To convince DD not to end her marriage

[Sparklesco]

DD (26) has confided in me that she’s contemplating a divorce after just 6 months of marriage. This has come as a total shock to me but apparently she started to feel this way before the wedding but didn’t want to let anyone down. DD was 22 and her DH 29 when they met. DD’s reason is that ‘the spark has gone’ and she’s no longer attracted to, or interested in him and feels generally unfulfilled and unhappy. She says DH hasn’t done anything wrong, nor is there anything that he could do to change her feelings (he knows she’s unhappy but apparently has no idea things are this serious - I know he’d be distraught). She says she’s ‘outgrown’ the relationship.

DD and I are very close and I feel devastated and shocked. I don’t like to interfere and appreciate that she is an adult, but she has come to me for advice. Her DH is so kind and trustworthy, he adores her and is loved by the whole family. They have a lovely home together, are very comfortable financially.... I feel she could be making a huge mistake which she’ll later regret. DD acknowledges all of this but seems to think she’d be wasting her life away ‘settling’ with DH and can quite easily walk away and meet someone else who she’ll be much happier with.

AIBU to convince her to stick things out? I know all too well what awful men there are out there and DD truly has met a lovely man. The thought of her throwing all of this away because the ‘spark’ has faded and using this as a grounds for divorce baffles me.... AIBU?

@Chickychoccyegg It really isn't as simple as that, I have walked this mile. It's easy to be dragged along with it, think it will all be OK, not wanting to disappoint/upset people. I loved my ex's family and still miss them to this day some 25 years later. I thought it would all be OK, it really wasn't. A horrible situation to be in. Can you imagine trying to have sex with somebody you don't love and facing that for the next 50 years? It's not fair on the OP's DD and most certainly not fair on her DH who deserves somebody who loves him.

OP, don't suggest a trial separation. That just prolongs the agony for everybody as I know only too well

My sister went through this when she found the engagement ring with her boyfriend many years ago. She felt stressed out as she knew saying yes was that he wanted to start a family soon and no would probably get messy or uncomfortable. She wasn't ready to settle down and have kids as she was only 19 at the time.

She broke things off and regretted it since as she really did love him but felt seriously scared.

It's taken over 15 years and she's finally moved on properly.

Maybe now they are married and with him being slightly older, she's feeling a bit pressured to start trying for kids and this feels like her only out.

Talk to her but be supportive in her decisions. As others have said, he might be abusive but it's only really coming out now they are married. Or felt she couldn't let people down with the wedding.

Either way, whatever the reason, be supportive.

Tell her that the grass isn't always greener. We are always seeking perfection nowadays and too quick to give up on what we have got.

Sparklesco I know divorce seems huge, but it will be forgotten in a few years. Remember, it will seem huge to her too, so if she is saying it, she must really mean it and she’ll need to hear that it’s ok and you’ll be there for her.

I got married at 25 and divorced at 28. Also knew at the time of the wedding that I needed out but the pressure of going through with a big wedding was immense. Fortunately we didn’t have kids -knowing I was in the “wrong” marriage was a huge barrier to having children.

I had a couple of short relationships before meeting my second husband at 32. We married when I was 34. 1st child at 35, 2nd at 38, 3rd at 42. We are very happy and this was just the right relationship for me, the right person to be the father to my children.

Some of my friends are divorcing now. More complicated than my early divorce -at our ages there are young-ish children involved. Sometimes when talking with peers I mention “..when I got divorced” and THEY HAVE ALL FORGOTTEN. Seriously, this thing that seemed huge at the time, forgotten. Like I have always been with my second husband living this life. I don’t often bring it up or remind people because it’s just not relevant to my life now, but I do find it funny that people who were around when this happened have pretty much forgotten...when what everyone thought caused me sooooo much angst at the time.

If she were my daughter I'd definitely suggest that they as a couple give 'couples therapy' a go. With the best will in the world, a mum can't easily talk to her grown daughter about spark, attraction and sex - these are deeply personal matters. Only a therapist who is good can offer them a possible ray of light.....but of course attending therapy and having an open mind requires real commitment and from the noises you're hearing OP, sounds like she'd just prefer to bail and run on the marriage. I'd find myself feeling a bit frustrated .....you sound like a lovely mum but you are not a marriage counsellor.

