AIBU - to refuse to have other people’s DC fobbed off in me this holiday, just because they don’t sort out their own childcare

[4catsonthesofa]

I don’t wish to sound grudging about this, but I am, to be honest. I have 4 DC if my own - one still at prep school (age 10). Predictably, on the last week of term, without fail, all the texts start to come in from mums who haven’t made proper childcare arrangements for the holidays - “x would love a play date or sleepover with your DD, so let us know what day suits.” In other words - “What day can you have my DD over and preferably can she stay the night?” When I’m inviting friends over to our home, I state just that, “When could x come over, wed live to have her?”

Last week I had seven texts from people trying to cut costs and fob their kids off . Do these people not realise how obvious it is? It’s as if they think, “Oh she’s at home anyway, I’ll get a day out if her.” Lo and behold, all the other SAHMs in the class will be having these same few DCs in the other days. I

have 3 other DC to think about who may need lifts somewhere. I hate being constrained by having to wait in for other people’s DC to arrive, or be picked up. Plus, I feel fine leaving my younger one with the elder ones if I need to pop out, but I don’t feel I should do this with someone else’s child. Then you get the nannies who want to fob the kids off on you as well, so they can go food shopping or meet their boyfriends or whatever while they get paid for it.

Apologies if this sounds like a rant. I had 4 other DC here for the afternoon when school broke at 12pm last week, which, as usual, I did as a favour because I understand it’s tricky to get out of work at that time. But AIBU to have told people that I’m not doing pre-arranged play dates this holiday as we want the days to be flexible and my eldest is revising for GCSEs. AIBU or is this a bit grumpy?

Plus 10 year olds have a tendency to snack constantly which obviously costs. May not seem much but it would add to an already limited budget considerably

This! My pre-teen son has a hollow leg! Whenever my 14-year-old daughter's friend is over round tea time I always make something in big portions like pasta or chilli or big jacket spuds and offer to have him for tea. He's a lovely boy who always compliments my cooking and he's welcome to seconds, which he definitely eats! And between my 14-year-old and 16-year-old a large packet of cocktail sausages is gone in minutes.

An extra hungry child would have to be factored into the shopping budget.

My sister is a teacher with adult children and still gets approached by CF parents asking her to look after their kids for free during the holidays! A simple, 'I'm not available for childcare during the holidays, you'll need to make other arrangements,' repeated over and over until the message sinks in. As it is, many teachers have to work some of the days in holidays and she also does a lot of professional development work during the summer.

Is it 'it takes a village to raise a child’

Again, we have sacrificed a salary for me to be at home. I help out friends who work when they struggle with childcare. They don’t help me out with a share of their salary though!

(Oh, and to be clear, I've been a full time working parent who had to sort out child care, and also the SAHP who was more than happy to look after kids in case of genuine friend's emergencies, or when the children genuinely were good friends with mine).

I think GCSE, quiet house, child needs help with revision etc are your get out of jail cards.

Have a friend who does this. Offloads her kid for the week she’s working but then on her week off, she won’t have anyone else’s children. Rude.

I was emergency contact for 2 parents per each of my children at their schools.
I'd collect if ill etc, cover snow days and inset. it was amazing how many people presumed I'd have theirs because I offered two friends.
Tbh, they have enough friends to play with during the school terms.
Holidays were family time for us, not other peoples childcare.

I was signed off work for a few months without an MS relapse SIL asked me if I could have my DN and drop her to village school I said ok thinking it was a one off. SIL dropped my DN at 6.30am (this was not mentioned in initial request) meaning despite being ill I had to get up early, dress drop DN to school then crawl back into bed. I thought it was a one off, but apparently saying yes once meant I was expected to do it for the entire 3 months! Same as a neighbour in who’s DD mine played with, could I look after her one day after school as she’d was going to be late home, I said no problem anything to help, the following week same day, the child knocked on my door and asked if I’d forgotten her? I was a bit flummoxed! Turns out her DM had assumed that I had agreed to look after her every week on that day! She was told in no uncertain terms not to take the piss!

I have always WOH, but pt until dd was 9. I had this too (as usual some repeat offenders). Sometimes I thought I had MUG tatooed on my forehead. TBH now I work ft and both dcs are at secondary school it is one of the things I miss least.

I'm reading this with interest because I think I am about to have this problem with a friend (who has accepted a new role within the company she works for with different hours) and that I will be first port of call for any pick ups from school when her DD is ill, and also for childcare for days she hasn't managed to cover over the summer.

I am close to her and she would probably genuinely think I'd want to help, but like many PP, I just don't! And if I did have her DD occasionally I'd want it to be on my terms and when convenient. I don't want to pick up an ill child, and this particular girl isn't one of the children who are no trouble- she is loud and wants to be constantly entertained. DD finds her wearing after a while and wouldn't be happy for this girl to be sprung on her at a moments notice. I also have a much younger child to consider.

My problem is, and what I'd welcome advice on, is a way to say no when put on the spot that's not too blunt or hurtful because I am fond of her.

I need to be prepared

I was signed off work for a few months without an MS relapse SIL asked me if I could have my DN and drop her to village school I said ok thinking it was a one off. SIL dropped my DN at 6.30am (this was not mentioned in initial request) meaning despite being ill I had to get up early, dress drop DN to school then crawl back into bed. I thought it was a one off, but apparently saying yes once meant I was expected to do it for the entire 3 months!

