AIBU or is his mum being disrespectful

[sweetpea37]

My mil has stayed a handful of times in our home to mind our dc which we appreciate as she can't have them in hers due to space plus all their stuff is here.
The first time she stayed she went into our bedroom and emptied our laundry basket and put on a wash (underwear and all) I was not happy about this at all so DH had a word with her the next time she stayed and asked her not to do our laundry. She didn't.
The next time she stayed she did it again so I explained to her in a nice way how I feel very uncomfortable with people washing my clothes in particular my underwear and we appreciate her help. She seemed to accept this but then goes I'l just do my sons so.
It came up in conversation one day and my SIL explained to me how her mum just likes to help and I acknowledged that but also said I really don't like anyone washing my underwear and in particular I have bought a few decent bras now thanks to having 3 children and I prefer to wash them separately to protect them whereas mil just throws them in the washing machine.
We just came back from a wedding and once again I've found my clothes all washed and on top of that a top I owned ruined. There wasn't that much washing to be done as I'd kept on top of it thinking she wouldn't bother if the basket was almost empty. My husband thinks I should just hide all my dirty clothes in future so his mum won't wash them but I don't think this is the answer either? Locking the door isn't an answer either as he feels this is rude.

[PCohle]

As I said in my post "Clearly compromise and discussion is needed, not blind "backing your spouse"."

If her MIL not touching her knickers is super important to OP then that's absolutely fine. But clearly she needs to discuss that with her DH and see what compromises are possible (eg not using his mother for free childcare) rather than just expecting him to automatically adopt her opinions.

[SchoolOfLife2]

Lock the door. Absolutely.

This is my mils way to get under my skin while looking extremely helpful to my DH. They don’t get it do they..

She dived through my stained undies while I was away. Absolutely horrified me. It was rude from the first time let alone after being told over and over.

Next time u go to her house dive through ur silk undies and mil and pretend to be helpful.

[SchoolOfLife2]

It’s rude enough to enter ur bedroom without permission. It’s ur private place. Absolutely install locks

[BertrandRussell]

If it’s just about her pants, then don’t put them in the laundry basket. Sorted.

[Sashkin]

Bertrand, the MIL is ruining the clothes when she does the washing. How much money is the OP expected to pay out on new clothes to keep the peace with MIL? Depending on the value of the tops and bras, a paid babysitter would probably be cheaper.

OP I’d be expecting her to replace everything she’s damaged. If you hadn’t told her twice not to do it, I wouldn’t be so petty. But she is damaging these clothes repeatedly, after you have told her explicitly that what she is doing is damaging them. That moves it from “accident” to “just doesn’t care if she damaged your stuff or not” to me. A few bills will hopefully ram home that this is NOT helpful, it is actively unhelpful for you.

Or you could go around to hers and do a bit of helpful “light dusting”, and smash all her ornaments

[Mememeplease]

So lets pretend that the pants issue is trivial it isn't and you don't pull her up on it. When does overstepping boundaries become important enough to be tackled?
Someone feeds your child unapproriate food? Smacks your child? Opens your mail? Finds your sex toys in your bedside drawer?

Pull up on the smaller issues and the big issues never develop.
Let small things that bother you go, and the next small thing, and the next small thing because they are so trivial - and before you know it someone is walking all over you.

Surely that is how abuse starts? Someone constantly pushing your boundaries until you have no boundaries?

As I said it's better to stand your ground on smaller boundaries that are important to you and then it stops any more important nonsense developing.

This isn't about mils in particular. Just demanding respect from everyone. BUT Bertrand just for you, you also have to give respect and be a good dil too. And respect other peoples boundaries too.

[teletubbies123]

Do you have shit stains on your knickers. I wouldn't be offended if someone did my washing because I don't have shit stains to worry about.

[SchoolOfLife2]

And I disagree with the fact that she looks after ur kids making her entitled to be invasive to ur privacy. I think it is widely accepted that dirty undies are private.

You owe her gratitude and thank you. You owe her to do her some favours when you can. You don’t owe her to let go of your right to be respected.

Either lock the room, or put the laundry in one storage place and put a locker on that.

No need for passive aggressive notes. Just protect your privacy.

[FerdinandsMightyTesticles]

I wouldn't be offended if someone did my washing because I don't have shit stains to worry about.

You're trying to be a twat but for the record actually, a 1/3 of women are left with urinary incontinence after child birth and many left doubly incontinent. Should they be ashamed of birth injury because some demented person is desperate to see their pants?

