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AIBU?

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Original poster

Was I being invasive? I can't decide!

412 replies

WhyReschedule · 08/04/2019 16:10

I've been looking after a friend's DD today and I cleaned her downstairs from top to bottom.

Not out of rudeness, just because I genuinely adore cleaning. I thought she wouldn't mind since her DD is older and happy. Was offered different entertainments by me, etc etc. My own DC was there too but a baby so not of any companionship to her.

Friend came home and said "Blimey! You really have outdone yourself". Her DD even said she hoped I would look after her again. The atmosphere was randomly very tense.

I just left not 15 minutes ago and have received a text saying "Next time you look after DD please don't worry about the housework, you're there to look after her. Not the house. Please just leave it".

AIBU to think this is a bit rude? Blush I feel extremely upset that I would make someone feel down or upset. I really didn't want to offend and did text as much back.

I know a lot of people dislike cleaning and it's something I genuinely enjoy. Most people are over the moon if I offer or do jobs for them. MIL once cried with happiness on return to her clean house from a long day of working.

OP posts:
Catsinthecupboard · 09/04/2019 20:26

I also agree that dc don't need attention every minute. That's stressful for both sitter and child.

di2004 · 09/04/2019 20:30

My mother in law does this when she has a walk up to our house while we’re st work. She lays the fire and hoovers and generally potters about. Whilst it’s so kind of her ( she’s in her 80’s) I really don’t expect her to do it. Maybe your friend came across the wrong way and sounded a bit sharp, but you maybe should’ve said first about cleaning her house. You sound like a nice person, don’t beat yourself up about it x

Belenus · 09/04/2019 20:34

And I know I'll get flamed for this but I cant help feeling people who would be furious/mortified/offended at this are being a bit sensitive and the problem lies with them.

I really hate the idea that what other people prefer can be dismissed as them being too sensitive. It's just an excuse for people to blunder around doing what they want, whilst not only ignoring other people, but dismissing their reaction when they do react.

It's not about whether or not you think it's overstepping a boundary. It's about whether the other person thinks you've overstepped a boundary. It's entirely the point. It's their boundary, not yours. I hate other people cleaning my house as they don't do it how I want and I would hate to have someone else iron my clothes. It's far too intimate. Your need to iron my clothes doesn't trump my need for you to leave them the fuck alone.

I think her first message was reasonable OP. I think rubbing it in with the second message whilst asking you for a favour was not. I prefer just to say what needs to be said, then drop it and move on.

funthief · 09/04/2019 20:37

Please be my friend! I'd personally be overjoyed. I suppose I get why some might be a bit miffed. What I just can't understand is the inability of some people to just let stuff go! I don't feel the need to challenge every single thing I don't like. If someone was looking after my kid I would be grateful for that and roll with anything that wasn't a major issue. People need to chill the f* out.

Giddyuppp · 09/04/2019 20:38

I would be offended, sorry. To me it's like saying you think my house is dirty (whether you actually think this or not).

LondonJax · 09/04/2019 20:41

I can't understand how it only took an hour to do all the downstairs and the ironing if the places was grubby as people (who haven't seen the house) are implying?

If the downstairs was done 'top to bottom' I'd assume that meant wiping the skirting board, mopping floors, hoovering (possibly including the stairs) dusting, cleaning the kitchen worktop and cabinets and putting the kids toys away. That little lot would take me more than an hour and I'd be wondering just how long my DC was left to amuse themselves if it were me.

Maybe your friend is a slower cleaner than you are OP - especially if you enjoy it and she doesn't. So maybe she's judging the event by the way she does things and, from that, is assuming that you saying her DC was only left alone for an hour isn't actually true. And of course kids don't need playing with all the time but if your friend is assuming it took you, let's say, three hours, that's three hours her DC was left to her own devices - so half a day.

I must admit if there's a pile of ironing it'd take me an hour to just do that so I can't see how the place needed a clean if everything, including the ironing, only took an hour. If my house was already at the 'can be cleaned top to bottom downstairs in a hour' stage and someone did clean it I'd think they were trying to tell me my standards weren't good enough.

