AIBU - to refuse to have other people’s DC fobbed off in me this holiday, just because they don’t sort out their own childcare

[4catsonthesofa]

I don’t wish to sound grudging about this, but I am, to be honest. I have 4 DC if my own - one still at prep school (age 10). Predictably, on the last week of term, without fail, all the texts start to come in from mums who haven’t made proper childcare arrangements for the holidays - “x would love a play date or sleepover with your DD, so let us know what day suits.” In other words - “What day can you have my DD over and preferably can she stay the night?” When I’m inviting friends over to our home, I state just that, “When could x come over, wed live to have her?”

Last week I had seven texts from people trying to cut costs and fob their kids off . Do these people not realise how obvious it is? It’s as if they think, “Oh she’s at home anyway, I’ll get a day out if her.” Lo and behold, all the other SAHMs in the class will be having these same few DCs in the other days. I

have 3 other DC to think about who may need lifts somewhere. I hate being constrained by having to wait in for other people’s DC to arrive, or be picked up. Plus, I feel fine leaving my younger one with the elder ones if I need to pop out, but I don’t feel I should do this with someone else’s child. Then you get the nannies who want to fob the kids off on you as well, so they can go food shopping or meet their boyfriends or whatever while they get paid for it.

Apologies if this sounds like a rant. I had 4 other DC here for the afternoon when school broke at 12pm last week, which, as usual, I did as a favour because I understand it’s tricky to get out of work at that time. But AIBU to have told people that I’m not doing pre-arranged play dates this holiday as we want the days to be flexible and my eldest is revising for GCSEs. AIBU or is this a bit grumpy?

No she didn’t. Because she explained that she’s not anti her children socializing but that as a SAHM it’s assumed she’s happy to do it all the time.

And it is a ball ache sometimes with lugging extra children about. Which she’s perfectly entitled to say.

She's allowed to find the situation a PITA though same as you're allowed to find other things a PITA.

It doesn't sound like she's turning down genuine playdates. It sounds like she's only being asked in the holidays and by parents of children who aren't even that friendly with hers.

She is not responsible for anyone else's childcare.

It really can be a pain logistically with multiples, juggling drop offs, pick ups, sorting out child care that works for all of them.

Just the challenges of having more than one, just like there are challenges when you have one, whether by accident or design.

But that doesn't mean that we have any right to expect other people to make our parental challenges their issue. We do, however, have the right and responsibility to seek to mitigate those challenges so as best to suit our children and our family.

And yes, it's great to help out when a friend is in need. That's very different from people who aren't your friends, whose children are not your children's friends thinking that a person SHOULD help them out because they could.

I don’t think this is as simple as a “working mum” v SAHM thing either. Often you find parents of single children are constantly trying to organise playdates (either at theirs or yours)

So she doesn’t even like a parent of an only child having one of hers round to their house. I try to return kids who’ve been to ours back home, precisely because I know it’s awkward if they’ve got to bring the other kids out too.

I was sympathetic to the OP to begin with, said it right from the start (though plenty have decided to ignore that I said that).

Sympathy has waned quite a lot with that post.

Sorry I probably sound as if I’m totally anti my DC ever seeing anyone grin. I’m not really! We’re all pretty sociable. I can say no to people these days, but I still find the manner in which they ask quite irritating, especially as it’s so predictable.

And then she said this 🙄🙄🙄

WeepingWillow - apologies for any offence. Of course I’m not anti parents with one child . I totally get that would be particular challenges in keeping them occupied in the holidays. But I was just saying, that there’s other challenges when you have multiple DC of different ages. Again, I don’t mean to sound moany. We have allsorts here all the time, but it was just the manner of the texts last week that got to me a bit.

How the parents of DD’s friends who have a SAHP and more than one child must loathe me. How they must hate my efforts to socialise DD with her pals so she doesn’t spend 6 weeks of the holidays with just me, DH or strangers at a holiday club

That rather depends on whether you are socialising her (with mutually reciprocal play dates) or just using them for childcare!!?

