AIBU - to refuse to have other people’s DC fobbed off in me this holiday, just because they don’t sort out their own childcare

[4catsonthesofa]

I don’t wish to sound grudging about this, but I am, to be honest. I have 4 DC if my own - one still at prep school (age 10). Predictably, on the last week of term, without fail, all the texts start to come in from mums who haven’t made proper childcare arrangements for the holidays - “x would love a play date or sleepover with your DD, so let us know what day suits.” In other words - “What day can you have my DD over and preferably can she stay the night?” When I’m inviting friends over to our home, I state just that, “When could x come over, wed live to have her?”

Last week I had seven texts from people trying to cut costs and fob their kids off . Do these people not realise how obvious it is? It’s as if they think, “Oh she’s at home anyway, I’ll get a day out if her.” Lo and behold, all the other SAHMs in the class will be having these same few DCs in the other days. I

have 3 other DC to think about who may need lifts somewhere. I hate being constrained by having to wait in for other people’s DC to arrive, or be picked up. Plus, I feel fine leaving my younger one with the elder ones if I need to pop out, but I don’t feel I should do this with someone else’s child. Then you get the nannies who want to fob the kids off on you as well, so they can go food shopping or meet their boyfriends or whatever while they get paid for it.

Apologies if this sounds like a rant. I had 4 other DC here for the afternoon when school broke at 12pm last week, which, as usual, I did as a favour because I understand it’s tricky to get out of work at that time. But AIBU to have told people that I’m not doing pre-arranged play dates this holiday as we want the days to be flexible and my eldest is revising for GCSEs. AIBU or is this a bit grumpy?

That depends on the ten year old surely?

OP has actually explained what trouble it would be, though. She probably is best qualified to assess this.

I'm all for helping other people out in genuine need eg an emergency. Taking tbe piss is another matter. Also 10 year olds can be alot of extra work and noise, not suitable when a teenager is studying.

I don't mind helping out actual friends. Chancers, not so much.

These children are ten it’s no trouble at all to have an extra ten year old or two.

It is to some. And some cannot afford to feed another mouth, either, because they don't work outside the home and so their budget is limited. Or they want to take off and don't have room in the car. Or they want to leave their own 10-year-old with the older teen siblings and pop out to the shops or something.

Never understood the reluctance to help other people out.

Never understood people who don't organise paid childcare over holidays for their kids because they think they're entitled to free 'help'.

This would be my worst nightmare.

I work full time and so are arrange holiday clubs/leave etc to cover the holidays. I would never dream of asking a sahp to do that.

To be honest I generally don't like play dates. We don't have a great deal of family time and my two are 6 and 8. I would feel obliged to invite them back at a weekend and would resent losing that time.

I agree that you should 'graciously accept' their offer and suggest a day for yours to go there. If you've had them before and I would even follow it up with some twaddle about how you appreciate them returning the favour from before (in some breezy sort of way) - I bet you don't hear from them in the summer.

What did you reply OP?

I used to share child care in the holidays, but it was always reciprocal and organised in advance. As long as it is fair, it is fine. But people shouldn't take advantage.

It very much depends on the ten year old, and the parents. And how much it's going to cost you in terms of food and entertainment and whether the other parent never quite remembers to think to offer to contribute. And how well those kids get on with your kids. And how much it impacts on what you were planning to do with your kids. And whether they're the kind of parent that will drop off at 7am and go out for drinks after work, and not show up to pick them up until 9.30pm. . .

And whether they're the kind of parent that is permanently taking sneery potshots at SAHP's in front of an SAHP while still hitting you up for free child care, and clearly thinking it is their right and your duty to provide it, because they're a WOHP, and you're a pisstaking SAHP who bludges off her husband and doesn't contribute to society like SHE does - oh, and her child made your daughters last three years at school a misery . . .(okay, okay, I might have someone specific in mind there. . .)

Some ten year olds I know are...well quite hyper and hard work to be honest.

This reminds me of a 'friend' at primary who took a job knowing that it finished after school pick up with the idea I'd help, without even asking - and would ring me every day at pick up to 'hold onto' their child despite me also having a young toddler as well...I stopped taking the calls and she gave me a hard time that their DC had to wait at the office. We then had a school newsletter telling parents to arrange childcare and use the after school club and not leave children with the office- i knew it was her.

We never heard anything from either of them at the end of Primary. Looking back I wished I had known what people can be like and stopped it straight away, as such people go on to think you will do it all the time.

Plus 10 year olds have a tendency to snack constantly which obviously costs. May not seem much but it would add to an already limited budget considerably

It does happen . I just say we aren’t free - I don’t mind if it’s a close friend of my children so much - but most often it’s someone who my kids find hard work and aren’t particularly friendly with .

And yes having a ten year old and a teen means you may judge that you can nip out whereas you can't if you have responsibility for someone else's ten year old.

