AIBU - to refuse to have other people’s DC fobbed off in me this holiday, just because they don’t sort out their own childcare

[4catsonthesofa]

I don’t wish to sound grudging about this, but I am, to be honest. I have 4 DC if my own - one still at prep school (age 10). Predictably, on the last week of term, without fail, all the texts start to come in from mums who haven’t made proper childcare arrangements for the holidays - “x would love a play date or sleepover with your DD, so let us know what day suits.” In other words - “What day can you have my DD over and preferably can she stay the night?” When I’m inviting friends over to our home, I state just that, “When could x come over, wed live to have her?”

Last week I had seven texts from people trying to cut costs and fob their kids off . Do these people not realise how obvious it is? It’s as if they think, “Oh she’s at home anyway, I’ll get a day out if her.” Lo and behold, all the other SAHMs in the class will be having these same few DCs in the other days. I

have 3 other DC to think about who may need lifts somewhere. I hate being constrained by having to wait in for other people’s DC to arrive, or be picked up. Plus, I feel fine leaving my younger one with the elder ones if I need to pop out, but I don’t feel I should do this with someone else’s child. Then you get the nannies who want to fob the kids off on you as well, so they can go food shopping or meet their boyfriends or whatever while they get paid for it.

Apologies if this sounds like a rant. I had 4 other DC here for the afternoon when school broke at 12pm last week, which, as usual, I did as a favour because I understand it’s tricky to get out of work at that time. But AIBU to have told people that I’m not doing pre-arranged play dates this holiday as we want the days to be flexible and my eldest is revising for GCSEs. AIBU or is this a bit grumpy?

Anyway, I’m going to leave this thread as I’m derailing it and like I said, I’m feeling fragile because this is my first year of being full time and all of us, me, DH and DD, are finding the holidays really really tough, far tougher than I would have thought possible in my SAH or part time working days.

Gosh! I feel guilty enough in our situation - I work full time outside the home - and have childcare sorted with the school holiday camp which we can manage the hours of for DS and DD. DS’ friends mum often asks us if he’s going on a particular camp (which has no extended hours) - and i’ve said no because we can’t do that due to work. So she has offered to have him in the morning and take him there. We take flowers, wine and chocolates to say thank you. But even though she offers (and I have never assumed it is on offer - my normal plan is to do the normal school club unless she contacts me) I still feel guilty

I should say she is a sahm. She says DS’ friend (only child) likes having him around. I just feel bad I can’t reciprocate

So have you told all the texters to get lost? How did they take it?

I don’t think this is as simple as a “working mum” v SAHM thing either. Often you find parents of single children are constantly trying to organise playdates (either at theirs or yours). It’s totally understandable, of course, but I think they don’t realise sometimes that even if they offer to have one of your DC for a few hours, it’s often more hassle for mums of multiple kids because they can very easily spend the day dropping off / picking up their various kids while their others are stuck at home. Or, with younger ones, they all have to be dragged out in the car.

Sorry I probably sound as if I’m totally anti my DC ever seeing anyone . I’m not really! We’re all pretty sociable. I can say no to people these days, but I still find the manner in which they ask quite irritating, especially as it’s so predictable. Just hire someone fgs - these are hardly families that can’t afford to. It can’t be nice for the kids to be here there and everywhere as “favours” either.

@shakespearesglobe - sounds like she genuinely wants your son to attend the same camp as her son, and is willing to accommodate the drop-off. I wouldn't worry about this at all, and I have a low bar for holiday jokers.

" I asked her to do the school run for a week, on foot, when the baby was born so I had a bit of time to recover. I had DS on the Friday, on the Monday the child turned up on my doorstep at 8.15 am, alone, saying Mum was "too tired" to walk hmm. "

You do sound irritable, OP.
All these WOHMs, parents of the ever vilified Only Child, all encroaching in your life.

Ever vilified only children? Dramatic much?

Yanbu at all op. I've either been a sahm or worked term time only for almost 12 years now and I've become very adept at completely ignoring all the very obvious hints from various people. I used to do a lot for people for a year or 2 when my eldest started school, but I soon realised that none of these favours were being reciprocated even if I explicitly asked for help with the dc if I had a hospital appointment etc.

If you keep letting people take the piss they will keep doing it.

I can't believe people are this cheeky!! Tell them to get stuffed!!

