Was I being invasive? I can't decide!

[WhyReschedule]

I've been looking after a friend's DD today and I cleaned her downstairs from top to bottom.

Not out of rudeness, just because I genuinely adore cleaning. I thought she wouldn't mind since her DD is older and happy. Was offered different entertainments by me, etc etc. My own DC was there too but a baby so not of any companionship to her.

Friend came home and said "Blimey! You really have outdone yourself". Her DD even said she hoped I would look after her again. The atmosphere was randomly very tense.

I just left not 15 minutes ago and have received a text saying "Next time you look after DD please don't worry about the housework, you're there to look after her. Not the house. Please just leave it".

AIBU to think this is a bit rude? I feel extremely upset that I would make someone feel down or upset. I really didn't want to offend and did text as much back.

I know a lot of people dislike cleaning and it's something I genuinely enjoy. Most people are over the moon if I offer or do jobs for them. MIL once cried with happiness on return to her clean house from a long day of working.

I'd be delighted but it's a real marmite thing clearly. Don't worry op, your intentions were good.

I'd be annoyed if someone cleaned/tidied my house without asking as they'd inevitably put things back in the wrong place, which would put my husband in a foul mood and spoil my day

Depends on whether it was cleaning or tidying. Wiping down some surfaces and loading the dishwasher is one thing, if you were rearranging personal items in the bathroom and bedroom and putting things away in the wrong kitchen cupboards it then just becomes annoying and a bit intrusive.

I wouldn't dream of moving something to a new home! That would mean the person couldn't find what they were looking for and have it how they like to, in easy reach.

i'd say "eh you rude bitch so you want me to mind your kid for free, and sit in your shitty house but when I clean I'm the bad guy? Fuck yourself and mind your kid, while you are at it the j-cloths are under the sink"

I could never ever say that I wish I was that type of person! I just can't ever seem to do it, too afraid of upsetting anyone.

Perhaps she could have been polite in her messages but you went over to BABYSIT and then spent hours cleaning. So a) her kid is boring b) you couldn't be bothered to do what you were asked and agreed to do C) her house is clearly below your
standards

I spent about an hour cleaning. That's it. And how did you get the impression I find her child boring?! I already said I did quite a few activities. Baking, colouring, etc etc. All children need peace and space to do their own thing. Which is when I cleaned

Missing the point perhaps, but how did you manage to do colouring, made cupcakes, watch a film with popcorn and stuff, clean the whole of downstairs from top to bottom and do a pile of ironing? As well as look after your own baby?

Yes. It wasn't difficult, everything just slotted in. I wouldn't have continued (cleaning) if it was stressful. It was a very pleasant time actually!

Ido this for my mum but I tell her she’s rubbish at cleaning and she secretly enjoys that I do it (and ends up leaving mess when she knows I’m coming)

I also love cleaning and everything to be sparkly, I would never just do it for a friend no matter how close.

Also on the side of the OP, knowing the amount of joy a clean house would giver herself, she probably assumed veryone feels that way about clean and tidy spaces.

Also on the side of OP, I have a toddler and still manage to clean around playing and looking after him.
I don’t find him boring

I would cry tears of joy.
Also how messy was her home? I wouldn't want to sit in someone's dirty house all day. I get some people might find it a violation but I also think given you are doing free childcare and you ironed her clothes (I love you), that she could suck it up and be more gracious. Her last text was appalling. No more free childcare for her.

...can you come to my house ?

I did try and call to clear things up but no answer (I tried twice).

I replied to the text saying "I'm still okay to take DC horse riding Friday but I'm afraid I can't do anymore since I'll be visiting family next week. You'll have to drop her off if that's okay"

Which isn't a fib, I've genuinely arranged to go and see family that live a while away next week.

Please be my friend 😂 if you cleaned the kitchen you could just say after baking things got a bit messy so was cleaning that away and while I was at it I washed the few dishes sat here felt silly to just leave them...... have you replied to her about baby sitting Friday? X

My mil cleaned for me a few times when she looked after DS - I was overjoyed! I honestly don’t know what your friend’s problem is - I’d be delighted!

august I'd love to

I did reply! Perhaps you've cross posted?

