AIBU or is his mum being disrespectful

[sweetpea37]

My mil has stayed a handful of times in our home to mind our dc which we appreciate as she can't have them in hers due to space plus all their stuff is here.
The first time she stayed she went into our bedroom and emptied our laundry basket and put on a wash (underwear and all) I was not happy about this at all so DH had a word with her the next time she stayed and asked her not to do our laundry. She didn't.
The next time she stayed she did it again so I explained to her in a nice way how I feel very uncomfortable with people washing my clothes in particular my underwear and we appreciate her help. She seemed to accept this but then goes I'l just do my sons so.
It came up in conversation one day and my SIL explained to me how her mum just likes to help and I acknowledged that but also said I really don't like anyone washing my underwear and in particular I have bought a few decent bras now thanks to having 3 children and I prefer to wash them separately to protect them whereas mil just throws them in the washing machine.
We just came back from a wedding and once again I've found my clothes all washed and on top of that a top I owned ruined. There wasn't that much washing to be done as I'd kept on top of it thinking she wouldn't bother if the basket was almost empty. My husband thinks I should just hide all my dirty clothes in future so his mum won't wash them but I don't think this is the answer either? Locking the door isn't an answer either as he feels this is rude.

[phoenixrosehere]

It is bizarre that some posters are saying you should hide your own clothes in your own house so mil stops. If a friend of mine was telling me that she was resorting to such a method I would think she was crazy .

MIL could just listen and not do your clothes. It is not a difficult request. My husband has his own laundry basket and it’s usually overflowing. I ask if he would like me to do his laundry and he will either say no or give me a bag of clothes he would like me to wash. I don’t disregard him and just do his laundry. He also doesn’t do mine. We are particular about how our clothes are washed and use different detergents. We know that and we respect each other’s boundaries on the subject.

OP you should just ask her point blank why she continues to ignore you. Ask her why she said she would only stick to her son’s and still did yours anyway. Stress to her that because she has continued with this behaviour disregarding what you have said she has ruined some of your items. Add that you understand that she is trying to help, but you have politely asked her not to and by ignoring you she is saying that she doesn’t care about your boundaries or have any consideration towards you about your personal things. Ask her if you need to start locking the bedroom door or hiding your laundry for her not to touch it because you feel she is struggling with your request and want to take the temptation away from her. Her response to this will be telling and if through all this she still does it again then you will probably either have to live with it, hiding the things you wouldn’t want her to ruin or find someone else to watch your child.

[Acis]

Pusheen, how have you managed not to tell your partner not to bother coming back from mummy's next time?

[BertrandRussell]

“Pusheen, how have you managed not to tell your partner not to bother coming back from mummy's next time?”

Absolutely.

Although I don’t think talking about “mummy’s boys” helps. It trivialises serious issues and is used too often to describe perfectly ordinary loving relationships.

[nokidshere]

I don't get all the fuss here. Tell your MIL if she doesn't do as you ask you will not require her to babysit again. It really is that simple.

Although personally I'd be totally happy with anyone who wants to clean/wash/iron at my house whilst I wasn't in it.

[FerdinandsMightyTesticles]

PusheenPanda84 god that sounds depressing. Obviously LTB seems sensible here but I appreciate that three children in and a fourth on the way doesn't make it ideal. Is there any chance of moving far far away all of you? And this way even if you do split there will be no expectation for you to travel when he moves in with his mother out.

is used too often to describe perfectly ordinary loving relationships.

No it's used to describe adult males who won't cut the cord or still has mummy wash his pants. It's weird that a feminist can't see the issues here.

[NCforthis2019]

Is she Asian? My mum does this and I have to remind her to stop! I don’t know why but every asian mum I know does this, even my aunties when they come over want to do my washing! Which yes, can be helpful but then I’ll hesr about how many clothes I have and how I should spend less.....

[bringincrazyback]

Genuine question here, not trying to be goady. Those who've said they don't see the issue/would just be happy to get their washing done - are you genuinely not fussed at the thought of your MIL seeing your unwashed knickers? I mean, it's not just 'oops, forgot I was due on' type knickers that would make me cringe in embarrassment if my MIL saw them, but as other posters have mentioned, days when there's a bit of discharge, or cough 'evidence' of sex so to speak... I'm just curious as I don't think there's any way I could ever not feel embarrassed by it!

[BertrandRussell]

Well, i’m assuming she’s not going to be inspecting my gusset! And I would have washed anything bloodstained separately anyway.

But I am very old and very posh. Maybe my perspective is a bit niche!

[PCohle]

For me it's not that I wouldn't mind at all it's just that I wouldn't mind enough to forgo free childcare or cause a falling out with my in laws.

I'd assume that if my MIL is happy to go though my laundry basket she's prepared for all that she might find and that after having three of her grandkids she's well aware I have sex with her son. Why should I be totally mortified when she's making it v clear via her actions that it's not a risk that bothers her.

[ssd]

What's the big deal about your MIL doing a washing with underwear in it?
Shhesh am sure she's seem a few pairs of worn kecks in her time....

[ineedaholidaynow]

Surely it doesn't matter what the actual issue the OP has of the MIL doing her laundry is, she has asked the MIL not to do it, and she still does it, that is the problem.

I am assuming if you hire a babysitter you wouldn't want them snooping round your house.

I would never go into someone's bedroom unless they told me it was ok. My bedroom is my private space. And usually if we have guests staying it's usually where all the rubbish that currently resides in the spare room, has to be moved to, so I really don't want people seeing it.

Some people are just more private.

We have had other threads where MILs/DMs have come in to the house and rearranged cupboards/furniture. Again I would find that really intrusive, other people may be ok with that.

