AIBU or is his mum being disrespectful

[sweetpea37]

My mil has stayed a handful of times in our home to mind our dc which we appreciate as she can't have them in hers due to space plus all their stuff is here.
The first time she stayed she went into our bedroom and emptied our laundry basket and put on a wash (underwear and all) I was not happy about this at all so DH had a word with her the next time she stayed and asked her not to do our laundry. She didn't.
The next time she stayed she did it again so I explained to her in a nice way how I feel very uncomfortable with people washing my clothes in particular my underwear and we appreciate her help. She seemed to accept this but then goes I'l just do my sons so.
It came up in conversation one day and my SIL explained to me how her mum just likes to help and I acknowledged that but also said I really don't like anyone washing my underwear and in particular I have bought a few decent bras now thanks to having 3 children and I prefer to wash them separately to protect them whereas mil just throws them in the washing machine.
We just came back from a wedding and once again I've found my clothes all washed and on top of that a top I owned ruined. There wasn't that much washing to be done as I'd kept on top of it thinking she wouldn't bother if the basket was almost empty. My husband thinks I should just hide all my dirty clothes in future so his mum won't wash them but I don't think this is the answer either? Locking the door isn't an answer either as he feels this is rude.

[Mememeplease]

I would explode at that. Of course it's disrespectful. No one should have to be asked not to do something more than once in your own home.

Your dh is also a twat for trying to solve it by hiding it. You shouldn't need to.
Time to get your big girl pants on with both mil and dh and get this stopped once and for all by creating the most enormous scene. And if this doesn't work then she wouldn't be welcome in my home again.

I can't believe that people don't see a problem with this. It's not even the clothes themselves. It's the principle. She thinks it's ok to ignore you in your own home. That is not on. So very disrespectful.

[IWannaSeeHowItEnds]

A favour is only a favour if it's something you want and it doesn't end up costing you because that person has wrecked your clothes.
It doesn't matter whether some people would like this or not. The OP doesn't. And it's her house. It always rude to do something in another person's home that you've been asked not to!
I wouldn't leave her in my home unsupervised and I'd find someone else to look after the kids.

[Thesuzle]

Is she good at ironing ? Make sure there is a pile of that ready for her next time

[pigsDOfly]

I think I must be a very strange mother/mil my MN standards.

I've looked after my DGC in my daughter's house quite a number of times and not once has it crossed my mind to go rooting around in their dirty laundry basket and put on their washing. Nor do I go into their bedroom.

They're adults, these things are private. They can decided when and how they do their own washing, they don't need me to do it for them.

It isn't being helpful, how much effort does it take to shove a few clothes into a washing machine; she isn't taking them down to the river and banging them on rocks. It's all about wanting to take charge. Disregarding her DIl requests not to do is sending a very firm message, as FizzyGreenWater says, that she'll do exactly as she likes in her son's house.

[BertrandRussell]

I can see why it’s annoying. I can’t see why it’s worth making an “enormous scene” about. Unless it’s part of a much bigger picture we haven’t been told about. Pick your battles.

[Katterinaballerina]

She’s doing something that upsets you. You’ve asked her to stop doing it. She won’t. It’s totally unreasonable of her but she’s obviously not going to stop doing it. The question is, is this worth losing her babysitting over? Even though you’re in the right, it seems that you’re the one who’ll lose the most from any conflict.

Tip the contents of your laundry basket into a black bin bag and stick it in the back of your wardrobe before she comes to stay.

[Cottongusset]

What's so awful about your underwear??

[downcasteyes]

This screams "THERE ARE OTHER ISSUES".

Who the hell keeps doing something they have been asked, explicitly, not to do? Someone who is on the wind, that's who.

She's clearly doing this deliberately - you've given her a way of getting at you that you ostensibly can't complain about, because she can just claim she is being 'nice'. She isn't, because she's riding roughshod over your boundaries.

Get a lock and reconsider the childcare.

[phoenixrosehere]

Kind of sad if you have to hide your laundry so your mil stops doing something you have repeatedly ask her not to.

