AIBU or is his mum being disrespectful

[sweetpea37]

My mil has stayed a handful of times in our home to mind our dc which we appreciate as she can't have them in hers due to space plus all their stuff is here.
The first time she stayed she went into our bedroom and emptied our laundry basket and put on a wash (underwear and all) I was not happy about this at all so DH had a word with her the next time she stayed and asked her not to do our laundry. She didn't.
The next time she stayed she did it again so I explained to her in a nice way how I feel very uncomfortable with people washing my clothes in particular my underwear and we appreciate her help. She seemed to accept this but then goes I'l just do my sons so.
It came up in conversation one day and my SIL explained to me how her mum just likes to help and I acknowledged that but also said I really don't like anyone washing my underwear and in particular I have bought a few decent bras now thanks to having 3 children and I prefer to wash them separately to protect them whereas mil just throws them in the washing machine.
We just came back from a wedding and once again I've found my clothes all washed and on top of that a top I owned ruined. There wasn't that much washing to be done as I'd kept on top of it thinking she wouldn't bother if the basket was almost empty. My husband thinks I should just hide all my dirty clothes in future so his mum won't wash them but I don't think this is the answer either? Locking the door isn't an answer either as he feels this is rude.

I wouldn't like this. MIL has never offered or tried to do my washing, but she certainly loves a good rake through my wardrobe and drawers when I'm not around! My DM has often said 'I'll do X for you' and I've always declined - I don't want anyone doing my washing or ironing, especially when the whole reason they are here is supposedly to play/spend time with the DC.

Irrespective of whether she is doing you the favour of babysitting it does not mean it gives her carte blanche to do whatever she likes in your home.

You’ve said not to do the washing yet this has been ignored. It may not bother everyone in this situation but it bothers you and she has been told that. It shouldn’t become necessary to lock things away because another adult cannot respect your views just because her child resides in the house with you. Your DP is totally ineffective and has made clear that he would rather you were upset than his mother.

I’d find a sitter who can respect your home and personal space in future. It doesn’t bode well for the future that if she can cross the line with this and her son says nothing that it’s not going to get any better going forward. The phrase give an inch and take a mile springs to mind.

But he's not being asked to do the washing himself. His wife finds it intrusive. Even if he doesn't mind, he should still back his wife in their home. It's not as if she is being outlandish in her request for a bit of personal privacy. Even if he doesn't view it in the same way.

Disrespectful is such an odd word. It only appears ever to be used about mils. Ditto “boundaries” and “overstepping”

Bertrand you're such a reasonable poster on the rest of the board, but every time I see you on a MIL thread I know I'm in for a treat.

I don't think you've ever not defended the actions, no matter what they are. I hope to god you aren't actually anyone's MIL.

A poster could post that the MIl was taking regular shits in her shoes and you'd probably berate her for not being suitably grateful for the free plant fertiliser this spring.

It is of course an over stepping of boundaries to touch another person's pants when they haven't asked you to. Or to go in their bedroom when you have been asked politely not to.

My period pants, my discharge day pants, my "dh didn't pull out and I'm leaking" pants. They're mine. And If I don't feel comfortable with someone touching them... WHY WOULD THE PERSON DO IT.

The question you never answer is why would someone do something that I have specifically requested them not do if it wasn't to make me feel uncomfortable. Pretend it wasn't the MIL. If it was the FIl, would you not think it was a bit fucking weird?

I don’t actually think your spouse should necessarily back you. And anyway, why should her wishes take priority? Why isn’t she backing him?

OP I just wouldn't leave anyone in charge of my children who I didn't feel actually listened to me. The pants thing is weird but is actually the smaller problem really.

If the MIL listens to you she'll never know it was locked so I don't see how it's rude.

I don’t actually think your spouse should necessarily back you. And anyway, why should her wishes take priority? Why isn’t she backing him?

I'm lost for words.

I'll just invite the whole street in to rummage through my dirty underwear because my Dh wouldn't mind...

Ferdinand I agree completely.