TFBundy · 09/04/2019 20:41

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Serialweightwatcher · 09/04/2019 20:55

I would personally be completely delighted if someone took the time to do that for me, and to be good enough to look after my children ... you were trying to be kind OP - you can't please some people Flowers

mama17 · 09/04/2019 21:04

I wouldn't be offended I would actually be really appreciative, but I suppose every one is different.

whodidapoopoointhebath · 09/04/2019 21:25

I’d be thrilled if a) you offered to look after my children and b) you cleaned my house.

I think she’s being a bit ungrateful, she could’ve worded her text better, ‘thanks for looking after my DC I really appreciate it, please don’t feel that you need to clean but I’m very grateful’

JimCricket · 09/04/2019 21:31

Wanna come to my house? 😁

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 09/04/2019 21:37

Eeek yes invasive is exactly the word.

I don't think I'm over sensitive but obviously some people on here would disagree. I'd be really upset by this, but it's also obvious that you were acting for all good reasons.

manicmij · 09/04/2019 21:39

Best to have mentioned to your friend before you did thus. She probably would have told you not to bother out of politeness but you could have suggested eg hoovering, tidying kitchen as you would have time to fill. Taken it from there, if still reluctant or hesitant then leave well alone.

Belenus · 09/04/2019 21:45

thanks for looking after my DC I really appreciate it, please don’t feel that you need to clean but I’m very grateful

That's way too open to misinterpretation. It makes it sounds like you appreciate the cleaning but think the OP shouldn't have gone to so much effort. I think her friend's first text was much better. Short, to the point, made it clear that she doesn't like having her house cleaned by other people. You don't have to continual apologise to someone if they've done something in your house that you didn't want them to do.

winniestone37 · 10/04/2019 00:32

Exceptionally rude of you. How do you know how she likes things done?

PregnantSea · 10/04/2019 00:39

I would be extremely pissed off if someone who was meant to just be watching my DC felt the need to clean my house. I know you meant well but it really doesn't come across that way at all.

Lovely13 · 10/04/2019 01:05

My house needs a right old going over. Come round any time!

DaisyEmma · 10/04/2019 04:17

I’d be very grateful. Not just childcare but cleaning too! You were doing a kind thing. I sometimes think (generalising) but women can overthink things.

Rume · 10/04/2019 04:41

OP ignore all the people on here talking trash about being offended. After all your friend is now enjoying the benefits of a clean house and ironed laundry free of charge which everyone on here would!

You can be my friend anytime, any day!

user1457017537 · 10/04/2019 04:51

You are an amazing friend, she’s an ungrateful cow! You minded her daughter and she came home to a spotless house with her ironing done! Wish you were my friend.

TiIIy · 10/04/2019 04:52

Very invasive, I'd feel very violated!

StoppinBy · 10/04/2019 05:02

I can see you were trying to be helpful.

I can also see that your friend was embarrassed, like many people would be in that situation.

Although you didn't mean it as a judgment she clearly took it as one, if I were you I would simply explain that you weren't judging, you were trying to help, I would be embarrassed but get over it pretty quickly as long as you didn't find my 'toys' haha

Whoops75 · 10/04/2019 05:03

She would have preferred you spend time with them doing something nice.
You were asked to provide childcare and you gave supervision and housekeeping.

I think when you’re doing a favor it should be delivered on their terms not yours.

It’s just crossed wires, a quick apology should sort it out.

Armadillostoes · 10/04/2019 05:50

You were trying to do a nice thing and your friend was massively rude. Trust me, had the friend posted her version in AIBU she would have been roasted to a charcoal ember.

Belenus · 10/04/2019 06:39

I find it really odd that some people who would appreciate this, just cannot see why others wouldn't. I can see both sides, but personally would feel invaded. I therefore wouldn't do it to anyone, in case they were in the "invaded" camp. Why the need to think you're absolutely right, and someone who disagrees is an "ungrateful cow"? Why just ignore those who are saying something different from what you think? Can you really not just absorb the information and think "oh OK, some people react differently."?

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