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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To convince DD not to end her marriage

239 replies

Sparklesco · 08/04/2019 15:45

DD (26) has confided in me that she’s contemplating a divorce after just 6 months of marriage. This has come as a total shock to me but apparently she started to feel this way before the wedding but didn’t want to let anyone down. DD was 22 and her DH 29 when they met. DD’s reason is that ‘the spark has gone’ and she’s no longer attracted to, or interested in him and feels generally unfulfilled and unhappy. She says DH hasn’t done anything wrong, nor is there anything that he could do to change her feelings (he knows she’s unhappy but apparently has no idea things are this serious - I know he’d be distraught). She says she’s ‘outgrown’ the relationship.

DD and I are very close and I feel devastated and shocked. I don’t like to interfere and appreciate that she is an adult, but she has come to me for advice. Her DH is so kind and trustworthy, he adores her and is loved by the whole family. They have a lovely home together, are very comfortable financially.... I feel she could be making a huge mistake which she’ll later regret. DD acknowledges all of this but seems to think she’d be wasting her life away ‘settling’ with DH and can quite easily walk away and meet someone else who she’ll be much happier with.

AIBU to convince her to stick things out? I know all too well what awful men there are out there and DD truly has met a lovely man. The thought of her throwing all of this away because the ‘spark’ has faded and using this as a grounds for divorce baffles me.... AIBU?

OP posts:
Boysey45 · 09/04/2019 19:01

Just support her with leaving him, if shes had enough then shes had enough.

Fabulousdahlink · 09/04/2019 19:03

Better for her to go...for her sake as she's unhappy, for his sake so he can find someone who does love him and before they have children together. Thats absolutely the best time.
I stayed many years in an unhappy relationship because of my children and the financial security and ' respectability' value. I'm now single ( he walked out on me and his children to live with a mutual friend)
I'm as poor as a very poor church mouse but very happy in a 1 yr relationship with an amazing man- the healthiest and happiest I've been for 20 years. On paper it looks awful...but I truely know how staying in a relationship that is dead and gone can be toxic to your soul.
They can both be happy again with other people. Let them. Just be there for the tsunami of emotions she'll have. She's going to need you. I needed my mum and I was 48 when he left....married 23 years ( of which 10 were abject misery). She has confided in the one person she knows her best and has her back.
She might be making a stupendous error...or the best choice. Only time will tell. But she will need you for the process either way.

RosaWaiting · 09/04/2019 19:16

I agree with pp, you have no idea what goes on behind closed doors. Their life, on a daily basis, might be annoying the crap out of her and that's no way to live at any age.

I couldn't help noticing you said this "As someone else said, I thought she had settled down with a wonderful man and felt comfortable and positive about her future. Now I am left worrying about her future."

when I was 26, my parents really wanted me to "settle down" and get married as well. Later in life they realised that one thing isn't necessarily about the other, and also people find happiness in different ways. So if you are saying "what if she stays single" - that's not a disaster. In many ways, I think my mum in particular would be worried for me if I had gone down that road. Marriage isn't for everyone.

nuxe1984 · 09/04/2019 19:17

My advice to her would be for both of them to go to relationship counselling. There must have been something at the beginning of the relationship that attracted her so perhaps she needs to reconnect with those feelings again.

Although it's possible that now the excitement of being engaged and planning the wedding has gone and the reality of day-to-day life as husband and wife has hit her, she's realised that this actually isn't the person for her right now.

She was very young to get married and, I suspect, swept away by the fact an older man was interested and it would be fun to be a bride.

Bankofenglandfiver · 09/04/2019 19:53

You have no idea what he’s like to live with.

It’s really none of your business and you should support your daughter.

PerspicaciaTick · 09/04/2019 19:54

Is she sure that it isn't just a sense of anticlimax following the excitement of the wedding? That it isn't a transitional issue while she adjusts to being married?
If she is sure then I think all you can do is support her.

sunshinelollipopsrainbows · 09/04/2019 19:55

Yes you'd be unreasonable to persuade her either way, if she's already done all she can. I was in a very similar position last year and I'm glad I ended my marriage.

SuspiciouslyMinded · 09/04/2019 19:58

From your point of view, OP, the news is obviously saddening and disappointing. But you shouldn’t try to persuade her to stay in a marriage she’s unhappy with, not least because you’d then be putting pressure on her about who she should have sex with for the rest of her life. And that’s for nobody to decide but herself. I am sorry for your son-in-law, but as a PP said, of he’s a lovely man he deserves to find someone who will appreciate him.

Just as good that the government is about to overhaul the outdated divorce laws.

Alsohuman · 09/04/2019 19:59

Well, if ever there was an oxymoron it’s “It’s really none of your business and you should support your daughter”.

OP’s daughter has made it her business. I’m a bit mystified by the people who think you should support your children, no matter what and never question their choices. Why?

hareagain · 09/04/2019 20:01

Op, don't do this to your daughter, support her please x

hareagain · 09/04/2019 20:04

Blush at the 'x'. Autopilot as messaging friends at same time where its what we do

Chickychoccyegg · 09/04/2019 20:08

I think your dd was very selfish to get married if she was having doubts especially if her dh is as nice as you think, what a waste of everyones time and money going to a wedding thats lasted 6 months, shes giving it no chance at all.
Obviously she shouldn't stay in an unhappy marraige, but she should've walked away before the wedding or at least give it a decent shot now, what about a trail seperation?

fourcanaries · 09/04/2019 20:08

Just tell her you can't advise or make the decision for her but whatever she decides you'll support her and be there for her.