It just seems very odd that when you have asked someone not to do something, they keep on doing it, when they do not actually need to do it. If you were expecting her to sleep in dirty bedlinen and you told her that you didn't want her washing it, then that would be different. Although in that case I would bring my own bedlinen or not stay over. But MIL does not need to wash your clothes, unless you have run out of clean clothes and are having to walk around in the nude, and if that was the case, that would be one huge dripfeed from the OP!

[Roussette]

Those who've said they don't see the issue/would just be happy to get their washing done - are you genuinely not fussed at the thought of your MIL seeing your unwashed knickers?

Not the slightest bit fussed. Anyone can do my washing any time they fancy!

[jacks11]

I don’t think the fact that done people would be fine with their MIL doing the washing is relevant. OP DOES mind and has asked her MIL to stop doing something which makes her uncomfortable/embarrassed and involves her belongings, in her home. Therefore, MIL should cease doing it- even if she thinks it’s no big deal.

OP- I think the whole thing is odd on your MIL’s part. Why does she keep doing something she has been politely asked not to do and something she is aware makes her DIL uncomfortable? That doesn’t strike me as something a well-intentioned person would keep doing to me. I think she is either spectacularly dim or is trying to annoy the OP.

The first time it happened, I could buy the argument she was trying to be nice. Though why she rooting around in her adult son and his wife’s bedroom and laundry is beyond me. Wonder what else she’s has a good nosey through?! But now she has been asked to stop several times, yet continues to do it- this makes me think she’s trying to goad OP.

I don’t believe that looking after your grandchildren gives you the right to just do whatever you like in your adult children & their partner or spouse’s home and to their belongings. It’s really not a free pass to behave badly.

OP- I would put a lock on the door. And tell her why. Or simply stop asking her to baby sit. I wouldn’t go round hiding my washing etc. You simply shouldn’t have to go to those lengths.

[Katterinaballerina]

It’s a reasonable thing to be upset about. Some people wouldn’t be bothered by it but there are plenty who wouldn’t appreciate other people touching their dirty underwear. It’s not like you’re expecting her not to drink from your mugs or to bring a torch so she doesn’t use up your lightbulbs! It’s rather infantilising for a parent to adopt an ‘I know better’ attitude towards the housework in their adult child’s home when they’ve been asked to back off. It reminds me of the posts on here about mother’s and MILs who take it upon themselves to rearrange the kitchen cupboards in their adult DC’ homes!

At some point you have to draw your line in the sand say that’s enough but it would be really embarrassing to have to explain to people that you have an underwear-based estrangement from your MIL. If she was going to listen to your reasonable request she’d have done it by now. You’re left with the choice of stealth action (hiding your detergent and dirty clothes) or a full scale pants war.

[Cherrysoup]

I think your mother in law is doing a huge favour looking after the kids, whilst I can appreciate your feelings concerning your underwear I don’t think you can dictate to your MIL when she’s doing you a favour.

That’s utter bollocks. Of course you can ‘dictate’ to your mil if you’re unhappy with her sifting through your underwear and going in your room when you’ve asked her twice. Absolute nonsense to say her desire to ‘help’ overrides the OP’s desire to keep some things private, especially when she’s asked twice previously!

I also vote for zip ties. Major hint.

[PCohle]

But surely the OP has to accept the possibility that if she causes a falling out over this her MIL may well stop providing childcare?

If you are reliant on someone doing you a favour then sometimes you have to put up with behaviour you ordinarily wouldn't as the "cost" of that favour.

Only the OP can say whether her annoyance over the laundry outweighs the benefit she derives from the childcare.

[ineedaholidaynow]

If the MIL enjoys babysitting I would think it very odd she would risk not being able to do it, by continuing to defy the OP, doing an unnecessary task. If she wants to help the OP or keep busy whilst the little one is asleep she could ask the OP if there is something she could do.

My BIL ended up giving MIL a list of jobs they would like doing, as she needed to be busy all the time. She used to turn up with a bottle of bleach when she came to stay, and bleach most of the house. Which unsurprisingly her DS and DIL found quite rude, especially as the house wasn’t dirty. They found the list was a good compromise

[Guyliner]

People are acting like the grandmother doesn't want to hang out with her grandchild and is doing the OP a huge favour being around them.

Maybe she wants to see her grandchildren on their own?

[Roussette]

Though why she rooting around in her adult son and his wife’s bedroom
Where does it say that? She emptied the laundry basket that was in there, not sure that constitutes 'rooting around' in their bedroom.

[BertrandRussell]

I’m about to put some washing on- I must go and “root around” in the laundry basket.....

[Beansandcoffee]

If my MIL is prepared to wash my underwear then I’m not going to worry about it. As a parent I’ve seen it all before so dirty underwear wouldn’t bother me either. It’s not like you examine it!! However your house your rules. But you do risk falling out with her and I’m sure you need her baby sitting services more than she needs to be doing your washing. Pick your battles.

[floribunda18]

I don't know about disrespectful, but who does laundry (or anything) when you've been specifically asked not to? It's crazy. Why would you do that? Is she losing her marbles?

[RhiWrites]

Lock the door. I don’t care if your DH thinks it’s rude. I think it’s rude to repeatedly to do something you’ve been asked not to do.

[Acis]

I’m about to put some washing on- I must go and “root around” in the laundry basket.....

But why would you normally be in the position where you're "about to put some washing on" when all you're meant to be doing is babysit your grandchildren? Even if you feel that you need to put the machine on because, say, they've been rolling around in the mud, that doesn't call for you to fill up the load, and doesn't mean doing the washing has to happen every time you babysit.

[Thehop]

I’d be pointing out to your dh that she wouldn’t know the door was locked unless she tried it....which she has been asked not to do!