I know this is a long thread, but this resonated with me.

One thing that strikes me is that you say your DD confided in you and 'has come to you for advice'. I just wondered - has she said that in so many words? Or is it possible she is simply talking to you because you're her mum and she wants to discuss things with you? I think the two things are slightly different. You don't have to be the voice of authority here. Not if you don't know what to say, or if you think she might not actually want it.

I have been the daughter seeking a divorce, whose parents were shocked and thought it was all wrong. I couldn't easily put into words what the problems were - in part because (and I mean this kindly), there are things few people want to discuss explicitly with their parents. Saying that the 'spark' has gone and she's unhappy could mean all sorts of things. It could be you're right, and your DD just has unrealistic expectations of an adult relationship. Or it could be something rather more difficult to discuss.

Please, don't discount the possibility there is more to this than your DD is saying to you. Divorce really isn't the worst thing in the world.

Btw (I'm saying this reading the post directly above mine, about your DD preferring to 'bail' and not 'having an open mind'), do consider this might be something that really is a game-over situation. My parents were shocked I wouldn't try harder at my marriage, and at the time I wasn't in a position to articulate to them, or quite to myself, that there were things in that marriage that would never work (amongst other things, I'm gay and I'm fairly sure my ex-husband isn't straight either).

Sounds similar to my story, I was young, same age gap. Great guy, very comfortable financially, looked after me well.. but no spark. I pulled out 2 months before our wedding and never regretted it. I do however miss the comfortable life I had as it’s never been the same since and I miss the stability he gave me.. but it was the right decision.. I wouldn’t of been happy.

My mum was devestated and it was hard to dissapoint her.

SarahAndQuack l agree with you 100%. Part of the reason l wanted to call off our wedding, but was persuaded not to, was that about three months before, l found a contact magazine. He said he was just "curious" and it wasn't about women. l couldn't get my head round it at all and l was so confused and shocked, he persuaded me to go through with it. We were married for 11 years, and all that time l was abused emotionally and sexually. We went to counselling (which l now know isn't recommended where abuse is involved) which made things worse.
When we did agree to split, my mother blamed me, saying l "wasn't easy to live with" - she took his side, even when he went to see her and admitted everything. She actually said to me, "is that rape?" and when l said yes, she said "l thought so."
Not "l'm so sorry this has happened to you, l understand why you can't go on" - just "what am l going to tell people?"

lt isn't always a case of wanting perfection or thinking the grass is greener. Sometimes it's because you genuinely cannot imagine how you could live like that for another 50 years.

I wish that more people would be like your DD.
Yes it would be hard and people should be more accepting, but how much pain could it prevent in the long term?

She should go to relate, alone or with him. It's no time long to adjust to new life, but also too long to be miserable. She doesn't have to decide today.,she should get some help and move on with confidence.

Would have prevented more pain if she'd listened to her pre-wedding doubts. I'm a bit impatient of people who separate a few months after their wedding and then tell everyone they knew they shouldn't have gone through with it.

Switsy
Would have prevented more pain if she'd listened to her pre-wedding doubts.

the problem is that whatever the DD would/should have done. it isn't going to be pleasant and there were probably as many people before the wedding saying that it was just nerves or jitters.

Oh that poor man. She probably thinks the grass is greener. It would be incredibly selfish to leave for no reason other than a lack of spark. That can be rebuilt.

I lost a lot of friends who told me I was nuts to walk away from a beautiful house, expensive car, and lovely husband etc etc etc.

The spark HAD gone.

He's still a good friend of mine and I'm now married to someone who is a much better fit for me and we have two fabulous kids.

You need to mind your own business.

The thought of staying in a relationship just because it's all 'nice' baffles me!

@SarahAndQuack Your words so resonated with me...not being able to explain to my mother that at 23 years old I didn't want to have sex with my husband and we hadn't had sex since our honeymoon some 18 months before was very very difficult. Largely because they were religious. For that reason only, I am blatently open with my adult DD in order that she can speak to me about absolutely anything. Indeed we are open to the point that people might disapprove. I'd rather that than her dealing with shit like this...and her knowing that she has a Mum who will listen above anything else!

