AIBU - to refuse to have other people’s DC fobbed off in me this holiday, just because they don’t sort out their own childcare

[4catsonthesofa]

I don’t wish to sound grudging about this, but I am, to be honest. I have 4 DC if my own - one still at prep school (age 10). Predictably, on the last week of term, without fail, all the texts start to come in from mums who haven’t made proper childcare arrangements for the holidays - “x would love a play date or sleepover with your DD, so let us know what day suits.” In other words - “What day can you have my DD over and preferably can she stay the night?” When I’m inviting friends over to our home, I state just that, “When could x come over, wed live to have her?”

Last week I had seven texts from people trying to cut costs and fob their kids off . Do these people not realise how obvious it is? It’s as if they think, “Oh she’s at home anyway, I’ll get a day out if her.” Lo and behold, all the other SAHMs in the class will be having these same few DCs in the other days. I

have 3 other DC to think about who may need lifts somewhere. I hate being constrained by having to wait in for other people’s DC to arrive, or be picked up. Plus, I feel fine leaving my younger one with the elder ones if I need to pop out, but I don’t feel I should do this with someone else’s child. Then you get the nannies who want to fob the kids off on you as well, so they can go food shopping or meet their boyfriends or whatever while they get paid for it.

Apologies if this sounds like a rant. I had 4 other DC here for the afternoon when school broke at 12pm last week, which, as usual, I did as a favour because I understand it’s tricky to get out of work at that time. But AIBU to have told people that I’m not doing pre-arranged play dates this holiday as we want the days to be flexible and my eldest is revising for GCSEs. AIBU or is this a bit grumpy?

No YANU, I sacrificed a better paid job and good career in order to have the school holidays. I then found myself a job in a school and started my own business wfh. I dobt mind doing a favour for someone if they were stuck but in your case they are just taking the biscuit 🍪

Jwpetal that is a reciprocal arrangement completely different to what the Op is discussing!

It isn’t just SAHM that get this nonsense. I work at home a few days a week and I’ve had people assume I’m available to pick up and entertain their kids until whatever time they make it back from work! No thanks.....

There is one mum I’m ok with doing it for though, she is up front about it, her child is one of my DD’s best friends and it’s only occasionally, she is also very happy to reciprocate on the odd occasion i need to go in to work on a day I normally work at home - my commute can by unpredictable so it’s nice to know I’ve got the slack timewise on a day I don’t normally have contingencies in place. Same in holidays, I don’t mind her saying my child is bored, I know you’re working at home today can she come over? Helps me out actually as they play nicely and never bother me.

The cheek of people!
I organise my dds holiday childcare well in advance - May half term is sorted and I will start sorting summer hols out soon.

I work full time and have the odd school mum friend who will pick dd up in an emergency - stuck in traffic etc but I'd never dream of asking someone outright like that.

I do have a group of close friends who I would ask to sit dd but that is a two way thing as I have theirs sometimes. But that isn't regular. I don't want to use my annual leave looking after other people's children! If I do invite a child for a play date then it is usually a morning or afternoon - not a full day normally.
These parents sound ridiculously entitled.

Sorry we aren’t really free this holiday and x is revising for GCSE’s sorry!

Oh yes, I ran a home daycare when my DCs were younger, and it was amazing how many other children wanted to spend time with my children at my home when holidays hit! My reply was always the same “we’ve already made other plans for our holiday time, but X would be happy to spend time with your daughter when school starts again. Let’s work out a day and time when you’d like me to bring her over.” Funny, I never got responses to those! Or a simple, “I’m afraid we’re busy”, so they don’t try to guilt you into it.

They'll only keep doing it if you allow it. I'm at SAHM and plenty of my kids friends parents work and struggle with childcare. No one had ever asked me to watch their child. One mum moaned about how she struggles for childcare, so I just said yeah it must be hard. I wasnt sure if she was hinting or not. But I will happily say no to anyone who asks. I've got more them enough on, thanks. I invite many kids round for playdates for my kids too.

Maybe the parent struggles for childcare for a number of reasons. It is not always that they didn't organise it. Any number of things could be the reason

Yes I really struggled for childcare...that's why I decided to be a SAHM and not have to annoy and badger other people to look after my DC.

4catsonthesofa

Absolutely YANBU!
Neither are you being moany.

I probably wouldn't have any friends, but I feel like saying don't say you will look after any of their children in the holidays! Maybe if the mum was ill or her mum died or something very serious, but in general - no! Please don't be put upon!

I know I'm one of those dreadful people who is saying this because I wish I had been more assertive in the past. I really hated having to give lifts to other people's children which always meant "holding on to them" then "feeding them" and this meant of course I couldn't do anything else. With your own, we all know, we can make them come to the shop on the way home if we need to or, as I used to love doing, take them to the nature reserve with the dog and have a kind of mini picnic. But with other people's kids in tow you didn't know what time their parent was coming or there wasn't enough room in the car for the dog as well or they didn't like the dog... One used to be soaking wet with wee and smell to high heaven and didn't have spare clothes that fitted.

I really value my independence, autonomy and freedom. Tell them that! I like to be able, in the holidays, to keep everything flexible, especially as the weather is changeable.
Good Luck! Stick up for yourself! Good luck to Eldest with GCSEs!

Of course YANBU. I’m all for helping out friends when unexpected things happen, school holidays are not unexpected events - you are surrounded by CFs.

YANBU in any shape or form. You sacrifice income possibly to be there for your kids you do not have to enable other working parents lifestyle as well, unless you’re feeling saintly or get a kick out of it. In these circumstances of GCSE’s coming up in the household no way! That would be suicidal.

