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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To convince DD not to end her marriage

239 replies

Sparklesco · 08/04/2019 15:45

DD (26) has confided in me that she’s contemplating a divorce after just 6 months of marriage. This has come as a total shock to me but apparently she started to feel this way before the wedding but didn’t want to let anyone down. DD was 22 and her DH 29 when they met. DD’s reason is that ‘the spark has gone’ and she’s no longer attracted to, or interested in him and feels generally unfulfilled and unhappy. She says DH hasn’t done anything wrong, nor is there anything that he could do to change her feelings (he knows she’s unhappy but apparently has no idea things are this serious - I know he’d be distraught). She says she’s ‘outgrown’ the relationship.

DD and I are very close and I feel devastated and shocked. I don’t like to interfere and appreciate that she is an adult, but she has come to me for advice. Her DH is so kind and trustworthy, he adores her and is loved by the whole family. They have a lovely home together, are very comfortable financially.... I feel she could be making a huge mistake which she’ll later regret. DD acknowledges all of this but seems to think she’d be wasting her life away ‘settling’ with DH and can quite easily walk away and meet someone else who she’ll be much happier with.

AIBU to convince her to stick things out? I know all too well what awful men there are out there and DD truly has met a lovely man. The thought of her throwing all of this away because the ‘spark’ has faded and using this as a grounds for divorce baffles me.... AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
Sparklesco · 08/04/2019 17:53

Just want to say thank you for some of the brilliant advice. It’s helpful to hear from those of you who have been in a similar situation... I certainly feel a little more positive.

OP posts:
therearenogoodusernamesleft · 08/04/2019 17:54

Nobody wants a messy divorce 🙄

Maybe it all went too far and she got married because she knew how disappointed you'd be?

lisamac28 · 08/04/2019 18:00

If you like him so much why don’t you marry him!

That's the most immature comment I've ever read on Mumsnet, grow up.

Weepingwillow5 · 08/04/2019 18:02

Your daughter needs to make her own mistakes and live her own life . Her husband deserves more and so does she . I left my 20s marriage at 28 - 20 years later I’m married with children to the right one for me . My ex is in a very long standing relationship with a child .

Tara336 · 08/04/2019 18:08

I went to my mum for support many times wanting to leave my marriage. Time and again she pushed me back and wouldn’t support me in leaving, I was miserable and lonely for 24 years until I got the courage and support from friends to leave. The first thing my mum did was phone me and tell me “you’ve fucked your life up by leaving”. Leaving was the best decision I ever made, my life is so much more relaxed and happy. Please support your daughter don’t be like my mum and fail her.

TheweewitchRoz · 08/04/2019 18:08

At the end of the day, your DD is an adult so the best thing you can do is let her know you're there for her & support her in whatever she chooses to do.

ReanimatedSGB · 08/04/2019 18:09

Urgh, 26 is far too young to be married anyway. Particularly to an older man. He's probably trying to push her to give up work and breed, and she's realising that there is a whole world out there with a lot more to offer than just hubby and housework. Let her do what feels right to her.

HoldMyGirl · 08/04/2019 18:13

I think she's incredibly brave. So many women just go through with it for 10, 20 or even more years.

She's right to end this now, before it gets complicated by a pregnancy and children.

Katterinaballerina · 08/04/2019 18:15

His wife’s opinion of him as a partner matters. His MIL’s doesn’t.

SandyY2K · 08/04/2019 18:23

She doesn't sound mature enough for marriage. Getting engaged and married when she apparently had doubts.

Her reasons sound like she's met someone else and I can understand your feelings about it.

I remember asking a colleague how her DD was (she got married a few months earlier) and she almost brokedown, telling me she'd left her DH. Same story as your DD... the spark was gone... blah blah blah.

Your DD has checked out of the marriage and I don't think anything you say will change her mind.

I would encourage her to consider marriage counselling and to talk to her DH. If her mind is made up, then there's no point in marriage counselling IMO.

