AIBU or is his mum being disrespectful

[sweetpea37]

My mil has stayed a handful of times in our home to mind our dc which we appreciate as she can't have them in hers due to space plus all their stuff is here.
The first time she stayed she went into our bedroom and emptied our laundry basket and put on a wash (underwear and all) I was not happy about this at all so DH had a word with her the next time she stayed and asked her not to do our laundry. She didn't.
The next time she stayed she did it again so I explained to her in a nice way how I feel very uncomfortable with people washing my clothes in particular my underwear and we appreciate her help. She seemed to accept this but then goes I'l just do my sons so.
It came up in conversation one day and my SIL explained to me how her mum just likes to help and I acknowledged that but also said I really don't like anyone washing my underwear and in particular I have bought a few decent bras now thanks to having 3 children and I prefer to wash them separately to protect them whereas mil just throws them in the washing machine.
We just came back from a wedding and once again I've found my clothes all washed and on top of that a top I owned ruined. There wasn't that much washing to be done as I'd kept on top of it thinking she wouldn't bother if the basket was almost empty. My husband thinks I should just hide all my dirty clothes in future so his mum won't wash them but I don't think this is the answer either? Locking the door isn't an answer either as he feels this is rude.

[onlyk]

What did she say when you pointed out that yet again she’s done your laundry when you’ve asked her not too and that she’s ruined your clothing?

I’d highlight that as well as damaging my clothing it’s a breach of trust so I’m not willing to allow her to be in my home alone.

[phoenixrosehere]

I find it strange that some posters think that because grandparents babysit once in awhile they should be able to do whatever they like in their adult daughters/sons home even if they have been told not to. It’s their grandchild they are spending time with not some random child.

OP shouldn’t have to hide her clothes for her mil to respect her wishes or put a lock on her bedroom door to stop it. Her mil should respect her boundaries and leave her laundry alone. I’d be annoyed too OP.

It’s more than just about her doing the laundry, it’s her choosing to ignore what her DIL has said about her clothes in her home. On top of it, she has ruined something of her dil. If that item had been borrowed, posters would be saying something different but because it’s her mil, she should just grin and bear it or be grateful her mil would do her laundry for her. That’s so ridiculous. If she and her mil fall out because mil can’t be bothered to respect something as simple as leaving her dil laundry alone after repeatedly been ask then that’s how it goes. You let this go, who knows what else she feels she can do despite your request. Seemingly with her son indifferent to it, she doesn’t care that you mind op. Best to nip it in the bud now.

[BertrandRussell]

“I find it strange that some posters think that because grandparents babysit once in awhile they should be able to do whatever they like in their adult daughters/sons home even if they have been told not to”

I don’t think they should be able to do whatever they like. I just think making a huge fuss about a bit of washing is ridiculous. And I think talking about “disrespecting” sounds like something out of Eastenders.

[PeachesAndMayo]

Take the fuse out of the washing machine plug next time she's due over.

[Mitzimaybe]

YANBU. Never mind the washing, she is poking around your bedroom! I wouldn't find that acceptable one bit.

Time for the dementia talk? "MIL, we've asked you not to do the washing several times now but you seem to keep forgetting. Perhaps you should see your GP about your memory loss?"

At least get her repeat back to you that she has heard and understood. "MIL, what have I said about washing?" "I'll just do my son's then" "You said that before and yet you did mine and some of my clothes were ruined. Therefore you must not do any washing at all. Do you understand?" "I'm just trying to be helpful blah blah blah..." "Do you understand what I have just said?"

[BlankTimes]

Time to leave some partially completed Emigration papers for Australia lying on the bed.

[Chocolateisfab]

"keep out maaaaaa room" in your best Peggy Mitchell voice next visit...

[Smellslikemiddleagespirit]

I don’t think anyone’s actually said the usual predicable thing that always gets trotted out in relation to boundary overstepping knicker-washing MILS...

Just send her over to my house instead!

And I mean it. I can’t imagine being remotely bothered about someone washing my knickers.

[Nanny0gg]

@Foxmuffin

I think your mother in law is doing a huge favour looking after the kids, whilst I can appreciate your feelings concerning your underwear I don’t think you can dictate to your MIL when she’s doing you a favour.

Of course you can! Especially when you're asking them not to do something!

OP. Hope you told her about the top!

