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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - to refuse to have other people’s DC fobbed off in me this holiday, just because they don’t sort out their own childcare

300 replies

4catsonthesofa · 09/04/2019 15:11

I don’t wish to sound grudging about this, but I am, to be honest. I have 4 DC if my own - one still at prep school (age 10). Predictably, on the last week of term, without fail, all the texts start to come in from mums who haven’t made proper childcare arrangements for the holidays - “x would love a play date or sleepover with your DD, so let us know what day suits.” In other words - “What day can you have my DD over and preferably can she stay the night?” When I’m inviting friends over to our home, I state just that, “When could x come over, wed live to have her?”

Last week I had seven texts from people trying to cut costs and fob their kids off . Do these people not realise how obvious it is? It’s as if they think, “Oh she’s at home anyway, I’ll get a day out if her.” Lo and behold, all the other SAHMs in the class will be having these same few DCs in the other days. I

have 3 other DC to think about who may need lifts somewhere. I hate being constrained by having to wait in for other people’s DC to arrive, or be picked up. Plus, I feel fine leaving my younger one with the elder ones if I need to pop out, but I don’t feel I should do this with someone else’s child. Then you get the nannies who want to fob the kids off on you as well, so they can go food shopping or meet their boyfriends or whatever while they get paid for it.

Apologies if this sounds like a rant. I had 4 other DC here for the afternoon when school broke at 12pm last week, which, as usual, I did as a favour because I understand it’s tricky to get out of work at that time. But AIBU to have told people that I’m not doing pre-arranged play dates this holiday as we want the days to be flexible and my eldest is revising for GCSEs. AIBU or is this a bit grumpy?

OP posts:
Margot33 · 09/04/2019 17:32

Just say, "sorry we 're busy this holiday, hope you have a lovely break" I'm a sahm so get this sometimes too! People can't make you do anything! Just say no!

BangingOn · 09/04/2019 17:35

I can’t believe how many CF parents there are.

DH and I both work full time and so chose a school for DS with excellent wrap around and holiday club provision. We don’t have family locally but do have good friends with children in the same class who are in a similar situation so we are always each other’s emergency cover. It is just that though- emergency cover- not daily childcare provision and it is reciprocal.

RomanyQueen1 · 09/04/2019 17:35

it was always the same for me. I'd have best friends over for a day as those parents reciprocated and weren't looking for childcare.
I refused the cf who weren't even close friends of my dc.
Gosh, if you can't afford childcare don't work, it's as simple as that and what many of us had to do.

theOtherPamAyres · 09/04/2019 17:35

Frankly, I'm always wary of taking on other people's children and I resent being used. A couple of hours - maybe. All day - never.

It's like someone thinking that just because I've got a washing machine, they can drop off their laundry and I'll put it in the wash with my own. Nah. Not having it.

AlexaAmbidextra · 09/04/2019 17:35

Never understood the reluctance to help other people out. These children are ten it’s no trouble at all to have an extra ten year old or two.

Oh look OP. No doubt someone will be along soon to tell you that you’re being unkiiind!

SoftBlocks · 09/04/2019 17:36

So presumptuous of people to expect others to facilitate their work for free!

SoyDora · 09/04/2019 17:39

trying to get school holidays to work with annual leave from work is hellish

Yes. I can imagine it is. That’s why we chose to sacrifice an income to have a SAHP.
Yes it’s nice to help people out. I do help out my working friends with childcare. They don’t seem to reciprocate by helping me out with some of their wages though!

Holidayshopping · 09/04/2019 17:42

Never understood the reluctance to help other people out. These children are ten it’s no trouble at all to have an extra ten year old or two.

Good for you if you don’t mind sharing entire holidays providing free childcare for people who can’t be bothered to organise and pay for it themselves. Not something I fancy though!

Maybe you should leave your address up on Facebook for anyone who fancies dropping their kids over?

SoftBlocks · 09/04/2019 17:45

These children are ten it’s no trouble at all to have an extra ten year old or two.

Some people live in small flats.

mbosnz · 09/04/2019 17:48

These children are ten it’s no trouble at all to have an extra ten year old or two.

Some people live in small flats.

And some ten year olds are utterly vile.

Oblomov19 · 09/04/2019 17:50

More fool you for having put up with it before!

harajukubabe · 09/04/2019 17:50

I hear you Op. it's annoying to look after other people's kids all the time and for others to expect you will do this.
At the same time, what about the concept of 'it takes a village' to bring up kids.

What if these mums offered money for u to look after the kids?

CaptainButtock · 09/04/2019 17:52

Years ago when I was pregnant with dc1 and pondering on whether I could go back to work afterwards, I remember asking a friend about this (she had 2 school age kids already)
Me: How on earth do people manage to work when they have kids and the kids have school hols?
Her: They take the piss out of other people.

Never forgotten that. She had seen it all.