If her DH is as good as you say, he'll be fine and find a compatible partner in time, as will your DD.

ivykaty44 · 08/04/2019 18:25

Op your dd can’t get divorced until she has been married a year

lillymunster · 08/04/2019 18:25

It is your business unlike other posters have said insofar as she's coming to you asking for your advice. He might not be as nice as you think he is, but still he could be a perfectly nice bloke and it's just the reality of things that she feels nothing for him any more. You're right in that there may not be many nice guys out there and she's probably being rather optimistic about how easy it would be to find another. Nevertheless if she feels nothing for him any more, it's going to end sooner or later, even if it's him who actually walks. I can see where you're coming from with all your points but ending the marriage has to be her decision, even if it is one she might regret in the long term. I don't think it's a good idea to advise her not to. There's nothing you can do but be there for her. As you've described him and their situation in such a positive way, I think it would be very worthwhile for them to at least try marriage counselling before she goes ahead and files for divorce.

HappyLife21 · 08/04/2019 18:26

You seem very gloomy about her prospects of finding and attracting a nice partner on the future!

I’d be pretty insulted if I were her!

SandyY2K · 08/04/2019 18:26

@lisamac28

If you like him so much why don’t you marry him!

That's the most immature comment I've ever read on Mumsnet, grow up

I couldn't agree with you more. I do wonder what planet some MN readers are on. Calling it immature is really putting it mildly.

SandyY2K · 08/04/2019 18:30

It does grate me when pp say "don't interfere" or "don't get involved".

When a friend or relative brings their problem to you, they have involved you.

You didn't go snooping or digging for it.

Supercuts · 08/04/2019 18:30

That's the most immature comment I've ever read on Mumsnet, grow up

Huh? There’s been a lot worse than a bit of sarcasm aimed at someone who takes an unhealthy interest in her daughters love life!

Alsohuman · 08/04/2019 18:34

@Supercuts, try RTFT or even just the OP.

FermatsTheorem · 08/04/2019 18:34

You're right in that there may not be many nice guys out there and she's probably being rather optimistic about how easy it would be to find another.

Still not a reason to stay in a marriage that's making you unhappy. Maybe there aren't enough "nice men" to go round. So what? It's possible to lead a perfectly happy, fulfilled single life.

No-one should get married, or stay married out of desperation and the thought that "any half-way nice man is better than none."

JacquesHammer · 08/04/2019 18:35

When a friend or relative brings their problem to you, they have involved you

Of course. But the level of involvement still needs to be appropriate, no?

And in this case trying to change the daughter’s mind because “her husband is lovely” isn’t appropriate.

Lorrainekellysaccountant · 08/04/2019 18:35

I've been your DD but I was 19. My family loved him more than I did. I bit the bullet, left him and they fell out with me for a long time. All the 'but, but, buts' don't matter when you're wretchedly miserable. Don't let her waste years because you think he's lovely. Please support her.

Dana28 · 08/04/2019 18:44

She is bullshitting you.There is someone else on the scene.

JacquesHammer · 08/04/2019 18:48

She is bullshitting you.There is someone else on the scene

You can’t possibly know that.

We ended an outwardly happy marriage for a similar reason to the OP’s DD. Neither of us had anyone else on the scene, we knew we didn’t want to “stick it out” for the rest of our lives.

Thegoodthere · 08/04/2019 18:48

Not that you'll answer this, OP, but I wonder if you're quite traditional? Your DD married young, I suspect when she began to have doubts she didn't want to voice them because she knew you'd be disappointed. Listen to her instinct. Trust it. It's her life, marriage and a niace house isn't everything.

FermatsTheorem · 08/04/2019 18:51

She is bullshitting you.There is someone else on the scene.

No evidence of this, no reason to think that relationships only ever end when someone comes across "someone better."

And even if there was, painful as it is, "I've realised I love someone else" is a valid reason to leave a relationship. And telling someone "you have to try to make it work" in those circumstances is not merely counselling the impossible, it's downright cruel to the other partner.

And, hypothetically, what would happen if you were right, and the mum still made her pitch for "stay with him." Imagine 10 years down the line, the sense of betrayal. "Yeah, I had a mad, red-hot affair when we were newly married, but mum told me I owed it to you to stay because you were a nice bloke, but all those times I said 'I love you' - well, it was a lie. Don't get me wrong, you're a nice guy, but no passion, and quite a lot of boredom. Basically I've been going through the motions for 10 years." That's even more shit than being left at the outset of the marriage, I'd say.

Dana28 · 08/04/2019 18:52

Jacques yeah - don't believe you.You ended a marriage purely because you were both bored, but neither of you had someone else in their sights? Rubbish!