.

But would she do it if she knew you did mind?

It's unbelievable how many posters can't understand that just because they don't think it's an issue, that other people possibly could.
And also that so many people think it's acceptable to have to go round hiding things in your own home

When I see the word 'disrespectful' it always reminds me of Ricki Lake, the American equivalent of Jeremy Kyle. Or dissing...

TBH if that is the only problem in your life OP, you're doing OK. I don't understand the problem personally and the only way it would annoy me would be my MIL feeling she has to do this to help me and DH.

I do think it's easily solved though so don't know what all the fuss is about. When MIL turns up... in a jokey pleasant way, look at her in the eye and say 'NO WASHING Barbara'. Then stick everything in the w/machine but stick a note on the outside saying 'DO NOT DO THIS WASHING Barbara'.

She sounds a helpful MIL, how lovely she looks after your children fairly regularly.

Ffs not sure why so many people are defending the MIL. If you would appreciate someone doing your washing, or ironing or whatever that's great! The OP has asked her multiple times to not do the laundry and the MIL won't listen.

What's next? What if a child develops a deadly allergy to peanuts and MIL gives the kid peanuts because she just doesn't listen to the parents.
It's about boundaries and respect

It all sounds a bit irritating at worst. God forbid you have some real problems in your life.

A bit irritating!!!!

You are being ignored and being ridden roughshod over, and it's a bit bloody irritating! It's not about the washing people! It's about respect and boundaries being ignored.

OMG! That’s EXACTLY how it started with me years ago only she would actually go as far as putting my freshly washed clothes away, underwear and all and would then rearrange my entire underwear draw, and once took it upon herself to organise all my paperwork in the file I have on top of there! Bills, bank statements everything. DP says she’s just being nice and I should accept the help, as I obviously need it. The two of them act like we live in squaller because I don’t have OCD like she does and he was raised a single child in a pristine house but I have 3 kids and a 4th on the way so show home standard isn’t really attainable.

I made the huge mistake of moving house close to hers. For a long time she had DP taking my daughters dirty clothes to her house so he could bring them back washed, dried and ironed a couple of days later, not the boys just my boyfriends biological child and I’m pretty sure she was sneaking in some of DP stuff too.

She has zero respect of boundaries and has DP wrapped round her finger. He will ditch me and the kids in a heart beat to run to her and help her with things she can absolutely do alone but when I need help he’s too busy, can’t be arsed or tells me that I should grow up, do it myself and stop being “clingy”! That’s rich considering him and his mum are practically codependent.

He never wants to do anything with me when invited so me and the kids go out and do stuff just us, but if his mum calls him later that day and says she wants help with a simple task or to accompany her on an errand he can’t get out the house quick enough! When I ask him why he allows himself to get dragged around by her he says it’s because he knows he’ll get something out of it and she will buy him something so that makes it ok to him.

She’s not even nice to him a lot of the time. She’s a nasty drunk and unfortunately drinks quite a lot. She has shown up in a state in the evening several times and DP has let her in the house around the kids like that and doesn’t stand up to her. When I ask why he won’t tell her straight he says she’s his mother so he can’t tell her what to do! He’s in his 30’s and can completely tell her what not to do in regards to his own family but he never will. The one time I have stood up to her DP freaked out at me. Now his mother has avoided me for months, when she’s been horrible to me dozens of times she has never apologised once and shows up the next day like nothing happened. Now she avoids me like the plague and is acting the victim and my boyfriend allows it. He leaves the room to answer her phone calls and leaves things vague when he leaves the house to go see her. Half the time he acts likes she’s “the other women” it’s completely insane.

Yesterday DP and I fell out....again....yes it was due to him being dragged around by his mother....again...he made a commitment to me and the kids but came back hours late. He says he’s done nothing wrong....again. He left in a huff went storming off back to mummy’s house sat there with his feet up for a few hours and then came back after I’d done everything, got the kids in bed and cleaned up the whole house and demanded an apology from me!