Irritable? These wohps sound like right CFs. Why should op help them? I'm presuming this is a private school as OP says 'prep'. They need to sort out their own childcare arrangements as it's nothing to do with OP.

I'm a WOHM who is fretting about how to cover the summer holiday now that DD has aged out of the previous arrangement, but I still agree that these people are cheeky fuckers.

I’ve had this from my son’s best friend’s mum . I’ll have her son over any day quite happily (and he often sleeps over ) as he’s great and tbh when they’re both here they cancel each other out in terms of neediness and attention.
I have no desire whatsoever to have her two needy girls . Yes I know it’s difficult and expensive to find holiday childcare blah blah blah which is why I work part time and don’t work school holidays . I’m damned if I’m going to be someone’s free childcare . Last time she asked I send her the name of two local childminders with a laughing emoji. I don’t give a shit if she was offended . Not my circus not my monkeys !

I sympathise with the position FT parents are in wrt holiday childcare. In some cases, the infrastructure just isn't in place for full time working parents to use, even if they can pay. And it's shit. I've been on another thread in the past couple of days discussing just that. I still don't think much of the behaviour mentioned in this thread is excusable.

Whoever brought up the male/female issue had an interesting point too. I notice there was a suggestion that working mums get together and sort childcare swaps. The children of these working mums have fathers as well.

Purple, I agree with you that you might be happy to take one child, your dc's actual friend, but then getting landed with their siblings also, that's an imposition.

You're going out on that day or expecting visitors. Not available.

Hotpot yup. Because not only am I a f/t WOHM but (and I like how the OP. Pearly said this trying to deflect away from the whole WOH thing) I have a single child.

How the parents of DD’s friends who have a SAHP and more than one child must loathe me. How they must hate my efforts to socialise DD with her pals so she doesn’t spend 6 weeks of the holidays with just me, DH or strangers at a holiday club. Damn my useless uterus and it’s failure to hang on to any more than 1 in 8 pregnancies.

I said I’d walk away but that last post of the OP’s just took the fucking biscuit. God forbid anyone ever should encroach on her family.

I work from home sometimes and one time last year a parent I knew dropped her child off ‘for a bit’ of a play with my son and picked them up at 7pm. They were working from home too but ‘needed to concentrate’ I didn’t know what was the etiquette so I just said nothing. 😂🤷🏻‍♀️

Totally get what you're saying OP but this is so easy to sort! Your point above about being tied down is a brilliant one, as are the suggestions about treating the requests as an invitation (which, if the requesters had any manners, they shoudl be!!!). Why not roll them together...

“x would love a play date or sleepover with your DD, so let us know what day suits.”

''Hi X that's so nice of you to ask. I'm not sure what we're up to yet, I'm sooo looking forward to a couple of weeks of not being tied to the house because of the school routine - we're planning to just get up when we feel like it, see what takes our fancy each day and go OUT! (X is busy revising so going to give them as much peace and quiet as we can) - but, if you've got a particular day in mind let us know and I can drop DD off at yours on our way to wherever we end up that day. That sounds great, thanks xx'

WeepingWillow you are MASSIVELY projecting here.

OP doesn’t want to be used as childcare for holidays. There’s nothing wrong with that.

Nobody is saying people can’t have play days or socialize their dc ffs!

Have you read her most recent post? In an attempt to deflect attention from the WOH/SAH aspect of it, she decides that what she really doesn’t like is parents of only children. No projecting, it’s as clear as crystal.

And sorry but you’ve said you’d happily give a parent money to have your child over. But you’d have to drop them in the morning and pick them up in the evening.

That’s not having your child over to socialize, that’s being your child minder for the day!

That’s fine if you can find someone willing or able, but there’s nothing wrong with people not wanting to do that either.

Part and parcel of working = finding proper childcare. And that’s nobody’s responsibility but the parents’!

Often you find parents of single children are constantly trying to organise playdates (either at theirs or yours). It’s totally understandable, of course, but I think they don’t realise sometimes that even if they offer to have one of your DC for a few hours, it’s often more hassle for mums of multiple kids because they can very easily spend the day dropping off / picking up their various kids while their others are stuck at home. Or, with younger ones, they all have to be dragged out in the car.

That is hating only child parents??? Yeah, you’re projecting.

Two completely different scenarios, Ivana. Because the OP had moved on from childcare and Is now talking about mere play dates with only children also being a pain in her arse.