I'm already getting this as a sahm and my children are not even in school yet! They are 3 and 8 months.

My friend has four children, two school age one preschooler and a baby. She's decided she wants to go back to work to have some time for herself. Fair enough.

What's not fair enough is she's asked me if I could have her baby DS as a "play date" for a whole day every week with my baby because I'm at home. As if babies even have bloody play dates. No offer of payment was mentioned, not that it would have made a difference anyway.

In an emergency I'm always happy to help out but to provide free childcare one day a week when I've got two tiny ones of my own already? I don't think so!

I'm shocked that non friends do this at school though! Wow I've got all this to come haven't I

What's not fair enough is she's asked me if I could have her baby DS as a "play date" for a whole day every week with my baby because I'm at home. As if babies even have bloody play dates. No offer of payment was mentioned, not that it would have made a difference anyway.

Bloody hell, that is seriously cheeky! What did she say when you refused!?

@Holidayshopping She gave me a talk about how she thought I'd understand being a sahm wanting some time to herself (I do!) and how I don't understand what it's like to have four (I don't and I categorically don't want to that's why I'm only having two).

She also said about how fun it'd be for the babies. Uh huh. I said it might well be (and laughed) but it wouldn't be fun for me! Plus my 3 year old just has her 15 hours funded so I'm enjoying some 1-1 time with the baby while she's at playgroup these days (and some time not having to chase around after both of them, or actually have a quiet coffee while the baby naps.....)

She's over it now but she was disappointed with me! Cheeky mare.

Give your head a wobble WeepingWillowWeepingWino. The Op is saying that even if another parent has one of her children she still has the others so she doesn't receive 'free time'.
No where does she say that she doesn't do play dates or help out her friends. She just doesn't want to be used by other parents. Regardless of how many children you have a reciprocal arrangement of play dates is fine, reciprocal being the word.

My DH is a teacher and hasn't ever been asked, our kids aren't at school yet though... I'll be interested to see who's brave enough to ask hint to him

I think you should let her know that as your eldest is doing exams this year that you are unable to do any childcare.

4cats thanks. I admit, I did take offence and along with working full time, only being able to have one child is something that gnaws at me a lot. Neither situation is of my choosing. Both have moments of being a lot shitter than I could have ever imagined (everyone I know whose kids love holiday clubs have admitted that that is because they do with their sibling(s). They admit that their DC wouldn’t want to go alone either.)

When DD has play dates with friends who have siblings (either here or at their houses) their parents tend to arrange play dates for the other siblings at the same time. Because I do only have one, I always try to return visiting children as well as collect DD to save their parents from some hassle of getting other kids in the car.

WeepingWillow you're twisting the OP's words.

Weeping, then you're clearly not one of the CFs the Op is talking about.

Yes, there really are parents like this. I have one whose idea of arranging a playdate is to text - "My child would like to hang out with yours. We are free on Wednesdays and Fridays. " And that's it! So basically inviting their kid over to mine!

You no, I’m not but the OP changed course and ... well, look, you can read the thread.

I have a very small circle of mums I talk to on the school run (3) and I would do childcare for them IF they offered to reciprocate or it was a definate one off.Im not friends with Cf's though tbh.

You’re the only one who thinks the OP changed course, Weeping. 🙄

no, I’m not but the OP changed course

No, the OP really didn’t!!

Ignore.

am I meant to be concerned that I’m not a sheep, Ivana? I’ve been around long enough not to care if I’m the only one not nodding along.

Anyways, the OP and I have settled our differences so not sure why you’re still harping on about it.

Over and out (for definite this time!)

What?? 😂😂😂

I’m a childminder but during my daughters school holidays I frequently get texts asking if so and so can come on a play date. I always say sorry no ratios won’t permit that but parents persist, I had one say “well alright I can pay you if that’s what you want” I replied the answer is still no as it would be a breach. 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️