JacquesHammer · 09/04/2019 20:09

OP’s daughter has made it her business. I’m a bit mystified by the people who think you should support your children, no matter what and never question their choices. Why?

Because the OP specifically asked about convincing DD not to end her marriage. There’s a whole raft of behaviours between that and blind support.

hareagain · 09/04/2019 20:10

Alsohuman - in this case though, people genuinely think she should for good reason.

happymum12345 · 09/04/2019 20:18

For what it's worth, I think you should give your opinion to your dd. My husband had an affair years ago and my mum never said she has been great, but I know I would tell my own dd to leave if her husband cheated as it's a heartbreaking thing to live with. Give your advice - mums know best. Usually.

Bankofenglandfiver · 09/04/2019 20:20

Of course the op can support her daughter in the road forward without wading in “convincing” her not to end her marriage coz he’s a good catch, has money and seems nice.

TomorrowsDiet · 09/04/2019 20:25

You have no idea what the marriage is really like. Support her, don’t judge. Why should she settle for a lifetime of unhappiness??

Finalyfine · 09/04/2019 20:28

If she asked you for advice then advice her. I think couple counselling sounds good. Weddings normal put a lot pressure on a couple especially if it goes overboard and they went into debt. Debt is very hard to live. Of course I do not know how much their wedding cost, if they over spent then debt advice might save them. It is easier to blame spark than money. More relationships break over finacial troubles than people are ready to admit to.

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/04/2019 20:32

I am glad you are feeling more positive. Ywbvu to intervene. Such wise words on this thread.

CoffeeRunner · 09/04/2019 20:45

I felt pretty much like your DD does throughout my marriage. We stayed together mainly because of our DCs (DS1 was born a year before we married) but also because I felt that it was "the expected norm." I knew my mum would never have supported my leaving H for example.

Fast forward to 2016, 18 years into the marriage & I discover H had began an emotional affair with a woman at work with whom he had/has much more in common. We separated for 8 months before deciding to try again "for the children" (DC3 was 5).

Barely 12 months later I met another man at work. We were friends & only friends to start with but I suddenly, at 42, found myself feeling something for a man that I had never ever felt before. This made me realise that whilst I did have "feelings" for my H, I didn't truly love him - and I'm not honestly sure I ever did. Not in a romantic sense.

I ended the marriage after 20 years (almost to the day) and now cannot describe how free & happy I am to be a single woman. H & I are still good friends, and actually get on so much better now that we live separate lives in separate homes.

I had an amazing few months with the man I met at work before he moved away (was always the plan, he is not from the UK, and was only ever in the area for a set time) but that is not why I ended my marriage. I ended up because feeling love for him made me realise I had never felt that kind of love before.

Sorry to ramble, but basically my point is this - if my DD ever came to me and confided what yours has, I would support her to leave. I know how it feels to "do the right thing" & it isn't always for the best.

lborgia · 09/04/2019 20:45

Can you try and imagine the minute by minute process of being in a marriage you don't want?

7am, wake up and see your husband, feel guilty because you wish you weren't there.
7.05am, have conversation about the day feeling bored, distressed, worn out by pretending. (Feel guilty).
7.30am, yet again avoid the conversation about having a baby because you cannot imagine enjoying a mini break right now, let alone get your head around pregnancy (feel guilty).

And on and on and on...

Every single moment is coloured by your internal conversation, every time he asks something of you, you feel resentful. Every time you prevaricate you feel a little more guilty because you don't want to go to dinner with him, go on holiday, discuss your 5 year plan.

Why? Why would that be your choice for your child?

Death by a thousand paper cuts.

Treacletoots · 09/04/2019 20:54

I was your daughter OP. I went through with a wedding so as not to disappoint people when I knew it wasn't right. On the surface we seemed to have everything but underneath it all he was an emotionally abusive, lazy cocklodger.

Looking back I realise my parents liked him because they felt I needed to be controlled, like they tried to and failed all my life. When they took his side, I went NC and its been the best decision I've ever made.

I took the time to find DH. I wasn't ever going to settle. Again. I spent a good couple of years single in my early 30s and it was awesome to be quite honest. Then the most wonderful man arrived, and we married and have a 2 year old DD.

If she's come to you, she's already made yp her mind. Please just be there whenever and. However she needs you.

Divorces aren't messy unless you make it that way.

TalbotAMan · 09/04/2019 20:55

You have a difficult problem.

As a parent, I think you have to let her take her own decision and support her in whatever she decides. It's hard, but if you are too hands-on you risk damaging your relationship with your child.

However, if I had a friend in this position, I would say to them that the first year of marriage is bloody hard, because no matter how much you loved them in the first place, you are now tied to them 24/7 in a way that you weren't in the past, even if you previously lived together, and that is a big shock to the system, and that 6 months really isn't long enough to adjust. They would need to get through that first year to ensure that they had a clear head and could decide what they really wanted.

Longpinknails · 09/04/2019 20:56

YABU...she has made her mind up. She is an adult and it will be ok. It will be hard but she will come out at the other end.