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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To convince DD not to end her marriage

239 replies

Sparklesco · 08/04/2019 15:45

DD (26) has confided in me that she’s contemplating a divorce after just 6 months of marriage. This has come as a total shock to me but apparently she started to feel this way before the wedding but didn’t want to let anyone down. DD was 22 and her DH 29 when they met. DD’s reason is that ‘the spark has gone’ and she’s no longer attracted to, or interested in him and feels generally unfulfilled and unhappy. She says DH hasn’t done anything wrong, nor is there anything that he could do to change her feelings (he knows she’s unhappy but apparently has no idea things are this serious - I know he’d be distraught). She says she’s ‘outgrown’ the relationship.

DD and I are very close and I feel devastated and shocked. I don’t like to interfere and appreciate that she is an adult, but she has come to me for advice. Her DH is so kind and trustworthy, he adores her and is loved by the whole family. They have a lovely home together, are very comfortable financially.... I feel she could be making a huge mistake which she’ll later regret. DD acknowledges all of this but seems to think she’d be wasting her life away ‘settling’ with DH and can quite easily walk away and meet someone else who she’ll be much happier with.

AIBU to convince her to stick things out? I know all too well what awful men there are out there and DD truly has met a lovely man. The thought of her throwing all of this away because the ‘spark’ has faded and using this as a grounds for divorce baffles me.... AIBU?

OP posts:
formerbabe · 08/04/2019 16:07

It's quite young to be married nowadays.

It's her decision.

You say she may regret it but she'll regret staying with him even more if she has kids and is still unhappy and effectively trapped in her marriage.

SummerInSun · 08/04/2019 16:08

Sounds like she got married way too young, and she still sounds very young in her outlook now. The reality is that in most excellent long term relationships the spark develops into something deeper but less exciting.

It sounds like your fear is that she is mistaking this natural progression in a loving marriage as something being missing. And that may be true (I blame Instagram for the whole thing!). Or it may be the other way around - that now that the spark is going, she realises the something deeper isn't developing or likely to develop.

I think you can gently put it to her that it is worth considering that the spark stage of any relationship doesn't last, and suggest counselling. But she is still very young (I'd say way too young to be married), so if she wants to leave already, it's crucial that she knows she'll have your support.

Holidaycountdown · 08/04/2019 16:08

I’m in a very similar situation to your DD, no children, married nearly 4 years, together 9 and I went through with because I thought things would get better....they haven’t, we’re coasting along living like flat mates and although we still get on there’s no intimicacy in our relationship.
He knows things aren’t great but like your DDs DH is a lovely guy who would do anything for me.
I’m currently a student and my leaving would force him back into a room in a shared house as well so for the time being we’re just drifting but I don’t think there’s any turning this around and we’re just putting off the inevitable.
I haven’t said anything to any of my family, just my best friend, I think all you can do is be there to hold her hand when she needs it, trust me she will have been over and over it in her head already so if she’s ready to go you shouldn’t try and stop her.

Justmuddlingalong · 08/04/2019 16:09

Her financial situation, lovely house and much loved by the rest of the family DH is irrelevant. If she's unhappy and unfulfilled by her marriage it is nobody else's choice if she stays or splits. It sounds like you're worried more about what people will think or say than your own DD's happiness.

Babooshkar · 08/04/2019 16:09

If she’s unhappy and has been for a long time the why would you want to convince her to stay unhappy? It’s not fair on either of them and they are both young enough to move on and meet other people and start again without further baggage.

Helmetbymidnight · 08/04/2019 16:11

I really would just listen and nod. I might say, 'oh but we all like x' but very little more than that.

If you encourage her to stay, you know there's a good chance she'll resent you too.

Put her first. Back her. Trust her to do the right thing for her. She'll remember you did that forever.

Loopytiles · 08/04/2019 16:11

YABU.

And as PPs say, your attitudes may have been one of the reasons she married him.

Mainie · 08/04/2019 16:11

Yes YABU. She went through with the wedding to avoid disappointing family and friends. That was her first mistake, ignoring her feelings for the benefit of other people.

Remaining in a marriage that isn’t right for her for your benefit would be bigger mistake.

Exactly this. Whether you think he's 'lovely' or not, or how much he earns, is immaterial. You're not the one unhappily married to him. It will have taken a lot to make her come to you, given that she got married six months ago primarily out of a desire not to disappoint people. Support her whatever she decides, and sideline your desire for her to stick it out.

I got together with my husband at 19, and we're still happily together in our mid-40s, but I realise how unusual this is. You can grow out of people.

