AIBU - to refuse to have other people’s DC fobbed off in me this holiday, just because they don’t sort out their own childcare

[4catsonthesofa]

I don’t wish to sound grudging about this, but I am, to be honest. I have 4 DC if my own - one still at prep school (age 10). Predictably, on the last week of term, without fail, all the texts start to come in from mums who haven’t made proper childcare arrangements for the holidays - “x would love a play date or sleepover with your DD, so let us know what day suits.” In other words - “What day can you have my DD over and preferably can she stay the night?” When I’m inviting friends over to our home, I state just that, “When could x come over, wed live to have her?”

Last week I had seven texts from people trying to cut costs and fob their kids off . Do these people not realise how obvious it is? It’s as if they think, “Oh she’s at home anyway, I’ll get a day out if her.” Lo and behold, all the other SAHMs in the class will be having these same few DCs in the other days. I

have 3 other DC to think about who may need lifts somewhere. I hate being constrained by having to wait in for other people’s DC to arrive, or be picked up. Plus, I feel fine leaving my younger one with the elder ones if I need to pop out, but I don’t feel I should do this with someone else’s child. Then you get the nannies who want to fob the kids off on you as well, so they can go food shopping or meet their boyfriends or whatever while they get paid for it.

Apologies if this sounds like a rant. I had 4 other DC here for the afternoon when school broke at 12pm last week, which, as usual, I did as a favour because I understand it’s tricky to get out of work at that time. But AIBU to have told people that I’m not doing pre-arranged play dates this holiday as we want the days to be flexible and my eldest is revising for GCSEs. AIBU or is this a bit grumpy?

“x would love a play date or sleepover with your DD, so let us know what day suits.”

I'd have to go with "That's lovely, thanks, Saturday is great, I'll drop X off at 12pm. I'll look forward to collecting late Sunday afternoon"

Weeping - I think sahms would “have a heart” if the difficulty was put to them honestly rather than theft of time/energy by stealth

It can happen as much as it does, but you can always say no. I've also been approached/cornered in school yards by people with sheets. 'I haven't covered these dates, which one can you take?' 'None. I don't provide holiday childcare. Bye!' and off you go. Yep, it's that easy when you're not a wally. Always said no, we have plans/not available for holiday childcare/not around for any of those times, maybe later. No excuses, no apologies, no hints, no passive aggression, no need to be rude, just, well no.

There's nothing wrong with asking for playdates, but I suspect OP has got a nose for the ones who are just angling for free childcare by now. The fact that one of them had free after school care off you for ages OP is kind of telling!

That said, proceed as though this is a genuine invitation. Say yes that'd be great, invitation is very welcome as eldest is revising so we aren't having house guests. What day would you like her to come? Then see what the response is.

"trying to get school holidays to work with annual leave from work is hellish."
I suspect this issue factor's heavily into a lot of sahms' decisions to be a sahm.

Weepingwillow, if we were friends, or our kids were friends, and you said that, I'd be more than happy to have your daughter for a few days!

It's when it's people who don't want to know you from one inset day to the next are wanting/expecting/demanding you look after their kids, and particularly when you know that dear little Sophy who just ADORES your wee Anna and simply HAS to spend lots of time with her in the holidays, is actually a rotten little perisher to your Anna who is absolutely terrified of that dear wee Sophy that it can be very hard to 'have a heart'. In fact it can be very hard not to have a cow.

There are some crazy cheeky people out there!

People with sheets is a new one on me.

I would reply with, yes that'd be great actually as xx is studying for GCSEs so needs a quiet house, what time shall I drop off.

Some people are so rude!!

trying to get school holidays to work with annual leave from work is hellish

I'm sure it is. That's why I live on a very tight budget, so I can be a sahm. I do that for my own families benefit, not to facilitate other people earning money.

It’s infuriating isn’t it!

A few years back I had a message from my sil asking when I was going on maternity leave as she wanted to cut down her nursery costs, and of course as I was ‘free’ I’d be delighted to pick up the slack

She got told how far to fuck off!

How do you know it wasn’t an invite to their house? Totally how I read your example messages....

Weeping I'd have taken your daughter if she was a good friend and it had fitted in with our plans. I think it's ok to ask honestly if you are prepared to be told it's not convenient. Sometimes my kids would love a companion too and that's a mutually beneficial situation even if I don't know the parent as a friend

I'm always happy to help my actual friends with playdates due to newborns, doctors appointments, illness, family emergency. I have a lot of sympathy for working parents, but I also know our household income is about half of those with 2 working parents.

Weepingwillow I'm interested to hear what 'having a heart' would look like in this scenario? If you just mean be sympathetic whilst acting in the interests of your own family and refusing, that's fair enough. But if you mean actually having an extra child over whilst the GCSE student is trying to revise, there's no way OP should do that if it doesn't suit. She's not obliged to facilitate other people's working arrangements.

YANBU at all, nor grumpy - but have a heart - trying to get school holidays to work with annual leave from work is hellish

And that's exactly why I chose to be a SAHM, so I could avoid the stress of it all, It's FA to do with OP that these mothers have no childcare.

Its the equivalent of me as a sahm asking a working mum for money.

Don't you realise how tight money is when you don't work...have a heart

Say you've all got the shits.

Its the equivalent of me as a sahm asking a working mum for money.

I thought exactly that :)

What formerbabe said.

No is a complete sentence. Or...say you'll arrange something during the holidays.

If you stand firm and don't allow yourself to be used, they won't use you.

Only happened to me once and it was my oldest so had no clue this was a thing.
Ds did want a playdate over summer, so when the Mum called to ask, I said yes then added not before 10am I'm being lazy for summer. She had her Dh go in late and drop off (her twins) bang on 10 and when she came to pick up at 5 she had food for all the kids from McDonalds, so I really think she was appreciative and not taking the piss. She usually had a relative spend the summer to do care, and she hadn't got there yet.
I put people off by doing after school care that I charged for, so if anyone asked about summer care I gave them a price list. Or told them I was full. I only liked part timers.

We choose to be a stay at home mum for tbe benefit of our own families. One of the reasons is to cover childcare during school holidays. Why should we be expected to provide care for other children? That's not why I am a stay at home mum.

Never understood the reluctance to help other people out. These children are ten it’s no trouble at all to have an extra ten year old or two.