AIBU - to refuse to have other people’s DC fobbed off in me this holiday, just because they don’t sort out their own childcare

[4catsonthesofa]

I don’t wish to sound grudging about this, but I am, to be honest. I have 4 DC if my own - one still at prep school (age 10). Predictably, on the last week of term, without fail, all the texts start to come in from mums who haven’t made proper childcare arrangements for the holidays - “x would love a play date or sleepover with your DD, so let us know what day suits.” In other words - “What day can you have my DD over and preferably can she stay the night?” When I’m inviting friends over to our home, I state just that, “When could x come over, wed live to have her?”

Last week I had seven texts from people trying to cut costs and fob their kids off . Do these people not realise how obvious it is? It’s as if they think, “Oh she’s at home anyway, I’ll get a day out if her.” Lo and behold, all the other SAHMs in the class will be having these same few DCs in the other days. I

have 3 other DC to think about who may need lifts somewhere. I hate being constrained by having to wait in for other people’s DC to arrive, or be picked up. Plus, I feel fine leaving my younger one with the elder ones if I need to pop out, but I don’t feel I should do this with someone else’s child. Then you get the nannies who want to fob the kids off on you as well, so they can go food shopping or meet their boyfriends or whatever while they get paid for it.

Apologies if this sounds like a rant. I had 4 other DC here for the afternoon when school broke at 12pm last week, which, as usual, I did as a favour because I understand it’s tricky to get out of work at that time. But AIBU to have told people that I’m not doing pre-arranged play dates this holiday as we want the days to be flexible and my eldest is revising for GCSEs. AIBU or is this a bit grumpy?

Is your Dd happy not to have her friends round?

I have always been a WOHM and have sent texts like that meaning 100% “I would like to host your child “, because my kids always enjoyed having someone else to play with and because when I took time off work over the hols it was a time I could reciprocate for the train cancellation pick-up crises.

But these people were and are my good friends. Our kids enjoy being together. If they had covered some actual childcare for me I would reciprocate by babysitting all the kids in their family at the weekend or having them all on a sleepover, so that my friend(s) got a night off.

I would book play dates with the ones your Dd would actually like to see during the holiday, and tell the others “sorry already got a busy diary and for the rest I need to keep the house quiet for revision”

I don't mind doing people favours but it would irritate me to have it dressed up as just a "playdate". Just say "look I'm a bit stuck could you have X over for a day and in return I'll take both girls out for a lovely treat at the weekend" or "I'll do the pick ups and drop offs to the next party they're all going to".

YA absolutely NBU.

This used to piss me off no end. I've had a few repeat offenders over the years that I could set my watch by.

I know someone who does this. She doesn’t even work. I do, so she knows I’ll have Sorted childcare, and she fancies a bit of free time.

It is the height of cheek. If you are a SAHM and you provide free childcare to parents who are working, they are deriving an economic benefit from your unpaid labour. You won't be getting a retirement gift from them, but their pension contributions are for life.

I had a mother cut me dead at every subsequent school event because I didn't fit into her unpaid childcare scheme. I didn't even realise that was what she was asking when she enquired what my plans were for the period that holiday club was closed! My innocent response that we were both taking annual leave so that we could have family time together clearly didn't go down well. This mother earns a six-figure salary btw.

Yes, of course I would help and support a friend who has a funeral to attend, who has just been diagnosed with a serious illness, who has a disabled child or whose relationship is breaking down. Who wouldn't? But because you want to work five days a week as a chartered accountant and palm your children off onto everyone else rather than get proper childcare? Fuck off and pay a nanny.

Above all, it needs to be a friend that I like, a child that I like and someone whom my own child wants to deepen their friendship with.

Just slow it down
Be ‘ill’ or busy , and don’t answer texts !

Teaching at a nearby school means that all the parents locally know that I'm always off during holidays, so several times I've had "could you just". And it's never the DC that my DC want to spend time with, never their actual friends (who have spent their childhoods at our house because we're happy to have actual friends over).

I used to be a complete doormat and try to please everyone. Now I use "nope, can't do that" as a total shutdown and if they repeat it, I repeat it even louder. It sinks in eventually.

I wrote a massive long post in response to those replying to my earlier post and have just decided to say that since DD has been born I’ve been:

A SAHM
A WAHM (part time)
A WOHM (part time)
And now a WOHM (full time)

And without a shadow of a doubt the last is the hardest. If we could afford to continue to sacrifice my salary, my god, I would do it in a heartbeat. I am dreading the summer holidays. But years of that salary sacrifice have come home to roost, and perhaps I’m feeling a little fragile about that right now.

Above all, it needs to be a friend that I like, a child that I like and someone whom my own child wants to deepen their friendship with.

Exactly!
In these cases I've actually offered to pick their DC up when school was closing half day, as I worked part time while my DC were in primary school.