See, I would have no problem saying-‘WTF, I agreed to do this once, no way am I doing it more than that!!’

Always baffled by these OPs

So fiery in their OP. So indignant. So clearly feeling wronged and put upon.

And yet in real life they must be as quiet as a church mouse!

I have to admit majority of my childcare for DD(12) this easter is friends having her....BUT mostly it is swaps so one friend comes for a sleepover when her parents want a night out and in return they have my DD usually 1 or 2 day of hols. Another mum wfh and offered for my DD to go over.

Orangefloat, how about saying 'it's an awesome opportunity - have you got emergency care sorted? Is DP (if she has one) fully supportive and going to be doing his full share?'

The thing is, I do totally understand that working parents need to be organised ahead when it comes to holidays. But, for my part, I generally see holidays as a chance to be spontaneous and go with the flow. So when they text in late March and say, “Is your DD free on 10th April 10-3?” I’ve got no idea really and don’t really want to commit to this. And the fact that it’s specified hours annoys me. What often happens is they will angle for their DD to come to us one day (which makes everyone more housebound) and then if they do reciprocate, but only because their DD is bored with a nanny so it takes the emphasis away from that. I do sympathise, but really it’s not my problem. I’ve got enough on. Then you still end up having to pick up and drop off at set times. I don’t know why, but I’ve felt harassed these last few days. DD just wants to be home anyway. I told everyone I can’t commit to anything this week as we’re not that well and next week we “may” be away. Now I feel I might be spotted round and about!

Have you replied OP?

I am another who thinks you should reply as if she is asking your dd for a playdate.

This is why I am a miserable bugger and offer childcare swaps.

@Holidayshopping I felt so rough at the time I just cba to argue or get into discussions, my family can’t grasp how bad I can feel and seem to think it’s like a cold and a few days in bed I’ll feel ok again (still like it now) funnily enough rarely hear from SIL now DN is at senior school and more self sufficient

Maybe instead of making excuses just say I don;t commit in the holidays / like to go with the flow/ especially with exam revision etc, if you feel guilty and need to not be spotted etc! Sounds a nightmare. Or just the vague 'got plans'. Plans can be simply doing nothing!

People really are CF's. I don't mind at all helping my friends out and there are two I help regularly BUT it's reciprocal and I know that I can rely on them too if I need it. It's absolutely fine. I did have an issue with one mother though who didn't drive and I agreed to take her DD to school with mine. Not a problem until I had DS and I asked her to do the school run for a week, on foot, when the baby was born so I had a bit of time to recover. I had DS on the Friday, on the Monday the child turned up on my doorstep at 8.15 am, alone, saying Mum was "too tired" to walk . Guess who lugged her sore bod and a newborn into the car to take the two girls to school? I ended that arrangement shortly after.

this mum asked if I could text around to help her find someone else and when everyone declined, she said to me, “Well what are we going to go?”
“We” meaning me included!

I really really don't mean to be harsh, but you allow these mums to take the piss.

If another mum tried to make childcare for her child my problem, I'd be very clear that responsibility lies with her.

I've always worked and used childminders or after school clubs when my DC were younger.

I never depended on or expected other parents to pick up my children.

There are parents who take advantage and those who are way too soft. They know you fall in the second category.

I've got a friend like you. It annoys me when she gets used, but I saw the perfect opportunity to let her know. Her DD and mine are friends and her DD was telling mine how it upsets her that ppl use her DM and she would never be like that.

I told my friend her overly kind nature (aka being a mug) was noticed by her DD. I give her some tips, but she's not assertive enough and the only thing she followed through on was ignoring calls from 2 particular piss takers.

It's infuriating and I'm not the one who gets used, but it does have an impact on your DC too.

Go out and about and to hell with anyone who may notice. But really there is no need to make excuses at all, simply say no, that doesn't suit me and ignore further requests/suggestions if they persist.

Ah the CF parents, we had one of those. She NEVER organised childcare for her daughter and would constantly ask for one of us to look after her. I told her no, she started relying on one in particular of the other mums who was far too nice. She wouldn't say no even though it was a massive hassle logistically, I ended up telling CF mum to sort her own childcare and stop taking the piss. Not sure if she did as school ended shortly after but she really thought no one would say anything to her! She was so brazen it was unreal. You don't mind helping out if someone has no way around it but every week, at least 2 days, after school and the holidays! Piss take

I'm usually happy to have extra DC in the holidays.

But only my DC's actual friends who they actually want to see.

I used to get this all the time when ours were small. I gave up a bloody good salary for 6 years so that we didn't have to worry about childcare and so that I could spend gorgeous lazy days with my own DC.
No way was I providing free childcare for half the school
Just say no OP! No excuses no explanations requied, just "No".
If you really must elaborate you could add "No, that doesn't work for us".

ilikeslippers If you would like your child to play with other children - fine - you invite those children to YOUR home for a play date, and you put the effort in. You don’t push your dc on other people with open ended texts ‘dd would love a playdate’ or worse inviting yourselves. Using good manners, and being a good example to your children, you wait to be invited!