Letthemysterybe · 08/04/2019 16:12

26 is so very young to be in an unfulfilling marriage. So I would definitely not encourage her to stick it out. If she were twenty years older with kids I would encourage her to seek marriage counselling etc. But she is so young, and four years is a short relationship really to have lost the spark and be bored.

juneau · 08/04/2019 16:13

Please don't try and convince her to stay in her marriage because YOU and the rest of the family really like her DH! It's her life. You can say your piece, but if she had doubts even before they married and those doubts haven't gone away I'd say you're on a hiding to nothing other than perhaps her resentment if you persuade her to stay. It does sound very sad and a real shame, but it's her life and tbh if the spark has gone already it hardly bodes well for a long and happy marriage.

BackInTime · 08/04/2019 16:13

Sounds like she married too young before she knew who she was and what she wanted in life.

ILoveAllRainbowsx · 08/04/2019 16:14

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

scaryteacher · 08/04/2019 16:14

Summerinthesun The reality is that in most excellent long term relationships the spark develops into something deeper but less exciting. This in spades...but the deeper is very good too (34 years this year!)

Chipsncheeze · 08/04/2019 16:15

*Yabu

It's really none of your business*

It really bugs me when people go to the effort to log on to mumsnet to make fucking idiotic comments like this.

Great contribution geologyrocks, really great contribution. I guess if someone you care (in this case her fucking daughter!) about confided in you, you would ignore your own concerns about their well being and would simply say "it's really none of my business"?

Sparklesco ultimately it will be her decision, but all you can do is voice the same concerns you raised here to your DD.
What a great friend/confidante you must be!! Hmm

Original poster
Sparklesco · 08/04/2019 16:15

The last thing I want is for DD to be unhappy, however, I’m conscious that the grass isn’t always greener and I worry that she may not be appreciating that. I’d hate for her to move from this in to a relationship with an unfaithful or abusive man and look back at what she had with her DH and feel regretful, when it’s all too late.

She has committed in other ways as they have bought a house together too. A messy divorce just wasn’t what I saw for DD, especially not at her age

OP posts:
Jenasaurus · 08/04/2019 16:15

I wish I had been told to leave my EX years ago. I met him at 17 and spent 28 years with him (over 20 of them unhappy) let her leave him and then both of them may have a chance of finding happiness elsewhere.

breadzeb · 08/04/2019 16:16

Her DH is so kind and trustworthy,

You don't actually know that. He could be anything. Support your daughter by allowing g her to make her own decision without having to take into consideration how you feel.

OliviaBenson · 08/04/2019 16:17

A messy divorce just wasn’t what I saw for DD, especially not at her age

Don't you want her to be happy though? This clearly isn't a new issue her. Your daughter is saying she is unhappy - listen to her!

You just sound like you don't want her to rock the boat to be honest.

Dana28 · 08/04/2019 16:17

Your daughter sounds very immature.she was a selfish idiot to go through with the wedding when she already was having second thoughts. Also Does she not understand that all marriages calm down and are not indefinitely fireworks and passion they settle into something much more comfortable. Is she was serious about her wedding vows she should be working at the marriage. I strongly suspect she's cheating or thinking about cheating on her husband with someone she already knows

Purpleartichoke · 08/04/2019 16:17

Please don’t.

Right now she can walk away fairly clean. The second children enter the equation, that changes.

It’s entirely possible that she is just having trouble adjusting to a normal life without the excitement of a new relationship and then wedding plans. It’s also possible that she really does need to leave. if it’s the former, than divorcing will be a mistake, but one that causes minimal complication.

SunshineCake · 08/04/2019 16:18

Sounds like she doesn't take marriage seriously. I thought going through with a marriage you say you don't want for the sake of others went out years ago. What's the real reason she married him and the real one she wants out after five minutes ?

3luckystars · 08/04/2019 16:18

There is a book called 'too bad to stay, too good to leave' buy that for her and it might help her with the decision, but you have leave her make that decision.

It must be disappointing that it didn't work out, but it would be devastating to find out in 20 years that she had wasted her life being unhappy just to please you.

I just wanted to wish you well x

ForalltheSaints · 08/04/2019 16:18

There is one consolation if that is the correct word in that as there are no children there are only two people who are really affected by whatever decision is made. Though the possibility of your DD having met someone else or having an MH condition such as depression is something to consider. You mention the financially comfortable bit, but is it- could there be the possibility of one or other person losing their job for example?

Justmuddlingalong · 08/04/2019 16:19

Selling a house and divorcing isn't necessarily messy. Stop looking for excuses as to why she should stay. It sounds like she's already decided enough's enough and was giving you the head's up.

MrsTerryPratchett · 08/04/2019 16:19

I’d hate for her to move from this in to a relationship with an unfaithful or abusive man and look back at what she had with her DH and feel regretful, when it’s all too late.

Wouldn't you hate her to spend 50 years regretting her marriage and feeling that she settled? She's 26 and there are PLENTY of other men out there.