AIBU or is his mum being disrespectful

[sweetpea37]

My mil has stayed a handful of times in our home to mind our dc which we appreciate as she can't have them in hers due to space plus all their stuff is here.
The first time she stayed she went into our bedroom and emptied our laundry basket and put on a wash (underwear and all) I was not happy about this at all so DH had a word with her the next time she stayed and asked her not to do our laundry. She didn't.
The next time she stayed she did it again so I explained to her in a nice way how I feel very uncomfortable with people washing my clothes in particular my underwear and we appreciate her help. She seemed to accept this but then goes I'l just do my sons so.
It came up in conversation one day and my SIL explained to me how her mum just likes to help and I acknowledged that but also said I really don't like anyone washing my underwear and in particular I have bought a few decent bras now thanks to having 3 children and I prefer to wash them separately to protect them whereas mil just throws them in the washing machine.
We just came back from a wedding and once again I've found my clothes all washed and on top of that a top I owned ruined. There wasn't that much washing to be done as I'd kept on top of it thinking she wouldn't bother if the basket was almost empty. My husband thinks I should just hide all my dirty clothes in future so his mum won't wash them but I don't think this is the answer either? Locking the door isn't an answer either as he feels this is rude.

“privacy preferences around their undies”

I don't know anyone that calls each other twats so its not normal where I come from. People in a pub might say it to each other and then beat one another up. To me that's fighting talk.

Personally I'd have no issue with my MIL washing my clothes, but I would be really uncomfortable with anyone washing my underwear. Lena Dunham on Girls sums it up: "I never know when my period is due, that's why all my underwear has weird stains on them". Would never want a relative to see my dirty knickers and wash them! Or what about if the night before you had sex and popped a pair of knickers on afterwards? Definitely wouldn't want MIL rifling through those in the washing basket! Because the OP has asked MIL to stop and because she isn't personally comfortable with it, of course the MIL is BU in ignoring her.

I don't know anyone that calls each other twats so its not normal where I come from. People in a pub might say it to each other and then beat one another up. To me that's fighting talk

You see ^ what you just did there was passive aggressive. Well done.

Or what about if the night before you had sex and popped a pair of knickers on afterwards Definitely wouldn't want MIL rifling through those in the washing basket!

Well maybe that's one way for her to learn.
Op: Thanks for doing my washing Betty. I hope the knickers weren't too bad. Littered as they were with all your potential grandchildren.

This is a tough one, OP - it's easy to trivialise it and mark it down as over-helpfulness, but I can't get past the fact you've repeatedly asked her not to do it.

Not only is she ignoring you, she's now damaged some items.

What's she like otherwise? If you generally get on, and she's a good grandma/non-nightmare MIL then I might be tempted to suck it up.

But if this isn't an isolated example of you feeling uncomfortable, then it needs to be addressed.

As an aside, I had a DM who was very controlling (personality disorder) and she would be very inappropriate and disrespectful to me. So having someone do something I'd asked them not to would be very triggering. They wouldn't be welcome back IF it was part of a wider problem.

This is turning into a good demonstrative course on direct and indirect communication. Keep it up ladies.

If it’s just about her pants, then don’t put them in the laundry basket. Sorted.

Come off it, you know it's about more than this. It's about a load of other items that she's ruined. Is OP meant to stop using the laundry basket altogether just because MIL can't comply with a simple request?

It's also about an invasion of OP's privacy, given that MIL has no valid reason for snooping around the bedroom, and about the failure to accept a perfectly reasonable request by OP. So no, not sorted unless and until MIL packs this in or is prevented from doing so by the door being locked.

“It's about a load of other items that she's ruined.”

Well, a top. And I did say that the ruined top needs to be talked about. But it seems to be the pants that are upsetting most people.

I don’t think it’s disrespectful.

She is trying to help and even though you asked her not to probably thinks you don’t want her to put herself out but it’s fine and she is happy to help.

Just hide anything requiring special attention and let her crack on or hide it all.

@FerdinandsMightyTesticles

No Purple, OP has clarified that she doesn’t want her clothes to be washed by her which is why the MIL exclaimed that “I will do my sons then”.

This isn’t about being over helpful.

This is about “your being silly, I don’t care I will do what I believe is right”. At best.

So OP can clarify if this is her attitude with other things.

I would reserve from assuming this is about:

“This is my sons house, hence mine too, I don’t need to be told how to behave in it”. Hopefully she is not kind. She doesn’t seem to be as OP would’ve had other bigger issues I believe.

Bertrand the OP also specifically said it was spoiling her bras too as they need hand washing and she can't afford to replace them.

Just a thought but I tend to have my GS over at my house if I babysit. I've always got lots to do in the house and garden and just get on with it when he's around and he's still at the lovely age of wanting to help! On the few times I've babysat at my dds flat I find I get bored now that he's getting older and 5. He doesn't need shadowing and as long as we play a few games he's happy to amuse himself as well. Maybe your mil is bored out of her mind. Could you actually ask if she could do certain
Things for you if she has a moment? I
Know I'm
Relieved if my dd agrees to me mowing her lawn or something

This is turning into a good demonstrative course on direct and indirect communication. Keep it up ladies. cake

Mumsnet, where every day is a school day.

Ooops
I’m a MIL and I have done this when they have gone on holiday and I’m going in to feed the cat. I’ve also done the ironing. My intention is that they came back to everything nice.
I was rushed into hospital a couple of years ago and came home two weeks later to all my laundry done and not a pot out of place in the kitchen by my daughter. It was lovely.
A new baby came home a few weeks ago and I am appointed temporary ironing lady.
Everybody is happy and it seems to work for us. Luckily we all live a stones throw from each other.

FabulouslyFab

But if your dil asked you not to it after that time you wouldn't keep doing it right?

Fabulously your family sounds lovely. So long as the dil didn’t ask you not to do her laundry more than once.

Also if u see them snooping in your room whenever they please and don’t mind u doing the same then ok go for it.

Leave a giant dildo in the laundry basket. That'll learn her.

I don’t think it’s disrespectful.

Surely you can see it's not actually about pants, right?

It's about asking someone not to do something and being ignored.

@LucyAutumn with spandex gimp mask.

For good measure.

Leave a giant dildo in the laundry basket. That'll learn her.

Needs must.

Dildos have been around for quite a long time. Chances are she’s seen one before.....

It sounds like you need her to babysit your kids so hide them. You don't need to lock your door hide the underwear and save on the drama.

FabulouslyFab

You have a lovely family and you should be proud of how your DD has turned out. Well balanced family you don't hear it often.