Purplegecko. Crikey Purple I really feel for you! If I could, I'd come round and tell those spongers where to go!
I too worked like hell while my DC were young and I had to put up with spoilt brats who demanded snacks and turned noses up at Supermarket own-label items.

I remember being taunted by a mother whose child I looked after every Saturday morning and gave lunch to, for free. I gave the my kids and her kid stuff like fish fingers and beans because I was busy and we ate our main meal in the evening. One day at this child's house, the mother had several friends there and she began saying "Elle makes wonderful lunches" and going on and on in that way, describing fish fingers, Iceland crispy pancakes - which her daughter always asked for - sausages etc. and hinting at how "common" I was but saying that my lunches were "wonderful". It was a few years ago, but I have not forgotten or recovered from the embarrassment. Yet I was kind enough to give her a free Saturday morning and part of the afternoon each week. For nothing.

My 6 and 4 year old know it’s bad manners to invite yourself to someone else’s house! (well the 6 yr old knows and the 4 yr old is learning ). I would certainly interpret these texts as invitations for your DC to come to theirs.

Among the school and nursery mums there are sometimes requests for childcare help for a specific reason like medical appointments but they are upfront and reciprocated.

I have helped mums and they have helped me. I try to make sure I don't take advantage and pay it forward.

OK, so nothing like the situation the OP is describing @jwpetal

I've had this in the past...even when other parents knew I was on maternity leave I once opened the door to a mum trying to push her 3 year old twins into the hallway ' to keep your toddler company , you're home anyway '...
I was so shocked that I almost opened the door wider...but thank God my sleep deprived self took over and I just mumbled no and closed the door.
The CF waited on the drive for a good while...tried to phone me...
I actually felt bad...crept about quietly and called nobody for a few days then came to my senses and thought fuck it..I owe no-one free childcare
You have your hands full
Say No.

Yanbu - put your foot down. I had one mum who drove her 6 year old DS to our house in the pouring rain to knock at the door while she waited in the car never got out or spoke then wound the window down ignored me and shouted how long did she say you could stay for. I had known the mum for years and thought we were quite friendly.
Another girls mum in DD’s class would get her DD to ask if she could come round to ours and various other kids houses to play then mum would call the shots as to exactly what time she was would be dropping her off at ours and what time she would pick her up. If ever I tried to suggest a different time for drop off or pick up or suggested I would pick up or drop her off she always backed out saying that didn’t work and her DD could only ever go to someone’s house if it fitted with her going into town or going to see a friend otherwise it wasn’t worth it and wouldn’t work. As she got older the girl would negotiate sleepovers where you ended up feeling the Mum was doing you and your DD a favour by having her DD to stay again this would always be to facilitate her mums night out and the girls grandad picking the child up in the morning as her mum made no secret that she would be in bed on Sunday morning. As she couldn’t cope with X when she had a hangover.

Very simply, if you wanted to be a child minder, you would be one. You are at home for your kids not others. The GCSE revision is incredibly important and stressful enough for them without a noisy house around them. Hope this makes it easier to just say “no, it doesn’t work for us”. Good luck for your kid in the exams .

Up until about four years ago me and DH worked almost full time (me from home). Every holiday, if we weren't abroad together, I would just put our two DCs in one of the very good holiday clubs in our area. Surely these mums can do that?

Regarding excuses, you don't need to be confrontational as that could lead to drama down the line. Just make something up like you're visiting relatives or have relatives staying.

There were a few mums who were famous for this at my DC's junior school. I almost admired them in a strange way as they just cut to the chase without all the faux preamble (didn't work on me though as I was busy anyway!).

YANBU. You are not a babysitting service.

I would only do this for family.

YANBU what’s with all the constant play dates these days! We never did this when I was at school. It’s too much. I don’t want to be dealing with other people’s kids all the time. Mine are all at primary. I got totally sucked in by this when my eldest started school. Providing constant holiday for a “friend” who “loved” me and my kid and her kid were “best friends”. All rubbish. Her kid started bullying mine at school so I started saying no to holiday all day play dates because my kid didn’t want to be around here anymore and he was hard work when we had him and lo and behold she didn’t want to be my friend anymore! It’s honestly not worth the stress and hassle dealing with other people’s kids. My best mates aren’t people I went to primary with. What’s with all the social engineering these days?

We a household of 2 full time working parents.

I have never once asked a friend for a play date under the guise of a “play date” we manage all our own childcare with a mixture of family, annual leave holiday clubs and nursery.

Even previously when I was on mat leave and had funerals I’ve even paid for nursery rather than ask a friend. It just takes the Michael.

If I did approach a friend to do childcare I’d ask properly and admit I needed help, offer the cost of nursery and offer to reciprocate on my next days annual leave!!

Some people are just users.

I’ve had it from the other side, I’ve had friends kids over for play dates so they can get jobs done etc and it’s never been reciprocated

No you are not being unreasonable at all. They have a cheek if they do this often.
Chuck it back at them, say it would be great if X could come over to you but I won’t be able to return the favour this time as Y is studying for gcse exams and the less people around the better as they need to concentrate.

Fuck that!
Do say... this 'great! How about tuesday? I can drop DD off at yours at x o'clock'

YANBU, especially with the GCSE revision - but I always volunteer to help out the working mums of my boy’s friends, because it means he has more fun on his holiday, I can carry on working (from home) without feeling guilty that he’s not being entertained by me, and I get to help people out. I was a single working mother for ages. It’s hard.