To convince DD not to end her marriage

[Sparklesco]

DD (26) has confided in me that she’s contemplating a divorce after just 6 months of marriage. This has come as a total shock to me but apparently she started to feel this way before the wedding but didn’t want to let anyone down. DD was 22 and her DH 29 when they met. DD’s reason is that ‘the spark has gone’ and she’s no longer attracted to, or interested in him and feels generally unfulfilled and unhappy. She says DH hasn’t done anything wrong, nor is there anything that he could do to change her feelings (he knows she’s unhappy but apparently has no idea things are this serious - I know he’d be distraught). She says she’s ‘outgrown’ the relationship.

DD and I are very close and I feel devastated and shocked. I don’t like to interfere and appreciate that she is an adult, but she has come to me for advice. Her DH is so kind and trustworthy, he adores her and is loved by the whole family. They have a lovely home together, are very comfortable financially.... I feel she could be making a huge mistake which she’ll later regret. DD acknowledges all of this but seems to think she’d be wasting her life away ‘settling’ with DH and can quite easily walk away and meet someone else who she’ll be much happier with.

AIBU to convince her to stick things out? I know all too well what awful men there are out there and DD truly has met a lovely man. The thought of her throwing all of this away because the ‘spark’ has faded and using this as a grounds for divorce baffles me.... AIBU?

I stayed in a relationship because my mother liked my then partner. We were close but she didn’t realise how bad about myself he made me feel in private. To everyone else concerned he was lovely! In private he put me down at every opportunity.

I ended up having 2 affairs to have an “excuse” to end the relationship, which tore him apart, hurt my parents and made it extremely messy to deal with. Like your DD I had been with him since I was young and he was older.

I’ve now found an amazing husband who is supportive and wonderful. We have a beautiful daughter and I couldn’t be happier.

Maybe suggest to your daughter she has some relationship counselling (she can go alone) to make sure this is what she wants, then support her in her decision.

Speaking from experience.... your daughter has probably already made her mind up. What she needs you to do is tell her that you’ll support her whatever her decisions, that you love her and that you will still love her whatever decisions she makes. Even if they are the wrong ones in your eyes. Advise by all means, make sure she is happy in her decisions but please don’t let her think that you’ll be disappointed if she goes her own way on this. Good luck!

I was married from the age of 22. I knew after a very short time he was the wrong guy for me. Everybody loved him because on the outside he was a loving husband but with me he was cold, unemotional and eventually abusive. My family were strict catholic’s and divorce was a no no. I knew I would not be supported in anyway if I divorced. I was petrified of going through that alone. I wasted 26 years of my life with a man I resented and eventually grew to hate. I wished my family had supported my decision to leave in the early days. I would have save myself years of misery! Please support your daughters decision as hard as it is for you to watch. She really is the the author of her own life. If she stays to please you and others, she will eventually resent and blame you.

The sad thing is she only went through with the marriage cause she didn't want to let anyone down. My heart goes out to her, can't imagine how she felt on the day while everyone around her had a party. Must have been a very lonely experience for her. You're right, she is probably throwing away a good man, but better that then years or misery and what ifs. I know someone who went through something similar and the marriage eventually broke down after three kids, very sad and painful time for her but she's in a loving and committed relationship now. You have to be attracted to your partner otherwise it's a long prison sentence! Would advise her to do what's best for her, and that you'll support and love her whatever she decides to do.

A lot of people say they only went through with their wedding to please those around them. I'm a bit sceptical of that to be honest. More than likely she got swept along in the excitement and didn't give much thought to what came after the big day, but saying that would make her sound flighty whereas saying she did it to please everyone else gives a slight air of martyrdom. Either way, she's clearly not mature enough to be married and as sad as you may find it, OP, you just need to be there and be supportive. It would be a whole lot sadder if there was a baby involved. Her husband may be a great guy but if she doesn't want to be with him he's not the right great guy for her.

Wow I’m surprised by these answers. I met and married your husband at the same ages as your daughter. The first year was a real shock and I felt quite suffocated and like I’d made an error. I stuck it out and we have been married for 16 years very happily.
The point of being married rather than just going out together is that you’re committed and you get through things, you don’t just jump ship on a whim.
I’d definitely encourage her to try to make it work. She only has to try for a year then if it’s not better separate. I feel sure things will improve.

