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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I being invasive? I can't decide!

412 replies

WhyReschedule · 08/04/2019 16:10

I've been looking after a friend's DD today and I cleaned her downstairs from top to bottom.

Not out of rudeness, just because I genuinely adore cleaning. I thought she wouldn't mind since her DD is older and happy. Was offered different entertainments by me, etc etc. My own DC was there too but a baby so not of any companionship to her.

Friend came home and said "Blimey! You really have outdone yourself". Her DD even said she hoped I would look after her again. The atmosphere was randomly very tense.

I just left not 15 minutes ago and have received a text saying "Next time you look after DD please don't worry about the housework, you're there to look after her. Not the house. Please just leave it".

AIBU to think this is a bit rude? Blush I feel extremely upset that I would make someone feel down or upset. I really didn't want to offend and did text as much back.

I know a lot of people dislike cleaning and it's something I genuinely enjoy. Most people are over the moon if I offer or do jobs for them. MIL once cried with happiness on return to her clean house from a long day of working.

OP posts:
Weepingwillow5 · 09/04/2019 18:11

I don’t think you should have cleaned her house. It would make me think you thought my house was grim .

However she should have left the house in a decent state if a ‘guest’ was round.

If she is asking for free childcare , she shouldn’t really complain if you didn’t play with her child enough.

You’ve apologised - if she wants the free child care she shouldn’t still be making the digs at you.

Perhaps this is an arrangement that needs to quietly cease next holiday ?

You’ve actually got me wondering if this is a business opportunity though 😉

firefirefire · 09/04/2019 18:11

Omg please be my friend!!!!!!! I think you did a very lovely thing and some people are so easily offended

SusieOwl4 · 09/04/2019 18:12

I would be mortified if a Friend or relative did that in my house , HOWEVER you apologised so I think her text to you was out of order .

The apology should have been enough so I think she is playing a dangerous game by her message and I would be tempted not to help her out for a while . Unless she was joking ? Not very funny though.

Angel75 · 09/04/2019 18:17

I would love it OP, do you need a new friend?

werideatdawn · 09/04/2019 18:17

You were a bit out of order but you've apologised. I can see how you thought it was just being helpful. She is being outright rude and can't genuinely expect favours from you!

Xyzzzzz · 09/04/2019 18:17

I don’t think you did anything wrong and it’s clear your intentions was clear and not malicious. I get why she was upset but Her 2nd text imo went to far and I wouldn’t babysit again. I agree in a friendship where you’ve shown each other nipples etc I don’t think you’ve overstepped.

Tbh you seem like a better friend and how daft would she sound if she told people you fell out because you cleaned her house and then apologised nicely afterwards, you also babysit her child for her so she can work full time. You’ve saved her loads of time also by cleaning. I’d personally re think the friendship. It may a blessing in disguise. You seem like a genuine person op.

TheLazyDuchess · 09/04/2019 18:18

"She was trying to do something nice for the friend."

But the friend didn't like it? It made the op feel better, even if only for a while (she probably regrets bothering now), than it did the friend? But it's okay to do things or make decisions for people, they haven't asked for, without consulting them, because they've reached out to you for help? If you've made them uncomfortable, they should just suck it up and be quietly unhappy about it, even though this is the exact opposite of what you were aiming for in the first place by agreeing to do them a favour, or trying to be nice?

It's good you apologised op, that's all you can do. Sorry she's still pissed, her first text should have been the end of it, she said what she had to say. I don't think you should fall out over this, but I wouldn't do her any more favours, except in an actual emergency, to save any future arguments/resentment.

sillysmiles · 09/04/2019 18:24

"But the friend didn't like it?"

But the friend could have accepted it was done in good faith and then later talked to her and said "look I know you mean well but other people cleaning my house makes me feel weird"

I think the friend as chosen to be the wronged without stopping to see if this is worth being upset about. Friend is either entitled and a user and doesn't see the extra lifting the OP is doing for her or there is another issue at play here.

Foodylicious · 09/04/2019 18:24

I would have read that last text eith a lighthearted tone to be honest.

Can you just ring her?