You know what, perhaps you should and if she somehow finds it and does it again then you have her for snooping through your belongings when you’re not home.

[LadyRannaldini]

Ask her to mind the kids at hers in future.

Pay for some help you like in future!

[Mememeplease]

I can see why it’s annoying. I can’t see why it’s worth making an “enormous scene” about. Unless it’s part of a much bigger picture we haven’t been told about. Pick your battles.

I suggested the enormous scene. Not because of the washing in particular but to nip all boundary crossing in the bud. It's not about the washing. It's about being completely disrespectful. The op needs to make a scene to get respect if all reasonable methods don't work. And so far they haven't.

[BlueJag]

Washing is easy. I'll leave the ironing board and a pile of clothes out. That would be wonderful.
I'll also leave a list in case of boredom:
Clean gutters
Heavy duty gardening like hedge trimming
Do windows in and out
Re grout bathroom
Re decorate spare bedroom
That's just for starters see how she does with those jobs.
Next step build extension.

[Winniethepee]

I'd place the garments i didn't want her to wash elsewhere.

[MarieIVanArkleStinks]

Disrespectful is such an odd word. It only appears ever to be used about mils. Ditto “boundaries” and “overstepping”

Why is that odd? She'd being disrespectful and is overstepping boundaries. What else would you call riding roughshod over a perfectly polite request?

[Acis]

Just lock the door and, if your husband thinks it's rude, point out to him that she has NO valid reasons for needing to go into your bedroom whereas her failure to comply with your request about the laundry is an entirely valid reason for keeping her out of there. If she moans about it, both you and he need to ask why on earth she wanted to go in there, given that you've asked her not to touch your laundry and all.

[sweetpea37]

Thank you everyone for the replies it's good to know other people would feel the same too and I know it comes down to personal boundaries. I won't have to deal with it for the foreseeable future but I'm definitely going to start locking my bedroom door and if my husband refuses I might just stop paying my share of the mortgage 😫. My husband wouldn't mind my mum washing his underwear but again I'd be a bit at even that.
Tbh I wasn't that upset about the top accidents happen could have happened to me when I was doing a wash.
I'm more annoyed over her not listening me in the home I own with my husband. My bras are expensive and I like to wash them on a delicate cycle as I don't have money to constantly replace them and their underwired.

[BarbarianMum]

OP have you ever challenged her about this? I'd be having a cross word about the spoiled top and the general ignoring.

[Mememeplease]

You shouldn't need to take preventative measures. I'm really angry on your behalf op and can't believe so many people see this as no big deal.

It is a big deal. It is indicative of her lack of respect in general and needs to be stopped. Locking the door or hiding the laundry might stop this issue but what about the next one? And of course there will be a next one.

[AWishForWingsThatWork]

Your DH is a serious wimp if he can't tell his mum to knock it the hell off and respect your boundaries. Tell him to grow up and support you.

Get a lock for your bedroom door. She shouldn't be in there.

[Mememeplease]

It's also a big deal that your DH isn't supporting you on this. It should be a non issue with both of you insisting she stop it.
You have a DH problem.

[Holidayshopping]

So your DH thinks his mother doing your laundry (when you’ve explicitly told her not too) is okay but putting a lock on the door is rude.

Exactly! Your DH is being a twat here!

[spanishwife]

I'm really angry on your behalf op and can't believe so many people see this as no big deal. Ditto.

Is it time to start properly making a fuss about this to her, politeness out of the window?

[Shoxfordian]

Your dh needs to get on side and tell his mother not to do it again. Don't leave her unsupervised in your house

[BertrandRussell]

“It's also a big deal that your DH isn't supporting you on this. It should be a non issue with both of you insisting she stop it.
You have a DH problem.”

What if he doesn’t see it as a problem? It is, as they say, his house too....

[Bluesmartiesarebest]

Stop asking her to babysit or get a lock for your bedroom door.

If DH thinks it is rude to get a lock, tell him his mother is much worse for going through your laundry, especially when she’s been told not to more than once.