AIBU - to refuse to have other people’s DC fobbed off in me this holiday, just because they don’t sort out their own childcare

[4catsonthesofa]

I don’t wish to sound grudging about this, but I am, to be honest. I have 4 DC if my own - one still at prep school (age 10). Predictably, on the last week of term, without fail, all the texts start to come in from mums who haven’t made proper childcare arrangements for the holidays - “x would love a play date or sleepover with your DD, so let us know what day suits.” In other words - “What day can you have my DD over and preferably can she stay the night?” When I’m inviting friends over to our home, I state just that, “When could x come over, wed live to have her?”

Last week I had seven texts from people trying to cut costs and fob their kids off . Do these people not realise how obvious it is? It’s as if they think, “Oh she’s at home anyway, I’ll get a day out if her.” Lo and behold, all the other SAHMs in the class will be having these same few DCs in the other days. I

have 3 other DC to think about who may need lifts somewhere. I hate being constrained by having to wait in for other people’s DC to arrive, or be picked up. Plus, I feel fine leaving my younger one with the elder ones if I need to pop out, but I don’t feel I should do this with someone else’s child. Then you get the nannies who want to fob the kids off on you as well, so they can go food shopping or meet their boyfriends or whatever while they get paid for it.

Apologies if this sounds like a rant. I had 4 other DC here for the afternoon when school broke at 12pm last week, which, as usual, I did as a favour because I understand it’s tricky to get out of work at that time. But AIBU to have told people that I’m not doing pre-arranged play dates this holiday as we want the days to be flexible and my eldest is revising for GCSEs. AIBU or is this a bit grumpy?

YANBU what’s with all the constant play dates these days!

I agree it seems like a constant round of play dates and sleepovers. I sometimes feel like I am running a B&B/ cafe. While it is great for kids to see friends outside school it is hard trying to work and facilitate it all. Some parents are just not happy unless they have every bit of their DCs free time scheduled. Personally I think it is important to have some free time, to chill out and actually be bored.

Also re social engineering and interfering in friendships there is a lot of this especially with girls. It's not unknown for mums to invite one friend for lots of play dates deliberately excluding another to try and engineer them to be better friends.

I think a few decades ago children were more likely to be playing outside with other kids in the area, so there wasnt the need to organise company. We did have people round to play when I was a child in the 80s and 90s, but there was also company to be had on the road. I just knocked on for friends, or they me. My parents a generation earlier played out constantly with other children, and no arrangements from parents were needed. They were all just there.

I think also people are less likely to live near family now, so there isnt the same easy access to cousin playmates as there was.

Does everyone live in isolated areas where there are no children living locally? What happened to the idea of just going around to a friend's house to see if they can play?

Does everyone live in isolated areas where there are no children living locally? What happened to the idea of just going around to a friend's house to see if they can play?

Have you not seen the MN threads on here "oh god its so annoying billy from up the rad keeps knocking and wanting to play with my child but I want my own little family not to have any outside contact"

This is were you HAVE to do some strategic fibbing. ie: "all mine have just gone down with chickenpox/nits/scabies - sorry!"

(Delete whichever does not apply.)

IME a lot of the constant play date culture is a consequence of so many mums now being divorced and/or part of single parent families.

My DCs are now at secondary but at junior, from reception year onwards, the (many) single mums I now know were constantly planning play dates for the whole weekend and almost every day of the holidays when they weren't either visiting relatives or abroad.

It was as if they felt strange just hanging out together sometimes.

Heavens above, these uppity women who don't have a man to focus on are spending their time forging social bonds! Put them back in their box so they don't trouble proper nuclear families!

FFS some of the comments are getting silly

Another mum I lived near used to do similar things. She had a 4 yr old and a 2 year old. She used to let her 4yr old ride his bike across the access drive to our house and play on our drive and just ignore him all morning. I used to walk him back because other cars had access there. My 3yr old was scared of him - he was a thug. On taking him back one day she said could I bring my 3yr old to play with him in the afternoon as it was raining and he needed amusing? I went up to her at 2.30, she had a friend in her kitchen chatting, I said my DD is here as you asked. She hardly spoke and motioned that her son was in their living room. I went to the room which was a long way from the mother. The child was playing next to an old fashioned electric bar fire, brightly red and on. I stayed and minded the children. Later she came and looked in the room with her friend in tow and said "We are coming in now, let me know when you want me to look after your daughter again".