ShinyRuby · 09/04/2019 17:54

My CF radar was always on high alert for this as I had school holidays off. I just used to pretend I was extremely bad at picking up hints but in reality I'd be fuming. I could never spend any quality time with my own children during term time when working full time in a school. Never pick them up or drop them off as I was at work caring for other children, rarely saw assemblies, sports days etc. Also had to sort out childcare for term time with little offer of help. The school holidays were MY holiday & my time with my dc but people were surprised I didn't want their children too especially as I was a professional too so must want other kids 24/7. You are definitely definitely not BU.

mbosnz · 09/04/2019 17:57

Is it 'it takes a village to raise a child' - or is it 'it takes a village to warehouse them'?

Springwalk · 09/04/2019 17:59

Op I had ( And still do but I am getting much better at dealing with it) this relentlessly for five years. The same parents literally door stepping me to force me to look after their dc. They would text, then start calling my mobile over and over again, and then start on the house phone when I ignored the messages. It was hideous, and I felt very hounded.

I started block booking weeks that I just refused to do any play dates. I like to do a few, but some are exhausting.
The last time I had only just come out of hospital after major surgery. The mother in question called and called, at last getting through to my dh who was looking after me, and when she found out I was out of action she asked HIM to look after her dd!!!!! Shock
At no point did she even offer to look after my dc or ask how I was!

I think it’s getting worse as the years have gone by. Some parents will stop at nothing.

‘Sorry we can’t make that week’ usually does the trick. No explanations. Don’t answer the phone!

Op it gets easier when the dc are older and can be left at home all day, that said I still have this now with some parents and dd is now 14! I am truly sick of it!

Home77 · 09/04/2019 17:59

I think the village thing is more about extended family and people of all ages playing a role to be honest. rather than this.

eddielizzard · 09/04/2019 18:02

Such a piss take. I'd text back and say 'DD would love to come to yours! What time shall I drop her?'. I'd force her to admit that it's because she's got no childcare. And then I'd ask her why she never seems to organise it. What a CF.

IvanaPee · 09/04/2019 18:02

That it takes a village attitude is a load of shite!

It doesn’t take a village. It takes responsible parents.

I work from home so have this to a lesser degree as for the most part people do acknowledge that I’m actually working.

But I’ve had more than one request to pick up kids for school/from school/“hang on to them for a little while.”

I don’t like being responsible for other people’s children.

I work from home so that I don’t have to organize childcare for when they’re off.

I’m sure as shit not giving up family time and being restricted in what we can do because someone else can’t or won’t sort themselves out.

I started ignoring requests until it stopped. Literally didn’t respond even if the request was to my face. I’d completely change the subject and refuse to acknowledge the question.

Because polite refusals were nearly always met with cajoling or a pity party that I was supposed to listen to.

Just fuck off!

Home77 · 09/04/2019 18:03

Do they not have childcare provision? Our school runs holiday clubs, also the local nursery and there are sports clubs etc. Apart from my CF 'friend' no-one else has been cheeky like this. The most we get now is occasional emails to all the class parents saying their child is doing certain clubs and activities in case other children want to join also..which is fine by me.

Ilikeslippers · 09/04/2019 18:03

Are all of these people being cheeky fuckers? Some of them just sound like people trying to make sure their kids have someone to play with.
It's not like in my day when the kids just called on the kids in their neighbourhood and the parents could keep out of it. Now it all has to be bloody arranged with parents.

I mean your first text 'x would love a playdate' I send texts like this - I don't expect people to take my kid - I'm offering to take theirs!

YOu seem to be mixing people who just want their kids to play with friends with cheeky fuckers.

SoupDragon · 09/04/2019 18:03

or is it 'it takes a village to warehouse them'?

What does that mean?

blackteasplease · 09/04/2019 18:03

Some people are unbelievably cheeky!

I've been a wohp most of my kids life and would never dream of doing this. Used a mix of paid childcare (alot), divorced now so split the hols and also grandparents have kindly helped (not exIL so much now as older).

I don't like to accept favours from people as I know I can't really reciprocate. Quite like doing playdate when I can but that's because I've invited the kids!

Holidayshopping · 09/04/2019 18:04

I have to say, I’m a term-time worker and have never been asked!

I do plenty of play dates-it’s just that I ask the children that my child wants to come round -it’s totally unconnected to anyone’s childcare cock ups.

mbosnz · 09/04/2019 18:07

or is it 'it takes a village to warehouse them'?

What does that mean?

That actually, quite frankly, what is often paramount in the asking parent's mind, is schuffing their child off with minimal effort and outlay.

Regardless of whether the child actually likes the other children, whether they're going to have a good time or not, or whether they are genuinely welcomed and wanted or put up with because the parent who ends up minding them couldn't find a way to say 'no' that the CF parent couldn't find a way to undermine or override.

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