[AnnieMay100]

Yanbu I think that’s rude of her and also creepy to want to handle dil underwear. I’d empty laundry and put in a bin bag under bed until she takes a hint and call her out for ruining your top and that she should replace it. Oh needs to stand up to his mother you don’t just wash peoples clothes in their own home.

[BertrandRussell]

I missed this fact that she damaged something. Now that is worth having words about!

[teletubbies123]

I spoke about shit stains/skid marks not incontinence darling which is what I have myself I had a forceps delivery. No need for the passive aggressive attitude it was a joke try to have a sense of humor.

[teletubbies123]

You're trying to be a twat but for the record actually, a 1/3 of women are left with urinary incontinence after child birth and many left doubly incontinent. Should they be ashamed of birth injury because some demented person is desperate to see their pants?

My last post was for you by the way. From your account should I be ashamed of myself which I'm not. The lady who cut my vagina open did a beautiful cut to get my son out.

[Mememeplease]

Oh I missed this gem

A poster could post that the MIl was taking regular shits in her shoes and you'd probably berate her for not being suitably grateful for the free plant fertiliser this spring.

[teletubbies123]

After my last delivery I would have killed to have someone help me around the house. After that delivery I was bed ridden I didn't even know when I needed the toilet it was horrendous. I had to stick myself with needles to thin my blood for seven days. I was also pissing myself when I couldn't get to the toilet. I couldn't poo properly I was in pain. I'm not ashamed of that why should I be.

Op I think its very kind of her to help and there aren't many people out there like that. If she wants to help explain to her how you would do it.

[FerdinandsMightyTesticles]

I spoke about shit stains/skid marks not incontinence darling which is what I have myself. it was a joke try to have a sense of humor.

Well darling,

Doubly incontinent means that the person shit themselves. Fecally incontinent as well as urinary incontinence, which can be a birth injury. You see?

And it's not actually funny if it's going to upset the OP is it?

I certainly didn't say any woman should feel ashamed of themselves. YOU said that. I'm glad you don't feel uncomfortable but many women would feel unhappy with MIL picking up their pissy pants. It's not weird to feel that way, either.

Also that's not what passive aggressive means.

[Mememeplease]

A kind gesture would be asking if there is anything she could do to help. It is not kind to repeatedly ignore requests not to do something.

[FerdinandsMightyTesticles]

Op I think its very kind of her to help and there aren't many people out there like that

It's true. There aren't many people who would do something you asked them not to do repeatedly.

[SchoolOfLife2]

Teletubbies you have just proved Ferdinand to be correct with your remarks...

This isn’t about you. OP and most of us wouldn’t have liked it.. I would’ve expected MIL to have asked on the first attempt to wash undies and go into her room... but let’s allow one mistake, 3 times is too many times especially when asked.


I would never go into someone’s bedroom without asking their permission.. for a start

[teletubbies123]

You called me a twat I didn't call you names. Lets ignore your passive aggressive attitude towards me.

[FerdinandsMightyTesticles]

If someone's father in law offered them money weekly, and that person said it made them feel uncomfortable and that they thought the fil was saying they needed charity they would have every right to say no. And expect that request to be listened to.

I would personally think they were mad as who doesn't want a free tenner in their pocket?

But just because I like a free tenner doesn't make them wrong. They have every right to say no, and to be heard.

[SchoolOfLife2]

Well she shouldn't do it if you've expressly asked her not to and I'd be pissed off about the ruined top but you only have a few options.

a) cause a drama over it and possibly a fall out.
b) don't get her to babysit, pay for someone else.
c) hide your knickers.
d) decide if her washing your undies once in a while is a big enough problem not to have her babysit.

She won't stop just because you ask her to, she's made that clear.

Your last sentence identified the main issue here.. or let’s say possibly greater issue:

Op does she have other examples where she doesn’t take your say on how you want things to go around the house ? Is there a my word against your word dynamic going on, or is this an odd one off???

[FerdinandsMightyTesticles]

If I had said you behaved like a person I used to know that was a bit of a twat that would have been passive aggressive. I called you a twat.

That's just normal aggressive.

[SchoolOfLife2]

That's just normal aggressive

And well suited since you were calling everyone who has privacy preferences around their undies - unhygienic.

[FerdinandsMightyTesticles]

"I don't shit myself so I don't worry about it...perhaps you shit yourself?"

That's passive aggressive.