AIBU or is his mum being disrespectful

[sweetpea37]

My mil has stayed a handful of times in our home to mind our dc which we appreciate as she can't have them in hers due to space plus all their stuff is here.
The first time she stayed she went into our bedroom and emptied our laundry basket and put on a wash (underwear and all) I was not happy about this at all so DH had a word with her the next time she stayed and asked her not to do our laundry. She didn't.
The next time she stayed she did it again so I explained to her in a nice way how I feel very uncomfortable with people washing my clothes in particular my underwear and we appreciate her help. She seemed to accept this but then goes I'l just do my sons so.
It came up in conversation one day and my SIL explained to me how her mum just likes to help and I acknowledged that but also said I really don't like anyone washing my underwear and in particular I have bought a few decent bras now thanks to having 3 children and I prefer to wash them separately to protect them whereas mil just throws them in the washing machine.
We just came back from a wedding and once again I've found my clothes all washed and on top of that a top I owned ruined. There wasn't that much washing to be done as I'd kept on top of it thinking she wouldn't bother if the basket was almost empty. My husband thinks I should just hide all my dirty clothes in future so his mum won't wash them but I don't think this is the answer either? Locking the door isn't an answer either as he feels this is rude.

Oh yes, I forgot about a lock. That's prob what I would do.

She's massively ove stepping the line. Just because she's doing you a favour does not give her the right to do something you have repeatedly asked her not to do especially if it's resulting your clothes being ruined. She is not doing it to be nice, she is doing it as some sort of control thing. Those posters saying OP is being U because she's doing her a favour, would you be happy if someone doing you a favour ruined something of yours? Of course you wouldn't.

OP if she is still going to come to your house then I think the only answer is to hide your wash bin. No it's not the answer but she obviously has no respect for your wishes so either make sure there is absolutely no washing or just hide it. Or your DH needs to grow a pair.

I would not only tell her that under no circumstances was she to do the laundry, but that our bedroom was completely out of bounds.

She obviously wants to help. Can you distract her with something else, like a cupboard to be emptied, cleaned and tidied, a mass of ironing, window cleaning, wiping down skirting boards, any horrible jobs that you hate that you could get her to do.

If you can't think of anything send her shopping for striped paint , fork handles or a pint of elbow grease...........

I think this is the sort of pay off you have to suck up in return for free childcare. You’ve asked a few times and she’s ignored you. If her son is happy for her to do his and the kids washing then let her crack on. Either do yours before she comes or hide the laundry basket and tell her you’re using a laundry service. She won’t need to go in your room then.

My parents and in laws help out with childcare, sometimes at ours. They mainly sort the kids getting ready for school but will wash dishes from the night before or stick the hoover round. I did feel a bit odd about it at first but they really are just wanting to help make our life easier.

I also would put a big message on top of the washing basket saying Do not wash!!

She's being rude now.

Personally, I'd be delighted that someone chose to do my laundry but if you don't want her to, that's fine. You've asked her not to TWICE .

Next time she's over, you and your DH together say no washing. If she say's she'll do her son's, you both make it clear that there is to be no washing of any description and you don't understand why you have had to point this out for a third time.

Any 'I'm only trying to help' and you can just say 'we appreciate that but it's personal and you've actually ruined some stuff'

I'd be mortified about someone going through my clothes and worn underwear.
It's so odd that she's persisting despite having been asked not to. She's treating you like children so treat her like a child, 'MIL do you remember I asked you twice not to go through our laundry? For the third time, please, please don't do it, it's not appreciated.'

Ask her to do something else - ironing, vacuuming, clean the kitchen.

I'd be so grateful to have a family member look after my kids that I'd let her wash anything she wanted I do understand that it's overstepping a boundary for you but just take a minute and think of the positive things. She loves your DC's and is involved in their lives. She provides you with free, top quality child-care. She is trying to help kitten your load. Is it worth letting this one thing she does negate all the good things she does and a happy relationship with her? I don't think so. Hide your washing somewhere (bin bag in the bottom of the wardrobe?) before she comes round.

