AIBU - to refuse to have other people’s DC fobbed off in me this holiday, just because they don’t sort out their own childcare

[4catsonthesofa]

I don’t wish to sound grudging about this, but I am, to be honest. I have 4 DC if my own - one still at prep school (age 10). Predictably, on the last week of term, without fail, all the texts start to come in from mums who haven’t made proper childcare arrangements for the holidays - “x would love a play date or sleepover with your DD, so let us know what day suits.” In other words - “What day can you have my DD over and preferably can she stay the night?” When I’m inviting friends over to our home, I state just that, “When could x come over, wed live to have her?”

Last week I had seven texts from people trying to cut costs and fob their kids off . Do these people not realise how obvious it is? It’s as if they think, “Oh she’s at home anyway, I’ll get a day out if her.” Lo and behold, all the other SAHMs in the class will be having these same few DCs in the other days. I

have 3 other DC to think about who may need lifts somewhere. I hate being constrained by having to wait in for other people’s DC to arrive, or be picked up. Plus, I feel fine leaving my younger one with the elder ones if I need to pop out, but I don’t feel I should do this with someone else’s child. Then you get the nannies who want to fob the kids off on you as well, so they can go food shopping or meet their boyfriends or whatever while they get paid for it.

Apologies if this sounds like a rant. I had 4 other DC here for the afternoon when school broke at 12pm last week, which, as usual, I did as a favour because I understand it’s tricky to get out of work at that time. But AIBU to have told people that I’m not doing pre-arranged play dates this holiday as we want the days to be flexible and my eldest is revising for GCSEs. AIBU or is this a bit grumpy?

Nobody has ever even asked me if their child can come to mine for a play date, let alone for childcare!!

Some people are so cheeky!

I work full time, I am now a lone parent to 3 children under 8, but I'm a teacher and I have other working and non-working parents children over to play/ for sleepovers during the holidays because life is hard enough already without us not being prepared to help each other out.
OP sounds reasonable, and anyone is well within their right to not help out, but a lot of the comments on here are actually just nasty and the insinuation that people who 'choose' to work (I use the term loosely, most of us have no real choice in the matter) are being rude by just trying to sort some things their kids would like to do is pretty offensive.

“Ever vilified only children? Dramatic much?”

Criticised here by the OP as not understanding her position, referenced as wanting play dates for company (even if they are happy to host), many posts about an unreasonable DH meet tne question “is he an only child”, many posts about bossy toy-snatching posts enquire about or blame sole-child status. It is a constant refrain.

I have 3 kids but I can see how it is for parents of onlies.

I've been on threads in the past where sahm have been told they are sponging off their dh's, not setting a good example to their kids, not demonstrating a work ethic and my personal favourite, likened to prostitutes. It's not really surprising if, as a sahm, I don't fancy doing unpaid childcare for wohp. There's bound to be some crossover between people who have these attitudes and the CFs the OP is talking about.
I've had a couple of hints this year from women who've taken on new jobs that don't fit with the childcare available. I just ignore it. Weirdly I also had people asking me to walk their kids to school when I was a childminder - it was literally my job but they thought I'd be willing to addore kids into the mix for free

Oh and the 'X would really enjoy a playdate' always^ means CF wants their child to come to yours. Otherwise they would be clear about inviting to theirs.

I don't think your unreasonable at all... You have four children of your own which is hard enough as it is. Don't feel obliged these mothers had children and cannot expect you to foot the responsibility of having them through holidays, sounds like you have enough going on anyway. Rant away. I certainly would. Good luck 🤞

Yanbu these people are piss takers.

I’ve been struggling for childcare this time but would not dream of doing this!

I have sent that same message to Mothers of my DD friends. I don’t for one moment expect them to have my DD over to them I am inviting them to us.

As it is some parents have invited my DD to them but it certainly wasn’t expected that way.

I am in turn inviting back to mine.

I wouldn’t construe the message to say they want to come to yours.

You’re not being unreasonable, just look after your own kids. There’s nothing wrong with that at all.

I just hope you never find yourself with the shoe on the other foot & 4 kids (or any number for that matter) to juggle whilst you HAVE to work full time to make ends meet. They get 14/15 weeks a year off school.
Workers get 4/5 weeks a year off work.
So there is a good 10 weeks of the year that working parents have to juggle and fill with (expensive) child care arrangements.