I just left and stopped talking to her after that. When her son appeared on our drive, which was dangerous as other cars drove across it, I told him go home. She was more than a cf, more of something too rude to write publicly. I did have the solace of learning by chance that she had a very bad reputation with other people, so that cheered me up!

I keep seeing CF all over this post, what does it mean?

CF = Cheeky Fucker

Wow -well firstly the initial text could be seen either way - perhaps they were inviting your child over.
Also I’m a bit surprised that so many are here, being a prep - almost the whole school at my kids prep decamp for Easter hols to either get the last of the skiing or the first of the sun. Nobody is still in town over Easter.
Also, those that have kids at prep are pretty well heeled and usually the few kids who are not at prep will be on weekly or day camps for cricket, tennis, art etc.
This doesn’t sound like prep behaviour in my experience and I think there are probably only a few left at home and they are just trying to be friendly.

say DC would love a play date at yours, which day suits. CF

Prep school. Don't be so nasty. People can be genuine it is you who us going unreasonable.

@TigerTooth - my kids are and have been in both independent and state systems. No difference in playdates as far as I could tell
As for always being on holidays, I doubt that unless we are talking Eton maybe. Most kids have working parents (those fees!) with only 5 weeks holidays. Prep schools have 13 weeks of holidays so the holiday equation doesn't work!

They ask because you have agreed in the past. Just say no over and over again.

It works very quickly as they hunt down other mugs. It’s not difficult and I don’t understand all the angst over it. ‘Sorry we have plans all week’. Not hard

Not at all. You have your own children to care for therefore anything outside of that then be CLEAR in stating 'occasionally' if you're willing to help out time to time. Otherwise explain you have enough to deal with and just be CLEAR about boundaries (what occasionally means!) and they understand that.

FanDabbyFloozy

@TigerTooth - my kids are and have been in both independent and state systems. No difference in playdates as far as I could tell grin
As for always being on holidays, I doubt that unless we are talking Eton maybe. Most kids have working parents (those fees!) with only 5 weeks holidays. Prep schools have 13 weeks of holidays so the holiday equation doesn't work

TBF the original text could be read either way as the texter didn’t explicitly say her DD wanted to come to the OPs house. OP could’ve easily responded with ‘what time should my DD come around? Maybe the other parent is wondering why OPs DD never comes to hers as she always automatically hosts them??

I find (and I’m not saying all) some SAHMs feel WOHMs are taking the piss for even asking the smallest favour and think the worst of them like they are serving them right for being out at work. In my experience it’s the WOHMs who look out for and help each other out in the form of reciprocal agreements. I avoid asking SAHM anything after I heard one good friend complain about a WOHM who asked her on one occasion to pick her child up and keep her for a couple of hours as she was running late. The women who asked was not a piss taker but I could almost see the ‘see, that’s what you get’ look in my friends eyes as she acted the martyr.

The women who asked was not a piss taker

Well, that rather depends on whether the person she asked was an actual friend who she speaks to on a regular basis.

Totally taking the piss!!! GCSE is your hall pass!

I just am really stunned by some parents who seem to have no guilt or shame. I've been heavily shouldering an after school club run for a few years now with one parent that can never do it for reasons I wont go into. I cant see it changing in the forseeable future due to her circumstamces and it is all just assumed now with barely a thank you. It really gets to me as I just couldnt let someone else dp something almost every week for me and not feel I needed to.repay them in any way or organise someone else to step in in.place of them.some weeks.

CF - I assumed Childcare Freeloader

Just say NO ...

And ask why they haven't sorted childcare!

I'm a SAHM can't wait for someone to ask me this shit.

Why dont you just say - "Sounds great but not sure what our plans are yet we may be going away not sure yet just waiting to see if DH can get time off work..." or "we may be going away out for the day" . Just keep it vague but don't commit or offer x