Why yes sorry we must of pressed post at the same time haha x

I'd be embarrassed to be honest. I would understand that it was done from a place of kindness but it would make me feel uneasy. I'm quite private and don't invite many people to my house, mostly because it's always a shit tip with 3 kids 6 and under. I'd be embarrassed to have someone clean it unless I was ill or incapable for some reason.

I got a text today saying "Are you still on for having DC Friday? No cleaning, just have her at your house if you really want to clean that much!"

I disagree with just about everyone, because I don't think this text is all that bad. But it's clear you did offend her by cleaning & she wants you to know that.
There's got to be something else going on here! Some sort of background. I note that you say in your previous post, "All children need space and peace to do their own thing". TBH this kind of sweeping 'pronouncement' sounds a bit sanctimonious. Is that the tone you regularly adopt with your friend? Maybe you make her feel inadequate already, and now she comes home to find you've busily put everything straight for her without being asked (did you pat her on the head when she came in?) - and that made her feel even more inadequate. Or possibly she'd had a bad day & then came home to find she couldn't even be trusted with her own cleaning.

There again, she may have had a body stashed in the freezer and was worried you'd found it.

I’ve been in your friend’s shoes once. My husband and I went on holiday and left the spare key with my friend/neighbour to keep an eye on our flat( we trusted them and they trusted us with their key)
In our last day of holiday I received a text saying “I hope you don’t mind but I cleaned your carpet on the stairs(we live in a maisonette) and I fed the fish every day (when I strictly asked her not to as we provided them with a two week food tablet). I was like...ok it’s fine...she’s trying to be friendly and helpful. When I got home we found that she’d cleaned the carpet all over the flat . I wasn’t too happy as I haven’t agreed it with her previously. I felt embarrassed. I have quite a clean house, I’m quite house proud. Didn’t think my carpets needed cleaning so badly.

My friend's mum would clean and tidy her house whenever she stayed (to look after my friend's son... her grandson) my friend was resigned to it but annoyed... I always told her that I wished MY mum would do the same.... so it's obviously something that splits opinion.

But if you run out of friends and want to dog-sit/clean my house, I'd be thrilled.

I guess you’ll get mixed responses. I love to clean too. Years ago I looked after my friends children on a regular basis, she was a single mum of 2, going to college in the evenings, she was always happy that I’d cleaned up but wouldn’t say “top to bottom” I guess that could be seen as judgmental. However, if you were staying in someone’s house as a favour whilst they are away, pet sitting etc, tough... I’ve done this, I don’t want to use someone else’s bathroom / kitchen for the week unless I’ve cleaned it before and after! Now I’m a busy working mum I’d be thrilled if someone had cleaned my kitchen when I got home!

Out of interest, OP, are you a foreigner by any chance? Your level of caring seems far above the national average.

@bloodydisgrace are you a foreigner? You seem to know very well how much foreigners care

OP you are incredibly kind and lovely.. if you live in London we could be friends......!!!

I’d be very offended tbh

You basically implied she’s messy/dirty

Sorry, appreciate you did it from the kindness of your heart but not a good call IMO

Gosh I would love just a little of your energy please. You can come to mine and enjoy cleaning my house and playing with my dd. And I’m sure she’d love to play with your ds as she loves little kids. She’s 10 and she would be thrilled to have someone to do all that stuff with her as I’m too ill to do it. We managed to make brownies yesterday and that was my limit.

Your friend really doesn’t know how lucky she is.

My exMIL used to try and get away with this it would drive me mad. Ex-partner used to encourage her. I would be so offended if anyone did more than basic cleaning up after themselves although I let my mum empty the dishwasher or fold laundry if I'm busy doing something else.

Yes you were being invasive and you crossed a line of trust. Albeit you say you meant well it was intrusive and passive aggressive controlling, you knew your friend was uncomfortable and you made her feel worse. She was clearly embarrassed. Pick up the phone and talk although I think you can't go back from this at the moment. Don't be used either as an unpaid childminder.

One of the things i miss most about losing my mother is that nobody helps me clean anymore.

I wouldn't have minded by I am overwhelmed with chronic illness and large home with hairy dogs.

But she may have thought you were criticizing her.