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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To convince DD not to end her marriage

239 replies

Sparklesco · 08/04/2019 15:45

DD (26) has confided in me that she’s contemplating a divorce after just 6 months of marriage. This has come as a total shock to me but apparently she started to feel this way before the wedding but didn’t want to let anyone down. DD was 22 and her DH 29 when they met. DD’s reason is that ‘the spark has gone’ and she’s no longer attracted to, or interested in him and feels generally unfulfilled and unhappy. She says DH hasn’t done anything wrong, nor is there anything that he could do to change her feelings (he knows she’s unhappy but apparently has no idea things are this serious - I know he’d be distraught). She says she’s ‘outgrown’ the relationship.

DD and I are very close and I feel devastated and shocked. I don’t like to interfere and appreciate that she is an adult, but she has come to me for advice. Her DH is so kind and trustworthy, he adores her and is loved by the whole family. They have a lovely home together, are very comfortable financially.... I feel she could be making a huge mistake which she’ll later regret. DD acknowledges all of this but seems to think she’d be wasting her life away ‘settling’ with DH and can quite easily walk away and meet someone else who she’ll be much happier with.

AIBU to convince her to stick things out? I know all too well what awful men there are out there and DD truly has met a lovely man. The thought of her throwing all of this away because the ‘spark’ has faded and using this as a grounds for divorce baffles me.... AIBU?

OP posts:
Snugglepumpkin · 08/04/2019 16:54

YABU.
He might be the nicest man in the world but does that mean she has to put up with up to 80 years of lonely unfulfilled misery because he isn't horrid?
Fair enough if you are just asking her if she is really sure & to think seriously before making that decision final, but if you tell your own daughter 'he is nice so she should stay' she will never forget because you are essentially saying she is the one in the wrong.
That might be true, but if you pick him over your own daughter it's going to hurt her. You are her mother, at the end of the day you should be on her side.

azulmariposa · 08/04/2019 16:54

You don't know what happens behind closed doors. Her dh might be awful to her.
If she wants to divorce, then it's nothing to do with you. It says a lot that she was too scared to stop the marriage before it happened, I would think that your reaction may be why.

Support her no matter what she wants to do otherwise you may lose her.
Some of my family thought the sun shone out of my ex's backside and put pressure on me to stay with him. But they didn't know the abuse I was going through.

sonjadog · 08/04/2019 16:55

I think you need to have a look at your own expectations for life. Is finding a man and having a home the most important thing? More important than being really happy? I think your daughter is very young to just settle for a comfortable home and life that she isn't passionate about. Yes, she could meet a man who is not good for her, but she could also meet someone who she adores, who is a great person, who she will have a fantastic relationship with. Rather that than settling with someone she doesn't love at age 26 because they have a nice house.

CostanzaG · 08/04/2019 16:57

It's not really your business. You just need to be there to support her.
I got married at 23 and my family adored him. They thought he was reliable, trustworthy etc, etc.
The reality was he was controlling and emotionally abusive.
I left him aged 30 and didn't get the support I'd hoped for from some family and friends. Those relationships have never recovered.

SmallFastPenguin · 08/04/2019 17:00

She's your dd so tell her you will always support her no matter what and she is old enough to make her own decision about such a personal matter.

Settlersofcatan · 08/04/2019 17:02

One of my friends was in your daughter's position. Her DH genuinely was and is a lovely guy. I understood why her mother was so upset and tried to persuade her to stay but he wasn't right for her. She is single several years on but happier.

HedgerowTree · 08/04/2019 17:03

Why should you be happy that she’s settled down with a good man? She might be happier dating until she’s 60, but sounds like that’s by the housewife daughter you want to tell your friends about at your book club.

Solopower1 · 08/04/2019 17:06

There's a lot of kind, constructive advice on here, as well as some sad stories and other happier ones.

I hope your daughter finds happiness, and that your worries are unfounded. Good things can come out of this, as others have said.

FermatsTheorem · 08/04/2019 17:10

I realise you want what's best for your daughter - but really, your role is just to sit and listen, and give her a shoulder to cry on. You cannot and should not be prescriptive about this.

Maybe this is a case of the grass is greener, maybe it's a case of "she shouldn't have married him in the first place, but couldn't face the embarrassment of calling off the wedding." You cannot possibly know, and in any case, as an adult, she's entitled to make her own mistakes.

It may well be that by persuading her to stay in the marriage you'd be condemning her to a lifetime of boredom and the feeling of "there should have been more to my life than this." Or perhaps you can prolong an essentially failing relationship just long enough for them to have a child, in which case all you'll have done is turn a clean break at an early stage into a complete clusterfuck.

So in short, given that you don't have a crystal ball, and don't know what the best outcome is, you just butt out and listen sympathetically.

juneau · 08/04/2019 17:10

My family loved my first proper BF - we lived together and I think they all thought we'd get married. After five years we split up. My DM cried when she said goodbye to him for the last time. I'm so grateful she didn't try to persuade me to 'stick it out'. He was and is lovely, but he wasn't right for me and I wouldn't have wanted to marry him.

juneau · 08/04/2019 17:11

Great post FermatsTheorem

e1y1 · 08/04/2019 17:12

No don't convince her to "stick it out", be there to support her no matter what decision she makes; if she realises later that she made a massive mistake then tough for her, it's her mistake to make and her lesson to learn.

She deserves to be happy and he deserves to be with someone who wants to actually be with him.