Thankyou for all the responses. Normally I’m quite flexible, but in the case of the mum who wanted me to pick up her DD every day from school and “just hold into her” until “4 ish”, I did wise up. I was doing it two days a week and the nanny was always late. She used to come 4.45 ish and we were home at 4pm. It’s just little things like providing an extra snack, not being able to have the one-to-one chat with my youngest before the others get home; extra bags and stuff. Little things, but when you add it up, I was essentially providing free childcare to her for at least two hours a week. That was for a year. Sometimes you don’t even want to go straight home, you may need to go via the shops or to an appt, or if your DD is home sick you have to remember to organise something else. Plus she wasn’t even one if DD’s good friends and still isn’t. When I told her I could no longer do it (I said I had to go straight to my son’s school one day and DD had a club on the other), this mum asked if I could text around to help her find someone else and when everyone declined, she said to me, “Well what are we going to go?” “We” meaning me included! This woman harangues everyone every holiday and I know for a fact her DD is at somebody’s house every day this week from 8am, bar one day when she’s at a sports camp. This has been going on right through primary and now they’re in Year 6.

I work full time and use holiday clubs. I would never dream of asking other parents to look after my DC. Interestingly I have dealt with CF, one thinking as I was on maternity leave I could pick her DD up even though my own DC was at an after school club, or someone else that wanted me to have their two DC for a whole day on a saturday starting at 7am-8pm because they had a big work commitment, someone who wanted their DC to come to mine for a playdate during the holiday at 7am in the morning and they would collect at 7pm the list goes on....answer was no....I am not responsible for someone else's inability to manage their DC school holidays....I have 4DC and get on with it.........so those saying get a heart....really? I work full time and value my time with my DC and plan accordingly and those who are a SAHM are busy too there not sat around twiddling their thumbs waiting to offer out free childcare

And yes this child used to walk out if school and say “What snack have you got?” When she comes to our house she opens the cupboards!

A friend ended up having her when she had just got home from hospital after giving birth!

She clearly mistook you for her employee!

Also, from the child's point of view, this is a rubbish thing to do. My parents used to do it with me, and I still remember the horrible feeling of it. they used to get me to run down for a lift to school with a friend's parents (who had invariably already left) and let me run round there to play all the time without asking if it was OK, and the other parents used to get me to ring home to ask them to come and collect me. I used to feel pretty crap a lot of the time about this stuff and not really understand it. It's not fair on the children imo.

YANBU Some people absolutely take advantage if you let them. I once had a parent who regularly asked me to have her DC after school for and sleepovers because she was working. I helped out because she said struggled with childcare. It turned out she was going to the gym or seeing friends. Another one would call me at least once a week to pick her DC up and 'just hang on to them until she got home'. When I pointed out that she should use the after school club if she needed regular childcare she never spoke to me again.

my DC want to have a friend over then it is for them to decide who to invite and when. It is unfair iyour DC

Its the equivalent of me as a sahm asking a working mum for money.

My thoughts exactly!

We have had to make huge financial sacrifices in order to facilitate me being a SAHM so why would I provide a service for free? I'm happy to help in emergency situations such as if a friend ends up in hospital etc but not everyday childcare.

I actually enjoy being able to spend time with both my boys together in the holidays so I always tell people I'm too busy. YANBU OP

Apologies posted too soon

This drives me mad. I purposefully do a low paid school hours job to avoid having to sort childcare for my own children, so many friends seem to think it's also so they don'y have to sort childcare for their children whilst doing their highly paid full time jobs.

I work with children 8:45-3:30, dealing with other people's children out of work as well just feels like an unpaid extension to my working day. I also want to be free to be spontaneous, nip to the shops, visit family etc. without having to factor in drop off, pick up, feeding of other people's children.

I still do it though, because I'm a mug and feel like a mean horrid friend if I say no. They offer to have my children back in return, but the fact is I don't need that, and normally they're only offering to have one, not all three, so I'd still have two at home to look after so not like I'm then free to go to hairdressers or doctors or whatever.

So, anybody reading this who does use friends as free childcare, it's highly likely that even if they smile politely and say they don't mind they actually do, and resent you for taking advantage.

I can’t believe you know this many CF!

Stop having any of them at any time-they will soon learn that there’s no point asking you. Please enjoy your holidays with your kids doing what you want to do-don’t be such a doormat.

And if they’re clearly asking you to take their kid say ‘lol, sorry but you’re the 5th working parent today trying to arrange a play date at ours over the holidays. I really can’t look after other people’s children in the holidays’

This. I would even I’d say ‘don’t want to’ rather than ‘can’t!’

I can’t believe you know this many CF!

@Holidayshopping - no, what's unbelievable is that there are this many CF's!

Just say no. Tell them to arrange their own child care. If they don’t like it they can lump it.