*lighten, not kitten!

Either don't have her to babysit as you can't trust her not to go through your things or she babysits at her house. And tell her why.

I think it’s rude of your MIL because you have asked more than once not to do this, as she continues regardless of that - it’s rude. Yes, also disrespectful because your wishes/requests mean nothing to her. She’s doing as she pleases

I’d lock the door and tell DH that you’re doing it to preserve your relationship w MIL who is ignoring your request. Go upstairs just before leaving, while DH is walking out the door to the car, saying you’ve forgotten something, and lock the door. Be first in and unlock the door. If your MIL should ask why the door was locked, answer her by asking her why she felt the need to go into your bedroom.

I’d also unplug the washing machine

I’m also one for a big note in the laundry basket reading “DO NOT DO ANY LAUNDRY. PLEASE RESPECT OUR PRVACY” perhaps even using zip ties to “lock” the laundry basket too if your husband insists about not locking the door.

I would tell you, many years ago w first OH, we lived w his mother. I did her laundry as I thought I was helping and wanted to do my bit. She was very unhappy, felt it was invasion of privacy. That never occurred to me. But I never did it again because I respected her feelings.

Don't hide the laundry, hide the detergent instead. Then she'd have to call you to find out where it is and you could tell her not to do any laundry there and then. Also, put the child lock on on your washing machine, that should stump her.

mclady you are an actual genius person.

I'm with your husband. I get why you are upset that a few things have been ruined (but think you are being OTT about being uncomfortable with her seeing your underwear). But as she can't / won't remember and you seem to otherwise have a good relationship and she is doing you a very valuable favour by looking after the DC, don't make a huge issue out of it. Just hide the laundry, or put a note on the basket saying "Please do not touch".

It’s not MIL being “nice”. If it was, she’d have backed off as soon as she was asked not to. Ruining clothing is not a “nice” thing to do.

Put a lock on the bedroom door. Snooping around someone else’s house is rude, so you shouldn’t feel ‘rude’ for protecting your privacy!

Also - your DH needs to start supporting you in this. Maybe put something of his that would be ruined by a normal wash in the washing basket next time? He might care if it inconveniences him!

Also, it’s not just underwear is it? Depending on the stage or my cycle, I sometimes have discharge stains or spotting, I wouldn’t want someone seeing that!!!

Remove the fuse from the washing machine plug.
Leave a large basket of ironing in full view.

Install a cracker pull & construct a pop up { like a Birthday Card } that says "Fuck off Brenda!" when the hamper lid is opened!

This is a simple one OP! She isn’t going to stop doing it for what ever bizarre reason she has in her head so make sure she can’t access your washing! Hide it, do it yourself beforehand or lock it up! Just make sure the wash basket is empty.

Your DH is part of the problem.

Lock on the door.

He brings it up, you say - 'So it's rude for me to make the point to your mother that I would like my wishes respected in my own home, but perfectly ok for her to come to my home and completely disregard those (very politely requested) wishes? That's not rude at all is it? Do be clear here, because the message I'm getting is that your mother's wants come first in my home, and mine are to be disregarded. If that's the case, it's probably best that we discuss our relationship in general, because that certainly doesn't sound like an attitude that a good partner has to his wife.'

“If that's the case, it's probably best that we discuss our relationship in general, because that certainly doesn't sound like an attitude that a good partner has to his wife.'”

Fuck me- it’s a bit of washing!

I still wouldnt want her just washing her son's as she would still have to sort thru all the laundry to find his.

Frankly machine washing underwear is a pretty easy task so its not like she's saving you an onerous job

Is she a bid dim? Or does she have a fetish?

If someone asked me not to do their laundry, twice, even though I was only trying to be helpful, I would not do it, because, you know, they asked me not to.

Lock the bedroom door.