This of course, does NOT mean that you have to cover them. Not your responsibility at all.

However, please go easy on the people trying to juggle and don’t judge/cast aspersions. It’s not easy.
Hopefully you’ll never have to discover that first hand.

We live rurally so every play date requires a car ride.

I’m a SAHM with 1 child and it’s a struggle to arrange other children to come here for play dates as it seems too much hassle when the other mums have more than 2 children of their own to look after and they all have grandparents around to do the childcare for them.
I almost feel like I’m begging them to let their kids come here to play.

JUST SAY NO!
So many people rant on MN about CF's - people are cheeky because people let them get away with it! Just say no!

I'm not a SAHM but people seem to think I am because I have time off during the week when I finish uni early, and haven't got work that day and people try to dump their kids with me. We have absolutely no disposable income and our meals and snacks are precision planned so they last the week with our very limited budget and I'm always expected to feed them or they ask for snacks, but never want the healthy stuff we have. Once the kids, aged 9-12, stole from us, most of a family pack of Kit Kats that OH takes to work, and crisps, when I was outside pegging washing. I didn't allow them back.
I also don't have DD on weekends as she's at her dad's and people expect me to have their kids then, that's my time to study and then I work in the evenings. It's pure cheek.

My DD is a toddler, so not even a child their own age that they could play with...

I think yours is a good contender for most outrageous anecdote so far motheroftinydragons. I'd find it hard to stay friends with someone after the 'disappointed' comment unless they apologised!

I also don't have DD on weekends as she's at her dad's and people expect me to have their kids then

Who expects it?

It’s not even a play date if you have no kids of roughly the same age, or NO kids there at all!!

I agree with everyone else BUT why not ask each one of them discretely if they're having childcare issues, if they say yes then offer to mind them for a wage. Like a zero hour contract idea... as and when. If you don't mind obviously... its either going to work two ways. They say yes and you earn some money or they say no and quit as they'll be concerned about what you think of their motives 🤫😊🤔😄

However, please go easy on the people trying to juggle and don’t judge/cast aspersions. It’s not easy.

It's entirely reasonable for the OP to be judging and casting aspirations on, for example, the person who had two nights a week free afterschool care from her for a year and who apparently thinks that wasn't enough.

I’m also one who read the text as they are inviting your child over.

Lol where on earth do you live that this is what happens!? Or maybe I just don't know about it as I'm a working parent with support from grandparents in the holidays... Do people really try and palm their kids off on other non-working parents in the holidays!!?

I am a SAHM and I will only look after someone else's DC if there is something in it for us. So, for example I did it when my DC was new to a school and was struggling to make friends. I will also help out some of my eldest DC's friends because there may be a time when I need help back. When tested, some people showed their true colours and didn't help me when needed so I never did anything for them again. I'll only invest my time in my own support network of friends where we both mutually benefit.

Sorry I may be missing something but if you receive payment don’t you need to be a qualified/registered childminder?

Apologies if I am showing real ignorance with that question.

Ad hoc looking after kids is just called babysitting, and not many babysitters are registered.

It's not as if the holiday has just sprung up from nowhere. These parents should take responsibility for their own children. A d as fir for nannies, they as you say, paid to look after the children . YADNBU. You need to stop being the "willing horse" as you will be taken advantage of even more. Tell them, no can do, you have other ongoing commitments.

Sorry to be brutal but your going to have to grow a backbone and just say NO! Seems like the other mums see you as a bit of a pushover who will bow to their every demands. If they ask again just say no, no explanation needed. No ifs no buts no coconuts!

though I believe you have the right to say that you cannot have other children there. You sound so bitter and unhappy. i know this is different to others. I wonder if you somehow feel guilty for not doing it. I would say, be strong in your stand and simply say no and that is enough. No bitterness. No judgements. Just no. I am a stay at home mum and I don't mind helping my children's friends. When I was in need these same people were there for me.

Maybe the parent struggles for childcare for a number of reasons. It is not always that they didn't organise it. Any number of things could be the reason.

I believe that it takes a community to raise children. I have helped mums and they have helped me. I try to make sure I don't take advantage and pay it forward.

A firm NO should fix it.

"But..."
"No!"
"It's just that..."
"No!"
"It's only for.."
"No!"
You owe them no explanation either.
Cfs are normally put in their places with a firm "No!"