AIBU - to refuse to have other people’s DC fobbed off in me this holiday, just because they don’t sort out their own childcare

[4catsonthesofa]

I don’t wish to sound grudging about this, but I am, to be honest. I have 4 DC if my own - one still at prep school (age 10). Predictably, on the last week of term, without fail, all the texts start to come in from mums who haven’t made proper childcare arrangements for the holidays - “x would love a play date or sleepover with your DD, so let us know what day suits.” In other words - “What day can you have my DD over and preferably can she stay the night?” When I’m inviting friends over to our home, I state just that, “When could x come over, wed live to have her?”

Last week I had seven texts from people trying to cut costs and fob their kids off . Do these people not realise how obvious it is? It’s as if they think, “Oh she’s at home anyway, I’ll get a day out if her.” Lo and behold, all the other SAHMs in the class will be having these same few DCs in the other days. I

have 3 other DC to think about who may need lifts somewhere. I hate being constrained by having to wait in for other people’s DC to arrive, or be picked up. Plus, I feel fine leaving my younger one with the elder ones if I need to pop out, but I don’t feel I should do this with someone else’s child. Then you get the nannies who want to fob the kids off on you as well, so they can go food shopping or meet their boyfriends or whatever while they get paid for it.

Apologies if this sounds like a rant. I had 4 other DC here for the afternoon when school broke at 12pm last week, which, as usual, I did as a favour because I understand it’s tricky to get out of work at that time. But AIBU to have told people that I’m not doing pre-arranged play dates this holiday as we want the days to be flexible and my eldest is revising for GCSEs. AIBU or is this a bit grumpy?

Don't be an utter mug OP. Just say No.

I was a sahm for 18 months and the cheek of people assuming you were free childcare really surprised me.

I used to respond with "We're going to x on Tuesday, come along and bring a picnic, sorry can't give lifts as the car is full" funnily enough hardly anyone still wanted a playdate when they had to provide their own lifts and food.

I should add for real friends I would happily have their kids and take them on days out with us.

Say no, that's all you need to do. I'm a teacher and had this when mine were small, 'sorry, got plans' is all you need to say. They're asking you because you keep agreeing.

I get this too! There are certain parents in my DC school that I only ever hear from if they want me to host their child for a playdate full day's childcare
Not even the slightest offer to have my two DC over in return. So, I stopped replying to the fishing texts. Funnily enough, I never heard back from Cheeky Mum again.

If you're a sahm, you're giving up your own opportunity to earn money so why the hell would you facilitate this for others?!

I'm a sahm...I make a financial sacrifice so that I don't have to scrabble around for childcare in the school holidays. Tell them that!

Excellent strategy from @MTBMummy !

I’d see those emails and reply, yes xxx would love to see xxx. Tuesday evening suits us best, what time do you want me to bring her over?

If they reply no, it’s at yours just say, oh that doesn’t work for us this holiday, as their elder xxx is revising. No worries, another time. 😁

God I’m shocked people do this. How entitled!

Yes exactly. I wouldn’t mind if they were just upfront about it.

Another friend has a nanny for her ten year old who, in the holidays, brings her own 5 and 6 year old to work with her. So the girl is bored with these toundmger ones who get in her nerves and either wants to come here or wants my DD to go there to keep her company. It’s every other day she’s asking on the chat they have between them. But she lives a few miles away and it’s London traffic, so 20mins by car, plus the nanny can’t drive so I always end up doing the drop off, even if she comes here. Then I have my elder daughter moaning because she wanted me to take her shopping or something. Really, it’s easier for me to just say to all my kids, “Right we’re all going to x today, let’s go.” It doesn’t really help if one is in a play date because all the others are here anyway.

I never once looked after other people's children and I never felt poorly about it. I had my own children, a business to run, and a house to take care of. Their childcare issues are not my concern. I also never asked anyone to watch my children. I wouldn't have dreamed of it. The cheek of these people is unbelievable.

I would absolutely reply back assuming the invitation is for a play date at their place!

YANBU - I work, and plan school holidays well in advance, a mix of DH and I working from home, annual leave and holiday programmes.

Assuming SAHM friends would provide my childcare, and not realise that I'm taking them for a ride, is laughable.

If the request is ambiguous say ‘yes, they’d love to! Do you want me to drop her to yours or will you pick up’.