[Alsohuman]

Anyone who wants to wash my knickers can fill their boots. If you don’t like her doing your personal washing, OP, just hide it and let her do the rest - win/win. I’d be changing the sheets to coincide with her visits.

[Osirus]

Why does doing some babysitting entitle someone to ride roughshod over your feelings? Who cares if it’s “just a bit of washing.” The OP doesn’t want her washing handled by her MIL, so her MIL should leave it alone. She sounds a bit deranged to ignore the request and just keep doing it. I would assume she’s deliberately trying to wind you up OP, especially as she’s ignoring your wishes.

[UnrelentingFruitScoffer]

Just disable the washing machine.

And why are you so sensitive about your washing ?

[Aquamarine1029]

Your reasons for not wanting her to do anything are irrelevant. You've very politely asked her not to several times, and yet she continues. She is being very disrespectful, and your husband needs to grow a backbone. Why are you tolerating him being such a mummy's boy?

I would be upset that she's in my bedroom, never mind rummaging through my laundry. Put a big lock on the door.

[NameChangeJustBecauseICan]

I would definitely put a lock on the bedroom.door AND I would tell MIL it has been done because she has ignored my requests for her not to do my washing.

If she thinks that is rude that is her problem. She is being very rude for ignoring your requests. You should have only had to tell her once.

Just because she helps by babysitting that does not give her the right to do what she wants in your home. She is undermining you in your own home. Bloody rude of her.

[phoenixrosehere]

@BertrandRussell

A bit of washing she has been asked repeatedly not to do and has ruined something that didn’t belong to her. If she had respected her dil’s wishes the first time said item wouldn’t be ruined now would it? It is disrespectful to do something against someone’s wishes when they have told you not too especially when it is their belongings.

Many people would find someone ignoring their wishes about their belongings disrespectful. I don’t watch Eastenders so no idea what you’re talking about in that respect.

[daisyphase]

I like the idea someone mentioned about putting an extra long wash on just before you go out. Perhaps your machine has a delayed start too? That would keep it busy for even longer!

My MIL is the same.

I sometimes wonder what MILs would think if we rifled through their laundry baskets when we go over for a cup of tea. It just wouldn't happen though, would it?!

[Figure8]

Gather together a little pile of bullet proof laundry, ask if she would do it.
She feels useful, your delicates are safe. Win win

[Aquamarine1029]

@UnrelentingFruitScoffer

And why are you so sensitive about your washing?

It doesn't matter "why", she just is. What matters is that her MIL has been nicely asked not to do something in someone else's home, yet she feels entitled to disregard their wishes. That is the height of disrespect and rudeness. Just because the op doesn't share your lack of boundaries doesn't make her wrong or unreasonable.

[MaybeitsMaybelline]

I’d just hide my dirty knickers tbh.

[Chocolateisfab]

I would be betting she is a mil who tell everyone she does everything for you, even your washing .
Make give your dh a big spicey curry the night before. Induce a bad gut and lots of runny poos +dirty pants. Leave at the top of the basket.
See if she wants to wash for her precious ds then....

[FizzyGreenWater]

It's not about washing at all!

It's about boundaries, respect - all the usual stuff.

Age old scenario.

SHE'S ASKED HER NOT TO DO IT MORE THAN ONCE aaaaaand... she's gone back and done it. Message: I'm his mother. Don't tell me what to do in my son's house.

Not about washing at all and definitely best sorted right now.

[FizzyGreenWater]

Having said that, I should probably add that I'm well known for being an angry person who wants to kill everyone so there is that too.

[MsSquiz]

It is disrespectful, as she hasn't respected that you asked her not to do it.

I do think your only choice is to not have her look after the children in your home, if she cannot so as you've asked.

My MIL used to have a key to DH's house when we first lived together (I moved in with him) and while we were on our first holiday she did all of our laundry (including the bathmat from the rarely used en suite), went through our wardrobes and declared to BIL & SIL that my stuff took up too much space in her son's wardrobe! and when they asked why she was in the wardrobe, she said she was looking for dirty laundry! She also opened a sealed envelope we had left on the desk in the office, which was the bill from a weekend away and had the cheek to mention the cost to DH!!

When we moved into our joint home, I refused to let her have a spare key as she couldn't be trusted not to go through our stuff...

[AndItStillSaidFourOfTwo]

What FizzyGreenWater said.

Lock on the door.

[AndItStillSaidFourOfTwo]

X posts - apart from the bit about wanting to klll everyone