LooksBetterWithAFilter · 08/04/2019 17:17

I left my first husband for similar reasons. Tbh by the time I left I was already starting to hate him and could feel resentment building. This is what will happen to your daughter eventually if it hasn’t already. She won’t be happy she will in fact be very unhappy in the long run. It would be better for her to end her marriage now and both her and her husband will have a chance of moving on and finding someone else. The other option is that they continue on this road, possibly have children and end up hating each other and divorcing further down the line and putting children and themselves through all that pain and still being stuck in each other lives forever.

It will be painful for everyone but far better now than later. Me and my ex dh did have children and thankful we talked and split up before the damage was irreparable and we are great friends now because he is a nice guy and he had done nothing wrong.
I’m married to someone else now and yes I kissed a few frogs but my dh is a lovely man who my dc adore and him and my ex get on great as well.

Support her be there for her. I know you’re worried and this isn’t what you imagined for her but she needs to do what she feels is beat for her.

StormTreader · 08/04/2019 17:18

If they are truly "meant to be" then they could always get married again further down the line! For whatever reason she's looking at 70 more years of this situation and doesn't want it.

bringincrazyback · 08/04/2019 17:20

She's unhappy. Why would you want to encourage her to 'stick things out' if she's not happy? #perplexed

gamerchick · 08/04/2019 17:21

What does he deserve OP? Does he deserve to be stuck in a marriage where the other doesn't want him? Is that fair to him?

Tell her you're there for her but don't interfere. If she's told you then she's already checked out.

There may be someone else in the background or maybe not. Your job is to just be there.

Supersimpkin · 08/04/2019 17:26

Sounds as if DD married to please you and the family, not herself. Now that's backfired (quel surprise) and she's asking permission to leave.

Be the DM she deserves by telling her it's not your decision, it's hers.

Incidentally, I don't know anyone who split at age 26 and regretted it or ruined their life. I do know people who married at 26 who are now divorced.

FifisLovelyApron · 08/04/2019 17:27

I wouldn't advise her to stay with a man she's not attracted to anymore because safe and boring means you don't have to worry about her. Maybe she'll regret leaving, or maybe she'll be much happier. The gamble is probably better than domestic death.

I know a lot of women who settled, and a couple of men. They all seem to go through the motions, and live vicariously through their children and their happier friends. Plus of course there are affairs...

Nanny0gg · 08/04/2019 17:28

It is the OP's business!

Her daughter is talking to her about it. She hasn't just rocked up with a fait accompli 'Hi Mum. We're divorced'

Yes the OP should support her daughter, but she is involved because she's at least being used as a sounding board.

And don't you think that crises in your child's lives are your business? Or will you just wave them off at 18 without a care or future concern in the world?

Good luck with that!

OP - I would suggest you get her to go to a counsellor. On her own to start with. Let them help her explore her feelings and come to some conclusions. Does she feel there's a need to rush the decision?

JacquesHammer · 08/04/2019 17:32

Yes the OP should support her daughter, but she is involved because she's at least being used as a sounding board

And don't you think that crises in your child's lives are your business? Or will you just wave them off at 18 without a care or future concern in the world?

It is her business in that should be there to listen. It absolutely isn’t her place to “convince her to stick it out”.

Teateaandmoretea · 08/04/2019 17:35

There's a lot of sense in staying with a partner who's kind and loving but with whom there's no spark any more - if you're in your 40s and you have a couple of kids and a big mortgage and stuff. But at 26? That's a long old life.

A 40-year old might live for longer than the 26 year old.

In either case in very long term relationships the spark comes and goes. She seems pretty certain it isnt going to come back though and as pp have said children are a whole new level of complication, if they are to split sooner rather than later is better.

Genevieva · 08/04/2019 17:38

I think the only thing you can do is recommend that they seek marriage counselling. Preferable quite extensive counselling (both separate and together) so the counsellor can help her articulate her feelings more fully and understand where they come from. It might be that they are not well suited, or it might be that the source of the problem can be identified and dealt with. Maybe she feels bored by a middle-aged lifestyle that he is comfortable with. Would he be willing to step outside his comfort zone and do exciting things with her. The reality of adult life, with bills to pay, can be a bit a of a let down and it is possible that she is misidentifying the source of her unhappiness. However, if this relationship is not going to last you will have to accept it.

Kahlua4me · 08/04/2019 17:42

My dh got married in his early 20s and she left him when they were about 30, no dc.They had just got married too young and after time realised that they wanted different things in life. Both of them are lovely people but not right together. Lucky for me really, as I met him soon after and we have been married a long time now!

As her mum you need to be there to listen and love her. Make sure she knows that she will have a bed at your house if she needs it. That may be all she needs, knowing she has an escape route could be enough for her to work out if she needs it or not.

Either way, it is her decision to make. Your role is to guide her and offer advice when needed, but keep her thoughts and wishes focussed in your mind- not your dreams for her.

IdblowJonSnow · 08/04/2019 17:42

You would be bang out of order as you're asking. It's obviously not been right for some time. She's way too young to settle with Mr not right. It's a shame they got married but these things happen. Would you prefer they trundled on, had kids and then split up?

SilverySurfer · 08/04/2019 17:51

Her DH is so kind and trustworthy, he adores her and is loved by the whole family. They have a lovely home together, are very comfortable financially.

All completely irrelevant - the only important thing is your DD is unhappy.. It is entirely her decision and YWBVU to attempt to convince her to stay. I wonder why you would even consider doing that and am getting the vibe that you're more concerned what family and friends may say. Surely her happiness trumps that?