And if they’re clearly asking you to take their kid say ‘lol, sorry but you’re the 5th working parent today trying to arrange a play date at ours over the holidays. I really can’t look after other people’s children in the holidays’.

They should be at least a bit ashamed.

Do NOT apologise, and there's no reason to use excuses, either. 'That's lovely, but we have plans and won't be available for childcare.x'

I can totally relate to this. It does happen!

It used to happen to me a lot when dd was in primary. She is now 16 so those days are gone! One particular mum used to corner me at the school gates with an actual print out of dates she hadn’t managed to cover (honest to God this is true) and ask me which of them I thought I could do and then she’d put my name down on the sheet!

I did agree to some of the dates for people because dd would actually enjoy seeing her friends but when it becomes an expectation it’s just so bloody rude!

I used to be a full time working mum and I never, ever dreamed of asking anyone to cover childcare for me unless it was a real emergency. I think holiday cover is something you should make plans for!

I would have one day (or whatever you are comfortable with) and have each child choose a friend to have round. That may or maybe not be the needy ones. I'd offer that day. If people want to fit in with you, then fine. If not then they make alternative plans.

And if they’re clearly asking you to take their kid say ‘lol, sorry but you’re the 5th working parent today trying to arrange a play date at ours over the holidays. I really can’t look after other people’s children in the holidays’.
A perfect response.

You need better boundaries OP

Just respond saying you are having no playdates at yours this holiday due to GCSEs and leave it at that.

Do not reply. Let the CF's move onto some other poor sap who will no doubt be a walk over. If people stopped being so obliging others wouldn't get the chance to walk all over them. If they have the brass neck to text a second time ignore or just reply 'busy, so it won't suit'. No need to explain where you are or what your plans are - even if you are sitting at home all week. Stop allowing people to think they can treat you like their child care worker by saying no every time they predictably ask you. Once you start saying no (without explanation as that will only give them a chance to come up with an alternative solution - as in take their child with you) then CF's will stop asking. If you want to engage in reciprocated play dates then that is a different matter as long as your kids get asked to friends houses in return. I'm primarily a SAHM and do not engage in supplying free childcare to anyone.

Why aren’t you saying something like “ yes DD would love to meet up, let me know what day and time to drop her off “ when you get these texts?

I get this because I work from home (freelance basis), but people assume I am available to look after kids. Nope...I'm trying to do my work around my own kids, so I won't be adding yours to the mix!

But AIBU to have told people that I’m not doing pre-arranged play dates this holiday as we want the days to be flexible and my eldest is revising for GCSEs.

YANBU.

Stick to your guns though OP. Don't give in to one because they'll all jump on you.

Maintain a firm NO, don't be wishy washy.

If you persist with a No, then they will have to move on to the next mug.

YANBU at all. How rude of them! I wouldn't use any excuses. I would just say 'no I have quite enough DC to care for with my 4'.

Doesn't it grind your gears? Generally you don't hear from these people until holidays. I don't think they realise just how many 'holiday friends' SAHP's have targetting them for childcare!

Now that my girls are older, it's their mates who want to be here - mainly for the food! Which is fine - but why is it always the mates who are picky eaters, very opinionated (e.g. reading me the riot act for having the idiocy to take neurofen for period pain), ill-mannered (doesn't even acknowledge I'm in the room to say hi when they first arrive), and are mean to the youngest?! It makes me sorely lacking in feelings of kindly hospitality!

What is wrong with these CF parents? When mine were at school my BF and i used to sit down after the previous school holidays and discuss the next one. Between us we would work out what days we could do for each other, always an equal amount, what days we could book the four DC into paid clubs for or what days we may get help from GPs and the days we covered we booked leave for. That way we managed to get the next half term or even summer holiday covered using as little leave each as possible.

It worked for years, and we knew at least six weeks in advance what was covered.

Mind you our kids all hated each other by the end of summer 😂

YANBU at all, nor grumpy - but have a heart - trying to get school holidays to work with annual leave from work is hellish. It's not necessarily about cutting costs either, it might be trying to sort something for your DC that they might actually enjoy rather than a holiday club. (Yesterday DD asked me, pretty tearfully after a day at holiday club, why she couldn't go to one of her friends instead. Obviously I would never ask, but it was pretty blood heartbreaking. And I would happily hand the money that a club cost over to any friend that offered to have her.)

Having said all that, some of the people in the OP sound very entitled which is never a good look for any reason really.