I tended to treat them to McDonald's or Pizza hut and was happy to take one of their friends along....but they haven't assumed I'd do it.

@FudgeBrownie2019

Teaching at a nearby school means that all the parents locally know that I'm always off during holidays

I just don't get it.
Why would they think you're the summer childcare?

Have you advertised your holiday childcare business? Or they think their child is so lovable you want to spend your holiday looking after them.

In the holidays I found a range of clubs for my DC, to stop them being bored.... and I paid for them. It's par for the course when you have DC.

Some of them were super camps, Kingswood (formerly Camp Beaumont) and I used local ones.

If your employer does childcare vouchers, you can use these to pay for it. It's deducted at source, so you don't feel the pinch.

The summer camps have a full range of activities.

My Dsis teaches and has the holidays off, but I never even palmed my kids off on her, talk less of a school mum. In an emergency, I'd ask...but some pp really take the piss.

I have had years of this too. When I was a teacher, I’d constantly get requests from working mums to have their child for holidays. Some would ask me for a list of dates I could do each holiday. I like being able to help people out, but I stopped doing it when I realised these play dates were not reciprocated. One woman has never once invited my child to her house.

I have a lot of time off in school holidays now (no longer teaching) and also I’m around at school pick up a lot. I sacrificed a large salary in order to do that. So now I help my own actual friends out and also I still help out with actual friends of my kids. But I’ll not have random kids for free for parents who earn a load of money and never expect to reciprocate.

Fuck me, I had no idea trying to get the staff from your kid's school to have them in the holidays was a thing! Is this something most teachers/TAs experience?

Most bizarre all of this. The working mums should get together and do swaps between them - not rely on SAHMs. These types of things only work if there is a reciprocal benefit.

That said I don’t really understand how people let others impose on them so much - there are plenty of polite ways to decline... No way on earth would I give up my family time to look after other people’s children unless it was a very good friend or an emergency...

Fuck me, I had no idea trying to get the staff from your kid's school to have them in the holidays was a thing! Is this something most teachers/TAs experience?

Not in my experience!

The rich wouldn't be rich if they didn't try and bag a freebie, and if you don't ask you don't get. I bet this doesn't occur half as much in less affluent circles, especially the asking teachers to look after DC, bare face cheek!

Do parents actually do this

If I/DD suggested a sleep over or play thing and it was Our suggestion I would take it that would be with Us

I also wonder if Dads ever get asked or would the CFs be too scared? Is it ever men that are the CFs or just women?
I pray I don’t attract a CF. I look extremely grumpy tho so hopefully not. I’d go the extra mile for a good friend or family member but I’m going to remain suspicious of over friendly new people.

Holidayshopping

Though our daughter teaches pre-prep and is constantly invited to the children’s parties. It took two or three when she was still rather green to work out that she was basically there as free, extra childcare (and of course she felt obliged to take a gift: imagine that x20 plus each year).
She says no thank you now!

The working mums should get together and do swaps between them

Yes, this is one of the usual ways to handle school hols - you take a day of leave or work from home, and have a friend's kid/s. They do the same for you - you don't have to take as much leave.

CFs don't usually have good enough friend to be able to do this, for some reason...!

And without a shadow of a doubt the last is the hardest. If we could afford to continue to sacrifice my salary, my god, I would do it in a heartbeat. I am dreading the summer holidays. But years of that salary sacrifice have come home to roost, and perhaps I’m feeling a little fragile about that right now.

So? Sorry, I’m just wondering if you’re defending CF here?

‘The working mums’ (nicely othering phrasing there) might not have someone suitable to swap with - none of DD’s friends have 2 working parents, and they have siblings who wouldn’t want to come to ours anyway. Which is why I personally would offer financial renumberation to anyone kind enough to offer to have DD for a day - it’s not about money for me. (In fact, most of DD’s friends aren’t around for a lot of the holidays anyway.)

Ivana I’m not. Read my first post, it’s the first thing I .... oh, never mind, you clearly can’t be bothered.

The working mums comment from me was hardly othering when I’m actually one😂 And often hear my working mother colleagues cobbling together whatever childcare they can, including instigating play dates to try cover gaps. Everyone is doing their best but sometimes SAHMs do get put upon by nature of them being available, just like the OP.

You’re saying that you’d be happy to give money to someone who offered to take your dc.

But if someone offered to have your dc over to play for a bit, what you’d just say “let me give you money”?

Your scenario doesn’t make sense!

If a friend’s mum offered to have DD for a day, when I dropped her round in the morning I would give her money for the day, even if only to buy Dd and her pal some ice creams, but would try to give more.

It wouldn’t be play ‘for a bit’ because I don’t work ‘for a bit’, I work all day plus commuting. So that wouldn't be unreasonable, would it? I don’t know that she’d accept it, of course.

And I have been a SAHM!