TheLazyDuchess · 09/04/2019 18:27

This kind of reminds me of the odd time on diy/gardening shows, when it's obvious the person being "treated" or suprised, absolutely hates the way it's been done, it's just not to their taste at all. I used to feel so bad/cringe for all involved when that happened, though my dad would say the person was an ungrateful sod.

dragonara53 · 09/04/2019 18:28

Good God get a grip, if it's your best friend why would they be upset if you did their cleaning? I am blunt and if my best friends house needs a tidy I don't tidy it even though I'd like to I just tell her to clean it up and stop being a dirty bastard. But I don't see why anyone would be offended by their friend cleaning it's not like she's gone snooping or knicker sniffing.

loz85 · 09/04/2019 18:29

Can you be my friend??? I’d be unbelievably grateful if a friend watched my children and cleaned for me I wouldn’t take offence at all!

Unfortunately I tend to be the one that watches other people’s not the other way round lol

polarpig · 09/04/2019 18:32

YABU. It's overstepping the mark but also she wanted you to look after her child not ignore her while you cleaned the house.

teraculum29 · 09/04/2019 18:34

lol next time you are at her house do not clean at all, make sure u use a lot of messy activities, use lots of glitter, make cakes with lots of flour, eat messy food, crumbs everywhere etc lol

just a shallow revenge on my part

Cottonwood · 09/04/2019 18:34

You sound lovely OP

DeniseRoyal · 09/04/2019 18:36

Typical overreaction from Mumsnetters! 😂 Personally I would be delighted if a friend or relative cleaned my house for me, why would I be offended?! I came home from work once and my MIL who had been watching DD had done all my laundry, she's been at it all day. I have adored her ever since! Flowers

BloodyDisgrace · 09/04/2019 18:38

Would most people not be quite surprised to come home to find our friends had cleaned and ironed, when they were initially doing a completely different favour for us, childcare, or fixing an appliance or whatever?

The only thing I would have thought is "why such a treat? it's not my birthday yet"

Frazzaboo · 09/04/2019 18:41

Oh my...if anyone would willingly take care of my feisty 5 years old, clean downstairs, I would workship you for a while! Not be offended by it, lovely gesture, some people are just ungrateful...

MaybeDoctor · 09/04/2019 18:46

Is anyone else remembering that Joanna Trollope adaptation, 'The Rector's Wife', where she goes away for a night and the busybodies from the parish come in and virtually reorganise her house because the poor vicar can't be expected to live like that? Grin

Alwaysgrey · 09/04/2019 18:48

I think some people are quite sensitive. If you were a good friend I’d probably weep with gratitude. Her second text isn’t very nice and I’d probably reconsider having her child for her.

MaybeDoctor · 09/04/2019 18:48

I am not saying you did that OP, just that the non-agreed cleaning reminded me of that particular mini series.

The heroine does end up taking a rather tasty lover, so things work out well in some respects - not so much for her husband who dies :(.

JaneEyre07 · 09/04/2019 18:49

I think what you did was a lovely and well meant gesture OP, I am just wondering if perhaps her DD said that you didn't pay her much attention or something?? Perhaps she was thinking you'd have done some outdoor activities and tired her DD out for her rather than cleaning and spending the day indoors?

But you've said sorry, and if she carries on with the attitude, I'd be reluctant to look after her DD again. I don't know if you've posted it but has she actually said thank you?

Purplegecko · 09/04/2019 18:54

People would either be very touched or feel offended/angry, from similar threads. I'd be beyond grateful, life gets on top of me working and getting a degree and sometimes the housework doesn't get done- my mother once let herself in whilst I was working away from home and cleaned my house, I could have cried it helped so much. Mum, however, said if anyone did it to her she'd be beyond hurt.
Personally I think it was a nice thing to do but can totally see why people feel it's inappropriate

namechangedforanon · 09/04/2019 18:56

Can you come over to my place please 🤣🤣🤣

You sound like a great friend

GlitterPixie · 09/04/2019 18:57

I’d have felt very awkward and embarrassed if I’d come home and someone had done this. I can understand your intentions were good but yes it was invasive imo

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