Was I being invasive? I can't decide!

[WhyReschedule]

I've been looking after a friend's DD today and I cleaned her downstairs from top to bottom.

Not out of rudeness, just because I genuinely adore cleaning. I thought she wouldn't mind since her DD is older and happy. Was offered different entertainments by me, etc etc. My own DC was there too but a baby so not of any companionship to her.

Friend came home and said "Blimey! You really have outdone yourself". Her DD even said she hoped I would look after her again. The atmosphere was randomly very tense.

I just left not 15 minutes ago and have received a text saying "Next time you look after DD please don't worry about the housework, you're there to look after her. Not the house. Please just leave it".

AIBU to think this is a bit rude? I feel extremely upset that I would make someone feel down or upset. I really didn't want to offend and did text as much back.

I know a lot of people dislike cleaning and it's something I genuinely enjoy. Most people are over the moon if I offer or do jobs for them. MIL once cried with happiness on return to her clean house from a long day of working.

I wouldn't help,her out again. I don't like the implication that you have to entertain her dc every second. At 8 she can amuse herself a bit and if she wants her dd entertained and micro managed she can pay out for a play scheme.

I'd rather have the dd at my house so I can get on with my own stuff as well.

And if you do reply I'd ignore her jibes and just say yes please I do have a bit to catch up on at home if you can please drop her here and bring a few toys. Perhaps she might reflect on the time you've spent. You're not rude at all so kind of you.

Oh dear, she definitely lost any high ground I thought she had after that last text. Did you reply yet OP?

I’d send her a nice simple: “sorry, I’m too busy now.”

Oh she had made her point, rude to drive it home whilst asking for a favour. I would reply:
"Look I was trying to help, I misjudged it. I get it now. I am sorry if it has offended you but if you know me at all you will know my heart was in the right place. I will look after your child for you because I don't like to let either of you down and am happy to help as your friend but would like to do so without any resentment from you for something I did with good intentions."

^^^ Beautifully put. Please dont feel bad OP. There are lots of people doing really nasty things with nasty intentions. Any good friend would see you have a good heart and were trying to help. X

I would be mortified, and to a degree feel like my privacy had been invaded, like someone had been inspecting my dirty laundry. I don't even like people coming over when my place is messy, never mind them getting up close and personal to all the dirt, rooting through drawers, moving things etc. Someone cleaning my house unprompted like that would make me think they thought my house was a real shit heap/that I was a right slattern, so bad they felt the need to step in, and I'd feel quite hurt. I'd wonder how long they'd been itching to clean for me/judging me. I know you were well meaning op but you should always offer things like this, and see how the offer's received, not just go for it on a whim?

For the pp saying that she shouldn't have cleaned - I have a question:
The OP was doing her friend a favour. Why should she be expected to shit in a dirty house while she does it. Even if the OP only cleaned so that she wouldn't have to tolerate the mess - why isn't that OK - when the OP is helping her friend out of a hole with childcare.
IMO you don't get to ask for help and then dictate how it is done. This is a friend doing you a favour - not someone you have paid.

shit in a dirty house. Freudian slip there...

2 camps here. I'd be fine with it I guess, but we've always been lucky enough to have a cleaner.

But my DSis cannot handle this at all. I always want to do her larder, because they're are always multiple packets of stuff open. I've only made that mistake once!!

I think you did go too far OP However I can't help noticing she didn't say "thank you but next time..." or "thank you for looking after..."? What kind of arrangement is it - paid?

you don't get to ask for help and then dictate how it is done. This is a friend doing you a favour - not someone you have paid

Yes. This.
I also suspect that people are up in arms about someone cleaning their shit here precisely because they experienced judgemental friends, people who do backhanded compliments, people who appear as saints but have an ego boost from doing whatever they did for you. Or they read too many Guardian articles about "women judging each other". When you have normal friends, you don't anticipate judgement when all someone is doing is help.
The fact that so many here would feel "judged" for "unclean house" is a sad reflection on how women see each other, how paranoid one becomes as a result of some, frankly, unsisterly crap from other women. And why the fuck an unclean house is all to do with a woman? Does no man who could have cleaned it but didn;t live there?..

My BFF however never blinks an eye. We sweep in as a family of 6 and do a quick tidy because she's always rushed of her feet with a disabled daughter too, but she's always happy to have us to stay. We love her family so much, and this is something we can do to help.

I can’t believe she wants you to do her another favour yet thinks she can be as rude as she likes.

nothing stopping your friend from paying for childcare so that no one comes and cleans whilst they are "supposed"to look after the child. Entitled behaviour.

"The OP was doing her friend a favour. Why should she be expected to sit in a dirty house while she does it"

Surely the sitting in a dirty house for a while, until friend comes home and does it herself, could be considered part of the favour? Or op could have made some excuse and not done her friend a favour at all, if she dreaded sitting in a shit heap?

Doing someone a favour doesn't give you the right to meddle. If I had a broken leg, and asked my friend to go to the shop for me (with a list), with the last of my cash, and she came back having spent my money on a load of random stuff I didn't ask for, that was better, in her opinion (water instead of coke, fruit instead of biscuits, wet toilet wipes instead of loo roll etc), would that be acceptable, because she was doing me a favour and just trying to help? Or would it be understable if I was miffed and rather she'd just said no/wished I hadn't bothered asking her in the first place?

I’d be majorly insulted to be honest and really annoyed. A bit of washing up maybe but not a full clean!

@TheGrey possibly....

Ooh spilling over into cheeky fucker territory now, that was a rude message, especially since A) she needed another presumably free? favour and B) you have already apologised.
@CaptainJaneway12 's reply is great.

Oh dear very rude unless your friend is laid back which she obviously isn’t.

Also "IMO you don't get to ask for help and then dictate how it is done".

The friend asked for help with child care, not with cleaning though? Would most people not be quite surprised to come home to find our friends had cleaned and ironed, when they were initially doing a completely different favour for us, childcare, or fixing an appliance or whatever? It was quite a random thing to do, well meant as it was.

I must live in an alternative universe. Some Mnsnetters are truly mardy cows! The friend even mentioned the state of her place. She owes OP a massive apology. OP you were being kind and helpful. Plus, if you ask someone to mind your DC you should at least have a tidy around and clean beforehand.

Phew you are talking about the house! You wrote that you were looking after a friends DD and 'cleaned her downstairs from top to bottom'. I misunderstood because of how you phrased it and was about to respond that yes you had been very invasive!

@TheLazyDuchess
That's a false equivalence. The OP did the friend's favour - looked after her child for her unlike your example.
However, she made her own day better by cleaning at the same time. She was trying to do something nice for the friend. If the friend was embarrassed/annoyed she should have a) sucked it up b) clean up before OP comes over again. She shouldn't send short and snippy texts and then expect OP to bail her out again. She is looking a gift horse in the mouth.

OP I still think you should actually speak to your friend and not fall out over texts.

Missing the point perhaps, but how did you manage to do colouring, made cupcakes, watch a film with popcorn and stuff, clean the whole of downstairs from top to bottom and do a pile of ironing? As well as look after your own baby?

This

Really OP?

OP if you lived near me I’d make you my bff! I think she’s been a bit harsh here. Yes you overstepped but you have apologised and as others have said she either forgives or doesn’t. It’s not fair to make digs.

Of course you were. Reminds me of a Big bang Theory episode where Sheldon cleans Penny flat while she was asleep. So funny you can't see that's crazy. I wouldn't even clean my sister's house without asking first.