This is not disrespectful but it isn't very considerate to your feelings. It's quite easy. Do the washing before she comes. be sure the basket is empty. She will soon get used to it. Many mothers and MIL want to be helpful. I will do things at my daughter's but not my daughters in law. Different boundaries

“I don't think you've ever not defended the actions, no matter what they are. I hope to god you aren't actually anyone's MIL”

That’s because if I think the MIL is being unreasonable, I don’t bother posting! I often read and think “Shit, thank god for for my own rather tedious but irritating MIL”.

I just think that we should cut members of our families some slack. And if a MIL is a good mum and a good grandmother then it doesn’t matter whether we like them or not. And I also think we should pick our battles. If the worst she does is a bit of unauthorised washing the OP doesn’t have much to complain about. I also don’t think a person should automatically have to back their spouse over other rMily members if they don’t agree with them.

How can it not be disrespectful to ignore someones perfectly reasonable request over and over again?

And evenn if it was a totally unreasonable request it would still be disrespectful in their own home.

It's annoying but it's the price you're paying for "free" childcare. Pay a babysitter and I'm sure she won't wash your pants.

I would put up with a lot worse to maintain a good relationship with my in laws. Pick your battles and all that...

Fuck me, if that’s “disrespect” to you, you haven’t lived

I disagree.
I’ve been a drug addict, heavily in involved in crime to fund it. Got clean, lived in 8 different countries, done a vocational degree, done diplomas and training to help people get over and heal from trauma. I’ve had a family and am now patenting teens, so by most people’s definitions I have lived, and I think it’s disrespectful.

I also don’t think a person should automatically have to back their spouse over other rMily members if they don’t agree with them.

Not automatically, no.
But in this case it's not unreasonable to want someone to leave your washing
A. because it is an invasion of privacy
B because you have your own way of washing to prevent damage.

Respect should go both ways.

you shouldn't have to keep repeating the same request, I hate this attitude of I was only helping so you cant be annoyed, so I'd make a big deal of the ruined top, and I'd leave it draped over the laundry basket next time I went out, or turn of washer at the wall see how long she spends on that , i'm a bit mean and narkey though

It’s just so trivial. There was a poster diwnthread taking about her mil opening letters. Now that’s unacceptable-never darken my doors again stuff! Unauthorised washing? Not so much!

I just think that we should cut members of our families some slack.

Like a dil who feels really uncomfortable with mil touching her pants, or with people going in her bedroom uninvited? The MIL can't just cut her some slack?

I also don’t think a person should automatically have to back their spouse over other rMily members if they don’t agree with them.

Even when it directly affects the treatment of the spouse? Of course they should. That's normal. Not even just between married people, between all of society we should support people being listened to and their boundaries respected (no matter how precious you might think they are being).

If the OP was complaining about her husband's relationship with his mother then that would be difficult but he should 100% back her being treated as she has asked.

I don't think it's unreasonable to think "my mum popping on a load of laundry in my house is fine" though.

If you automatically have to back your spouse why isn't OP backing her DH in his, perfectly reasonable, opinion?

Clearly compromise and discussion is needed, not blind "backing your spouse".

Bertrand - To you it might be trivial. You obviously belong in the DH camp of not minding people seeing your dirty knickers. But hey some people do mind.

It’s just so trivial.

To YOU it is. Some people feel really uncomfortable with things like that. Just be happy you're so comfortable with yourself. I'd be fucking mortified in the OP's position. It's just who I am. The fact that she has had to tell the MIL that several times means the MIl knows full well it is upsetting her, and doing it anyway.

Lots of things bother different people differently. I'd be happy with someone rocking up and cleaning my kitchen and doing some hoovering, but others wouldn't like it. No one is wrong, but when you say NO, no matter how "trivial" people should listen.

If you automatically have to back your spouse why isn't OP backing her DH in his, perfectly reasonable, opinion?

Because he doesn't get an opinion on his wife's pants.

Her pants, his mother 🤷‍♀️

Who gets to decide what "trivial" is when a person says no to something that makes them uncomfortable Bertrand?

His mother can do whatever she likes to her own pants. What's your point PC?

What if he doesn’t see it as a problem? It is, as they say, his house too

But not his underwear.