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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To convince DD not to end her marriage

239 replies

Sparklesco · 08/04/2019 15:45

DD (26) has confided in me that she’s contemplating a divorce after just 6 months of marriage. This has come as a total shock to me but apparently she started to feel this way before the wedding but didn’t want to let anyone down. DD was 22 and her DH 29 when they met. DD’s reason is that ‘the spark has gone’ and she’s no longer attracted to, or interested in him and feels generally unfulfilled and unhappy. She says DH hasn’t done anything wrong, nor is there anything that he could do to change her feelings (he knows she’s unhappy but apparently has no idea things are this serious - I know he’d be distraught). She says she’s ‘outgrown’ the relationship.

DD and I are very close and I feel devastated and shocked. I don’t like to interfere and appreciate that she is an adult, but she has come to me for advice. Her DH is so kind and trustworthy, he adores her and is loved by the whole family. They have a lovely home together, are very comfortable financially.... I feel she could be making a huge mistake which she’ll later regret. DD acknowledges all of this but seems to think she’d be wasting her life away ‘settling’ with DH and can quite easily walk away and meet someone else who she’ll be much happier with.

AIBU to convince her to stick things out? I know all too well what awful men there are out there and DD truly has met a lovely man. The thought of her throwing all of this away because the ‘spark’ has faded and using this as a grounds for divorce baffles me.... AIBU?

OP posts:
IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 08/04/2019 18:59

She should leave for his sake, if he's as nice as you say he deserves to find someone who loves him not someone who settled for him as he's a decent guy.

FermatsTheorem · 08/04/2019 19:02

You've gotta love AIBU.

Poster A: "People only ever do X when Y..."

Other posters: "Not necessarily..."

Poster A: "Do so... every one. Every last one of them..."

Poster B: "Well I didn't do X when Y..."

Poster A (who to the best of our collective knowledge doesn't know poster B from Adam): "Yeah you did. You're lying when you say you didn't. Because everyone in the whole human race only ever does X when Y..."

EmrysAtticus · 08/04/2019 19:02

Realistically all you can do is reassure her that you are always there for her and will support her whatever she chooses. I can understand why you are worried in case she has mistaken that normal settling down of passion for the end of the marriage and having been on MN for years I have seen how many awful men there are out there.

However she is an adult and she has to make this decision herself and just know that you are there for her.

Alsohuman · 08/04/2019 19:03

Come off it @Dana. Don't judge everyone by your standards. There was nobody else on the scene when I canned my marriage either.

1633tonow · 08/04/2019 19:06

FermatsTheorem

Yep. Little lives and little experience. Some people can never see the world in a different way to how they have experienced it themselves and think everyone has the same emotions as them.

To wit... those who are saying there must be someone else have had someone else! Grin

GreatDuckCookery · 08/04/2019 19:06

She’s not happy though OP. No matter how lovely her H is she doesn’t want to be with him. Of course it would be sad for her to enter a relationship that didn’t work out for all sorts of reasons but she can’t stay with him just because of what might happen.

JacquesHammer · 08/04/2019 19:07

yeah - don't believe you.You ended a marriage purely because you were both bored, but neither of you had someone else in their sights? Rubbish!

Oh no a faceless non-entity on MN doesn’t believe me, what horror Grin

I’m still single now 5 years later. Ex was single for two years and is now happily married again.

Maybe don’t judge everyone by your low standards?

CordeliaEarhart · 08/04/2019 19:56

OP, my mum probably felt like you when I walked away from a relationship a few weeks before my wedding. It was tough for her because she had thought I was happy and settling down. She didn't tell me that for years. She was totally "do what you think is best, it's your life, we love you and support you whatever happens".

You ultimately know your DDs happiness is what's important, but it doesn't change the fact that you're shocked / upset that her life isn't turning out the way you expected. Just don't pass your (totally normal) parental worry on to her - she simply needs to figure out what is best for her. You've raised a strong young woman who knows that "settling for the nice bloke" isn't right for her, feels confident in starting again and trusts you enough to confide in you. If she asks you what to do, tell her that you trust her judgement on how to make herself happy. It's her life and she must live it as she sees fit.

As for happy endings - I've been in relationships since my engagement and one was with a truly wonderful man who ticked all the boxes. But I'm happiest alone and the love and support offered by my DM when I walked away from my engagement has helped give me the courage to live my life in a way that makes me happy.

Dillydallyingthrough · 08/04/2019 21:28

I agree 100% with SummerinSun. I'm surprised at the number of replies giving you a shitty replies. Your DD is clearly close to you as she confided in you. You must be an amazing mom for her to feel she can tell you something so huge and want your advice. I hope I have the same relationship with my DD when she is older (teen at the moment). Many couples I know after being married struggle as the excitement of the wedding is over. I believe all relationships have their hard moments but that what's make them stronger. Obviously if after working on her relationship she still feels she wants to separately that's different. But until she tries, she's not going to know for certain that it over and she may regret it in the future.

You must be so worried for your DD, but whatever decision she makes, take comfort in how much she trusts you and I believe everything works out the way it should Flowers

iolaus · 08/04/2019 21:34

A colleagues daughter recently called off her wedding a few months before - apparently a lot of her friends were surprised and said they'd have gone through with the wedding and then got divorced in a few months as 'it looks better'

It does sound like she really had cold feet before the wedding and is only now admitting it

Don't encourage her to stay or divorce - it's her relationship and her choice - but I would encourage her to talk to him, he deserves to know (unless it's abusive in which case she needs an escape route first - I know you said thats not the case for your daughter)

Klopptimist · 08/04/2019 21:38

They have a lovely home together, are very comfortable financially.... I feel she could be making a huge mistake which she’ll later regret.