My advice to you is do deal with your mil now, sadly I don’t have any answers but it will definitely just get worse. I’m currently 32 weeks pregnant with 3 already and I’ve pretty much no choice but to leave him. Our relationship was really, very good before we moved close to her and I thought we’d be together forever but he has changed, he puts her first no matter what and the two of them are never in the wrong for anything.

The weird thing is I don’t think he will miss me when I’m gone, he will go back and live at his mothers house and I honestly think he will be happier that way, although I don’t know how he’ll have the kids at hers with her drinking but that’s a whole other thing to worry about.

I hope to god you resolve things. Good luck, you may need it.

I would find it only a bit irritating, yes. If she is a great GM, puts herself out to stay in your house and look after your children, this would just be an annoying idiosyncrasy that we would deal with, in a pleasant way. And there are plenty of ways...

If it's as bad as being ignored and ridden roughshod over, I wouldn't have her looking after my children.

I would hate this. MIL lives too far away to babysit for an evening but has stayed over if we go away for a night.

She is a person who cannot stand anything out of place, everything has to be washed up immediately etc. I have expressly asked her not to my laundry, after knowing she had form for this at SILs and after reading similar threads on here. DH has a separate laundry basket so if he was happy for her to do his then fine (which she did and then criticised the state of some of his clothes, so I was glad she didn’t touch mine)

I can’t imagine riffling through people’s laundry basket if I was just there for the evening or even for a few days. The only time I might would be if someone was ill, and we are talking more than a cold, and I was helping them.

I certainly wouldn’t do someone’s laundry if they had expressly asked them not to, it is disrespectful. Doesn’t matter if it is laundry or anything else, if they have expressly said no, then you don’t do it.

And this would apply to DM or anyone else, it’s not just a rant against MIL

Take the turn bit out of your door lock, so she can't get in. This takes maybe two mins to do ..
That way if she goes in she would have to know she was being a bitch..

I had this - but with ironing. It’s a power thing. And I lost a top to it too - I had to time all my laundry around her visits to ensure I was up to date with the ironing. On week 3 she couldn’t bear it so ironed some very damp clothes on the rack, including a very nice lambswool mix sweater...

Everything else apart, and you have my full sympathy OP. Am I the only one who finds the idea of someone insisting on doing another adult's washing really odd?

Maybe, if she did it once because she thought it was somehow being helpful to put another adult's washing into the machine, but to continue to do it when she's been repeatedly asked not to? That isn't helpful, it's interfering, controlling and annoying.

Not sure why so many pps think the OP should just suck it up or find ways to thwart her MIL's intrusive behaviour; 'I don't want you doing our washing' should be more than enough.

And just because she's looking after her grandchildren, it doesn't give her the right to poke her nose in where it shouldn't be and isn't wanted.

Put your vibrator on the top of the laundry basket

Maybe, if she did it once because she thought it was somehow being helpful to put another adult's washing into the machine, but to continue to do it when she's been repeatedly asked not to? That isn't helpful, it's interfering, controlling and annoying.

Agree with this. And I’m a “washing is very personal” type. My DD had a couple of friends round straight from school (one came with and one came without her mother). They’d brought home clothes to change into, but nobody bothered and they all got into a bit of a mess playing in their school uniforms. I told the girls to change and said I’d wash DD’s uniform. I asked the other mother if she’d like me to put her DD’s uniform in the wash, which she did. I then hesitated - and asked the other mother whether she thought it was okay for me to wash the uniform of the third child! (Think - is it actually helpful? Will it be wet to take home? Is anyone sensitive to bio washing liquid? Does it look a bit rude and as though I’m implying that she doesn’t wash her kid’s clothes often enough? Etc etc). Washing is a personal, individual thing; I absolutely wouldn’t dream of touching another adult’s unless they’d specifically asked me to or accepted my offer to do it. (In the event, this mother’s washing machine had broken, so she was bloody ecstatic about the washed uniform, so all was well that ended well!)