AIBU or is his mum being disrespectful

[sweetpea37]

My mil has stayed a handful of times in our home to mind our dc which we appreciate as she can't have them in hers due to space plus all their stuff is here.
The first time she stayed she went into our bedroom and emptied our laundry basket and put on a wash (underwear and all) I was not happy about this at all so DH had a word with her the next time she stayed and asked her not to do our laundry. She didn't.
The next time she stayed she did it again so I explained to her in a nice way how I feel very uncomfortable with people washing my clothes in particular my underwear and we appreciate her help. She seemed to accept this but then goes I'l just do my sons so.
It came up in conversation one day and my SIL explained to me how her mum just likes to help and I acknowledged that but also said I really don't like anyone washing my underwear and in particular I have bought a few decent bras now thanks to having 3 children and I prefer to wash them separately to protect them whereas mil just throws them in the washing machine.
We just came back from a wedding and once again I've found my clothes all washed and on top of that a top I owned ruined. There wasn't that much washing to be done as I'd kept on top of it thinking she wouldn't bother if the basket was almost empty. My husband thinks I should just hide all my dirty clothes in future so his mum won't wash them but I don't think this is the answer either? Locking the door isn't an answer either as he feels this is rude.

[BertrandRussell]

I do find the “bedrooms are private” thing a bit odd too. Maybe other people think about sex more than I do?

[Guyliner]

It's not just sex though. It's the first place most people ever get their own space where they can close the door to outside intrusion. It's the place where people keep all their private things, where you sleep, where you have sex. People literally refer to it as their sanctuary.

[ineedaholidaynow]

I don’t go in to DM’s bedroom unless she invites me or asks me to get something from there. She is in her late 80s and widowed, and hasn’t been with anyone since DF died. It’s not about sex, I just see your bedroom as your private space.

Just like I treat DS(14)’s bedroom as his space

[BertrandRussell]

Yes- I ask before I go into my children’s rooms. But if they weren’t around and I was putting a wash on or we’d run out or mugs, I’d nip in and collect stuff. And in the days when we had visiting helpful mothers, I would have expected to do the same.

[ineedaholidaynow]

I don’t root around DS’s room though. Maybe I am lucky that we haven’t got to the stage of dirty mugs etc being left everywhere. And I just grab his laundry basket and sort it in another room. If clothes haven’t made it in to the basket they don’t get washed. Very rarely go into his room otherwise.

When MIL stayed with us last time she did some of DH’s laundry, which he didn’t mind. She commented and criticised some of his clothes, including the state of some of his pants and she just didn’t say this in front of him. This is why I don’t let her do my laundry, and I am not sure he would be keen to let her loose on his anymore.

[phoenixrosehere]

I agree, ineedaholidaynow.

I don’t go into an adult’s bedroom unless I have permission to do so or a child’s room unless the parent says it’s ok.

I would find it strange to do so and even rude in most cases. A lot of people see their bedrooms as private places and sanctuaries. My in-laws stay with us and they don’t go in our room and I don’t go in the guest room when they are staying there unless it’s to grab my oldest who likes to run back and forth between the bedrooms.

Is it really helpful if someone has asked you several times not to do something with their belongings and you still do it?

[Peachpie14]

I’ve had this before and made it clear I wasn’t happy about my MIL doing it and it hasn’t happened again. If you’ve politely asked someone not to do something and they keep doing it that is not being helpful, that’s a big “I’m not listening to you and will carry on doing as I like because I think I’m higher up in the pecking order”

You need to ask her again bluntly, “I asked you last time not to do it, why have you done it again?”

And also make it clear to your husband you expect him to back you on things like this. He might be happy for his mother to invade his privacy but as you are not he should support your wishes.

[jacks11]

Bertrand

It’s fine that you don’t care who goes into your bedroom or handles your underwear. But it’s not beyond comprehension that other people may feel differently about either or both of those things and their feelings on the matter are just as valid as yours.

OP would prefer her MIL did not do her washing as it makes her uncomfortable and has politely asked MIL on several occasions to stop. A well-intentioned person would surely simply stop doing it, wouldn’t they? I can understand MIL thinking “i’ll help by putting the washing on” the first time but when asked not to, why continue to do it (even if she thinks they’re being daft)?

I can only think of a few reasons anyone would do that: 1) perhaps OP hasn’t been clear enough and MIL hasn’t taken the hint (I doubt this from OP post); 2) she’s misunderstood somehow; 3) she doesn’t like being told what to do/always knows best and can’t bear to “give in” 4) she likes annoying OP; 5) she forgets due to poor memory.

Doing babysitting doesn’t mean you have a free rein to do anything you want in your adult child’s home or to their possessions, especially when specifically asked not do something (and it’s really not unreasonable to ask someone not to do your laundry).

[derxa]

People literally refer to it as their sanctuary I find this extremely odd but maybe it's because I'm one of that hated breed on MN. Yes I'm an extrovert!!! I answer all phone calls and doorbell rings. If this was my MIL I would make a giant joke of the whole thing. My late MIL was a nightmare in many ways but she was deeply loyal to my DSs.

[ineedaholidaynow]

derxa if you were the MIL and had been asked not to do it by your DIL, would you still continue to do so?

[derxa]

ineed I'm a domestic slattern so it wouldn't happen.

[ineedaholidaynow]

derxa

Maybe I should ask the other not so domestic slatterns on this thread who don't understand OP's problem, if your DIL or another relative/friend asked you not to do something in their house would you continue to do it, especially if you don't understand what their problem is?

[SandyY2K]

My DM wouldn't come into our bedroom unless she was asked to.

It's called respecting your private space.

I OTOH would have no issue going into my mum and dad's bedroom when I go 'home', if I need to borrow anything like... jewellery, make up, clothes etc. My DM has no issue with this. In fact she quite likes it tbh.

Your MIL has no reasoh to go in your bedroom. Get a lock. Simple!

Or leave a pile of ironing for her to do if she's bored.

Your DH is the one who needs to tell her to stop it really....but he's clearly too scared to do so.

[Alsohuman]

Scared? Perhaps he just doesn’t see the issue.

[ineedaholidaynow]

But if his wife has an issue then surely he should ask his mum to stop doing something that is upsetting his wife, especially when MIL is doing something not necessary. Surely it is just good manners if you know you are doing something that upsets someone you stop doing it if possible.

Is it only MILs who are allowed to ride roughshod over people’s boundaries? If a friend came to stay would you find it normal for them to come into your bedroom and root through your laundry basket?

[Likethebattle]

I would tell her ‘I told you not to do our washing, you decided to ignore me and have ruined my top! It was £25 and i’d Like you to pay to replace it’. Like a pp suggested check if your machine has a child safety lock and enable it.