Also, YOU CANNOT REBUILD A SPARK to whoever it was who said that. Utter nonsense.

You know, carnuntum, the grass probably is greener. Why condemn a very young woman who let herself go along with the wedding machine, and her husband, to unhappiness, when they can make a comparatively clean break without children or years of bitterness?

And if they hadn’t married, but were just boyfriend and girlfriend, it wouldn’t be such a,big deal. They are young and have possibly realised they’ve made a mistake

I understand your concerns OP. You don't want her to jump out of the frying pan, and into the fire. As a parent, I get it.

I was in this position in my 20s.

Married to a lovely man, but the dark had gone, and I knew it was over. People in my family and their social circle didn't divorce.

I did leave him - I needed to, because I didn't want to have to do it with children in tow. No way.

I since went on to marry the love of my life, best friend, and father of my children. As lovely as my ex was (is), my DH is so much better suited to me.

I remember my DB, who I'm very close to, passing a judgmental comment. Obviously, with the benefit of hindsight, we can all see I far and away made the right choice.

But I've never forgotten that comment.

My lovely, late, parents didn't say a word. They were nothing but supportive.

I can't tell you how much that meant - and means - to me.

*spark had gone

What would you be saying if it was him wanting a divorce, had realised he had made a mistake? You would be wanting your daughter to be out of the marriage as quickly & painlessly as possible, not trying to persuade her to stay & keep trying. I didn't get married until I was 36, got engaged a couple of months after meeting him in a whirlwind romance, by the time we had been together 6 months, we had bought a house, had the wedding booked for the following summer. 4 months before the wedding, I tried to end the relationship, I knew I didn't love him, he persuaded me to stay & we got married. Standing in the church I knew that I didn't love him, what was supposed to be the happiest day of my life was one of the worst days of my life. Within a year I was pregnant with DS, just before I was due to give birth my husband was diagnosed with MS, I was more trapped than ever, I couldn't leave because I was pregnant & because of my husband's illness. I stuck it out nearly 8 years before I ended the marriage, 8 years of being miserable & wishing I could walk away, when I could have been happy. Your daughter hasn't any children, if she is going to end the marriage, now is the best time, they can have a clean break, there is nothing to keep them together. He may be a nice man, but nice is no good if there isn't any love. There is no shame in divorce now, let her make up her own mind & let her have the chance of happiness please.

Ok, so you’re saying it’s not about you but then go on to say “.... and I do worry.” and “Now I am left worrying about her future.” I understand your worry — we want our children’s lives to be sorted out and for them to be happy. But you seem to be more focused on how it affects you. Try to focus on how she feels now - unhappy. She’s an adult and whether she regrets her decisions in life or not, you can no longer protect her. Leave her to decide what to do in her life and be supportive. That’s all you can do once she’s an adult.

It's not about the grass being greener on the other side It's about the grass being dead where you are and not wanting to sit on dead grass for the rest of your life. Or spray it green and pretend.

It's all been said already but i wanted to add to what a pp said earlier about recognising the fine line between being asked for advice and being kept in the loop.

The chances are that your daughter has made her mind up and is going through the first steps to extricate herself from the marriage.

When i told my mother i was leaving my XH (of 15 years) her first words were ''but you've just had a new kitchen put in ....''. And then ''.... and what about the dogs''. (we had 3 kids as well ). That sums up her attitude. Whatever shall i say to tell the neighbors ....

(This was all 12 years ago and i'm happy to say the grass is such a bright green for me now that i have to wear shades )

All relationships lose their spark. Is she aware that this is likely to happen with whoever she ends up with?
I ended it with a long term boyfriend many moons ago because of this very reason. He was kind, lovely and my family loved him.
When children come along, your priorities change and having someone loving and dependable is perfect. For this reason I do look back and wish I had known that at the time. In your 20s having a spark is the most important but when you are a family I think it is much less important than kindness and stability.