Why would you want your daughter to remain in an unhappy marriage? If I were you I'd listen to her without judgement and support her in her decision. Better out sooner than later surely before children come or being older makes it harder to meet someone else to have children with.

Unfortunately I know lots of people where one
or both partners was under 25 when they got married who got divorced by the time they were 35. Quite a few who are in their late 40s to late 70s have now been married to their 2nd spouse longer than their first one.

It's not a disaster to get divorced especially when there are no kids involved but it is a disaster to stay in an unhappy marriage.

Just remind your daughter that she will have to stay married for at least another 6 months, and if she wants to avoid really hurting her husband at least another year after that unless the new divorce bill goes through.

OP I was your DD but thankfully I didn’t go through with the marriage (I actually ended the engagement after a couple of weeks). But my mum’s reaction was SO disappointing and unsupportive. She told me I was crazy as he was such a nice guy, had good prospects, I might not meet someone else etc etc. I was 23!!

He ended up meeting someone else a year later and they are now married with two kids. I am happy things have worked out for him - I bump into him occasionally and not once have I wished I was still with him! I just don’t have feelings for him at all.

I had another, happy relationship afterwards which didn’t work out and was then single for a while. I knew my mum was thinking I would regret calling off the engagement during 3 years of dating but not meeting anyone but I never did! I was much happier single than trapped in an unhappy relationship. I am now with a lovely DP, we live together happily and will probably get engaged soon

Thank god I didn’t follow my mum’s advice! I knew he was wrong for me but hadn’t wanted to disappoint everyone by breaking up with him. As it was I had to deal with lots of shocked people when I told them. But far better than being stuck in an unhappy relationship for appearance’s sake!

Hard as it is you just have to let your adult children make their own mistakes and stand by to pick up the pieces.
You can talk around a subject to give different perspectives but there should be no pressure to act in a certain way. It's their life.

I think your DD has probably married too young to a man she should not have married, nice though he is; and had they have simply been living together I think your feelings about this would be different.

I understand if you are thinking that it can seem that some younger people have a tendency to give up too soon or to expect the romance to last forever and perhaps have unrealistic expectations of marriage. But - if two people, lovely though they both are, are not right for each other, surely it's better to end it now. At 26 your DD has her whole life ahead of her.

Also - I haven't read full thread but your OP didn't mention children so I'm assuming they don't have any. A marriage separation where there are no children involved is a lot easier than where waiting a few years and bringing children into the mix.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with advising your daughter if she has confided in you and making suggestions. I would be careful not to "persuade" though. There is a difference.

I'm actually very surprised by these responses too. They got married, she is only 6months in. Yes they were young when they got together but they aren't young to be married at all. If she felt this way before the wedding then she could have confided in you then or called it off. I think she has met someone else and it has highlighted to her that the spark has gone. This happened to me but I cancelled my wedding. I was mature enough to do that at 22years old, your daughter is 26.

Give your advice once when asked for it but then leave her to it. I personally would be encouraging her to be honest with her husband.

They may be able to fix this, they may not. But she needs to make that decision.

Support by all means, but also accept that she is an adult. If she is adult enough to marry a man she had doubts about then she is adult enough to face a divorce and the dating scene again.

You daughter needs to learn that marriage is not all sunshine and rainbows. It requires commitment and lots of work. Leaving someone just because you don't feel the same for them anymore is just plain cruel and selfish. Most marriages go through this phase. Mine did. We were on the verge of divorce at one point. It was bad. We both didn't feel the same for each other after a while but we then made a conscious effort to work through it. We worked on our communication and tried to look for things We had to stick it out through the bad phase. We are in a much better place now. We feel love towards each other again. But then we want to throttle each other as well at times. Marriage is like this. Its a roller coaster and there are ups and downs. It's a work in progress and your daughter needs to know this before she makes a decision which will hurt one person in the process and might hurt her too in the long run. If he is as good as a person as you say he is and she admits that then she needs to atleast try to save this marriage. She seems like she has just check out and not even putting any effort.

You think he's lovely and trustworthy and they are financially secure.
He could be financially controlling.
You are not there all the time inside the marriage.
He could be completely different when not in your company.
This has to be her decision. Do not make her feel guilty for this because you don't agree.
Would you honestly want her to stay in an unhappy marriage just to keep you happy?