These are not good reasons to stay in a marriage which makes you unhappy.

Kathygnome · 09/04/2019 17:54

The marriage was over before the wedding. The only thing now is how much time is going to be wasted on pretending otherwise.

EllenMP · 09/04/2019 17:56

I think the most you can do is suggest she talk to her husband about a trial separation before making a final decision. but if she had doubts even before the wedding it doesn't sound like she wants to be in this marriage and it's not going to work, no matter how lovely her husband is.

Plus, you may think the husband is more lovely than he is. That happened with my sister, who was married to a hyper-controlling sociopath whom we all thought was just the nicest, most loving husband in the world. We thought she was a bit of a spoiled princess until we found out about everything he had done. She, too, had doubts before the wedding and we all wish desperately that we had listened more closely to them.

Bluntness100 · 09/04/2019 17:59

I'm genuinely quite appalled by this. Why would you ever try to convince your daughter to settle for an unhappy marriage, particularly if she is young enough to start again, and can go it alone.

Reallywho guves a shit if you think he's wonderful or you like their home. What she thinks matters, not you. And if she is unhappy and wishes to leave you should listen to her.

I really hope this isn't real.because if it is, then it's appalling.

katseyes7 · 09/04/2019 18:00

They have a lovely home together, are very comfortable financially.... I feel she could be making a huge mistake which she’ll later regret.

We had a lovely home. A detached new build. And a new car each. No small thanks to me working shifts, and earning more than he did. lt didn't stop me being abused.

Waveysnail · 09/04/2019 18:04

I would suggest couples counselling even with the intent to divorce. Through experience this happen in my family. Husband didn't have a clue she was unhappy, begged her to stay etc but she was dead set on divorce with no discussion. It led to very acrimonious divorce. If the wife had given him a chance to get used to the idea, went through motions of counselling that would have helped them divorce at the end I think lots of animosity would have been avoided

Suebreo · 09/04/2019 18:13

Unfortunately I also think she has already met some one else. I would ask her to be honest with you. As far as children go you have to support them whatever they decide to do in their personal lives, like everyone else they will make their own mistakes.

NoSquirrels · 09/04/2019 18:23

I think the absolute most you can do, to be a supportive mother, is to offer to pay for counselling for her, in the first instance, to see if she can identify why she feels this way.

Once she has identified what the real issue is - why she feels the spark has gone - then she can decide whether or not it is worth doing counselling with her husband.

Your twenties is an odd time. Support but do not judge.

ittakes2 · 09/04/2019 18:27

In the kindest way - it’s interesting she did not feel she could not speak up and end the relationship before the wedding and she did not talk to you about it. I am wondering if she was afraid you would disapprove...and the fact you are thinking of trying to persuade her otherwise suggests she would have been right. It is clear you live her - she feels she made a mistake - please support her now - she is talking to you - please listen.

ChampagneCharley · 09/04/2019 18:28

This is similar to what happened to me. I met my ex at 21, married and 24 and had divorced by 26. My family and his were upset that we hadn’t given it decent chance. I have never been lonelier than I was in that marriage, we were living together like friends for most of the 2 years we were together. There was no emotional connection between us.
I could’ve stuck it out as he was nice enough really, but I was brave a chose to end it whilst I was young enough to get my life back together and there were no children involved and the divorce was as simple as we didn’t have a lot of joint assets.
15 years on, I’ve got a wonderful husband and two lovely children plus acquired two step children and am a million times happier than I was in my first marriage. Ex is also married with 2 children to someone who probably gets him a lot more than I did.
It’s great that your DD feels she can trust and talk to you. Nowhere is lonelier than an unhappy marriage.

TheFormidableMrsC · 09/04/2019 18:28

OP, 25 years ago I was your daughter. Pressured into getting married because of religious parents, I married a lovely, kind, sweet man that I had fallen out of love with. A relationship that had run its course and that we both should have walked away from. My mother particularly pressured us to go to counselling, it was "embarrassing", the wedding had "cost a fortune", "what was she going to tell people" etc etc. I am afraid that I did end the marriage and I don't regret it. It is safe to say that I have never found happiness since, not in the way that I'd hoped, but what would have been worse was staying with somebody because they're safe and dependable and there's a "lovely home" at stake. If she had doubts before and has fallen out of love after only 6 months, then the best thing she can do is end it IMO. There is nothing worse than being stuck in a relationship with somebody you don't love. No, she probably shouldn't have got married, but she did and now she has a right to end it if she so wishes. It will be much easier than with children involved. I realise and don't minimise the pain it will cause her husband, however. Please be supportive of her and allow her to make her own decisions. They are both young enough to pick up and start again.

Bugbabe1970 · 09/04/2019 18:33

Has she met another man?

Hearhere · 09/04/2019 18:35

A messy divorce just wasn’t what I saw for DD, especially not at her age
I dont doubt that OP is well meaning but this phrase jumps out at me, it suggests that the underlying problem is that her life isnt panning out as you envisioned it, I feel that you dont want the 'stain' of a messy divorce, that you have a certain idea of how her life should be and your instinct is to corral her into this

AtrociousCircumstance · 09/04/2019 18:38

Why don’t you care about your DD’s happiness? Confused

It must have taken a lot to open up to you like this. Don’t let her down.

Support her choice.

Kaddm · 09/04/2019 18:54

They are both young, no kids so a divorce would be more straightforward than if they were further down the line.

Aside from that, I would say ok you support her in her decision but would she please confide whether there is someone else or whether he is hitting her (or similar) behind the idyllic facade. Or whether there is any more to it. If there is no more to it at all, she could be taking a good relationship for granted and throwing a good marriage away for some random pie in the sky.